Saddam is dead

Do not click this link if you don't want to see a dead body

I just watched Saddam die.

Prior to clicking the link I didn't think it would affect me as much as it did. I mean, I've seen dead bodies before. Hell I've practically skinned them and played with their insides - all in the quest of becoming a doctor. I've looked into lifeless eyes and dissected the nerves that use to make them work.

I thought I wouldn't care. Here was a man who killed his own people. A man who was not a good man, someone who I believed deserved to die. I believe in the death sentence. If you can kill, you should be aware that you can be killed.

So I clicked the link.

I watched him muttering prayers to himself.

I saw them slip the noose around his neck.

And then he dropped.

He dropped and I saw him hanging there lifeless, with his eyes staring at the ceiling, and I got the worst feeling in my stomach. Not much can be said about witnessing a death. Something going from alive and thinking to dead and... hanging

I didn't like it.

Happy Holidays!

I PASSED ALL MY CLASSES!!!

of course it seems that many of you knew I would do that... thank you for the vote of confidence.

31 people failed micro, 29 immuno - I haven't heard the numbers for path yet but i'm sure it'll be much less.

One of the unfortunate failures was my roommate. She failed micro. I have absolutely no idea how - but she did. She's now in the process of freaking out/trying to figure out what to do. There's another school she can transfer to that is not accredited, but will get her into clinicals at the same time she was supposed to. I don't know what she's going to do... I feel horribly for her. She has a banshee of a mother that nags her to death - and comes from a very strict indian family.

It makes me get butterflies just thinking about the hell she's currently going through.

***

In other news home is going well - if you call having less sleep than I had during finals well. My parents surprised me when I came home by building up their 2 level basement into a little mini apartment for me. They wake me up at the crack of dawn - I am dragged out by friends by midday, and usually do not get to bed until 2. I've had dinners I've HAD to attend, family to see, and presents to buy all within the 2 days everyone wants to see me the most and people seem to be shopping the most. I stayed at home for the first time today since I've been in town, but had 2 friends sleep over, half the extended family come to see me and enough chores to send me into a tailspin.

CPE has realized I am using the same number, and as always has started calling/texting. I have been hit on by your typical DC types - they don't seem to like it when I laugh in their faces when the flashing of money or mention of military experience comes into play, and thankfully the mother hasn't shoved any marriage prospects at me. I think she realizes that I'm too cranky to deal with that stuff due to lack of sleep.

Needless to say life is hectic...

I will also be turning 24 in 10 short minutes... oooooooooh boy.

Anyway - happy holidays to all I should be playing in the blog world a lot more (we'll see)

:)

MIA

Things are really hectic at home. My flights went well, and my friend got me shitty on the flight during a layover on caramel bailey's and some passion fruit liquer I bought in Puerto Rico. I slept for much less than I thought I would before being picked up by my friend this morning and driven around being showed off like a cute little puppy.

Anyway - I might not be in the blogosphere for awhile. :) YAY HOME!

it is 5 am...

I take my exam in 4 hours

I haven't slept

and I still haven't reviewed HALF of the shit needed for my pathology exam.

shoot me.

now.

You are so beautiful

Tonight I said goodbye to my fourth semesters. They've been here for what seems like eternity, and tonight... was their last night. I straightened my hair (unheard of in this humidity) and dressed up - yes I know, very unlike me. Back home no one knows my hair is curly. I maintained. Here it's a big deal, I apparently look very different.

One person who always mentioned this was TB. In the old house, the power was 220V. European standard I guess. Here in the new house, we're at a good ol' american 110V. This means I can use a blow dryer. Needless to say TB has only seen me in curly. He's always wanted to see straight. He loved my hair - always played with it when he wasn't supposed to.

*General rule* Curly hair does not = running fingers through hair. Then you end up with a troll.

I come back home and he's on skype. It's 4:30 his time - mr. TB is up late studying. We get to talking, and I tell him I went out. He calls and I have the video set up.

Now during this whole ordeal my roomie and pseudo are running around trying to pack up pseudo's stuff. She's a fourth semester... she's leaving me too :(.

The second the video kicks in and there's a silence of about a minute. The internet on the island isn't always very reliable so I keep saying hello - to make sure he's there. The roomie is running around trying to figure out where pseudo's stuff is, and they're arguing about what she's going to leave here and take with here. She's seriously leaving us about 300 dollars worth of stuff. Then I hear a: "You look really nice."

Damn him, he saw me blush.

Since the break up we havn't really discussed... us. I havn't told him how much I miss him - wait no, I did - kinda. I've been thinking "dammit, why the hell am I attached to someone when he and I are both too busy?" I've been repressing...

So I laughed his comment off, and asked him if he's going to get the highest grade on his exams again (he's so freakin smart, a scholarship to one of the most competitive top ranked universities in EUROPE, AND he's getting the highest marks - god that's so hot). Again another silence:

"Sometimes I really miss you -- but only a little bit"

*insert scrambling roomie and pseudo in the background*
At this very moment roomie pops up behind me: "HI TB!"

DOH!

There went my moment. I take out my headphones and he talks to her a second - at which time I tell him I need to get back to studying.

I copped out, I KNOW... I can't seem to deal with this nonesense! UGH!

So I'm waiting for him to close his video tab - and... nothing. He just leaves it on... I decide to go on my merry little way studying -- knowing he's watching me.

about 20 minutes later he tells me he's going to bed. I say goodnight - and again there's silence.

he types to me "You are so beautiful" via skype vs. saying it and signs off before I can reply.

For some freakin reason - that really hit me.

It hit me because he acknowledged how I wanted him to feel, and for some reason convinced myself he wasn't feeling it. It hit me because he DOESN'T express himself like that, or put himself in a situation where he can be burned... EVER. It hit me because I couldn't respond. It hit me because I had my chance to spill my guts and missed it. AND DAMMIT IT HIT ME BECAUSE I MISS HIM AND I CAN'T EVER HAVE HIM!

Damn him! :( Germany is still too far away...

I need to be over this

The ABC's of Khoshkell

Lets see... it would be nice if I put these in alphabetical order, but that would be annoying. Lets try chronologically placed men that keep coming up in my life.


Navy: I met him New Years night 2007, he was my kiss. We both didn't think we'd ever see each other again, but in the small world online we somehow found one another. We started e mailing back and forth my last semester in antigua.
CPE: My first boyfriend after my high school sweetheart - about 2 years later. He's a little kooky. Ok really kookie. Psychotic is more like it, and I usually deal with him out of pity.
The high school sweetheart. I don't think I've given him initials yet, AG
KFP: The guy I dated about 2 weeks after the "final" break up" with CPE. He burned me. Bad. Left me for some 19 year old blonde floozy in Cali. Still hurts thinking about it.
TB: A guy I dated my 2nd semester here. I thought I really cared about him. He's the one guy I'd thought of before myself (recently) so I ended the relationship. I might have had something to do with the fact that he lives in Germany, but I'm over it.

*insert random initials here*
R = some guy I was kinda dating before leaving the country
J = my new years kiss 2006
AGL = a guy I went on one date with that bought me an IPOD, refused to take it back which was eventually stolen by "the bitch that stole my ipod"
SP = small penis. A guy in my classes, he has horrible teeth but a nice body. Meh
*end of random initials*

I will update as I think of more. :)

Don't use the mouth

I found this through browsing. A radio station has some kind of call in where people call in and try to figure out if their boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife is cheating on them.

Lol, listen to this indian couple:

Thank god.

I just took my micro shelf, and that mother effer was HARD...

let's just hope everyone else fucks up as much as i think I did.

I was top 15 going in... :( we'll see

A moment of silence...

China's white dolphin called extinct after 20 million years

BEIJING, China (AP) -- An expedition searching for a rare Yangtze River dolphin ended Wednesday without a single sighting and with the team's leader saying one of the world's oldest species was effectively extinct.

The white dolphin known as baiji, shy and nearly blind, dates back some 20 million years. Its disappearance is believed to be the first time in a half-century, since hunting killed off the Caribbean monk seal, that a large aquatic mammal has been driven to extinction.

A few baiji may still exist in their native Yangtze habitat in eastern China but not in sufficient numbers to breed and ward off extinction, said August Pfluger, the Swiss co-leader of the joint Chinese-foreign expedition.

"We have to accept the fact, that the Baiji is functionally extinct. We lost the race," Pfluger said in a statement released by the expedition. "It is a tragedy, a loss not only for China, but for the entire world. We are all incredibly sad."

Overfishing and shipping traffic, whose engines interfere with the sonar the baiji uses to navigate and feed, are likely the main reasons for the mammal's decline, Pfluger said. Though the Yangtze is polluted, water samples taken by the expedition every 30 miles did not show high concentrations of toxic substances, the statement said.

For nearly six weeks, Pfluger's team of 30 scientists scoured a 1,000-mile heavily trafficked stretch of the Yangtze, where the baiji once thrived. The expedition's two boats, equipped with high-tech binoculars and underwater microphones, trailed each other an hour apart without radio contact so that a sighting by one vessel would not prejudice the other.

