Done.

I’m done. I’m writing it here for all to see, and to remind myself that

I.

AM.

DONE.

I mean it. I don’t think I can take it anymore. I don’t like second guessing myself, and asking myself why I’m not good enough. I’ve been doing it for 7 months and you’d think that in this time frame, this fucking time frame, I would start to mean something to someone. You would think after this long that someone who tells me they care about me more than anyone, would actually try NOT to hurt me. You think they would actually see what they’ve been doing to me, realize that I actually am worth it, and prove it to me, instead of saying it over and over and not showing it. Because dammit I’ve told them they were worth it. I proved it time and time again by standing by and being patient, knowing we would both get what we wanted as soon as they realized what they wanted was me.

Well I changed my mind. You’re not worth it. Not at all.

In the beginning it was easy, it was fun, you wanted to see me all the time, anywhere just to be with me. Not anymore. It’s a rare day I spend quality time with you. In the beginning you enjoyed the same interest, hiking, movies, art. Not anymore, all you seem to want to do is drink. No more hiking, no more nice dinners, no more fun trips. In the beginning you made me smile. Not anymore. I always seem to have to walk around on tip toes. I need to be careful of what I say or discuss with you because in some way it will set you off. You shut yourself off and there’s no getting to you.

Like tonight, and New Years. FORGIVE ME for being upset that the new years YOU planned with ME, YOU suddenly decided to cancel for a trip to Vegas with friends from home. FORGIVE ME for telling you I thought it was SHITTY! That was just my NICE WAY OF PUTTING IT!!! I THINK IT’S THE MOST SELFISH, THOUGHTLESS, PIECE OF SHIT MOVE YOU COULD POSSIBLY PULL. But NOOOOOOO. Instead of all that I calmly call you and told you I thought it was shitty, and then sat there silent. So what if you heard a few sniffles… and that set you off:

“Oh what, so now you’re crying. It’s just New Years”

YES I’M CRYING! YOU’VE PUT ME THROUGH SO MUCH SHIT THAT I DO IT ON FUCKING COMMAND NOW!

“Nic you have 2 MONTHS! I don’t see what the big deal is.”

The big deal is that I wanted to spend it with you dumbass. It was the one thing I was looking forward to all year, and now you’ve ruined it, just like you ruin everything at the worst possible time. Like during finals, remember that? Yeah PERFECT TIMING. How about right before my MCATS, remember that?! EVEN BETTER! You decide to pull out your “Time to be a dick” card when I have the most shit to deal with, and think well HEY! LET ME THROW ALL OF MY SHIT RIGHT ONTO THAT FUCKING PILE!!! SHE’LL NEVER KNOW!!!!

Right when I always need you most. Right when one of your hugs can wash away the whole disaster and pull me through…

“I don’t want to deal with this right now, you’re crying.”

I TOLD YOU I WASN’T FUCKING CRYING (so what if I was) WOULD IT HURT TO TALK ME THROUGH THIS SO IT WOULDN’T BUG ME!?

But the straw that broke the camels back was Erin Cooper. GOOOOOOOD ol’ Erin Cooper. The blonde from Cali you met when you went back home the second time we broke up. The one who came here, HERE from CALI, to visit you after you had known her for 2 weeks, 2 WEEKS!!! The one psycho called and described to me perfectly because you decided to go to HIS bar to have fucking dinner with her. The one whose book she gave to you to read and YOU GAVE TO ME to read with her FUCKING INSCRIPTION in the front cover: here KP… blah blah …love Erin. The one who I just found out tonight isn’t even fucking 21 and wasn’t the reason you decided to go to Vegas (damned if I wasn’t going to be blunt and ask about it, she IS a “friend” from back home)… but that I had to understand you still see her.

UNDERSTAND YOU FUCKING STILL “SEE” HER!!!!!!!

Ohhhhhhhh I understand completely.

I’ll fucking show you understand.

Under-fucking-stood

I am done.

And just for the fucking record, you’re losing the best thing that could possibly happen to you. Amazing how so many other guys knew but you, and how I threw them all away because for some odd reason, some amazingly ridiculous reason, I thought you were worth it. Oddly enough I have… had SOME sense of loyalty to you. On all these dates with other guys, I felt guilty because I thought we had something more. I felt like I was cheating. I felt stupid and awkward. I never continued anything past a first or second date, EVEN WHEN WE WERE BROKEN UP. Obviously you never had the same conscious. i.e. Erin fucking Cooper.

Done.