I'm in a weird place right now. My normal sarcasm is currently being replaced by seriousness and deep thought.
*pause*
yes well, it shocked me too.
I am constantly amazed by how small trivial things mean the world to someone at a certain point in their life.
Recently I've been thinking of KFP a lot. A lot a lot. A lot as in for some freakin reason everything seems to be relating to him. My ipod is constantly playing out break up songs (yes i know why do i have them if i don't want to listen to them... blah blah blah). Movies that we use to watch are constantly the only things on TV. People keep talking about jack johnson... that's a big me and KFP sex thing. Some bracelet he bought for me found its way into my antigua things and I'm currently wearing it... so that in itself is reminding me constantly (so take it off you say? yes... well that would be the easy way out).
So I wrote him an e mail. No not a weird i miss you e mail, but an e mail that just said "yo, I havn't spoken to you in over a year, and now I want to tell you what's been going on in my life even though I ignored your attempts at getting in touch with me because I didn't give a rats ass about how you and the hooker you left me for are doing." *breathe*
He hasn't written back.
I'm not sure if it's a good or bad thing.
I havn't written to him in this long because I really didn't think I wanted to hear how he's been doing. I mean, he really really hurt me. He's turned me into the heartless bitch that seems to come out when I find a good guy - and the wimpering idiot when I find a jackass. I frankly didn't want to hear "sorry I hurt you," or "I'm getting married to the slut I left you for even though she's only 19," or "I want you back," because I wouldn't know how to handle it. I wouldn't want to hear it. I wouldn't want to deal with it. I wouldn't care - point blank.
So why did I write him you ask?
Because for some odd reason I miss him. I want to hear he's doing ok. I don't want to really... converse, but I want to open that door back up.
Confusing? yes.
Hell I don't even get it myself.
like I said... uh oh.
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The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness, can be trained to do most things.
-Jilly Cooper
"The chief cause of unhappiness and failure, is trading what you want most, for what you want at the moment."
Dear god, I should"ve been born a gay man
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7 comments:
Soooo... It would be in poor taste for me to make a "recycling" comment here, then, wouldn't it...?
Just to recap here... you have one guy who wants you desperately, who you don't want, and one guy who screwed you over and hasn't talked to you in a long time and won't, and you want him desperately... Frankly, I know how you feel, in a wierd, distorted, Galactichero sort of way. Not that I would ever explain how or why, but I do. Suckers... pour your lives out for me to dissect and get nothing in return... Moo hah hah ha!!!
I refer you back to what I said to PB so long ago. Move on. It hurts, but you're biologically designed to handle it. And the guy is a fuckstick anyway, so that makes it even better. Just don't be a bigger fuckstick to someone else to make YOUR pain go away, or you'll get likened to not nice things again -- if not by yourself, then by me.
no no G, I didn't say I wanted him desperately. I just had an odd need to see how he was doing since he cut me out of my life. Big difference.
The moving on in the sense I think you're talking about has been over and done with for about a year - the moving on where I turn into the sweet carefree lack of baggage girl I use to be will have to occur in years to come.
I havn't been a very nice person... I can't blame anyone but myself but - I guess this is one of the reasons
I've never been a nice person. Not something I aspire to. There is,though, a difference between not nice and not destructive to others, or even not honorable.
I'm much less unpleasant than I used to be. I have been shocking a few people who have known me for a long time though, lately. Most notably prospective cancer girl, who I am still pretty weird about. She gets away with things no one else would even want to try.
You realize you said he cut "you" out of "your" life. Just to point that out...
I don't think you should ever give up your baggage. It's part of who you are. I do think you need to make arrangements to either carry it, or store it where you can find it when you need it.
good catch of my freudian slip.
obviously hiding the baggage and refusing to go through it isn't working eh?
bah humbug
Well, just so you know, if he's still with whatserface, and still wanted to communicate with you, that would be a lot less fun than you think. I've been there. Worse, if he's NOT with her anymore, but still doesn't want to date you, but still wants to communicate with you, you'll end up a total wreck. Be careful what you wish for...
We're biologically designed to move on? How does that work?
So, Nic, when you want to know how he's doing, do you secretly wish for him to be suffering? It seems like you actually just want to know what he's up to, but even if you don't think it, him being perfectly fine might be more info than you want.
We're all allowed to have weird moments of confusion once in a while. But I really don't think you want to go back there, Nic.
On the baggage thing...
I used to put all my ex's stuff in one box and slowly go through it each month and toss out items as they no longer affect me emotionally. Whatever's left in it after a few months is usually happy-memory-related and OK to keep.
I've never actually taken anything out to wear again... not sure what that would feel like.
But I haven't even gotten down to making a box for the current ex yet. His stuff's still sitting around my room. I should get to it.
I guess that's my very literal suggestion for storing your baggage.
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