Thursday, April 26, 2007

The death of a blog

The blog is dead - killed suddenly in a freak hurricane that swept through the bloggosphere.

Bye bye khoshkell


I hate you.

you're taking my blog away from me. Stop it.

I come here to write when I can't talk to people I converse with. I do not however come here for you to patronize me.

I should just pack up for good and let this blog die.

In fact... good idea.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

My response:

So I wrote him back, and sent the e mail about 4 days after his initial shocker. Most of it was spent replying back to his questions or comments, the end had a brief blurb about me and what I was up to.

I guess I was just really shocked that he wrote. I haven't checked the e mail since I've sent my reply, nor do I think about it unless one of my girl's from back home brings it up - or when I check into the blog world and see that my latest post is about the situation. I'm trying to figure out if that's healthy. How can I go from such utter shock and UGHness, to... meh? I WILL however be shocked if he does write back, and I am positive I won't respond to that one. I don't want him to be my friend - I don't even think I like him much as a person let alone know if I care about his life with the blonde... but at the same time I do care?

Ugh I am such a walking contradiction. How utterly annoying.

Anyway, it's sent, I let him know I have my life on a pretty amazing track - and congratulated him on his... house. He use to be so ambitious, he was going to travel, go into graphic design, live in san diego. I mentioned all those in the responding e mail saying it was a shame he never pulled through on all those. Maybe it was in a slightly spiteful way, one of those "Look at me, I'm everything I wanted to be - what have YOU done in 2 years" but at the same time it IS sad. He had potential, and he just ended up back in his old town a fat mortgage broker.


Thank god for small blessings.

Friday, March 23, 2007

The KFP/R update

Ok, now that I've calmed down a little: I know many people don't know who R and KFP are.

Thats because I never talk about them. Ever. Why don't I talk about them? Because they're old news. R was a guy I had a massive crush on and got over, over a year ago, and KFP, KFP is a long story. He's one of the main reasons I started this blog back in the day. He's pretty much the one that broke me, before him I was innocent, naive, and your perfect, baggageless, soon to be college graduate (unless you throw CPE in as baggage).

So lets back this up. I go to class one day and find this e mail:
Wanted to see how you were doing... hopefully school is going well for you. Things here are alright, weather is wishy washy. I cannot wait until summer. I am actual looking in to getting a new job.. I need to be paid more. Also, I was thinking of places I would like to go on vacation and or people I would want to visit cause I know they are a good time and I thought of you. I would try and come with my friend M and wanted to see what you thought about it.. I do not know the date I would try and come. Alright, let me know what is new with you. I feel as though we haven't talked in a long time and to be honest, even when I saw you out that one night with J, you didn't really talk to me. : (
Take care,
Yeeeeeep - so that was a tiny shocker, and one I meant on blogging about - but it wasn't really a big deal. I just found it humorous that he wrote me to see if he could find a place to crash. But I was cordial and wrote back (today - he sent this 3 day ago) and said yeah whatever, bring blankets to sleep on cause i have none, and you can crash on the couch but not during school or when the roomies are here. So I gave him a 3 day non-negotiable window. End of april or bust.

Now KFP... holy shit KFP, I don't know what to say about this. This morning was not a good one, and yes I know, repression is a bitch when it all comes up. Regardless I wake up to this:
I bet you thought you never would hear from me again. Thanks for the email a while back that I never responded back to. I mean that in the best way. I never got back to you cause thats the way way I am and always have been. For me not being a hypocrite its always been easier just to cut all ties to my past when there has been anything more than friends involved. All that being said and done with I just wanted to say hi and tell you that I am alive.

I also wanted you to know that the only good times I had in D.C was after I met you. I had a blast even though I had a lot going on in my life at the time and a lot of changes came and went. Random story, but I still do have random weekends and weeks where it seems like fights find me just like when I was back there. I swear I eat up to much crap then I cant control it. Random, Random Random.

So a little about me. I am getting married to E, June 2nd this year!! Thats huge. We bought a house in [edit], my old home town (just where I want to be) in October and I got to test all my old skool construction skills. Not bad at all if you ask me. :) E graduated this december from [edit] which is nice so we dont have to continue to do the long distance thing.

My best friend decided to join the marine corp after I get out of the army. He just got back from Iraq last week and I went down south to San Diego last weekend to have a good time. I dont ever miss the Army one bit. I have never talked to [his ex] after all that stuff happened which i think is for the best since some of my lowest times was cause of her. (She is still the only girl to ever make me sad for such a long time)

This might sound wierd but I was looking through some old emails, like really old emails and I checked out one that you sent me to check out yahoo photos and it gave me full access to all your pics. I was happy to see you traveling throughout the world. Good for you. Are you Dr.
[edit] yet? M looks rough, she needs to slow down and respect her body. I was tripping out on the pics of me that you still have on there.

