The death of a blog

The blog is dead - killed suddenly in a freak hurricane that swept through the bloggosphere.

Bye bye khoshkell

Galactichero

I hate you.

you're taking my blog away from me. Stop it.

I come here to write when I can't talk to people I converse with. I do not however come here for you to patronize me.

I should just pack up for good and let this blog die.

In fact... good idea.

My response:

So I wrote him back, and sent the e mail about 4 days after his initial shocker. Most of it was spent replying back to his questions or comments, the end had a brief blurb about me and what I was up to.

I guess I was just really shocked that he wrote. I haven't checked the e mail since I've sent my reply, nor do I think about it unless one of my girl's from back home brings it up - or when I check into the blog world and see that my latest post is about the situation. I'm trying to figure out if that's healthy. How can I go from such utter shock and UGHness, to... meh? I WILL however be shocked if he does write back, and I am positive I won't respond to that one. I don't want him to be my friend - I don't even think I like him much as a person let alone know if I care about his life with the blonde... but at the same time I do care?

Ugh I am such a walking contradiction. How utterly annoying.

Anyway, it's sent, I let him know I have my life on a pretty amazing track - and congratulated him on his... house. He use to be so ambitious, he was going to travel, go into graphic design, live in san diego. I mentioned all those in the responding e mail saying it was a shame he never pulled through on all those. Maybe it was in a slightly spiteful way, one of those "Look at me, I'm everything I wanted to be - what have YOU done in 2 years" but at the same time it IS sad. He had potential, and he just ended up back in his old town a fat mortgage broker.

*shudder*

Thank god for small blessings.

The KFP/R update

Ok, now that I've calmed down a little: I know many people don't know who R and KFP are.

Thats because I never talk about them. Ever. Why don't I talk about them? Because they're old news. R was a guy I had a massive crush on and got over, over a year ago, and KFP, KFP is a long story. He's one of the main reasons I started this blog back in the day. He's pretty much the one that broke me, before him I was innocent, naive, and your perfect, baggageless, soon to be college graduate (unless you throw CPE in as baggage).

So lets back this up. I go to class one day and find this e mail:

Nic,

Wanted to see how you were doing... hopefully school is going well for you. Things here are alright, weather is wishy washy. I cannot wait until summer. I am actual looking in to getting a new job.. I need to be paid more. Also, I was thinking of places I would like to go on vacation and or people I would want to visit cause I know they are a good time and I thought of you. I would try and come with my friend M and wanted to see what you thought about it.. I do not know the date I would try and come. Alright, let me know what is new with you. I feel as though we haven't talked in a long time and to be honest, even when I saw you out that one night with J, you didn't really talk to me. : (

Take care,

R

Yeeeeeep - so that was a tiny shocker, and one I meant on blogging about - but it wasn't really a big deal. I just found it humorous that he wrote me to see if he could find a place to crash. But I was cordial and wrote back (today - he sent this 3 day ago) and said yeah whatever, bring blankets to sleep on cause i have none, and you can crash on the couch but not during school or when the roomies are here. So I gave him a 3 day non-negotiable window. End of april or bust.

Now KFP... holy shit KFP, I don't know what to say about this. This morning was not a good one, and yes I know, repression is a bitch when it all comes up. Regardless I wake up to this:

I bet you thought you never would hear from me again. Thanks for the email a while back that I never responded back to. I mean that in the best way. I never got back to you cause thats the way way I am and always have been. For me not being a hypocrite its always been easier just to cut all ties to my past when there has been anything more than friends involved. All that being said and done with I just wanted to say hi and tell you that I am alive.

I also wanted you to know that the only good times I had in D.C was after I met you. I had a blast even though I had a lot going on in my life at the time and a lot of changes came and went. Random story, but I still do have random weekends and weeks where it seems like fights find me just like when I was back there. I swear I eat up to much crap then I cant control it. Random, Random Random.

So a little about me. I am getting married to E, June 2nd this year!! Thats huge. We bought a house in [edit], my old home town (just where I want to be) in October and I got to test all my old skool construction skills. Not bad at all if you ask me. :) E graduated this december from [edit] which is nice so we dont have to continue to do the long distance thing.

My best friend decided to join the marine corp after I get out of the army. He just got back from Iraq last week and I went down south to San Diego last weekend to have a good time. I dont ever miss the Army one bit. I have never talked to [his ex] after all that stuff happened which i think is for the best since some of my lowest times was cause of her. (She is still the only girl to ever make me sad for such a long time)

This might sound wierd but I was looking through some old emails, like really old emails and I checked out one that you sent me to check out yahoo photos and it gave me full access to all your pics. I was happy to see you traveling throughout the world. Good for you. Are you Dr. [edit] yet? M looks rough, she needs to slow down and respect her body. I was tripping out on the pics of me that you still have on there.

I turned down the graphics job in S.F before I got out and linked up with my brother into the Mortgage business. I made a good living last year but this year has been rough with the way the mortgage business has been towards certain types of loans. I have a lot of stress with all my bills now. I am soon to be 27 too!!. I have gained some not so good weight but thats life for now, i was so involved with making money since I have been broke in the army for years I put my health on the back burner.

Saw that you were hashing, drinking beer out of your dirty stinky shoe. Good for you that was always a good time when I did that but it was always on a week night and i never really made any connections.

Do you ever see j, My old roomate? We had a falling out before I moved out. I saw on your my space that you still dont live in [edit]...:) remember I used to give you a hard time about that? where is [where i live] anyways?

You back being friends with your [branch of the military] friend CPE? I somehow feel bad for him for what I did to him after the years have gone by. I just hope that I was an experience for him not to be a dick to people he doesnt know cause there are people 100 million times tougher than me.

So thats about that. I hope all is well. Take care. KFP

What's with this take care business!!! I don't even know where to start, or how to explain any of this.

First the e mail he mentioned was the one I sent him a year ago. I think I might have blogged about it, I don't remember (i probably did) where I mentioned I hadn't talked to him in a year. I had been avoiding/ignoring all contact efforts made by his part... which had stopped when he left the state (i'm assuming). [update: found the blog where I mentioned writing him, clicky]

E is the blonde 19 year old he left me for. She's probably 21 by now. Nice. Legal. I'm still bitter. damn him.

And basically what I got out of this is that he saw old pictures of us, saw new pictures of the cool life I'm living and realized what he lost. I'm cute dammit, and I am VERY photogenic.

So he's getting married, and he's reminiscing, probably deleting old e mails, and comes along my shit. Oh look, cute ass Nic prancing around half nekkid in a bikini, who hasn't gained weight, sees pictures of me partying when my girls came up, and probably saw my new years pics with navy.

You see I never use my yahoo account - my friends actually use it more that I do. We all have the password and stick up pictures on it to pass around instead of the weird e mailing thing. It's easier that way. He saw my hash run picture... lemme see if I can actually upload that:

That's me on the left chugging beer out of a shoe. My best friend on the right wore new shoes to hash which is a big no no, so I violated her. Little did I know in hash rules, the violator must also drink from brand new shoe... disgusting.

Anyway, and his comment about CPE referred to a fight they got into. KFP had just got back from training, and we went to his old place of work (he moonlighted as a bouncer) to eat real quick before watching a movie. CPE knew he use to work there and I guess showed up that same night. I of course was still scared of CPE at this point, because he had stolen my dog, continuously called my phone, and refused to leave me alone. I saw him, told KFP we needed to leave, KFP went up to him to "ask him to leave" and was um... "escorted" out of his old bar. CPE didn't help the situation because he came straight for me hiding behind a big ass column, that drove KFP crazy so it took not one person to escort him out, but say... i dunno 5... with him screaming "don't fucking go near her!" and I tried to make my way out of the bar without CPE touching me. No good (sounds like a soap opera huh?).

Well idiot CPE came back 2 nights later after KFP had taken his phone number out of my phone (and i deleted it when I found out) and they... got into it. Cops came, I wasn't around thank god, and KFP came over with a tender hand telling me how he gave CPE a black eye. I dunno - it was a long story.

regardless... that's a lot of what happened while I wasn't blogging. Before and after.