Around 400 baiji were believed to be living in the Yangtze in the 1980s. The last full-fledged search, in 1997, yielded 13 confirmed sightings, and a fisherman claimed to have seen a baiji in 2004, Pfluger said in an earlier interview.

At least 20 to 25 baiji would now be needed to give the species a chance to survive, the group's statement said, citing Wang Ding, a hydrobiologist and China's foremost campaigner for the baiji.

Pfluger, an economist by training who later went to work for an environmental group, was a member of the 1997 expedition and recalls the excitement of seeing a baiji cavorting in the waters near Dongting Lake.

"It marked me," he said in an interview Monday. He went on to set up the baiji.org Foundation to save the dolphin.

That goal having evaporated, Pfluger said his foundation would turn to teaching sustainable fishing practices and trying to save other freshwater dolphins. The expedition also surveyed one of those dwindling species, the Yangtze finless porpoise, finding less than 400 of them.

"The situation of the finless porpoise is just like that of the baiji 20 years ago," Wang, the Chinese scientist, said in the statement. "Their numbers are declining at an alarming rate. If we do not act soon they will become a second baiji."

Pfluger and an occasional online diary kept by expedition members traced a dispiriting situation, as day after day team members engaged in a fruitless search for the baiji.

"At first the atmosphere was 'Let's go. Let's go save this damn species,"' Pfluger said. "As the weeks went on we got more desperate and had to motivate each other."

[Source]

This makes me sad...

Stop killing whales motherfuckers - they're going to be gone soon too. Hear about the asian market on caribbean waters?

...yeah, pieces of shit.

Mentally available.

Inspired by Light Strikes a Deal I started thinking about image...

I test men.

Though I like the attention when I dress up for a man, say a first date, or a night out with the girls -- I don't want the main driving force of the relationship to revolve around my looks.

I dated a guy after my high school sweetheart that wanted a trophy. He didn't like me talking to other men, and I wasn't supposed to speak much when going out. I was 20 pounds lighter than I am now, 3 dress sizes smaller, and he would poke my belly and tell me I needed to work on it. I would like to make it clear that people currently tell me I need to gain weight. I was TINY.

As with all high school relationships I "broke up" with him a month later. Yes, this all occurred in a month. Shocking, I know.

I am way too dominating to be in a relationship like that. I guess I'm the only girl that has ever broken up with him. That might be why whenever I run into this guy in the clubs he still tells me I'm the perfect girl, and that we should get married. Thrill of the chase? I think so.

So I started doing things to test men. The guy above knew nothing about me - actually I thought he knew nothing, but he recently filled out a "myspace survey" about me that was pretty damn accurate. Shocker. - so I wanted to make sure future men KNEW me before I'd commit.

The Looks:
I was single for about 2 years before I met CPE. The first night he came over I was packing for beach week at the end of my junior year of college. I was in sweats and a t shirt. I never wear makeup, but the hair was pretty ratty too. He helped me pack, loaded my bags, and called me to make sure I got there ok. How's that for a first date?

After our first date, I asked KFP if he would model in my photography portfolio due at the end of the year. Mind you, this is the first week I knew the kid. I showed up in jeans, a ratty t shirt, and my camera back. He had only seen me the night he picked me up, and our first date. Make up, heels and etc.

I hate make up - scratch that, I do love mascara - and I rarely make an effort to dress up.

The mind:
Apparently people with good personalities aren't meant to be smart. One of my best friend's in high school a lower grade than me once told me after I'd helped her with her homework "no offense nic, but I didn't think you were one of those smart people."

I have two types of friends. My school/intellectual friends, and my go out all the time and party friends. It's like that episode of seinfeld when George's two worlds were going to collide if Elaine hung out with his soon to be wife. The only people who knew I was SMART and liked to PARTY were my sorority sisters - and I still wasn't too crazy around them. My party friends are crazy, and I had your typical nerdy chemistry friends at school. My worlds would collide in the school cafeteria where the Greek life had their little section to eat - and my lab buddies would ask if it was ok to sit there. (How very high school of us)

So within the first week I bring up random topics. I mention I read a lot of books when I was younger. See if they read. What kind of books they read. Are they into nature... your basic banter. I mention I like math, in fact LOVE math. I loved DiffEQ... loved loved loved. Calculus and I are buddies. Both CPE and KFP stopped at the book talk... no wonder they didn't work.

TB and I have the same history. Both book worms, and where I veered towards math, he went towards history and philosophy. He always told me some cool geeky fact every day - and I him. He became facinated with medicine and would browse through my books when I was studying. I liked that about him.

Regardless - I forgot where this blog was going, but once again I'm headed down the I miss TB path and I'm going to stop.

Relationships are about the mental and the physical. I wish I were only loved for my mental. I have so much to offer - but it seems that in this day and age, how cool I am takes a back seat to how cute I am - and that seems to only attract mindless assholes.

"Indian men are too small to fit condoms made by international standards"

A weird but useful exam tool is skype. My parents call, I turn it on, and then go about my daily routine of sitting in front of the computer cramming information into my head.

Upside: I know they're watching so I study more.
Downfall: I forget they're watching and... ok here's the story

Someone sent out an e mail by BBC.com in fact, it was this in all entirety:

A survey of more than 1,000 men in India has concluded that condoms made according to international sizes are too large for a majority of Indian men.

The study found that more than half of the men measured had penises that were shorter than international standards for condoms.

It has led to a call for condoms of mixed sizes to be made more widely available in India.

The two-year study was carried out by the Indian Council of Medical Research.

Over 1,200 volunteers from the length and breadth of the country had their penises measured precisely, down to the last millimetre.

The scientists even checked their sample was representative of India as a whole in terms of class, religion and urban and rural dwellers.

It's not size, it's what you do with it that matters


The conclusion of all this scientific endeavour is that about 60% of Indian men have penises which are between three and five centimetres shorter than international standards used in condom manufacture.

Doctor Chander Puri, a specialist in reproductive health at the Indian Council of Medical Research, told the BBC there was an obvious need in India for custom-made condoms, as most of those currently on sale are too large.

The issue is serious because about one in every five times a condom is used in India it either falls off or tears, an extremely high failure rate.

And the country already has the highest number of HIV infections of any nation.

'Not a problem'

Mr Puri said that since Indians would be embarrassed about going to a chemist to ask for smaller condoms there should be vending machines dispensing different sizes all around the country.

"Smaller condoms are on sale in India. But there is a lack of awareness that different sizes are available. There is anxiety talking about the issue. And normally one feels shy to go to a chemist's shop and ask for a smaller size condom."

But Indian men need not be concerned about measuring up internationally according to Sunil Mehra, the former editor of the Indian version of the men's magazine Maxim.

"It's not size, it's what you do with it that matters," he said.

"From our population, the evidence is Indians are doing pretty well.

"With apologies to the poet Alexander Pope, you could say, for inches and centimetres, let fools contend."

HAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Anyway, I found it so humorous that I read it aloud to my roommate and our other psuedo-roomie (finals = massive sleepovers). We all had a little laugh, and somehow the topic came up about whether a man with a big penis brags or not.

My cute little roommate is a virgin. Pseudo and I on the other hand... are NOT. Roomie tells us about how a certain annoying cocky guy in our class brags about how arabs have the largest penii (pleural for penis?) - at which psuedo and I had another nice laugh.

We explained to her that men with large penii do not brag, they know. They know they've got a massive penis. They know and don't need to compensate with words. Pseudo and I both described to her the all knowing "look" these men give people when it's brought up. One of those "shut up before I take you out and club you in the head with it" looks. Or one of those "just wait until later" looks -- oooo those are the hottest ones... :)

SORRY! - island fever is hitting me

Anyway, we start talking about exes - and in my situation I have luckily had very well endowed boyfriends. The only person that bragged was CPE, and he was the smallest of the bunch... though he was a large "average".

I am talking about this when I suddenly remember --

SHIT!!! MY FATHER WAS JUST SITTING BEHIND THE COMPUTER 20 MINUTES AGO!!!


SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT

Mid conversation I suddenly go silent with this horrified expression on my face.

Shit.

I get the roomie's attention and point to the camera, her and psuedo get these HORRIFIED expression on their faces.

Shit.

So I quietly click on the minimized skype button expecting to see my father having a heart attack.

...

Thankfully he wasn't there.

THANK GOD THANK GOD THANK GOD!!!

I was also happy to report that his skype was on idle, which meant he hadn't been around since the last time he checked on me.

...

anyway, there's the downside - and my exciting story of the day.

(thank god)

back to studying - daddy's watching.

p.s. I got the 9th highest grade on my path lab final.

5 more exams until home.

Fakers

So with my new anonymous myspace account, comes new stalking . I don't just go to my friend's pages but reader's pages - and their friends - and their friends... and etc.

Until today I go to (5th degree removed person) and see a really good friend's of mine's picture... on someone else's myspace - claiming to be a 16 year old girl from virginia.