I turned down the graphics job in S.F before I got out and linked up with my brother into the Mortgage business. I made a good living last year but this year has been rough with the way the mortgage business has been towards certain types of loans. I have a lot of stress with all my bills now. I am soon to be 27 too!!. I have gained some not so good weight but thats life for now, i was so involved with making money since I have been broke in the army for years I put my health on the back burner.

Saw that you were hashing, drinking beer out of your dirty stinky shoe. Good for you that was always a good time when I did that but it was always on a week night and i never really made any connections.

Do you ever see j, My old roomate? We had a falling out before I moved out. I saw on your my space that you still dont live in [edit]...:) remember I used to give you a hard time about that? where is [where i live] anyways?

You back being friends with your [branch of the military] friend CPE? I somehow feel bad for him for what I did to him after the years have gone by. I just hope that I was an experience for him not to be a dick to people he doesnt know cause there are people 100 million times tougher than me.

So thats about that. I hope all is well. Take care. KFP
What's with this take care business!!! I don't even know where to start, or how to explain any of this.

First the e mail he mentioned was the one I sent him a year ago. I think I might have blogged about it, I don't remember (i probably did) where I mentioned I hadn't talked to him in a year. I had been avoiding/ignoring all contact efforts made by his part... which had stopped when he left the state (i'm assuming). [update: found the blog where I mentioned writing him, clicky]

E is the blonde 19 year old he left me for. She's probably 21 by now. Nice. Legal. I'm still bitter. damn him.

And basically what I got out of this is that he saw old pictures of us, saw new pictures of the cool life I'm living and realized what he lost. I'm cute dammit, and I am VERY photogenic.

So he's getting married, and he's reminiscing, probably deleting old e mails, and comes along my shit. Oh look, cute ass Nic prancing around half nekkid in a bikini, who hasn't gained weight, sees pictures of me partying when my girls came up, and probably saw my new years pics with navy.

You see I never use my yahoo account - my friends actually use it more that I do. We all have the password and stick up pictures on it to pass around instead of the weird e mailing thing. It's easier that way. He saw my hash run picture... lemme see if I can actually upload that:

That's me on the left chugging beer out of a shoe. My best friend on the right wore new shoes to hash which is a big no no, so I violated her. Little did I know in hash rules, the violator must also drink from brand new shoe... disgusting.

Anyway, and his comment about CPE referred to a fight they got into. KFP had just got back from training, and we went to his old place of work (he moonlighted as a bouncer) to eat real quick before watching a movie. CPE knew he use to work there and I guess showed up that same night. I of course was still scared of CPE at this point, because he had stolen my dog, continuously called my phone, and refused to leave me alone. I saw him, told KFP we needed to leave, KFP went up to him to "ask him to leave" and was um... "escorted" out of his old bar. CPE didn't help the situation because he came straight for me hiding behind a big ass column, that drove KFP crazy so it took not one person to escort him out, but say... i dunno 5... with him screaming "don't fucking go near her!" and I tried to make my way out of the bar without CPE touching me. No good (sounds like a soap opera huh?).

Well idiot CPE came back 2 nights later after KFP had taken his phone number out of my phone (and i deleted it when I found out) and they... got into it. Cops came, I wasn't around thank god, and KFP came over with a tender hand telling me how he gave CPE a black eye. I dunno - it was a long story.

regardless... that's a lot of what happened while I wasn't blogging. Before and after.

So for him to come and e mail me now, after I've finally put him to rest (i think?) After I did a good job shoving all the emotion down to a place I rarely thought about it, HE DECIDES TO E MAIL ME AND TELL ME HE'S MARRYING THE LITTLE GIRL HE LEFT ME FOR?! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!

So my first reaction was shock, I saw it was from him, I did a mini freak out where I didn't read it, walked away from the computer, took a deep breath, and tried to figure out if I SHOULD read it.

Of course curiosity killed that cat.

When I read the line about him marrying that girl my heart dropped.


And I remembered all the hurt I'd felt and how much he'd broken me, and how long it took for me to feel I was pretty again. How I'd dated so many annoying guys to get over him, getting sick of them each after a month. How I finally became comfortable enough with myself to realize that I didn't need to be dating these losers. How long it took me to be comfortable being alone. Happy being alone.

2 years. It took 2 years.

And with that one line, he had me remembering everything and I started bawling.

Yes bawling.

Nice huh?

I tried to call M. She's the only one of the friends I have who was there for the KFP era. B came after and T... T always hated him so there's no way I could talk to her about it. And she didn't pick up. Neither did B.

So who did I talk to? Navy - idiot me.

He told me not to write back.

I don't like that subject.

Later I got a hold of B and M who both said write back. M told me it would be closure...

I don't even know what closure is.