So for him to come and e mail me now, after I've finally put him to rest (i think?) After I did a good job shoving all the emotion down to a place I rarely thought about it, HE DECIDES TO E MAIL ME AND TELL ME HE'S MARRYING THE LITTLE GIRL HE LEFT ME FOR?! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!

So my first reaction was shock, I saw it was from him, I did a mini freak out where I didn't read it, walked away from the computer, took a deep breath, and tried to figure out if I SHOULD read it.

Of course curiosity killed that cat.

When I read the line about him marrying that girl my heart dropped.

DROPPED.

And I remembered all the hurt I'd felt and how much he'd broken me, and how long it took for me to feel I was pretty again. How I'd dated so many annoying guys to get over him, getting sick of them each after a month. How I finally became comfortable enough with myself to realize that I didn't need to be dating these losers. How long it took me to be comfortable being alone. Happy being alone.

2 years. It took 2 years.

And with that one line, he had me remembering everything and I started bawling.

Yes bawling.

Nice huh?

I tried to call M. She's the only one of the friends I have who was there for the KFP era. B came after and T... T always hated him so there's no way I could talk to her about it. And she didn't pick up. Neither did B.

So who did I talk to? Navy - idiot me.

He told me not to write back.

I don't like that subject.

Later I got a hold of B and M who both said write back. M told me it would be closure...

I don't even know what closure is.

It's raining exes

This is got to be the worst 3 days of my life - first R writes me an e mail after not talking for over a year then

this morning

i wake up

go to the computer

and I have an e mail from non other

wait for it

KFP

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!!!

I don't have much to say on it, I guess I'll post it up later... he's marrying the girl he left me for... god I don't know I guess I'm kinda still in shock.

I've suppressed almost every emotion i had toward that situation, it's not the man I miss, its the feeling, and now he reminds me of how much it fucking hurts. fuck him.

I WILL eventually write him back, I know myself... but damn... damn damn damn, what the hell is going on.

Cool

Apparently my blog has become cool enough to stick onto some weird fantasy blog stock market

Clicky

If anyone from back home finds me again... I'm going to scream.

(p.s. its says I'm worth 1,000.00... cool)

Interesting

I haven't seen the movie, so I can't comment

http://www.time.com/time/world/article/0,8599,1598886,00.html?cnn=yes

All of Tehran was outraged. Everywhere I went yesterday, the talk vibrated with indignation over the film 300 — a movie no one in Iran has seen but everyone seems to know about since it became a major box office surprise in the U.S. As I stood in line for a full hour to buy ajeel, a mixture of dried fruits and nuts traditional to the start of Persian new year festivities, I felt the entire queue, composed of housewives with pet dogs, teenagers, and clerks from a nearby ministry, shake with fury. I hadn't even heard of the film until that morning when a screed about it came on the radio, so I was able to nod darkly with the rest of the shoppers, savoring a moment of public accord so rare in Tehran. Everywhere else I went, from the dentist to the flower shop, Iranians buzzed with resentment at the film's depictions of Persians, adamant that the movie was secretly funded by the U.S. government to prepare Americans for going to war against Iran. "Otherwise why now, if not to turn their people against us?" demanded an elderly lady buying tuberoses. "Yes, truly it is a grave offense," I said, shaking my own bunch of irises.

I returned home to discover my family in a similar state of pique. My sister-in-law sat behind her laptop, sending off an e-mail petition against the film to half of Tehran, while my husband leafed through a book on the Achaemenid Empire, noting that Herodotus had estimated the Persian army at 120,000 men, not one million as the film claimed. The morning newspaper lay on the table with the headline "300

AGAINST 70 MILLION!" (the population of the country). It was echoed by the evening news: "Hollywood has opened a new front in the war against Iran."

The timing of the computer-generated film, which depicts the ancient confrontation of Sparta and the Persian empire at the Battle of Thermopylae, is certainly inauspicious. It falls on the eve of Norouz, Persian new year, a time when Iranians typically gather in proud celebration, observing rites that date back over 3,000 years, way before Islam, to the age of Zoroastrianism, when their ancient land produced the world's first monotheistic religion. It is not a particularly welcome season to be portrayed as pillaging, deranged savages. Since the entire country will be on two weeks of official holiday, there will be no shortage of time to sit about discussing the slight and what it portends for Iran's current confrontation with the United States. For a people prone to conspiracy logic, the box office success of 300, compared with the relative flop of Alexander (another spurious period epic dealing with Persians) is cause for considerable alarm, signaling ominous U.S. intentions.

While the hullabaloo over 300 may dampen Iranians' holiday spirits, it offers common cause between people and their estranged government. Top officials and parliament have scorned the film as though it were a matter of state, and for the first time in a long while, taxi drivers are shaking their fists in agreement when the state news comes on. Agreeing that 300 is egregious drivel is fairly easy. I'm relatively mellow as Iranian nationalists go, and even I found myself applauding when the government spokesman described the film as fabrication and insult. Iranians view the Achaemenid empire as a particularly noble page in their history and cannot understand why it has been singled out for such shoddy cinematic treatment, as the populace here perceives it, with the Persians in rags and its Great King practically naked. The Achaemenid kings, who built their majestic capital at Persepolis, were exceptionally munificent for their time. They wrote the world's earliest recorded human rights declaration, and were opposed to slavery. Cuneiform plates show that Persepolis was built by paid staff rather than slaves And any Iranian child who has visited Persepolis can tell you that its preserved reliefs depict court dress of velvet robes, and that if anyone was wearing rags around 500 B.C., it wasn't the Persians.

It is going to take an act of foolhardy courage to distribute that film in Iran. It will truly be 70 million against 300.

Spammers

Someone informed me that my old blog home has been overtaken by spammers:

http://therealnic.blogspot.com

I told you it was getting too popular...

now I'm kinda sad I let it go, it's like seeing your child grow up to be a whore.

:( bye bye old site

I like you

5:30 am

Drunk Navy: "I love you"
*silence*
Drunk Navy: "I shouldn't have said that"
Nic: "You're just drunk"
Drunk Navy: "Yeah"
Nic: "I like you too"
Drunk Navy: "I think I need to go to sleep"
Nic: "ok"
*silence*
Nic: "Navy?"
*silence*
Nic: "Night navy..."
*click*

47 days

I think I've taken too many of my herbal brain stimulators.

I'm sitting here typing up CNS trying to get path out of the way, so I can make my way into the world of EKG's and OBGYN for my ICM quiz on monday.

I think I'm more focused now. I am still numb about the weird phone calls. Apparently a silver SUV came by our house again last night, pulled into the driveway, honked, and left... I however was out eating dinner with a friend from back home and people who were visiting her here. So I am just pretending it didn't happen. All this has really done to me is cause me to be more afraid of the dark (like walking to my car parked in the garage alone) and cause distress before quizzes.

I have tests coming up, so I hope this gets fixed.

What can I procrastinate with by telling you about?

I haven't talked to TB since the weird girlfriend incident. Actually, I haven't even thought about him since then. Funny.