The profile is set to private, but it is QUITE OBVIOUSLY not my sorority sister JK, but some weirdo using her pictures for some unknown reason:

Click here to see the link... "Sarah"

Now I e mailed JK and told her "either you have a twin, or a stalker" and then proceeded to try to figure out why said girl is using her picture... but here's another thing, the girl's page I used to get to her is apparently her "best friend" and they "hang out all the time".

Click here to see said "best friend": Talia

It's like they're one big old FAKE family!!!

So I'm not sure if "Talia" is fake or not, or if she made up "Sarah" so that she had a cute online best friend - but I am interested in figuring out what's going on. So I'm going to be adding --- shit nevermind, by blogging this I just blackballed myself. Dammit.

damn damn damn.

ok plan b - i just stalk them every day and if JK doesn't get her account deleted, send some nasty messages telling her to grow up. yes?

I mean really... it COULD be some 60 year old balding man trying to have cyber sex with little boys (or girls - you never know these days).

Regardless I find behavior like this really annoying. I've already called out 3 people who have stolen my pictures on myspace. One from some hillybilly state like Arkansas, one in europe somewhere, and another one from Cali. It's annoying, because in order to get their profile's deleted, I have to take a picture of myself with my URL and etc to prove I'm ME.

In other news, I took my pathology lab final today - and I wish I'd brought lube.
6 more exams in 11 days - accounting for about 70% of my remaining grade in each class (except behavioral, I've already passed that one). Microbiology, pathology, and immuno to go.

Round 302.984,023,984.5 - ding ding - GO!

CPE is at it again... why I put up with it, I don't know.

I am sitting there, in the "zone", cramming all there is to know about microbiology into the exhausted head of mine when I get an AIM.

DOH - I hate when that thing signs me in without my knowing.

CPE: "I need your advice"
*insert annoyed speechless look here*
Me: "You have got to be kidding me"
CPE: "Hear me out"
Me: "You have GOT to be kidding me"
CPE: "How are you"
Me: "oh god..."
CPE: "How's school?"
Me: "Alright what is it"
CPE: *long definition I don't want to type out but basically: "My girlfriend's father hates me because I'm not korean"*
Me: "Why do you think it's because you're not korean"
CPE: "Because I'm CPE, everyone loves me"
*groan*
Me: "you are a moron"

Anyway - apparently daddy korea doesn't like that hello kitty is dating CPE. He thinks it's because of his race because now he's "going somewhere with [his] life, [he's] on the news every other night."

... god he was so freakin vain - i wanted to shoot myself for talking to him.

So the conversation goes somewhere along the lines of me telling him to do something productive with his life and to stop comparing their relationship with ours. He kept projecting thinking I was going to fight with him and tell him not to be an asshole - and I kept telling him to stop bringing us into the discussion.

My advice:
Get your college degree, stop trying to get famous, if you love her change for her family and let them see you're worth something - and for god sakes stop being so cocky.

His interpretation:
You broke up with me because I'm a loser. Is that why we didn't work out. I'm not an asshole anymore. I really do love you. I really do love her. I am on TV - this means I'm going somewhere with my life. You hate me.

GAH! SHOOT ME!

anyway... I thought this blog was going somewhere but I just realized I've spent about 20 minutes typing it out and I'm starting to freak about my test - abrupt ending, I know.

yeeeeeeep.

You know it's bad...

...when you can't even procrastinate by reading cosmo.

A classmate's girlfriend came to visit from the states and brought magazines. This is very exciting, because on the island it costs around 45EC for a magazine. That's about 20 US.

I slip away and try to read some of the articles... and I am SO FREAKING TIRED of reading, that I couldn't even focus on THAT.

I am brain dead. shoot me.

Honey

Every time TB calls me "honey" in his cute German accent... my tummy flip flops...

*sigh*

My mother told me she ran into an "old friend" of mine from back in the day who "grew up to be a good looking guy" and said that his family wanted us to "catch up" while he was home from law school when I get back in town.

Smells like a set up to me.
*vomit*

Myspace

So I've found another form of procrastination... I've made my blog a myspace page.

ha

yes, you heard me correctly.

you should make your blog one too

:)

The zone

Finals are upon me, and I am starting to realize I do very well under stress. Compared to last semester, this semester has been pretty laid back. I think that's why I've been doing so poorly in my classes.

That or I've just accepted my fate that I'm going to fail.

Ok, backing up. I've always been use to being top 5 in class. Everyone always does bad in these classes, it's all high yeild. Last semester I was stressing, hard core, and somehow I did really well on my shelf compared to the national average. (HOLLER!)

This semester I've been average. Not top 5, not top 10, average. Average SUCKS, I am way to competitive to be average. Somehow that bothered me enough to give me a complex, so much to where I overstudied for my tests. Other bullshitters would somehow not read half the book and only look at the sections we were tested on and get crazy averages, where I (who know how to apply all the clinical shit) am left behind in the dust crying because some ditzy pothead got almost the same average as me and SHE was hung over... ugh.

*Also... my roomie always struggled in all the classes, but this semester she's been doing much better than me. That annoys me because half the time she's not studying, or I'm teaching her shit. I've kicked her ass on the past two tests, and although it shouldn't... it's made me happy :).*

So starting last week, my month of hell began. My first exam did NOT go well. I hate my pathology class - my teacher doesn't teach, he just tells us to read Robbins. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! TEACH ME DAGNAMMIT!

But things brightened up with my second exam. I got the second highest grade in the class. Thank god.

I had my micro lab final these past two days (yes I know it's a weekend) and though I thought i did horribly yesterday, all my results came out AMAZING, and I thankfully used the right agars to figure out my bacteria.

:)

So my self esteem is back, and I've been sitting here for the past 9 hours studying... and I haven't even realized it.

I'm telling myself I'm going to pass - I've made a schedule - I don't want to be stuck on this island any longer than I have to...

I WANT TO BE BACK HOME!!! - that's my only driving force...

home.

I want home.

Minnie and her kids :(

If you keep up with the little chat thingie I recently put up (thanks PB :) ), you'll have noticed that after my great accomplishment (YAY RECENT COMMENTS!!! - thanks G) I saw a mouse. It looked a little like this:



Yes I freaked out - only a little... and then I laughed at myself for it.

Well I called my landlord and I guess while I was at school she came by and set up a sticky trap. If you've ever thought of buying one of these horrible traps - DON'T.

I come home with my roomie unaware with a fellow classmate. We're studying for our final tomorrow when we hear "SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK" coming from one of our cabinets.

My roomate starts screaming and jumps on the couch, my classmate (JO) jumps on a chair freaking out, and after my initial scream I just sit there and laugh at them. I also went ahead and got my camera to video tape their hysteria.

So I (i guess because I laughed at them) was told to go figure out where mousy was. I open the cabinet and see this little mouse (ok i screamed a little again when i actually saw it) STUCK to some kinda glue thing with food in the middle. The poor little thing was struggling to get out. Now I don't want mrs. mouse in my house... but I also don't want to kill her.

mrs mouse:



The last thing she'll remember:



So I slam the cabinet doors shut and make my roomie and JO look at the mouse. The screamed a lot more and then also set into a mild depression thinking of mrs. mouse's fate.

20 minutes later I went to go check on mrs. mouse (i was scared she got away and was running around the house) and to my amazement - there were 2 new additions to the death trap... *cue sad music* her babies.



Now if the mild squeaking was distracting before - the little ones were squeaking more and I was completely heartbroken. We try to think of ways to kill the mouse family so they didn't have to starve to death because:

a. we're all in micro and know mice are HUGE vectors for all kinds of diseases and none of us wanted to touch them to let them loose (which we tried to do later and it didn't work)

b. slowly dying of starvation while stuck in some kind of glue is NOT the way to go.

We thought of drowning them, but there's no bucket... running them over, bashing them with something hard, leaving them outside so something would eat them -- but none of us wanted to be responsible for their death. So we did what any other woman would do in this situation, we called a man.

I don't know what happened to the mouse family. I don't want to know. I'm still a little upset over it...

poor mousy

Free Hugs

I miss home...

I will pummel you

There is a lesbian at my school. Your standard man-like female that tries to lift heavy weights and therefore has massive arms, yet wants to be feminine and wears sun dresses (it doesn't work I know). She has a massive tattoo of a piece of work by davinci... and it extends from her deltoid to her elbow. It doesn't really match her sundresses at all...

Anyway - I am a nice person. I swear I am. Though I blog about the nasty shit I think, I do not try to judge people. A lot of people didn't associate with said lesbian - i thought it was because they were homophobic.

I was wrong.

She's as mental as they come - and as much as I tried to stick up for her, it wasn't until she had one of her common aggressive outbursts directed towards me when I backed off.

There's a long story behind this. I'm not sure how much I can go into it - but lets just say many believed she was in love with me. I will not make that claim however, because when girls get close they tend to hang out with each other a lot.

I was pretty close to her for about 2 months - we drove to school together and hit the gym together. But when she realized things between me and TB were heating up, she acted as if I had broken up with her. She even went so far as to make up some retarded story about TB going to a strip club on the island (disgusting - not because it's a strip club, those can be fun, but because there are some NASTY strippers on this island) a night he made me dinner and spent the night at my house. She of course didn't know this - and I told her she needed to get her facts straight.

