It constantly amazes me what catches people's attention on the net. I've been writing this blog consistently for over a year now, even though I started it broken more than 2 years past. I've written about loving, heart breaking, playing, bitching and moaning. I've shown how I've grown from a child with no direction to a medical student finishing her second year of school soon to start her clinicals. I've shown my opinions, things I've found amusing, things that capture my attention. I've shown I'm not perfect, and how I cope with the confusion of being a child in an adult's body...
And what's the one thing that most people are attracted to on my site above all things?
Sex and violence.
My page had over 700 view's from around the world when I stuck up the UCLA taser incident. When I laughed about the "Indian's having small penii" BBC article, again - hits from all over the world. I mention phone sex on MY blog, MY diary - and G who hasn't left a comment in over 3 weeks takes time to make his presence known. "Why would people want to read this?"
But when I write anything about my opinions, my thoughts, anything - no those aren't interesting. Who cares about how I feel about Iran, who cares about what went through my head before I had direction in life?
I don't mean this rant towards those I have somehow "befriended" in the blog world. Those that have a vague feeling of who I am and in some sense understand why I think a freshly dissected heart looks beautiful. It's those that stalk the internet that... skeeve me out.
Why search the net for sex and violence? Why does that attract people so much? Because it's taboo?
Why are these 14 year olds putting pictures of themselves up holding a camera to a foggy bathroom mirror in their bra's and panties on myspace? Why was I able to find over 200 video's of "girl fight" on myspace? Why does it scare the crap out of me that my little sister is now legal, and wants to go clubbing back home without me? -- oh I know, because everyone is only interested in sex and violence, and her innocence can so easily be taken away from her.
At one point in time I kinda cared who read this. I wanted feed back. I wanted people to see my initial hurt 2 years ago when the man I thought I loved broke my heart. I wanted support when I left home and put up my feelings on the internet. But then I realized this blog was more about me. I come on here and try to re-read my blogs, to see how I've changed. It's STILL hard to read how KFP eff'd me up - I honestly can't even read through one WHOLE blog because I feel sick at how stupid I was.
So in response to you G, why would I put this up for people to read?
Because that's what a blog is. A public diary. I choose to keep my identity to myself, but you're right - it would be very easy to figure out who I am.
But then again - this blog doesn't have that much sex OR violence, I'm not too sure many people would care about the actual person that writes it.
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The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness, can be trained to do most things.
-Jilly Cooper
"The chief cause of unhappiness and failure, is trading what you want most, for what you want at the moment."
Dear god, I should"ve been born a gay man
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9 comments:
I didn't know that your site got hit so drastically when you put up those posts. That is shocking (because I didn't realize how many people surf blogs) and sad (because I can imagine what it's like to get all those hits, but not really because of you).
I'm sorry that you feel like this.
For whatever it's worth... I really enjoyed reading your blog about Iran, but really couldn't come up with a response that I deemed profound enough, or respectful enough.
Keep blogging! I personally really enjoy the anonymity and wouldn't want to find out everyone's real identities, to prevent losing this very personal diary/sharing spot.
Still in contract work exile. I apologize for my spotty support over the last several weeks but:
You and I had this conversation once before, re: putting things up on the net and sending the wrong message or attracting the wrong people. The point isn't that people won't find it interesting, but that the wrong people will find it interesting for the wrong reasons, or even the right people will find it interesting for the wrong reasons. If you write a blog about your sex life, you're going to attract people based on that. If you post half-naked pictures of yourself, you will attract people based on that. PB, Caro, and I were here before that, but frankly it's less interesting than other things you blog about. Iran, for instance. Medical school. That's the stuff -I- would rather read. I won't speak for PB or Caro, but I suspect they would agree. Have some respect for yourself. A few of the rest of us do.
Frankly, you are at a crossroads. In fact, one you narrowly avoided when you first linked up to myspace. You're writing about yourself, but you're selecting things differently. You may not notice the difference, but it's there. Are you writing your diary, or is your diary becoming a tabloid full of the sort of things you think people want to read - sex and violence? The sex may be interesting, but only because it's like watching a train-wreck in slow motion. I'm pretty sure that I for one don't really want to be there the day your sex leads to violence. Call me old-fashioned.
Also, being defensive, I had left comments, just not specific to any particular post. I'm all over the chat thing. I will get back to specific comments when I'm not in a hotel room full of lawyers looking at thousands of pages of bullshit a day. The Iran post alone may result in a book being written, because I am the son of a man who was born in Israel when it was still Palestine, was brought to the US to keep him out of the fighting, and then went back to fight in the 6 day war. I went to my "homeland," and while the age, natural splendor, and the development of the desert by sheer force of will are impressive, I was detained to determine if I was dodging the draft there, and had some less-than-illuminating conversations with locals. I can empathise with your message. But I'll get back to that later. I have a few thousand documents to read...
I think I have enough respect for myself G.
Then I misjudge you and find you disappointing, and you should ignore the question about why you would post about your phone-sex tryst.
To each their own
I realized after I got back to work that there is no way that you could possibly have taken that the way I meant it. As an inconceivably rare event, I apologize. Don't hold it against me if you don't hear from me for a while, but I am clearly trying to do too many things at one time. Literally, at one time. My point as before though, is that you risk bringing exactly what you don't want to your blog by not blogging accordingly. You should feel free to have a journal. You should perhaps not speak with absolute freedom on an online journal. I would hope that you would not want to bring the people that post will bring to this place. That's the bulk of what I was trying to say. Now I have to figure out how to make this stupid-ass program work - you go have phone sex or something...
Hey, the freedom of this bizarre spot on the internet is that it's whatever you want it to be. So you can talk about some hot Navy guy who you have a crush on one minute and then go into an incredibly powerful essay on your heritage the next.
When I first saw the Iran post, I thought it was an article you found, and then I realized you wrote it. I thought it was a really wonderful and powerful piece. I guess sometimes it's easier to comment on things like phone sex or random life crap than it is to face the tough issues.
I love your blog. You can write whatever the hell you want, and I'll still stop by to check it out. So keep your head up. We're not all monkeys.
thanks graham :)
We ARE all monkeys. Please all take a moment to flame me.
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