Thing with navy are... hmmm. I've convinced myself it's not going anywhere. This all stems from a nice little convo I had with him when he drunk dialed me:
Navy: "What do you think will happen with us when you get home?"
Nic: "I don't know"
Navy: "You shouldn't be answering like that by now, you should know"
Nic: "It's complicated"
Navy: "Why?"
*silence*
Navy: "Tell me"
*silence*
Navy: "Are you seeing someone on the island?"
Nic: "WHAT?!"
Navy:"Then what?"
Nic: "It's just stuff I want to talk about when I come home, after I figure out if we actually feel like this when we're around each other"
Navy: "Spill"
Nic: "It's just that, there's a future to think about. I'm in GRAD SCHOOL, you're a freshman in college credit wise. I understand you've been working, but even if you went to school full time you wouldn't be graduated in two years and how could I introduce you to my parents? You're military, no college degree, and only have a promise that you want to make it big as an entrepreneur."
Navy: "So you're telling me that my future plans and education is going to affect if you date me?"
*silence*
Navy: "Would that make a difference?"
Nic: "I don't know"
*silence*
Nic: "Does that bother you?"
Navy: "Kinda"
Nic: "You have to understand, it's a cultural thing"
Navy: "What if I told you I knew all I'd only be getting is my associates, that I know that I would be a success without a college degree?"
Nic: "Let me tell you a story, psycho was/is going to be a politician. He was/is going to be a success. He was in college when I started dating him, but he was an idiot and didn't register for his class properly, so he just stopped going. He didn't come from a good family, his mother is a drunk, and his father beat him or something - he definitely fucked him up. He was the first in his family to stand on his own and he was SURE, he is SURE he's going to be someone. He told me that FOUR years ago before I committed to him, and look where he is now? Reenlisted in the military and psychotic."
Navy: "don't compare me to him"
Nic: "And what's the point of an associates you might as well not even get a degree"
Navy: "I don't want to talk about this anymore"
Nic: "You brought it up"
Navy: "We'll figure this out when you get home"
Nic: "We have to"
Navy: "I just base how I feel about someone on them as a person, not them on paper."
Nic: "Yeah, I use to be like that to"

He passed out a couple minutes later with me on the phone... so that little tingly feeling with him is kinda... i dunno. When I'm around I can't wait to get him on the phone, and then when he's there I have nothing to say to him. I guess the education thing really does matter to me. But I shouldn't even really be caring if I don't know how I really feel right?

48 days

I'm currently sitting at the little cafe on campus waiting for the dean of students. Today we're going to the police station - the whole stalker thing has gotten out of hand.

Yeah I freaked out the first day, and maybe even the second time it happened... but now it's become to casual - not to mention there was a car I didn't know sitting outside my house monday night honking for about an hour each time on two different occasions.

So last night a friend came over, and they concluded that the asshat calls me whenever he thinks I'm alone, or atleast does the drive by. Then one of my roommate's left and the second she did my friend's phone rang from a withheld number. She didn't pick up and the message seemed to be from a local. It scared them, me? Not so much. People call wrong numbers all the time right? Besides, asshat's voice has an american accent, NOT antiguan.

So they continue to freak themselves out hardcore while we should be studying EKG's, and finally they get me to call the neighbor boys to come over. I call and ask one of them to just come over and study with us. He said ok.

The second they knew he was coming, their fear was heightened, the lights went off, and they sat by the window looking for him. I went into the kitchen to make sandwiches - he came about 15 minutes later, and they filled me in.

Somewhere between him showing up and them freaking out, I too got sucked in. I was sitting in the kitchen making sandwiches when I thought I heard something in the back yard. So I freak out a little and jump into the dining room where I could see them talking about asshat. Then I realize I'm being dumb, go back in the kitchen and listen again - and AGAIN I hear something in the back yard. So to prevent myself from going crazy I go back and intend on asking them to come into the kitchen with me so I'm not alone. Mid sentence the door to my roommate's room opens (the one that had left an hour before) and I just yelp omg, run towards them with what I am told later "the most horrible facial expression" and proceed to hyperventilate, then cry, then laugh, then cry some more, then shake a little more... and then laugh - hysterically.

The guy that was over checked it out and said no one was there - it was a gust of wind.

A GUST OF FUCKING WIND - THAT BLEW OPEN THE DOOR I WAS RIGHT NEXT TO AND OPENED IT (it was completely shut) AT THE PERFECT TIME.

Oh that's nice. I never cry or do any of that bullshit, and in front of 3 people I had a nice little break down. PERFECT.

So I said fuck it, and I called the dean of students, and now we're going to the police station.

Asshat also called me last night at 4 in the morning.
I hate him.

3:48 AM
RING RING
me: "hello?"
asshat:"hello?"
me realizing it's him, with a withheld number
me slamming the hang up button
me realizing i clicked the hang up button too many times, and that i'd erased the evidence.
me freaked out till about 5 AM

me waking up around 7:45 late, slept through 2 alarms, and now here, waiting, to go to the freakin police station... and find out who this MFer is.

I hate you asshat

56 days

Last night some tard called my phone at 1 in the morning with a withheld number. I usually don't pick those up because I'm scared it's GM, but in my half groggy state I picked up. Some guy was blabbing about something I didn't understand, and I said that I think he had the wrong number. Then he asked who I was, which I told him (idiot!) and said this is antigua right? and i said yes (still half asleep) and then he asked me how much it would cost him to get a blow job.

omg

i hung up

and then he proceeded to call me every 2 minutes until i turned my phone off.

I sat in my bed shaking for awhile after I turned my phone off (that was around 2) and then I finally called my roommate to come into my room to talk for a little. I was seriously scared. I've had 2 stalkers before this. One in high school, one in college. I knew the kid in high school, and he would drive by my house all the time. I was never really scared in that situation. But I DID NOT know the guy in college, and he definitely tried to contact me a lot, as well as met me one morning before my 7AM class to - well I don't know what he was planning on doing, I ran.

Granted the guy didn't have an accent like GM's it was more... nerdy, sounded more like an american accent, but that can only mean some freak from school got my number and called me. I am FREAKING THE FUCK OUT.

Now had it happened once, I would have assumed it was a prank call. But the asshole kept calling me, so it has to be personal.

Now I'm really scared.

I am not kidding, I mean it, scared, I didn't go to classes today.

So I'm sitting home, alone, waiting for the roommates to come back so I can take a shower... and I am

freaking

out.

freaking out!!!

I want home :(

Random thought

My friend stuck her baby on some type of baby idol thingie back home. She asked us to vote for him. My first thought was, DAMN, she has an ugly baby, but as I was just going through this site I thought:

DAMN!!!

There are a LOT of ugly babies out there.

*shiver*

...

*knock on wood*

Mental Note:

No this has absolutely nothing to do with recent posts, but I have decided the first man to buy me this wins my heart. haha, jk.

I found it while browsing for watches with navy last night. I'd first seen it on TV on some reality show and fell in love. I'd looked for it then to figure out who made it but low and behold, I found it on the Harry Winston site.

God it's gorgeous. This would be the only reason I'd ever decide to get married... that and passing on my genetic information :). I'd have cute babies, I'm sure of it.

Antigua got hit by an earthquake

Is it weird that I heard it before I felt it?

http://www.emsc-csem.org/index.php?page=current⊂=detail&id=39896

Shit.

Said through AIM convo:

"Navy's cell": I think im falling in love with you

Nic: me too...

I know it's not possible, I know it's in my head - and I am fully aware this weird little feeling that keeps building might just go away when we see each other again.

But I don't know if I should fight it... or move along with it.

59 days and I guess I'll get my answer.

60 days

Well today was pretty eventful. Yesterday started of annoyingly by the start of my period.

Yes boys and girls, that meant emotional nic day :).

Ok so lets see, to start if off, last night there was a nice little shooting right outside my house. Yes yes, that was amazing. Woke me up nice and early at 3 am. Apparently the shots had been going off before. 1 shot woke me up "pop"... and then about 5 minutes later it was followed by a "pop pop."

What was my first instinct on that first shot? Did I grab my cell phone and call a neighbor? Did I check all the doors? No no, I wrap my blanket around me (i sleep naked) and run to my roomie's room to see if she was ok (this was RIGHT outside my window, and i don't live where there are a lot of houses) then grab my vonage phone and call navy.

I called navy.

Why? I dunno, but I did.

He didn't pick up.

Then what do I do when I for gain consciousness in the morning?

I call navy.

Incoherent.

Sleepy.

Groggy.

Ugh!!!

Anyway, TB also decided to contact me today. Remember when I told you he wrote me to tell me he had a new girlfriend? Ok well skype has this habit of saving your unsent messages and sending them later when both parties are online. So mid convo my internet cut out, and about 2 weeks ago sent my reply to some question he asked me about -- i don't even remember what it was about actually.

I guess said girlfriend was sitting behind the computer.

She feels threatened by me or something, and go mad at TB for talking to me. Not exactly sure why, but he IMs me today to tell me about it and to apologize for not talking to me for awhile. Then mentions his girlfriend not liking that we talk and somehow I got the impression he was saying we couldn't talk anymore. I of course get annoyed, and say fine, nice knowing you. He realized how his little request came out and started backtracking a little - but i dunno, i was annoyed. Insert hormones here.