I also began studying with another girl in our class because I like discussing the things I'm studying, whereas she kept to herself and didn't ask questions. She then again acted like I had broken up with her - or something of the sort. She made up lies about her life, and without going into the details... things just didn't add up.

The main reason I stopped talking to her was because of her anger. She pulled a postal worker over the counter at the post office because of a misunderstanding. She constantly went off at people, punching walls, getting in faces - and I had to babysit. I didn't like being associated with it. It didn't hit home until one night I gave her some typed up notes for our upcoming genetics exam and she called me bitching me out about how worthless they were and why i would even give them to her to begin with... then came to my house, pounding on the door in a weird and unforgetful night.

TB told me she was in love with me, my roomate told me, our mutual friends told me - i however just thought it was girl bonding. I'm guessing I was wrong.

REGARDLESS

Yesterday she threatened to pummel me after I called her out on one of her lies on an online posting site. Then after a friend tried to get me away from her (she was in my face and yelling) she grabbed my arm. Up until this point I was very calm - in fact I was laughing at her while she was going off. I informed her she didn't scare me - knowing she was bitter i didn't speak to her. I asked her what the point of her talking to me was, and told her I didn't really care what she was saying. But the second she touched me I freaked out and almost got in her face yelling at her not to ever touch me - but like in the movies my guy friend had my arm and I couldn't quite make it to her face. Other students took it to a dean, and she was forced to apologize... but I still think it's amusing.

Thought I would share - my first almost girl fight with the lesbian king.

Clarification...

That little note on TB's skype was meant for me...

On a trip to the other side of the island (half moon bay) some woman asked us if we were italian and then tried to weasle money out of us... it was supposed to be some reference to a private beach we found...

ha

... embarrassed

moving on

so we ended up talking for awhile and though I didn't bring up any valid points like "i miss you" or "i'm miserable without you," I bought some time, caught up on his life, he caught up on mine, and I'm a much happier camper.

:)

... and what is this supposed to mean?

I have 10 exams in the next three weeks... one about every other day. It includes finals and shelf exams. I am not a happy camper.

On top of it all, TB decides to send me a little e mail that made my stomach drop, butterflies, draining of blood from extremities... etc. It started out innocently, he skyped me, I told him I had a study buddy over and couldn't talk - he said we needed to. Something along the lines of: I will never forget you but you think I have. Granted I have been avoiding talking to him - but my recent lack of computer (it's back by the way, wooo!!!) had been helping me in my quest to get over him. Anyhoo... I said goodbye politely after informing him I couldn't talk now and that we could have this conversation later... and walked away. I came back to multiple messages but the one that struck a cord was his away message "and my italian girlfriend... ;)" Written in english... to SOMEONE WHO WAS NOT ME - and that definitly didn't feel too good. Anyway, the e mail I recieved right after left me much more confused:

Subject: :(
Body:

Hi Miezie,

I can’t sleep so I decided to write you. All I wanted to say is that I think that you opened my eyes today. I hope you haven’t buried the TB you got to know in Antigua yet.

All I can say is that I hope that this was the real TB, not the guy who must have acted like a stranger for you. You are still one of the most important people in my life and I am afraid of losing you, honey.

Your TB


(isn't his broken english cute?) - ok ok sorry

- what is that e mail supposed to mean. I barely said 2 words to him on skype, how the hell did I open his eyes?

*grumble*

I still don't like this butterfly in tummy, i'm going to be sick feeling... I need to get off this damn island!!!

Please stay to the outside of the parked cars, or I WILL hit you

The streets of St. John's Antigua are tiny. They're tiny AND people park on them which makes them even MORE tiny. They're tiny, people park on them, AND there are no sidewalks - which means that an already small shitty road is used as a parking lot, sidewalk and a main road.

With that in mind:

The other day while driving from Jolly Harbour to the north of the island... I tapped a girl with my sideview mirror during traffic. She squealed quite audibly and I kept going forward.

30 seconds later after my roomate and I had exchanged the "oh my god what happened" looks, we both had a fit of uncontrollable laughter that lasted for about 5 minutes.

So hear me out:
The girl knew there was traffic, and instead of walking on the outside of the parked cars was walking along the inside so cars would have to avoid HER in a defiant typical Antiguan "I am better than you" fashion. I feel she deserved the tap with the sideview mirror... and every time I think about it I still laugh.

I am a horrible person

Your typical girly bitch and moan

So I haven't had a computer in a long ass time - therefore contact with TB has been scarce. I also havn't had ready access to the internet, therefore even if I DID want to converse with him, I wouldn't be able to... but things are changing. I moved to a new house about a week ago closer to campus, and low and behold it comes with internet. So my internet addiction has been coming back to life through my roommate's computer. My computer is also coming in from the states on wednesday. I am dreading this - I'll tell you why:

Though my contact with TB has been limited, I still miss him. But that's ok because I havn't been able to tell him this whole missing nonesense, and made me very unavailable. This should have helped me miss him less and move on with the break up - realizing the things used to talk myself into the break up in the first place.

WRONG

It's called displacement, or something like that. I put aside everything I was feeling and now that I can go online, and I see him, I miss him even more!!! I am actually starting to think I'm getting a little depressed, but I know I'm not that stupid. I just get sad.

So here's the stupid girly whine:
I liked him a lot, why did I break up with him. I liked him a lot but I know nothing would happen. If I knew nothing would happen why did I commit to him. Now that I'm sure nothing could happen why do I miss him. WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING OF HIM WHEN I CAN BE SUCH A BITCH TO OTHER PEOPLE... and last but not least... :( why couldn't he just be from somewhere back home where it could have lead to an actual relationship.

It doesn't help that he tries to contact me at random times... ugh - whining over.

I wish there was someone on this damn island I could recycle

"Here's your fucking patriot act"

This has got to be one of the most disgusting displays of COWARDICE I have ever seen. How could people just stand around while this shit was going on? You can't just hurt someone cause they're not listening to you, that's torture.

It's Kitty Genovese all over again. Disgusting.

Article from: The Daily Bruin

"An incident late Tuesday night in which a UCLA student was stunned at least four times with a Taser has left the UCLA community questioning whether the university police officers' use of force was an appropriate response to the situation.

Mostafa Tabatabainejad, a UCLA student, was repeatedly stunned with a Taser and then taken into custody when he did not exit the CLICC Lab in Powell Library in a timely manner. Community Service Officers had asked Tabatabainejad to leave after he failed to produce his BruinCard during a random check at around 11:30 p.m. Tuesday.

UCPD Assistant Chief of Police Jeff Young said the checks are a standard procedure in the library after 11 p.m.

"Because of the safety of the students we limit the use after 11 to just students, staff and faculty," Young said.

Young said the CSOs on duty in the library at the time went to get UCPD officers when Tabatabainejad did not immediately leave, and UCPD officers resorted to use of the Taser when Tabatabainejad did not do as he was told.

A six-minute video showed Tabatabainejad audibly screaming in pain as he was stunned several times with a Taser, each time for three to five seconds. He was told repeatedly to stand up and stop fighting, and was told that if he did not do so he would "get Tased again."

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Tabatabainejad was also stunned with the Taser when he was already handcuffed, said Carlos Zaragoza, a third-year English and history student who witnessed the incident.

"(He was) no possible danger to any of the police," Zaragoza said. "(He was) getting shocked and Tasered as he was handcuffed."

But Young said at the time the police likely had no way of knowing whether the individual was armed or that he was a student.

As Tabatabainejad was being dragged through the room by two officers, he repeated in a strained scream, "I'm not fighting you" and "I said I would leave."

The officers used the "drive stun" setting in the Taser, which delivers a shock to a specific part of the body with the front of the Taser, Young said.

A Taser delivers volts of low-amperage energy to the body, causing a disruption of the body's electrical energy pulses and locking the muscles, according to a report by the American Civil Liberties Union.

"It's an electrical shock. ... It causes pain," Young said, adding that the drive stun would not likely demobilize a person or cause residual pain after the shock was administered. Young also said a Taser is less forceful than a baton, for example.

But according to a study published in the Lancet Medical Journal in 2001, a charge of three to five seconds can result in immobilization for five to 15 minutes, which would mean that Tabatabainejad could have been physically unable to stand when the officers demanded that he do so.

"It is a real mistake to treat a Taser as some benign thing that painlessly brings people under control," said Peter Eliasberg, managing attorney at the ACLU of Southern California.

"The Taser can be incredibly violent and result in death," Eliasberg said.

According to an ACLU report, 148 people in the United States and Canada have died as a result of the use of Tasers since 1999.

During the altercation between Tabatabainejad and the officers, bystanders can be heard in the video repeatedly asking the officers to stop and requesting their names and identification numbers. The video showed one officer responding to a student by threatening that the student would "get Tased too." At this point, the officer was still holding a Taser.

