Well supposing you’ve read the previous blog entry you have some questions.
Trying to answer them will be a different story considering I don’t really know what’s going on in this fucked up head of mine.
CPE started acting weird about a week ago – right after I told him he was freaking me out and to back off a little. Then he started annoying me – giving me shit because I wasn’t calling him… asking personal questions dealing with my love life on the island, so on and so forth. Needless to day I backed off even more.
Then he started acting weird, as in weird weird. Not calling like he always did, and doing things that made me think he’d met some girl. Or course this really didn’t bother me – what bothered me was that he would give me shit for not calling him and putting the growing distant thing on me. He was projecting, I knew he was projecting, I turned into bitch mode.
Finally I got fed up and called him out. To which he starting rambling on some speech that he’d obviously prepared starting with the “I’ve been meaning to have a talk with you for some time, I met this girl last week blah blah...”
Let’s just get this straight – I never actually thought CPE and I would ever get back together. There are just too many things about him that I don’t like. Not to mention my family and friends absolutely hate him, and his recycling has been kept secret from everyone who knew me back when I actually dated him.
On that note – my thoughts on him meeting someone else being confirmed were odd. In some way it hurt, because he’d fought so hard for me to see he had changed yet within a couple days he just… changed his mind. On the other hand I was happy for him. Really really happy, because I knew we’d never be together and he’d finally met someone who accepted him.
So I was stuck there in this weird I’m hurt because I’m being selfish and I’m happy you’re happy mode, where I actually did shed some tears when he told me about said girl while at the same time trying to express to him that this was the best thing for him to do.
So I’m sitting here thinking – I should just stop talking to him again.
If I continue to speak to him, things will be awkward. I’m use to being number one, to having him drop everything for me. I’m also competitive and if this girl actually gets him to commit I’ll start playing stupid mind games – I know myself too well.
If I don’t speak to him he’ll just be hurt for awhile, and probably think I’m doing it because he hurt me, but at the same time he won’t have me to continuously run to and will focus his attention on the girl. He’ll probably commit, and without me in the back of his mind maybe even consider spending the rest of his life with the girl.
I really want him to be happy, I really really do. My broken ways shouldn’t hold him back just because I need someone to fall back on.
On a side note – this just really freaked me out – he bought me a bracelet (there is a story behind this I don’t feel like typing out) from when he was in Guyana and came to see me here – did I tell you guys about this? Hmm… I should update more. Anyway I just realized it broke. Tonight, the night he told me the thing is unraveling. Freakin weird, it was fine 3 hours ago wtf.
It’s a sign – the CPE era is over. I need to be strong for him and shut him out… for the last time.
*sigh*
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4 comments:
LOL. I am highly amused... I'm not going to tell you why, but I am highly amused.
Ever watch Chris Rock standup? He has this bit about the "dick in the glass case" ... It's SOOOOOOO true... which is what makes it SOOOOOOOO funny.
By the way, there's always the "grow up" option, which includes the "move on" subset. Just a thought.
who needs to grow up and move on? not me...
... of course not...
(I'm holding back the "I told you so for the right moment.")
You're not the one who recycled someone knowing that it was going to be complicated, then pushed them away, then weirded out when they moved on, and are now engaged in mystical thinking about the demise of inanimate objects. Who, incidentally, is threatening to wreck things for the guy if they get serious. A guy you have no intention of getting serious with.
The weirded out when moved on comes as more of a "how can someone be so sure of something then have something change it in the span of 7 days," weirded out.
The pushing away is still continuing, and I'm preventing myself from playing the typical mindless games I seem to play when I want attention.
I never threatened, I know. He gave me the option of committing to him over the phone, long distance, when he told me - and I declined, saying I thought this was the best for him.
Now had I not recognized these qualities in myself, and led the poor guy on just to boost my ego - and was maybe actually hurt by the recent events would your rebuttal be founded... but that's not the case.
I never said I wasn't broken - I'm as bad as they come, but atleast I know it and attempt at stopping it.
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