Now, navy and I have a weird relationship. I've grown very attached to him, and stuff I would normally keep to myself I usually say to him. In my annoyed state, the first thing I did was IM navy and say "you'll never guess what happened"

Then in the middle of telling him my annoyance, I realize - hey. WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING. And start to freak myself out.

Nic does not being attached to boys.

So I decided to scare him away. Yes, yes I did. Hormones are a bitch.

Because he'd thrown the "what are we" line at me earlier (did I ever mention this? I told him I would answer him when I got home...) I threw it back. I mentioned how I didn't think we had a future. I told him I was 24 and wanted to get married (LOL!). I told him he wasn't stable - blah blah blah.

To which he laughed...

LAUGHED

and said "Nic, I know you better than you think, stop trying to freak me out."

...

Damn him.


He told me I didn't want to get married, that I should make decisions about my future without coming home first, and that no matter what I said the distance didn't bother him and that I was stuck with him.

Then I reminded him we weren't in a relationship - and he laughed.

So I made a mental note to try and not talk to him as much. He's out right now for his farewell weekend with his buddies where he's stationed before he's moved to DC. Just before he went out I got a "kiss" goodbye on webcam and it gave me butterflies.

Is this possible? I MET THIS GUY ONCE!

I need to work harder on my freaking out abilities... I'm losing my mojo.

61 days

I had a long post planned, but I feel that this image speaks louder than my typed words.

If you know, you know... If you don't

google it :)

BBC

Sometimes this video made me happy, sometimes it made me upset, and sometimes it made me sad... Overall it made me want to visit tehran

Click to watch

69 days

Navy's package came:

HOW CUTE!!!

He got me a polar bear because I complain so much about missing all the snow near my home, and cheddar chex mix because antiguans don't know how amazing it is. He also sent a very sappy card that actually made me smile. Anyway, I took a picture to post (yes that is my bed) and made up a stupid little story about the polar bear stealing my chex mix that made me laugh...

shut up, I have a test tomorrow - procrastination is key

:)

70 days

Today was valentines day... thankfully very uneventful in the world of unwanted men :)

Before I start I wanted to say I thankfully didn't fail my ICM exam. Though it caught me offguard, I still scored above the average. I was hoping it would scare me... it's ok, I have to focus on path on friday.

In other news, as AMSA president today marked the big day for my first fundraiser. I put together a little valentine's gram thing at our school labeled "I have a Ting for you."

Ting is the Caribbean's version of sprite, but instead of lemon lime it uses grapefruit juice.

We send someone an anonymous gram from you, but without knowing who it's from. They in turn can figure out it's you buy paying us additional moolah (unless you dish out more money to make us make it anonymous).

I did it for the Sunshine home for girls, a little orphanage on the island with 12 little girls that have no parents - unfortunately in an effort to keep from doing all the work myself I teamed up with the MED4 class (in hopes to raise money for our banquet)...

yeah they didn't do shit.

I wrote this to tell you of all the things that went wrong, how the MED4 VP got in my face after I called her out on doing bullshit, and how things seemed dim until the very end... but I don't really feel like it.

How about I tell you I made $3500 dollars for these little girls so far, with the money still rolling in. How about I tell you that unlike many others on this island, I busted my ass for 12 children who don't know who I am and got them something in 2 weeks that they've needed for years. I won't be getting recognized, I won't be seeing the money, but I hope to see the effect it has on their lives.

As much as it sounds like a line, every time shit would hit the fan and stress me out, I'd mutter to myself "All I want to do is help the little orphans!" That would make me laugh enough to finish up what needed to be done. Be it searching the island for Ting (they for some odd reason stop making it stupid fucks), organizing lists of 400 people, or staying up till 2 AM making the stupid ting.

Hopefully everyone had an amazing valentines day - navy apparently sent me something but I think the island ate it like it eats everything else. And thankfully, no flowers from LSAT.

I'm out!
nic

71 days

Since the CPE saga seems to be continuing, I've decided to show you all our little e mail convo (cut and paste from beginning to end):

CPE:

Nic,
Do you know this girl? deleted URL

She is Persian and from (edit, my home town). I was at a school retreat with my girlfriend last weekend, and she was on my jock all night. Wouldn't leave me alone! Just curious if you knew her... ttyl.

-CPE

p.s. who's your valentine this year?

Nic:

ew, no - did she mention knowing me?

she seems like she'd be your type though

looks like you liked it: (insert URL of them together)

CPE:

Ewwww...what type is that?

That picture is typical. I was randomly asked to pose. I have standards...

*sigh*

Nic:

if she was on your jock, and your girlfriend was there, why did you accept her facebook invitation?

CPE:

Argghhh...because I wanted to see who she was! You can't look at her profile unless you accept the invitation

Nic:

i could see her profile just fine

CPE:

Hmmmm...I don’t like the way face book is setup. Anyhow, I had all 4 wisdom teeth yanked out last week. I should be getting promoted on March 1. I am moving up in the world...

How is school?

This is your last semester before Miami right?

Nic:

was sending me a picture of some girl that "was all up on your jank" some kind of weird way of getting me to talk to you?

CPE:

NO. I thought it was bizarre that a Persian chick from (edit, where I live) of all places was harassing me. I was curious to know if you knew her. I survive w/ out talking to you easily. You think I have some twisted motive of talking to you. I don't. Talking to you is like talking to one of my boys. You’re a friend. That's it. Chill out Colombo!

What did your guy get you for Valentines day?

...I haven't responded.

Is it bad I find this amusing? He needs to see a shrink.

tomorrow is the dreaded V day... lord help me.

72 days

I come back after failing my ICM exam (miserably might I add) and getting one of my worst grades on my pharm exam (2/5 questions right) to this VERY annoying e mail:

Nic,

Do you know this girl? deleted URL

She is Persian and from (edit, my home town). I was at a school retreat with my girlfriend last weekend, and she was on my jock all night. Wouldn't leave me alone! Just curious if you knew her... ttyl.

-CPE

p.s. who's your valentine this year?

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!!! I TELL YOU TO LEAVE ME ALONE AND AFTER IGNORING YOUR CALLS FOR A WEEK YOU SEND ME A NASTY GIRL THAT YOU PROBABLY FUCKED?!

disgusting.

So I went to her facebook page and found a couple of shots of them together, and replied to his little e mail saying she seemed like his type, stuck in the pictures, and added that he probably liked it.

annoying.

shoot me

Icon!

I made a little icon for my blog!!! How cool is that?!

Iconart is awesome...

now if you bookmark me you'll see my legs tanning by the caribbean sea :)

76 days

There comes a time in every woman's life where she admits:

I want a baby

Not now of course, but the hospital rounds this morning landed us in the neonatal unit. We were doing the usual - standing in the corner - listening to the doctor preach - while the uncomfortable patient feels like 7 students are staring at her - bit *breath*, when it happened.

I looked at the patients belly, all round and bloated, and wanted a baby.

Then I freaked out.
Yes.
Yes I did.

It didn't help that a few seconds later when the doctor checked for her baby's heart beat - and we finally heard it - I got all teary eyed.

I am a freak.

I got to feel the next patients belly though. SOOOOOOOOO COOL

A friend came and sat next to me and I got distracted... I forgot where I was going with this. whoops - short blog, sorry

77 days

Meh, maybe I'm the bipolar one...

The "heat" I felt with navy seems to be sizzling out on my end, where as on his it seems to be growing. I still like speaking to him, but the NEED seems to be gone now, he just seems like habit. I dunno. I hope I don't hurt him when I come home. I keep telling him I'll only be home for a couple days if I don't go to b'more... he says he doesn't care. What if I do?

LSAT study buddy has asked B how to send me flowers here. Shit. I haven't really spoken to him all that much since that little myspace breaking heart weird e mail shit.

Backing up.

B IMs me and tells me someone wants to send me flowers - and refused to tell me because she said it was funny. I asked if it was her, my mom, the other 2 in our group, cynically asked if it was CPE ("DO YOU THINK I WOULD SPEAK TO CPE?!"), I even asked if it was navy (which meant she grilled me about what was going on... which I craftily dodged masterfully). Finally after LSAT randomly IMed me and we spoke for awhile (where he mentioned we're going to a nice dinner when I go home) I guessed him, and she finally told me.