Such a threat of the use of force by a law enforcement officer in response to a request for a badge number is an "illegal assault," Eliasberg said.

"It is absolutely illegal to threaten anyone who asks for a badge â€" that's assault," he said.

Tabatabainejad was released from custody after being given a citation for obstruction/delay of a peace officer in the performance of duty.

Neither Tabatabainejad nor his family were giving interviews Wednesday.

Police officers said they determined the use of Tasers was necessary when Tabatabainejad did not do as they asked.

According to a UCPD press release, Tabatabainejad went limp and refused to exit as the officers attempted to escort him out. The release also stated Tabatabainejad "encouraged library patrons to join his resistance." At this point, the officers "deemed it necessary to use the Taser in a "drive stun' capacity."

"He wasn't cooperative; he wouldn't identify himself. He resisted the officers," Young said.

Neither the video footage nor eyewitness accounts of the events confirmed that Tabatabainejad encouraged resistance, and he repeatedly told the officers he was not fighting and would leave.

Tabatabainejad was walking with his backpack toward the door when he was approached by two UCPD officers, one of whom grabbed the student's arm. In response, Tabatabainejad yelled at the officers to "get off me." Following this demand, Tabatabainejad was stunned with a Taser.

UCPD and the UCLA administration would not comment on the specifics of the incident as it is still under investigation.

In a statement released Wednesday, Interim Chancellor Norman Abrams said investigators were reviewing the situation and the officers' actions.

"I can assure you that these reviews will be thorough, vigorous and fair," Abrams said.

The incident, which Zaragoza described as an example of "police brutality," left many students disturbed.

"I realize when looking at these kind of arrest tapes that they don't always show the full picture. ... But that six minutes that we can watch just seems like it's a ridiculous amount of force for someone being escorted because they forgot their BruinCard," said Ali Ghandour, a fourth-year anthropology student.

"It certainly makes you wonder if something as small as forgetting your BruinCard can eventually lead to getting Tased several times in front of the library," he added.

Edouard Tchertchian, a third-year mathematics student, said he was concerned that the student was not offered any other means of showing that he was a UCLA student."

[Source]

Bad omens?

It was a dark and stormy night... well, atleast it felt like it when

MY COMPUTER CRASHED!!!
*dramatic scary music inserted here*

The horror!!!

I was minding my business, procrastinating (just a little) with the usual myspace, gmail, and etc when *PEERRWWN* <~~ that was the sound my computer made when it DIED!!!

I luckily got it to turn back on long enough to back up inportant things such as pictures and class notes - and a few really cool programs before *PEERWWWN* blank screen. death.

I of course freak out, and luckily my friend's little sister from back home was visiting, and I decided very hastily that I refuse to be on this island without my laptop, and sent it home with her so the nice people at circuit city could fullfill their warrently requirements. Here I insert the bad omens:

1. I call my mother:
"Mom."
"WHAT'S WRONG" in the overly dramatic I'm your mother worried voice
"My computer died, I'm sending it home"
"oh thank god"
"WHAT?!"
"No, I just had this horrible nightmare about you and thought something had happened"
"huh? - nightmare?"
"just be careful"

- ok, so I believe a little in dreams and signs and etc. Don't judge me - there have been some weird things that've happened, even this semester that I may or may not feel like blogging.

2. my roomate drops almost every single thing she touches.
- she is normally a very very organized and... un-clumsy (i made it up, carry on) person, and the fact that dropping things is a bad omen in my culture and means someone is thinking ill of you is no better. This comes to my attention right after my mother tells me she has horrible dreams about me and was worried about me.
- my roomate's computer also crashes, and she drops her really cool cell phone into (get this) a glass of coke.
HOW DO YOU DROP A PHONE INTO AN ITTY BITTY GLASS OF COKE!?

- anyway, not that important, but another little notch in my every growing superstitious mind

and finally:
3. TB calls me at 4 in the morning. Not only is this odd because he never calls me, it's odd because we just broke up, he doesn't believe in superstition bs, and because even while dating he never called from a land line or phone, just internet phone or calling cards:
*groggy* hewwow?"
"Nic?"
"yeah"
"you ok?"
"yeah"
"you asleep? sorry i didn't realize it was 4"
"It's ok"
"I had a horrible nightmare about you and wanted to make sure you were ok"
"nightmare what?!" *WIDE AWAKE*
"sorry, it was a really bad nightmare, I just wanted to make sure you were ok"
"that's fine"
"how've you been?"
"I think I'm going to die"

and there it is. I think I'm going to die.


DIE DIE DIE

everyone's having bad dreams about me, my roomate is dropping shit, and not to mention one of my friends recently woke up with a local hovering over her bed while his homey's stole her computer, books, ipod, and other digital expensive items. (this goes along with that other blog that i might or might not write where i dreamed this occurance the night before)

I'm going to die.

peace out

So today's the day.

Things with TB will end today - but he doesn't know that. It's one of the many steps I've taken that have shocked me since coming to this island.

I am turning 24 soon. The big 24. The age I told myself would be the earliest I would ever get married.

Don't get your panties in a bunch I'm not thinking of getting married.

But I have realized I have to stop acting like I don't care about anything or anyone, and make an effort to meet someone of substance without doing the whole bullshit relationship thing.

TB is hot. He's hot, ambitious, loves me and... is in Germany. We have amazing converstions, intellectually stimulate each other and he lives in GERMANY! I have convinced myself this is a bullshit relationship. One that will boggle me down for atleast another year, lead to serious discussion, and lead to absolutely nothing - which will leave me at almost 25 and single looking for a husband. No thank you.

So (very unlike me) I told myself to take the high road. To take the relationship as it was, an amazing and almost perfect summer romance, and leave it to its good memories. To not drag it down to the point where we fight over nothing, avoid each other, and force each other to see each other during our breaks because we have to. To in a way... act like a grown up and realize this isn't the best for my future and end it while I can. It's hard enough after 4 months - imagine another year. BAH!

So I told him we wouldn't talk for a week. I turned the tables and made him think I was letting him think about things and prioritizing his upcoming exams with my distractions. We're going to speak today for the first time, and I'm going to tell him I didn't miss him. I'm going to tell him school is more important than him, and that we should just be friends. Even writing this is ripping my heart out, but it's for the best.

He's perfect, and he'll find a perfect little german girl to keep him company.

I've already caught myself turning back into the old nic, and playing little attention games with the newbies at school. Then I kick myself when they come to study with me in the library. Ugh.

:( bye TB, you will be missed.

Pink is the new blog

My sorority little sister, and my panda pal somehow smoozled their ways into getting their pictures onto pink is the new blog. She was quite happy about it. It was panda's 22nd. How obsessive can you get haha?

anyway... just boasting. They're the 2 hotties holding a chocolate cake. :) I miss home

:)

So I am a typical girl. Hormones will eventually drive me crazy. The sadness I felt earlier in the week that i attributed to lack of attention actually had to do with my hormonal peaks leading to the visitation of my "friend" a little earlier than usual.

That's nice.

School hasn't been too stressful so far. Though I do have a complaint about each of my professors, I know that it's a much more feasible semester than the last one.

The micro professor WILL drive me crazy. I don't like people who don't know what they're talking about. He made us pay 100$ for his "intellectual notes" - i.e. the powerpoints he goes over in class, and they are probably the most unorganized pieces of chollera bacillus i have ever seen. It takes me an enternity to go over the 200 slides he does in a day and ORGANIZE them in a way that I will be able to digest the information. That's nice. Then he sits there and shouts the information at us, while sneakily reading it. UGH.

The pathology teacher is adorable. He does care if we pass our shelf, and tries to incorporate systemic with the general pathology we're doing now - but he too is unorganized and i am forced to read the book to clarify. This is no tiny book ladies and gents... it's robbins, a MILLION pages long - and heavy to boot. I have to tote that sucker around campus every day, no bueno. But I like the class, its interactive and I learn.

Behavioral is normal psych - but he only goes over things he likes in class... so I'm responsible for other things and I can't just take notes to learn - bah humbug.

That's it - I'm actually just trying to procrastinate so I don't have to organize my notes for micro.

oh yeah - and I got access to a repeater. Probably the best invention in the world for poor students like me. It enables me to steal internet. It's tite, I love it. Buuuut, I have to borrow it every night if i want it. Oh well - cheap.

I'm also moving in 2 months closer to campus. The new place is amazing, and has a great view. I won't be right on the beach or have the water right behind my house like I do now, but I take it for granted now and I'd rather be near school

My life is dull, oh well - there's my update

:(

Ireland/Germany vs. Freedom...

I'm not happy. Relationships are about being happy. He's too busy, and I'm too... whatever I am it's not happy.

Damn.

The girlfriend rant...

yes I know - I know i know i know, but not only am I procrastinating, but I haven't been paid attention to, so here we go.

WHAT THE HELL!!!

The boyfriend is doing all kinds of shenanigans and isn't paying attention to me. :( He DOES have legit reasons:

1. starting his new business
2. a crapload of business/language/idon'tcareijustwanthimtopayattentiontome classes
3. time difference.
4. blow me

but he doesn't GIVE ME A GOD DAMNED SCHEDULE! Then he calls me on his cell phone drunk ($$$) which he can't afford and tells me how much he misses me, and how we need to talk to more.