It's raining exes

This is got to be the worst 3 days of my life - first R writes me an e mail after not talking for over a year then

this morning

i wake up

go to the computer

and I have an e mail from non other

wait for it



I don't have much to say on it, I guess I'll post it up later... he's marrying the girl he left me for... god I don't know I guess I'm kinda still in shock.

I've suppressed almost every emotion i had toward that situation, it's not the man I miss, its the feeling, and now he reminds me of how much it fucking hurts. fuck him.

I WILL eventually write him back, I know myself... but damn... damn damn damn, what the hell is going on.

Thursday, March 15, 2007


Apparently my blog has become cool enough to stick onto some weird fantasy blog stock market


If anyone from back home finds me again... I'm going to scream.

(p.s. its says I'm worth 1,000.00... cool)

Wednesday, March 14, 2007


I haven't seen the movie, so I can't comment,8599,1598886,00.html?cnn=yes

All of Tehran was outraged. Everywhere I went yesterday, the talk vibrated with indignation over the film 300 — a movie no one in Iran has seen but everyone seems to know about since it became a major box office surprise in the U.S. As I stood in line for a full hour to buy ajeel, a mixture of dried fruits and nuts traditional to the start of Persian new year festivities, I felt the entire queue, composed of housewives with pet dogs, teenagers, and clerks from a nearby ministry, shake with fury. I hadn't even heard of the film until that morning when a screed about it came on the radio, so I was able to nod darkly with the rest of the shoppers, savoring a moment of public accord so rare in Tehran. Everywhere else I went, from the dentist to the flower shop, Iranians buzzed with resentment at the film's depictions of Persians, adamant that the movie was secretly funded by the U.S. government to prepare Americans for going to war against Iran. "Otherwise why now, if not to turn their people against us?" demanded an elderly lady buying tuberoses. "Yes, truly it is a grave offense," I said, shaking my own bunch of irises.

I returned home to discover my family in a similar state of pique. My sister-in-law sat behind her laptop, sending off an e-mail petition against the film to half of Tehran, while my husband leafed through a book on the Achaemenid Empire, noting that Herodotus had estimated the Persian army at 120,000 men, not one million as the film claimed. The morning newspaper lay on the table with the headline "300

AGAINST 70 MILLION!" (the population of the country). It was echoed by the evening news: "Hollywood has opened a new front in the war against Iran."

The timing of the computer-generated film, which depicts the ancient confrontation of Sparta and the Persian empire at the Battle of Thermopylae, is certainly inauspicious. It falls on the eve of Norouz, Persian new year, a time when Iranians typically gather in proud celebration, observing rites that date back over 3,000 years, way before Islam, to the age of Zoroastrianism, when their ancient land produced the world's first monotheistic religion. It is not a particularly welcome season to be portrayed as pillaging, deranged savages. Since the entire country will be on two weeks of official holiday, there will be no shortage of time to sit about discussing the slight and what it portends for Iran's current confrontation with the United States. For a people prone to conspiracy logic, the box office success of 300, compared with the relative flop of Alexander (another spurious period epic dealing with Persians) is cause for considerable alarm, signaling ominous U.S. intentions.

While the hullabaloo over 300 may dampen Iranians' holiday spirits, it offers common cause between people and their estranged government. Top officials and parliament have scorned the film as though it were a matter of state, and for the first time in a long while, taxi drivers are shaking their fists in agreement when the state news comes on. Agreeing that 300 is egregious drivel is fairly easy. I'm relatively mellow as Iranian nationalists go, and even I found myself applauding when the government spokesman described the film as fabrication and insult. Iranians view the Achaemenid empire as a particularly noble page in their history and cannot understand why it has been singled out for such shoddy cinematic treatment, as the populace here perceives it, with the Persians in rags and its Great King practically naked. The Achaemenid kings, who built their majestic capital at Persepolis, were exceptionally munificent for their time. They wrote the world's earliest recorded human rights declaration, and were opposed to slavery. Cuneiform plates show that Persepolis was built by paid staff rather than slaves And any Iranian child who has visited Persepolis can tell you that its preserved reliefs depict court dress of velvet robes, and that if anyone was wearing rags around 500 B.C., it wasn't the Persians.

It is going to take an act of foolhardy courage to distribute that film in Iran. It will truly be 70 million against 300.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007


Someone informed me that my old blog home has been overtaken by spammers:

I told you it was getting too popular...

now I'm kinda sad I let it go, it's like seeing your child grow up to be a whore.

:( bye bye old site

Sunday, March 11, 2007

I like you

5:30 am

Drunk Navy: "I love you"
Drunk Navy: "I shouldn't have said that"
Nic: "You're just drunk"
Drunk Navy: "Yeah"
Nic: "I like you too"
Drunk Navy: "I think I need to go to sleep"
Nic: "ok"
Nic: "Navy?"
Nic: "Night navy..."