I asked her if she really thought helping him was a good idea.

...she masterfully dodged that question the little toad.

I don't want LSAT to buy me flowers!!! WHY IS VALENTINES DAY SO FREAKING ANNOYING!!!

I want a hole, I'm going to climb into it, put a rock over it, and run away from any man that attempts to be nice to me. I don't want you to be nice.

ok ok, a teddy bear WOULD be cute... but not if you want to actually date me. GAH!

...valentines day should be a day for friends NOT lovers.

P.S. Please take this moment to review what happened to me LAST Valentines day. I am cursed.

Don't judge us

Based on the actions of others...


Though there are some that believe this is the way to greatness, never group a culture according to their religion - or judge their intent due to the misinterpretation of the majority's religion.

Some of us believe that He works in other ways..

81 days

Yesterday I gave my first abdominal exam.

*breathe*

AAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

:)

Because we're not allowed to touch patients yet, our ICM professors pay patients with chronic (long term) illnesses come in and have us practice on them. I took my first history on a woman who had suffered from breast cancer. She was sweet, and I scared her senseless telling her to make sure she checked herself monthly because the lump can come back. They're very patient with us, and tend to know more about the process than we do.

"What is your present complaint?"
"You're supposed to tell me your name first"
"Hello, my name is Nic, what brings you here to see us today?"
"You're supposed to ask my name next."

highly annoying... because later we'll have nurses doing that kind of stuff for us. Anyway, I've seen patients so far with Grave's disease (with their massive bulging eyeballs), breast cancer, and hydrocephali (half of her face was paralyzed). I had the pleasure of giving the girl with hydrocephali an exam.

What sucked was that she had massive abdominal (stomach) scars, and I couldn't really feel around like I was supposed to. I also got in trouble for not cutting my nails... bah.

It was awkward, but cool at the same time. She was very patient with us, but at the very same time really shy. I'm sure 12 medical students asking you a million questions and hovering over you isn't too reassuring.

Anyway - that was exciting. I also learned how to take a proper blood pressure reading. I'll never be able to figure out diastolic readings... gah! Practice makes perfect no?

...I'm going to go and attack my roommate's arm. Let's see how her BP reads :)

_*_*_*_*Later in the day*_*_*_*_

-roomie had low BP btw, I thought I was doing something wrong, damn her.



in other news:

Is it normal for a person to become so infatuated with someone she's met only once, and knows she has no future with?

navy sucks dude, I'm doomed.

Does this mean I have dependency issues? That i need male attention? WHAT GIVES!!! I AM A BITCH TO MEN DAMMIT, WHAT IS WITH ALL THIS EMOTION!!!?!?!?!

... I haven't stopped thinking about him all day. He sends me little text messages from his phone letting me know he's thinking about me.

We both agree this weird talking on the phone thing is FREAKISH but because we both admit it, it's ok. We both admit the fact that we didn't think we would see each other again after new years (I think I mentioned before that I kissed him and cuddled). We both have no idea how we became "close" in such a short time span...

EW DUDE, I DON'T LIKE THIS SHIT.

I think it might have something to do with the fact that he's no where near me, and I usually get annoyed with people who pay too much attention to me in the beginning. This is kinda like the J situation right before I left for school. It also helps that he's not totally into me from the looks aspect and due to distance has been forced to become attracted to me intellectually.

I hate guys that know nothing about and rave about how much they like me. Kiss my ass.

Regardless I still don't think it's going to go anywhere, I'm absolutely sure of it. He's young. He's going to change. AND the age thing really bothers me. I guess a year is ok, but 2.5 is kinda much. (i just killed a mosquito - little shit) Plus he's in the military, which I hate and though he is very ambitious, he hasn't finished college or started any plans for after he gets out of the military.

Why am I talking about this as if it's a possibility?

I have been semi flirting with a guy one semester above me who is currently in b'more on clinical rotations. He's not that attractive, not that tall, but he's really cool. I dunno... hot attractive navy vs. nice sweet medy.

medy is also shy. Who knows.

oh yeah, real quick - the mosquito issue is getting out of hand. I swapped at one earlier today while reading for my ICM quiz monday, and the fatass was so full of my blood (MY BLOOD) that when my hand barely hit her, her engorged belly flew down into my book and SPLAT blood all over it. I'm not kidding, the mid air impact left a star shaped blood streak on my hand AND book, and I didn't even make full contact with her. I couldn't wipe the blood off my book... I am highly annoyed... there's a big red mark in the GI hemorrhage section (how quaint).

Stupid mosquitoes... go away

83 days

Someone another mosquito found its way into my room, got under my shirt, and bit the lower medial portion of my right breast. THAT PIECE OF SHIT! IT ITCHES!

Mr. nasty mosquito doesn't know he's going to die soon.

I'm sitting here, in a fetal position, sitting on a white sheet with a can full of aerosolic BOP spray waiting for the pervert to try to suck me again. OOOOOO he's gonna get it!

In other news, CPE is a bipolar FREAK. Here is a run down (edited to delete names and put in order) of the last batch of e mails he's sent me. He's started up the calling/IMing/e mailing nonesense bit again. He wants attention, I'm too stressed out to deal with him sooooo for your enjoyment, a day in the life of nic/cpe (p.s. he's sent more since this... annoying)

CPE: What do you want to be?

Nic: we've gone over this so many times, i get the feeling you're not listenting to me

CPE: I do listen to you...You mentioned peds

Nic: (one day without answering back to his e mail)

CPE: Were on the verge of war with Iran...

Nic: but we've always known that

i told you that 5 years ago

CPE:
Why is it so hard to talk to you. I'm trying to be friendly, and everything is a smartass remark. What goes it? You get off by trying to correct me and show that you are smarter than I. Just be chill.

So what's new?

Nic:
why? I mean seriously CPE, WHY

you claim you want to be my friend but you get a new girlfriend and turn into a smart ass. Then you find me on aim when you and your girl are having troubles asking for my advice - which i give. You make a big deal about contacting me on xmas and my birthday - but then I realize you're just lonely because your girl isn't in town. Now you want to talk and "be friends" again.

let me guess - things are rocky with the girlfriend.

my friends put me first CPE. They don't call me names or throw my past in my face. They're there for me in good times and bad - and are generally there for me even if i do things they don't like.

you just want attention, and i'm sorry, but i'm not your fallback person. If you want to be my "friend" prove it. I'm sick of giving you any more chances - you are bipolar. You get upset at me for stupid reasons - most of them being that I didn't want to get back together with you or that I was dating a guy when you wanted me to pay attention to you. What happened when I needed someone? When I was going through a hard time? When I needed a shoulder? --- oh I know, you acted like your usual self.

I think you've done enough.

I will always be here for you when you hit hard times, don't get me wrong, I care very much for you - but don't insult my intelligence by telling me you want to just "be friends."

CPE doesn't know how to have friends.

Hope you're have a great day
Nic

p.s. don't bullshit me with the "fair enough" or the "nobody said i was perfect" or the "everyone makes mistakes" response. I've heard that bullshit enough too.


CPE:
Wow.

I didn't expect to get that kind of response from you.

Let me clear a few things up. Things are great between my girlfriend and I. Period. I have an awesome girlfriend.

Next, I understand your point of view. I have been selfish and a bit of an ass on a variety of occasions. And you are right! I have very few friends in my life that I care for. Saying that, I have no hidden motives in trying to befriend you! I just want to be friends. If that is a source for your frustration, I'm sorry about that. And speaking of your friends, deep down you should know that I would always be here for you if you needed someone.

Now, when I contacted you that one night about some issues I had, I did so because I trust your judgment, I respect what your opinions and considering the content of the conversation, I considered you a subject matter expert.

I wish the best for you and I hope your relationship(s) are going as you had hoped.

Relax!

I ignored him, and he's continued to call/IM/e mail me atleast 6-7 times a day since. He either sends me a foward making fun of germany (he still thinks I'm dating TB) or IMs me saying hi, and then doesn't say a word.