*grumble*

so basically the little shit wants me to be on the internet 24/7 so that IF he does log into skype I'll be on call to set up the video cam and talk to him.

unfortunately, MYYYYYYYYY schedule will be getting pretty hectic starting next week. With atleast 3 quizes a week in pathology and micro, tests up my ass, and a minor behavioral science annoyance... time will not be this easily given.

things don't look too good kids. Atleast I still know I get a free trip to ireland for new years, and germany in may.

:)

...

:(

grr.

*side note* there are a million new kids at school this semester. The gods have been friendly after giving me a lack of fresh meat last semester. BUT MUST THEY PROVIDE SAID MEAT WHEN I'VE "COMMITTED". I'm trying here!!! WHAT THE HELL!!!

i've counted... 10 hotties. That's alot for our small island. Weeeeeeell, by my standards, only 2 REAL hotties, but I counted the cute ones too.

2 have already asked me to study with them. I told them i don't study at school (which I do, I just hide in a back room)

...

yep.

inflamed lymphatic? I hope so...

I was taking off my shorts, preparing for an awkwards night sleep on the couch (the parents and sister + friend were visiting) when in the dark my nail brushed against it.

"OW!!! - dammit, i got another ingrown hair."

*tangent*
Have I ever mentioned how much i HATE shaving. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I am a waxer. I wax EVERYTHING when given the opportunity. I HATE HATE HATE shaving.

*on with the blog*
So of course the first thing I do when I feel an ingrown hair is sqeeze. Holy mother of jesus that thing exploded. I grumble a couple of curse words, do to the bathroom and finally turn on a light wipe my hands and look and the thing when I notice how large the area is.

"it's not a lump, it's probably an inflamed lymph nodule" i say to myself so I don't freak out.

I decide to sleep it off.

The next morning my "lump" is larger. Still hoping it's an inflammed lymphatic,
i sqeeze again.

I've repeated this every morning for the past couple of days.

The lump hasn't gone away, and nothing is coming out of it anymore.

Yesterday I begin to freak a little. My mother, my aunts, my grandmother, all have had a run in with cancer. I begin to take my genetics into consideration as i try to examine the ingrown hair from hell. Self diagnosis is a bitch.

Last night i applied antibiotic the area the ingrown hair had been (now pretty much gone) I picked off the scab (basically dug a new whole) and dumped bactine all over that sucker.

This morning the lump is smaller. I figure it's still an inflammed lymph nodule and decide my current treatment is working.

we'll see... i'm giving it another week before i might freak again and try to get a ticket to the states for a check up.

eek!

Koran 9:11

This has been circulating around the net - someone correct if inaccurate.

BUT if accurate... well, read for yourself

Koran (9:11)
For it is written that a son of Arabia would awaken a
fearsome Eagle. The wrath of the Eagle would be felt throughout the
lands of Allah and lo, while some of the people trembled in despair still
more rejoiced; for the wrath of the Eagle cleansed the lands of Allah; and
there was peace.

Fail harder

Yes well - I guess I'm not use to curves.

My whole life I've been accustomed to grades which reflected only one or two questions wrong per test, giving my averages in the 90's and at worst in the 80's. Here, however, one must be use to failing everything it seems. The difference is, you must somehow see how BADLY you're failing vs. the rest of the class.

Though I thought I did terribly by nic standards on my finals, compared to my class, and the united states in general - I knew my shit.

That astounds me.

I am happy to inform you all that in one short week I will be starting my second year of medical school.

Apparently our microbiology teacher is the DEVIL... I am not looking forward to this.

MY bracelet

The night before TB left I took of MY bracelet - the one I'd been wearing in antigua since almost day one - and hid it in his luggage.

He just found it while unpacking and called to let me know he thought it was priceless - he didn't know my weird story with the bracelets... I didn't even really associate my bracelet with the previous events until right about now.

I had just wanted to give him a part of me to take home.

oooooooooh boy.

I had also hidden a shell I'd written some cute notes on in some shoes he had left at my house not thinking he was going to wear them... yeah he did, he didn't understand what the painful sharp thing digging into his toe was until he took off his shoes and the pretty broken shell pieces fell out in flakes. That was nice... whoops.

Annoying.

The ex boyfriend is driving me CRAZY!

I don't think he can get over the fact that I honestly don't care about his current relationship - or should I say, that I'm not jealous.

Many just out of college twenty somethings are on myspace. Though I am not one of the many that was addicted to facebook, it's the big kid version of the college obsession.

My ex is on myspace. Though I have my profile set to private he'll nag me to death anytime I even CONSIDER deleting him. It was a big deal when I refused to stick him on my "top 8"... now my "top 24".

With that being said - when the change in relationship status went from "single" to "in a relationship" I got a nasty little e mail which state something along the lines of "you never cared about me," and "how long were you talking to this guy while you were stringing me along."
*pause*
Might i remind you of previous events where in fact TB came along AFTER cpe was in a COMMITTED relationship with some girl back home.

Next I took a video of a time where TB cooked for me and sent it to my girls via myspace. I made it PRIVATE - as in crazy ex can't see - but crazy ex also stalks my friend's pages so it seems... and sent another nasty e mail about me being happy now, and how he's happy I'm happy and blah blah blah.

i still havn't replied to any of these messages

He's now reverted to AIM. He will AIM me anytime I log on when attempting to file transfer to other students in my class.

Annoying.

"I just wanted to see how things are going"
"they're going"
*x box*

Finally: I put up a picture with TB. A cute, casual, candid shot of the two of us eating breakfast at the beach bar by my house. In said picture TB is wearing a pink shit, and I am kissing his cheek while he is grinning. The caption is the nickname I gave him, "TB."

I get another little e mail - with cpe's default picture now being changed to a picture I took of him in a pink shit while he vistited antigua with a caption "real men wear pink" and another uploaded with HIM kissing his current girlfriend with a caption of his nickname for HER (she's not cute at all, nice body though) in almost the same exact pose as the one I put up.

I was about to puke.

GET A LIFE!


... vent over. I really want to delete him, but I feel it will be more drama and bitching than it's worth - atleast now it's only once a week... grr.

Goodbye?

4 months. That's when I might be headed to Germany to see GH (german hottie). I could name him something else... GH seems so impersonal. I now dub him TB... but I'll never tell you why.

I think the worst part came when he walked away. It didn't feel real until he hugged me goodbye, and upon exiting the hug I found myself clinging tighter.

I shed tears.

ME.

The initial ones, and I mean one or two, were stopped and shoved down. It wasn't until he handed the customs agent his passport, embarkment (spl?) tax slip, turned around to blow me one more kiss and walked away where I lost it.

I didn’t wait for him to turn around again. The second his back was to me and the tears started coming I bolted to the parking lot where my car was. There was no way I was about to have him turn around for a final look and see me like that.

4 months…

Sylvester (that’s what they call new years)

We’ll see...

Infatuation?

We were sitting in silence on the back porch watching the pelicans diving for fish when he turned to me and told me he thought he was falling in love with me.

I told him I didn't think he knew the difference between love and infatuation, then I reminded him he was leaving in 5 days.

He just kissed my hand and continued to drink his coffee... he's beautiful when he's thinking.

RIP

I find sadness in the death of a blog: I never even got to read it!

Broken

So we all know I just jumped out of normal nic clothes and committed to someone. (and just in case you didn't know... I did, I committed... bah) I'll be the first to tell you it was a very rash, unplanned event. All my nic senses are telling me to turn around and run, but I'm not listening. I'm going against instinct... but I'm sitting here wondering if it's really my "instinct" or if I'm just scared.

I'll be the first to tell people I'm broken. I am. I am broken. I dated two different men back to back during a time where I was growing and learning about others as well as myself- and I got burned. For 2 straight years I dealt with securities and insecurities of not only myself but others. I went from the self confident girl that just liked to cuddle, to the over analysing trustless individual you've all become accustomed to. I dated a man who sincerely believes he loves me that treated me like shit, and fled into the arms of a man who didn't love me but treated me like a queen.

Because of this I doubt.

Not others, but myself.

I don't know what I'm doing with this guy. God, he lives in GERMANY! GERMANY. In 14 days he's going to be gone and as much as I tell myself that maybe, just MAYBE I'll see him again, I know i won't. This isn't something that will work out in the long run. So what am I doing?

I tell myself I'm learning how to trust again - but I see myself pulling myself away from him. Doing things to anger him so he pushes me away.
I tell myself I'm learning how to be confident in myself again - but I only feel ugly and self concious when he tells me I'm beautiful.
I tell myself I'm myself again - but I don't even know who I am... how am I supposed to go back to normalcy?

I don't understand what I'm doing. I don't understand how I'm supposed to overcome this. I've tried talking about it to close friends... but it doesn't help. How is it that I feel nothing for my past, but my past is inhibiting how I feel for the present?