BI FUCKING POLAR

OH! And TB called me... he wanted to inform me he has a new girlfriend, and asked who navy was. That was pretty weird. I haven't spoken to him since the before the winter break. I guess he'd gone to my myspace and seen a new guy popping in and out. OOOO BOOOOY. Anyway, I didn't ask any questions about his new girl while he was grilling me on Navy, I wasn't jealous but I did get a little ping in my heart when he told me he'd met her. Infatuation is a bitch, I really thought I cared about him.
He asked if I was still coming to see him in Germany, I joked that I'd have to ask his girlfriend first - he replied "she won't be around then." I may go... when I have time... WITH SOMEONE. That would be very awkward. I'd definitely sleep with him if I were alone and drunk... just cause I'd be in Germany and that would be cool. Must prevent self from using poor defenseless men... stop stop stop...

The mosquito disappeared. I guess sucking on my breast filled the little pervert up. IT STILL ITCHES DAMMIT.

p.s. my path test went ok today, I knew a lot more than I thought I did, last minute cramming did me well. We'll see when I get my grades.

84 days

I THINK SOMEONE I KNOW FOUND ME.

I'm sure you're all wondering why I changed the link to my blog... yes well, I think somehow someone I knew found me.

Sitemeter showed that someone found my Iran essay interesting enough to post on some london craigslist rants and raves forum. I couldn't find the actual post but regardless... they posted it (update, I found it: clicky). This in turn brought about 400 people to my page, one being from my home town, who view the page for an unnervingly long time, and revisited the page on 3 different occasions. I know you're thinking it's probably a very large town, yadda yadda, NO. We all know each other, it's a tight knit community, and all things point to EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

HOLY SHIT, WAY TOO CLOSE TO HOME.

Now i have to re figure the comments thingie (update: done), and make a new site meter, and DAMMIT! ERRRRRRRG

I have a pathology test tomorrow on lung, head & neck, and breast. The teacher just finished breast today - that's about 200 pages of reading in robbins, plus pictures. SHOOT ME.

I have more to say but thinking of my exam is freaking me out, also... a very annoying mosquito keeps biting me and I'm on high alert so I can kill that sucker. Distractions distractions...

I'm so going to kill it. (update: I still haven't killed it)
(update #2: mission accomplished, mosquito killed 6:00pm - and i think its little sucker is stuck in me, it itches like a bitch!!! - all the micro involved in this is starting to freak me out)
nic out

Believe me now?

You didn't believe me, but how about Ted Koppel?



main thing I didn't like though was how he called the current leader of Iran the "Shah" for the past 25 years.

That fucker isn't the King, our KING is in hiding.

Also - National Geographic listed Iran's independence day right around when the religious extremists took over. The persians in america and going crazy over it... writing petitions and etc. I'll try to go through me e mail and get the full scope.

Till then - watch the video... listen carefully to when he talks about helping overthrow the shah, the support of saddam, and how Iranians must view Americans after all this.

Another war is brewing ladies and gents... brace yourselves.

Mine

It constantly amazes me what catches people's attention on the net. I've been writing this blog consistently for over a year now, even though I started it broken more than 2 years past. I've written about loving, heart breaking, playing, bitching and moaning. I've shown how I've grown from a child with no direction to a medical student finishing her second year of school soon to start her clinicals. I've shown my opinions, things I've found amusing, things that capture my attention. I've shown I'm not perfect, and how I cope with the confusion of being a child in an adult's body...

And what's the one thing that most people are attracted to on my site above all things?

Sex and violence.

My page had over 700 view's from around the world when I stuck up the UCLA taser incident. When I laughed about the "Indian's having small penii" BBC article, again - hits from all over the world. I mention phone sex on MY blog, MY diary - and G who hasn't left a comment in over 3 weeks takes time to make his presence known. "Why would people want to read this?"

But when I write anything about my opinions, my thoughts, anything - no those aren't interesting. Who cares about how I feel about Iran, who cares about what went through my head before I had direction in life?

I don't mean this rant towards those I have somehow "befriended" in the blog world. Those that have a vague feeling of who I am and in some sense understand why I think a freshly dissected heart looks beautiful. It's those that stalk the internet that... skeeve me out.

Why search the net for sex and violence? Why does that attract people so much? Because it's taboo?

Why are these 14 year olds putting pictures of themselves up holding a camera to a foggy bathroom mirror in their bra's and panties on myspace? Why was I able to find over 200 video's of "girl fight" on myspace? Why does it scare the crap out of me that my little sister is now legal, and wants to go clubbing back home without me? -- oh I know, because everyone is only interested in sex and violence, and her innocence can so easily be taken away from her.

At one point in time I kinda cared who read this. I wanted feed back. I wanted people to see my initial hurt 2 years ago when the man I thought I loved broke my heart. I wanted support when I left home and put up my feelings on the internet. But then I realized this blog was more about me. I come on here and try to re-read my blogs, to see how I've changed. It's STILL hard to read how KFP eff'd me up - I honestly can't even read through one WHOLE blog because I feel sick at how stupid I was.

So in response to you G, why would I put this up for people to read?

Because that's what a blog is. A public diary. I choose to keep my identity to myself, but you're right - it would be very easy to figure out who I am.

But then again - this blog doesn't have that much sex OR violence, I'm not too sure many people would care about the actual person that writes it.

89 days

We have hit the 80's. :)

Today my path teacher scared the crap out of us talking about the upcoming world cricket match being held here in good ol' antigua. The government has decided it's going to implement a temporary sales tax of 17% for 3 months. Shocker, that'll be right when all the tourists start coming. They're estimating over 50,000 people planning to attend 8 sets of matches. The population of Antigua is currently 79,000.

I hope the island doesn't sink.

So he advised us to stock up on gas, food, etc etc etc. They're even planning tests around the 10 day period where games are going to be the worst. He advised girls to get guyfriends to sleep over in case there were robbings, and asked us please please please not to go into town.

All that talk freaked me out just a little... but I kinda still want tickets to see the world cricket match.

I'll never have that opportunity again y'know?

94 days

I went to the hospital today, to witness my first autopsy. It's horrible how detached I am from viewing a person as a person once they're opened up. It's also horrible how cool I thought the man looked all fresh vs. the cadavers we initially learned from. Ok ok sorry, let me back up.

47 year old man, sudden death, no history of illness, chronic alcohol abuse, unkempt appearance, drug use suspected. He was found face first in his living room by his niece holding his morning "spirit."

A family witness and police officer sat across from the pathologist who asked them each a series of questions like: how did you find him, any froth around his lips, any vomit noticed, does he have a history of disease, etc.

After questioning they took them into the room to identify the body. The rasta man's niece was surprisingly calm, identifying him and leaving with the rest of the family.

Then they cut off his clothes. I know it's horrible but I looked... the man had a MASSIVE penis. I tried not to stare, I swear. HUGE.

They went through the autopsy while another pathologist grilled us with questions. The I kept getting distracted by the autopsy... I wanted to cut. Is that weird?

She kept showing us body parts and I was giddy. I loved the heart the most, it was beautiful. The muscles and papillary fibers were perfect, a reminder of how fragile we really are. His lungs were horrible. Probably due to smoking and the such. Signs of emphysema were present... what a waste of an amazing organ. I saw his brain, more fluid than our "fixed" brains in anatomy. She cut into it and I saw the grey and white matter, I saw the adrenals, kidney, liver looking like they were covered with gloss... god I'm going crazy thinking about it.

I asked them if I could just come back and sit there while they cut and study - she laughed and said it would be fine. I don't know when I'll be able to do it, I have lab's in the morning when they do these, but dammit if I'm not going to try.

Too bad foreign medical grads have a slim to nothing chance of going into cardiology. That heart was amazing... *breathe*

95 days

2 days ago i had the sudden urge to fix my vonage phone.

A bobby pin, butter knife, nail polish, sweat, strength, rubber band and a hair tie later I fixed it.

YAAAAAAAY ME! (Who needs a man.)

The first person I called was my best friend B around 10:30. Her phone was off. So of course I call her again yesterday to tell her I fixed my phone.

She immediately begins sobbing. I freak out.

"What's wrong, are you ok, what happened?!" etc.

"I left home yesterday, my plane landed here at 11, I got a message saying Dad died and I couldn't stop crying. I finally got myself to stop crying and couldn't start up again. I started having panic attacks so I went to my boyfriend's house to hide. I turned off my phone and turned it on just now and you call. How did you know? I haven't been able to cry till I heard your voice, I miss you."

I can't stop hearing her say these things to me over and over again verbatim.

I guess you can always tell when someone near you needs you. I was in a very weird depressed mood the night B's father died. You can see from my little blog that I had a nice little rant. I felt the need to talk to her - I didn't know why. Now I do.

Again back to the whole weird spirituality thing that I believe in, but God knew she needed attention. She said all of us called her that night because we were thinking about her, and how we've never ALL actually done that on the same night.

I don't know how to give her advice. I made myself shut up and listen to her. I tried to have her talk it out herself like I was taught in my behavioral class - until she yelled at me to stop acting like a doctor and more like a friend. I told her fine - but she needed to promise to see someone. I told her regression causes too many problems for someone as fucked up as her to deal with ;) - and she started laughing. "See, there's my nic"

She went out drinking last night. I sent her about 300 text messages saying I love you so she'd feel supportive. I called my family to support her because hers is across the country, and I blew up her e mail and myspace with all the attention I could muster.

I don't know how to handle this. I want to be strong for her and help her through this, and for once... I have no idea where to begin.

Before you judge a book by it's cover

Internet speculation has started in on rumors that America is about to attack Iran come April. They say we're going to wage war, and many American's are starting to look down on the evil Iranians living in their fair land.

Well here's a head's up.

I was born in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma.

I am a first generation Iranian who's parents came here during the revolutionary overtaking of the shah.

My family use to be influential, they never knew hardships before the revolution, but suddenly they were thrown into a country who's language they didn't understand, where racists sneered at them to learn proper english and leave.

My parents attended Oklahoma university where my father played football with people who called him a camel jockey. He made them laugh by calling them buffalo jock's in his thick persian accent. He quit the team when his football mates played a practical joke on my mother's brother and left him stranded in his dorm room with no clothes or phone for an entire weekend. He thought they were insulting him, they didn't realize he'd take it so hard.

My parents would take their textbooks and translate it to farsi, each word at a time, learn it, then translate their answers back to English. They formed a small family huddling together, explaining each paragraph they had deciphered to the group - they made up the top 10% of the class. Obviously this couldn't be right, Iranians beating the smart blond and blue's of OU?! No way. So they were separated and asked questions orally... having to stumble through translating the oral questions and answering back in a language they didn't know. The dean of the school apologized to them all... they all got perfect scores. My mother was so good in her math classes, her professors would excuse her from future lectures and exams because she broke the curve.

I grew up with my father's teachings, telling me to believe in god, to know he was always with me - but firmly told me that he would never choose my religion for me. He told me I could be whatever I wanted as long as I knew god was in my life. My mother always tried to push for me to realize I was a muslim... she'd sneak in little comments "you know we're muslim right? Not like them, but in our own way." - which would anger my father. No, he wasn't going to act like those religious freaks that kicked us out of his country, his daughter was going to be free, in any decision she made in her life.

My father would tell me of where he grew up. "Tehran is beautiful," he would say "you look out the front window and see white mountains, and the back window and see plains."
He would tell me of white beaches made of shells that you "can't walk on without shoes, the shells dig into your toes." My mother would tell me ghost stories from her life growing up in a castle. Tea with her great great great grandmother in a room long abandoned, her grandfather dying and coming back to see her if she didn't pray, sitting with her at night helping her go to sleep. She'd tell me of the castle cat which would sometimes bring her kittens and put them under her blanket for safe keeping while she roamed the house for mice.

I grew up with the picture of the shah sitting on my grandmothers table by the door. A shrine built to the old regime. The triple color flag with a lion, a crown and a sun sat proudly beside her Koran and her king. She played rummy with people I later saw in my college history of Iran course. I could never mention them, they were wanted "criminals" to Iran's new regime. The dreaded "underground" still supportive of the shah. Devils.

I was never allowed to watch what the new regime was doing to our country. My grandmother would sit and scowl by her radio trying to hear news on the one Iranian only radio station America had. She had to pay extra to listen, it was based in California. She'd cry when she'd hear of villages being attacked, more people dying. She wasn't allowed to call home.

I never met my grandparents on my mother's side. Her sisters married into the new regime to protect their family. They cry every time we can get a hold of them on the phone and they hear my voice. I'm told American accents are "hot" to Iranians, they tell me my pictures are beautiful.

When I was learning how to read, my grandfather would try to sit with me and learn. He always told me how bright I was, how I was so much smarter than him - I was always annoyed when he asked me questions and zipped through the answers. He stopped asking, and I had been relieved... He tried to learn again through my little sister's books 6 years later - careful not to ask her too many questions.

Later in life my father would tell me stories. "You know he was the head of the police? I would steal his car, and run around town with the siren on, when the police would catch me they would be so scared of your grandfather they would send me home with a warning. I'd drive away with the siren on laughing." I would stare at my grandfather coming home in his 7-eleven work shirt and try to imagine him as the head of police... I found pictures in my grandmother's closet of their wedding. Her dripping in gold, him standing proud with all his medals and cried at 15 - how could he go from such greatness to 7-eleven?

During the Iran-America soccer game a couple years ago, I rooted for Iran. The stands held an overwhelming number of people carrying the shah's flag. No not the new flag, with their Arab words on it and Muslim symbols, the old flag with it's lion flapping proudly in time to their chants. Showing the Iranian people of America are not the same as those extremists living and censoring in Iran, but but those that believed in the king. Who came here to escape the extremists inhumanity.

So now the time is coming where America is going to attack the regime I've been taught to hate. The one who sent my family here and allowed me to grow up free in a land where I was taught to be myself, and not listen or bow down to anyone else's influence, and what do i see? American's looking down upon the Iranians that live in THEIR fair land, and casting them aside as the same fools that are running the country over the in the middle east.

Well here's a head's up. I am an American, as are my parents. I am an Iranian. I vote and I support my military. I speak English without an accent, but speak farsi with a heavy American twang. I tell people who complain about America to leave, and I long to visit Iran's beautiful lands. I exchange christmas presents with friends, picnic on the fourth of July before watching the fireworks across the street from the monument, and I celebrate Eid every march 21 with my 7 S's.

HOW DARE you look down on people you don't know and try to ASSUME how they act or feel. As far as I'm concerned, if America can fix this mess, the mess THEY started by helping overthrow the shah so many years ago, and allowing his death by refusing him entrance for a medical procedure, I SAY BRING IT.

I want to see the white mountains and plains by my father's old house, I want to see the white sandy beaches that I need shoes to walk on. I want to see the castle that would've been mine had the government not confiscated it and demolished it for warfare training.

I want to see what would have been my home, and thank it for giving me the life I've been lucky enough to receive.

Picture's [Source]

97 days

Spring is in the air, and for some reason I have a big sign on my head saying "TRY TO DATE ME, PLEEEEEEASE!"

An old friend of mine I studied for my LSAT with (who had a crush on me then) apparently still has a crush on me. I filled out one of those stupid myspace survey's while in class while very bored. One of the questions was "have you ever liked a friend?" to which I answered "bad idea"

He write me back pointing the question out, I try not to start that conversation up replying "you crack me up," he wrote back "c'est moi qui craque petite" which roughly means... you're breaking my heart or something along those lines.

...

WHAT THE HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

...

me no likey

I hate how anything exciting in my life seem's to be about me hiding from men. But then again, I wouldn't want to put you all to sleep telling you about the cool pharmacological effects of grapefruit juice (cytochrome p450 inhibitor) or the pathology of your blood vessels and heart...

but by all means, if you're interested let me know. I could totally try to do the whole medical blog thingie ;)

Navy has also just gotten orders to DC. That means he'll be living there when I get back (he was only visiting when I met him). oh boy. --- but then again, he said he would teach me how to shoot a gun so i'm kinda excited about that part... but still. oh boy

(i'm lying, no medical blog for me!!!)