Who knows? Maybe I can't fix myself... maybe I need a German to fix me. Maybe, just maybe... I need to stop protecting myself and fall.

Maybe I'm just not as strong as I'd like to think I am.

Breathe

Last night german hottie made me wimper.

As in I couldn't breath for 5 seconds, my body started convulsing, and I wimpered...

European men, though they act a little fruity (they actually take care of themselves... shave... lotion up... smell good) are friggin amazing.

best part is - he did all this without me having to sleep with him. SCORE!

Backrub --> spasms --> sleep

life is good.

Chicks on chicks clothing

chicks on chicks clothing

Found a new upcoming artist's site - actually met her in Antigua, she dropped everything, bought a catamaran and decided to sail the world. Crazy.

Anyway she's tite, and I'm in love with her shirt with the mermaid on it. She gave me a free one - and it's pretty freakin cool. Anyway, good quality and the mermaid is actually the same as her tattoo and she put it on the shirt in the same place her tattoo is.

"rad"

she uses surfer slang, it's pretty cool.

nic out

tequila shot anyone?

German hottie is a good cuddler, and kisser, and is completely respectful.

Dammit

Now I think he's a nice guy.

Nice guys can't play with girls like me - his only saving grace is that he's leaving in a month... so I'll only have to play nice girl for another month or so.

I think I can do that.

Problem

The CPE events are bringing about flashbacks from the KFP era. This is not good considering I took all those emotions and stuffed them waaaaaaaaay down inside myself so I wouldn't have to deal with them.

uh oh.

on another note - there are some hot german interns who are staying on my resort for the next month. It was a choice between tall blond goodlooking, or tall brune good looking (what do i call a male brown haired man? hmm... i'll settle for brune).

I chose the blond. He seems he like he would be a good cuddler... :)

A Sign?

While dating KFP bought me two bracelets. One I lost, the other found its way into my Antigua things. I think I mentioned before how I was wearing it. I’m not sure if I told you I took it off because it was breaking.

I took it off the day before CPE came, who oddly enough gave me a bracelet he’d bought for me while on a work trip to Guyana. He had a 3 hour layover in Antigua and nagged me to death to meet him and his coworkers for lunch 2 days before a horrible biochem/genetics/physio test.

I took that as a sign and put it on, replacing the spot KFP’s bracelet had been.

I haven’t taken it off since. Last night while blogging about all the shenanigans that had just occurred I looked down and saw that the bracelet had begun unraveling.

Another sign?

Does this mean yet another end of an era. That the bracelet should come off to leave room to be replaced by another?

Does this mean I want the bracelet to be replaced by another?

I’ve been a heartless bitch for way too long. This girlishness is making my head hurt.

Bah humbug.

The End of an Era

Well supposing you’ve read the previous blog entry you have some questions.

Trying to answer them will be a different story considering I don’t really know what’s going on in this fucked up head of mine.

CPE started acting weird about a week ago – right after I told him he was freaking me out and to back off a little. Then he started annoying me – giving me shit because I wasn’t calling him… asking personal questions dealing with my love life on the island, so on and so forth. Needless to day I backed off even more.

Then he started acting weird, as in weird weird. Not calling like he always did, and doing things that made me think he’d met some girl. Or course this really didn’t bother me – what bothered me was that he would give me shit for not calling him and putting the growing distant thing on me. He was projecting, I knew he was projecting, I turned into bitch mode.

Finally I got fed up and called him out. To which he starting rambling on some speech that he’d obviously prepared starting with the “I’ve been meaning to have a talk with you for some time, I met this girl last week blah blah...”

Let’s just get this straight – I never actually thought CPE and I would ever get back together. There are just too many things about him that I don’t like. Not to mention my family and friends absolutely hate him, and his recycling has been kept secret from everyone who knew me back when I actually dated him.

On that note – my thoughts on him meeting someone else being confirmed were odd. In some way it hurt, because he’d fought so hard for me to see he had changed yet within a couple days he just… changed his mind. On the other hand I was happy for him. Really really happy, because I knew we’d never be together and he’d finally met someone who accepted him.

So I was stuck there in this weird I’m hurt because I’m being selfish and I’m happy you’re happy mode, where I actually did shed some tears when he told me about said girl while at the same time trying to express to him that this was the best thing for him to do.

So I’m sitting here thinking – I should just stop talking to him again.

If I continue to speak to him, things will be awkward. I’m use to being number one, to having him drop everything for me. I’m also competitive and if this girl actually gets him to commit I’ll start playing stupid mind games – I know myself too well.

If I don’t speak to him he’ll just be hurt for awhile, and probably think I’m doing it because he hurt me, but at the same time he won’t have me to continuously run to and will focus his attention on the girl. He’ll probably commit, and without me in the back of his mind maybe even consider spending the rest of his life with the girl.

I really want him to be happy, I really really do. My broken ways shouldn’t hold him back just because I need someone to fall back on.

On a side note – this just really freaked me out – he bought me a bracelet (there is a story behind this I don’t feel like typing out) from when he was in Guyana and came to see me here – did I tell you guys about this? Hmm… I should update more. Anyway I just realized it broke. Tonight, the night he told me the thing is unraveling. Freakin weird, it was fine 3 hours ago wtf.

It’s a sign – the CPE era is over. I need to be strong for him and shut him out… for the last time.

*sigh*

Easier

You should have just let me walk away, but you didn’t. Instead you made it your mission to make me change my mind. To show me you were a different person. To make me understand that all the things I knew about you were wrong – that you were worth it.

But in the end, as always, I was right.

Thankfully I didn’t let you in. I kept my independence. I kept the distance I had established between us just in case this situation arose, and like planned it did. Early enough for me not to fall into your trap, early enough for me to withhold doubt in my instincts. You, like always, were unreliable, and not worth my time.

In the long run you should have known I was too good for you. That you would never be accepted amongst my family and my peers as the person you wanted to be accepted as. They all hated you, they all hate you. I could never take you home nor could I take you out among them. I knew we would never amount to anything – but you kept trying to change my mind.

I won’t lie, I did give you chance. I told myself if you actually made it. If you actually did something in your life without my influence – without me pushing you, that I would give you the second chance you dreamed of. The one you begged for. The one you got on your knees and said you deserved because you had changed, right before I grabbed your face in my hands and told you that it wasn’t me you wanted but the chase.

In the end I was right.

You will never change. If it wasn’t now while I was indecisive, it would’ve been later when I had let you in. Thank god for my walls. Thank god for my lack of trust. Thank god I was already broken because with the show you put on, you might have done some real damage in a sane person.

Oddly enough I’m happy for you. I’ve always cared for your happiness – it just comes as a shock that I was right when you tried so hard to show me I was wrong.

You should have just let me walk away, but like we both know, I’m worth it – and you’ll never be able to do any better.

Sex, money and maybe some self reflection

There are times when I feel I’m grown, that I surpass my peers and can actually look at things objectively, that I know myself and know when I’m overacting or being unreasonable. Then there are times when I look in the mirror and think, holy shit, you are 23 years old – who the hell are you?

So lets see, I’m stuck on this god forsaken island. I don’t have a job yet, I really don’t know anything that’ll happen after the USMLE step 1 except that I’ll hopefully be doing my clinicals in NYC and that I’ll be getting paid practically nothing when I’m doing my rotations. Then I think about money, and how I’m already 30 something grand in the hole, and by the time I reach step 1 I’ll be about 100 grand in. Not mentioning clinical tuition after that and yeah – my rotations, I can’t even think that far ahead without wanting to bang my head against the wall.

Next I think about love. Heaven forbid I have time to fall in love. If I surpass my time difficulty my standards are so effing high that FINDING him will be a chore. Or say I find him, and all I have time for is – well I’m sure you’ve all seen ER or grey’s anatomy or all those other shows on TV that try to explain the life of a medical student – gah! Who has time for anything anymore – and yeah I’ll say it, I want kids. When the hell am I going to be able to pop out my 2.5 kids and have my perfect family with debt the size of Mt Everest and a job that has me on call 24/7?

Then I look to the people on this island, my so called peers. Am I really a snob? I can’t stand 99% of these people. The second I get close to any of them – well lets see.
- We have the bitch who stole my IPOD
- We have sp, who is so friggin annoying – and whose ego has become overblown (but that’s another blog)
- We have… I’ll name him the midget – an annoying immature equadorian kid who whenever he speaks I want to bang my head against the walls. He’s more of a girl than I am and cries about everything
- We have scary naked guy
- Freaky MD
aaaaaaaaaahosifjoseijhwer

The men are disgusting, the women are whores – and I’m sitting here staring at them thinking “how the hell is that it I feel like the prude here?!”

Granted… as much as it’s hard to believe, I guess I am somewhat prudish considering I hate one night stands and make a man converse with me before I drunkenly make out with him – and no, you can’t come home with me the first night we meet even if you do only want to cuddle (HA!)

*dramatic pause*

So again I sit here and wonder, is it me? Am I the freak who doesn’t know how the world works? Should I know that it only revolves around sex and money?