98 days

A couple of updates:
- So in regards to needing to call the GM in a timely manner... I decided I would just text message him. I had told him I couldn't give him a definite answer on dinner because I had a quiz in pharm on monday (which I did). So I text him this:
"Did well on my quiz today, how was your day"

Normal text right? Well I don't get a response (thank god)... until I wake up the next morning and saw he'd text me at 2:30AM (ugh) - typo's included verbatim:
"Just thinking :) but u r probably sleepling :) do u get hungry? I know nothing about u but i can still see ur hypnotic eyes drowning me and I wonder if ur as ur intoxicating as ur beautiful eyes... so u eat? How about dinner :)?"

Doesn't that just scream "I WANT TO FUCK YOU!!!"?

No seriously. It totally skeeved me out.

So I waited until yesterday and wrote him back saying something about how I had my friend do my eye makeup har har, and he wrote back something along the lines of, no it was the way you were looking at me blah blah blah.

I haven't written back. He skeeves me out. Fuck school politics... gah!

- Navy got a webcam. He's nice. It's not progressing anywhere. Unfortunately I think he's more into this web chatting thing than I am, which I would be stupid not to think otherwise, so I'm going to have to back off and stop being selfish. Attention from hot boy = yay, hurting hot boy = nay, he really his a nice guy.

This makes me itch

eeeeeeeeee!


Watch this video first



ok ready? Here's the explaination

Now read this

Now I would like to tell you that I saw this and was disgusted and lost my appetite... ok well you got me on the disgusted part... but I actually watched that video and was envious. Is it odd I wish I was the girl that got to pop those suckers out?

... I watched it twice.

I wanna pop out a botfly outta someone!

100 days

Last night... the GM from coast called me and asked me out.

I was shocked.

1. I never gave him my number. He took it upon himself to contact a classmate (the school prez) to "get the AMSA prez's number". Slick one he is... using my position to contact me (dammit).
2. I could barely understand his thick british/venezuelan accent
3. I was mid video cam talk with navy boy

TALK ABOUT TIMING.

So I quickly muted the video cam, and tried to figure out the fasted way off the phone since being rude wouldn't help me in this situation. See, I AM the AMSA prez, which means I have to fundraise, and who do we use for our fundraisers? The restaurant the GM so happens to work for.

SHIT SHIT SHIT.

I guess bribing him to flirt with my friend with attention from me later WASN'T such a good idea.

*groan*

How'm I gonna get myself out of this one? --- i'm supposed to call him tonight.

Damn school, political, fundraising, charity, drunkass me shit.

101 days

only 101 days till I leave the island (including weekends)

life is good.

I stayed up last night until 7:30 AM talking to navy boy. I think I just want attention while I'm here, but I still think he's really hot. Definitely not someone I'm going to get into a relationship with butttttt... he has a hot voice.

Drunk.

Last night my girls got me drunk. ooooooooooo boy.

People at school have never met DC nic. I have many personalities... I guess you can say I blend into the environments I'm in. I'm still myself in a sense but either toned down or up.

At school I'm work oriented. I study, I barely go out, I don't let on anything more than I have to. At home I'm the same, only I have more fun. I'm still the most responsible in our group, but then we have M the partier (she's the one that came to visit with her friend A), B who's the most like me, and another girl H who comes and goes.

So last night M guilt tripped me: "Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiic, I'm came all the way heeeeeeeeeere! This is my last niiiiiiiiiight. Drink with meeeeeeeeeeee."
To which I found myself responding: "Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine"

I gave the alky permission to get me drunk. DC nic came out.

I wore a skimpy top (unheard of here because I hate getting attention). Halter, no bra, with the bottom part being see through lace. Yes you could see my stomache, the belly ring ("YOU have a belly ring?!"), and double stick tape had to be used to make sure my breasts didn't pop out. I wore makeup, did up the eyes like I was going downtown. I wore heels, tight jeans, did my hair, needless to say I cleaned up.

I did shots, drank like I do back home - and basically left most of my classmates with their jaws on the floor asking me what I did with the nic they knew. Of course M was confused and confronted a few of them saying: "what are you talking about, she's always like this."

Main points that happened last night:
- The GM of the store fell in love with me and we had free drinks all night but my friend A thought the GM was hot, so I pulled him aside and asked him to flirt with her. OK OK I was drunk - but I wanted her to have a good time, it was her last night, she just wanted attention - not ass, and I she had already made her intentions known. She's gained a little bit of weight recently. She went from like a size 0 to a size 5, so she's still small, but she feels self conscious. I'm not sure if bribing the GM with attention from me later so she would get attention last night was such a good idea.
- My classmates saw I could dance, and were SHOCKED. "I never thought you could tear up the dance floor like that nic, daaaaaaaamn." Again, M was confused: "Are you kidding me, she shakes her ass like there's no tomorrow."
- A classmate danced with me and tried to make out with me. I pecked him. I think about this today and I want to vomit. Dating within the ranks of our med school is no bueno. I can't stop cringing. EW EW EW GROSS.
- I called TB's school apartment in germany drunk as hell 4:30 am our time, like 9 something AM his time. Drunk dials are no bueno. Thankfully he didn't pick up, but that prompted a girl talk with A (M's friend) which made me cry. Not not little tears, those massive I'm drunk sobs. That was also very embarrassing. but it's ok, cause she cried too.
- One of us broke my toilet seat and I almost fell in. Also no bueno.

regardless, no more drinking for me. Done. People keep sending me messages to go out tonight, but no. I am in hiding. I think I'll just study path.

*cringe*

The final round

I'm back on the island, with only three and a half months until I'm finished. I came with two friends in tow - which has made the transition easier. I'm having fun. I'm enjoying the island, and thankfully nothing scary has happened while my friends have been here. I have realized that I've begun to think of this place as home. I was more comfortable driving here than in america, my room was nice and set up when I came back, and yes, I missed the beach (which I ran to right after registration and drove in) - brrr.

Home was nice, I guess I should update.

My best friend B found a boyfriend, who totally creeps me out. He's a local teacher who another friend of mine heard slept with one of his 18 year old students a year or so ago. But I was sworn not to say anything, so I sit there seeing her falling in love and get skeeved out when I think of the gossip (which may be false btw). She started picking him over us, which hurt. She brought him out everywhere with her, including my birthday dinner - which she dipped out of asap so she could spend the rest of the night with him. That kinda stung - but I was still in anti-emotion antigua mode and thought it bothered me I didn't understand it till about a week later when she kept bringing him along to everything.

Note to women, don't do this. Your friends want to see you, not you making out with your new man every 2 seconds. GAG.

New years came in with a bang. I got my new years kiss from a very attractive man who I found out later is in the navy (ACK!) and 21 (double ACK!). He keeps trying to keep in touch... I still find him attractive, but I need to get away from this military thing dammit. He WAS a good cuddler though... *sigh*

I hooked up with 2 people while at home, and by hooked up I mean kissed and cuddled with. One was hottie navy boy, the other was this israeli guy who not only barely spoke english, but was astounded when he found out I was persian and was actually giving him the time of day. The net day I came upon an article concerning israel planning on bombing iran - i didn't return his phone calls, haha.

The israeli had a really hot accent, and was your basic tall and skinny. The navy boy had a body made of rock, I made him do push ups with me on his back and challenged him to a sock race. (you know, where you wear socks, run real fast, and see who slides the furthest)


I shopped (FINALLY) bought new clothes, jeans, etc. Played with my doggie (who is even more of a little shit) and cried a lot when I had to leave him. I didn't get to see a lot of people or do a lot of things - my first days back were odd. I was... off. Unemotional. I can't really explain it.

It's like I didn't care about anything. Friends came to see me, tried to take me out to do things and I... just didn't care. Like with the B situation - I was sitting in the car on the way back from the bar the night of my birthday thinking... I should care about this. She's ditching me for him, why don't I?

I guess in antigua I built some pretty tough walls. With my girls being here my classmates are seeing another non bitchy side of me. Atleast 10 people have commented on it - telling me I seem happier.

I guess I am. I needed home.

God bless the USA.