Uh oh

I'm in a weird place right now. My normal sarcasm is currently being replaced by seriousness and deep thought.

*pause*

yes well, it shocked me too.

I am constantly amazed by how small trivial things mean the world to someone at a certain point in their life.

Recently I've been thinking of KFP a lot. A lot a lot. A lot as in for some freakin reason everything seems to be relating to him. My ipod is constantly playing out break up songs (yes i know why do i have them if i don't want to listen to them... blah blah blah). Movies that we use to watch are constantly the only things on TV. People keep talking about jack johnson... that's a big me and KFP sex thing. Some bracelet he bought for me found its way into my antigua things and I'm currently wearing it... so that in itself is reminding me constantly (so take it off you say? yes... well that would be the easy way out).

So I wrote him an e mail. No not a weird i miss you e mail, but an e mail that just said "yo, I havn't spoken to you in over a year, and now I want to tell you what's been going on in my life even though I ignored your attempts at getting in touch with me because I didn't give a rats ass about how you and the hooker you left me for are doing." *breathe*

He hasn't written back.

I'm not sure if it's a good or bad thing.

I havn't written to him in this long because I really didn't think I wanted to hear how he's been doing. I mean, he really really hurt me. He's turned me into the heartless bitch that seems to come out when I find a good guy - and the wimpering idiot when I find a jackass. I frankly didn't want to hear "sorry I hurt you," or "I'm getting married to the slut I left you for even though she's only 19," or "I want you back," because I wouldn't know how to handle it. I wouldn't want to hear it. I wouldn't want to deal with it. I wouldn't care - point blank.

So why did I write him you ask?

Because for some odd reason I miss him. I want to hear he's doing ok. I don't want to really... converse, but I want to open that door back up.

Confusing? yes.

Hell I don't even get it myself.

like I said... uh oh.

The flight of the bumblebee

So things here are… well ugh – it’s Antigua, it’ll never be home. School is… school. I’m liking my biochemistry class a lot – yet everyone around me seems to hate it. Odd. Eh, I guess I just have a different learning ability. I like biochem, maybe I should’ve gone into research… I’m starting to lean towards pediatrics. I love kids. I want to do some pro bono work atleast one month out of the year out of country, and although pediatricians don’t make that much money… well – I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it.

We had a boat full of navy boys pull in this week. I’ve never been so ashamed of my fellow Americans. From bar fights, to puking on themselves, to running around naked on our beach, to flat out being rude – they sure did represent our country well. It’s pretty bad when I’m stuck on this god forsaken island and I don’t find a single one of them attractive because of their lack of manners. They pretty much disgusted me, and should be ashamed of themselves. On the other hand I did meet some really cool ones, I met a cook who other than being really young showed me his camera with almost everything he’s experienced on his first cruise. He’d come from a very poor white trashish area and the things he was witnessing and the places he was going, not to mention the amount of money he was getting paid to experience it all was overwhelming him. He was an artist, showed me a couple of his drawings, his camera had films of planes taking off and landing on the aircraft carrier that he was going to show his family back home. I met an older man who’d been enlisted for 17 years. He was very respectful and kept apologizing about all the “young’uns botherin’ us”. It was cute. Anyway – I slacked off most of the week either talking to them, or one of sp’s friends that came to visit.

That is a story within itself. Sp brought a girl into town. She’s cute, not hot but cute, typical blonde, not a very athletic body – just skinny. Anyway he’s completely in love with her – and she… she can’t stand him. So she’s been clinging to me for dear life, poor girl. Therefore sp’s been skipping class to be with her, and basically smothering her – while she runs away and tries to hang out with me as much as possible. She assumed she’d be visiting a close friend, he thought he’d be having lots and lots of sex.

*sigh*

men are idiots.

Speaking of idiots – CPE. He’s definitely fighting for me, you can’t blame a guy for trying. It’s pretty bad how he knows me as well as he does, because he’s doing everything right. He’s giving me space but at the same time sending emails saying the right thing. It’s hard because I know I’ll never want to be with him, I know we’ll never work, I know I’ll get sick of him easily, but at a distance non of that seems to matter and I find myself smiling at his e mails, laughing at his corny jokes… UGH!!! WHAT THE HELL!!! He also wants to come and visit. I’m torn between knowing it’ll be a bad idea, and wanting him to come – just for a couple of days.

I just want to cuddle, is that so bad?

Ha.

Lottery

I went to a baseball game.

On the way there the bums had lined themselves up begging for money. I being the gullible person I am and reached into my wallet for a dollar and gave it to one of them in passing without looking back. I heard him scream in surprise yelling “thank you thank you thank you” after me. “Weird,” I thought to myself, “It was just a dollar.”

There was a man behind me taking his little boy to the game. They were probably walking about ten paces behind us, the little boy on his shoulder. I heard the man tell his little boy “see? She just made that man’s day. Just watch she’ll win the lottery for that.”

I remember thinking wow – a dollar to a bum is going a long way these days. So I started thinking hmm, maybe being nice isn’t so bad after all. I’ll give more bums dollar bills instead of change. My spirits start lifting, it was a great day for a game, I was with my friends, what could go wrong?

I go to buy my ticket.

Prior to seeing the bum, I had three dollar bills and a twenty in my wallet. Guess what I found when counting up my money to give the boys for my ticket.

Three dollars.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!!!

I GAVE THE FREAKIN BUM TWENTY DOLLARS!!! NOW HE’S GOING TO RUN AND EITHER GET A SHITLOAD OF DRUGS AND OD OR DRINK HIMSELF TO DEATH.

I better win the lottery.

I’m in medical school – I’m the one that should be begging on the side of the road for money.

DAMMIT!

Karma… I’m counting on you now.

Recycling

The inevitable happened, I recycled CPE. I’m ashamed to actually admit it, but I would like to throw in there that I was drunk… both times. Oops.

It was a definite booty call. He was on assignment somewhere near me, or atleast near enough. He called me while I was drunk and, well, I wake up naked in his hotel room (it was very comfortable by the way) sore as hell. Apparently not having sex for almost a year made the experience mirror the loss of my virginity. OWIE. Lesson learned. Hurt even more the next night… yes I tried.

Contrary to popular belief I really am a good girl. I’ve only slept with the same amount of men as I have loved - hence, my recycling ability. Sex with strangers is dirty – I know of too many things that could go wrong or things you can contract that would definitely NOT make it worth it.

Here’s the bad part. He told me he loved me after…

*banging head against the wall*

I tried explaining to him that the only reason he thought he loved me is because I’m the only girl that’s rejected him. He’s a pretty boy. The kid snaps his fingers and has girls falling all over him. I asked him if he really loved me why he fucked up… over and over again. Why when I left him the first time and he had almost won me back did he revert back to his old ways. I tried explaining to him that it’s not me he wanted, but the chase. I tried to be as blunt as possible. I DO care about him… I just wish he wasn’t still hung up on me. I don’t want to lead him on, I know how that feels.

Ugh I feel horrible.

But there it is. I recycled. He was too big – it hurt. Now my lust for sex is gone and it’s been replaced by a need for cuddling, and movies, and kissing, and ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

WHAT THE HELL HAS HAPPENED TO ME!!!

Miss me?

So it’s been awhile since I’ve blogged, I know you’ve missed me. Things at home got pretty hectic, I have a lot of stories – I’ll write down the ones I want to get into here, and start typing them up in word and post them when I get internet access (which is rare nowadays).

I’m back in Antigua. I ran into sp at the airport. I think we’re in a happy place with that whole thing. What isn’t spoken about never happened right? Right. I also ran into the scary naked guy with his fupa’ed girlfriend. Know what a fupa is? “Fat Upper _____ Area.” Her boobs touch her fupa.

Nasty.

I was looking around for any fresh meat that might be the new med 1 class at the airport, and was sorely disappointed. Once again there are no attractive males on this island. Well actually… there’s an upperclassmen I met last semester. He’s a model from Miami. I mean I know what you’re thinking, MODEL?! WOW! No. He’s not that hot, but he takes great pictures. The kid is amazing on film. He also looks pretty damn good without his shirt on, but that’s beside the point. I’m in Antigua, which means my standards are much lower, and dammit I miss cuddling. I’m at that point where I’ve been single long enough that my hatred for a relationship has been replaced by a nagging crave for snuggling and wanting to do cutesy things that I would have gagged at a month ago.

*sigh*

I’m still plotting to get my ipod back. This requires being nice to the bitch, which depresses me. I’m not a happy camper in class when she sits next to me. But I plaster on that smile like the good little faker I am and suck it up. When I get my ipod back I’m going to elbow her.

And maybe pull her hair a little. (see video’s below)

Grr.

Girl Fight!

So - after watching a news special about how some teenagers stuck up a girlfight on myspace, I decided I was going to find said girlfight and watch it.

I found so much more.



Some are rather disturbing.


That girl at the end had a knife...


Don't mind the knocked out girl in the corner... she's fine - wait did I get blood on my purse?

Now I'm searching youtube which has much much more...

Men fighting is not as amusing, I wonder why that is...