So we all know I just jumped out of normal nic clothes and committed to someone. (and just in case you didn't know... I did, I committed... bah) I'll be the first to tell you it was a very rash, unplanned event. All my nic senses are telling me to turn around and run, but I'm not listening. I'm going against instinct... but I'm sitting here wondering if it's really my "instinct" or if I'm just scared.
I'll be the first to tell people I'm broken. I am. I am broken. I dated two different men back to back during a time where I was growing and learning about others as well as myself- and I got burned. For 2 straight years I dealt with securities and insecurities of not only myself but others. I went from the self confident girl that just liked to cuddle, to the over analysing trustless individual you've all become accustomed to. I dated a man who sincerely believes he loves me that treated me like shit, and fled into the arms of a man who didn't love me but treated me like a queen.
Because of this I doubt.
Not others, but myself.
I don't know what I'm doing with this guy. God, he lives in GERMANY! GERMANY. In 14 days he's going to be gone and as much as I tell myself that maybe, just MAYBE I'll see him again, I know i won't. This isn't something that will work out in the long run. So what am I doing?
I tell myself I'm learning how to trust again - but I see myself pulling myself away from him. Doing things to anger him so he pushes me away.
I tell myself I'm learning how to be confident in myself again - but I only feel ugly and self concious when he tells me I'm beautiful.
I tell myself I'm myself again - but I don't even know who I am... how am I supposed to go back to normalcy?
I don't understand what I'm doing. I don't understand how I'm supposed to overcome this. I've tried talking about it to close friends... but it doesn't help. How is it that I feel nothing for my past, but my past is inhibiting how I feel for the present?
Who knows? Maybe I can't fix myself... maybe I need a German to fix me. Maybe, just maybe... I need to stop protecting myself and fall.
Maybe I'm just not as strong as I'd like to think I am.
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The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness, can be trained to do most things.
-Jilly Cooper
"The chief cause of unhappiness and failure, is trading what you want most, for what you want at the moment."
Dear god, I should"ve been born a gay man
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15 comments:
Hmmmmmm... [cracks knuckles] The Dr. is in.
"I tell myself I'm learning how to trust again - but I see myself pulling myself away from him. Doing things to anger him so he pushes me away."
Perhaps the reason you committed to someone you knew you couldn't keep was to reify your belief that you can't trust or hold onto anyone? Right? And, I don't mean to speak badly of a German, 'cause hey, they didn't try to wipe out my entire race or anything, but what sort of guy lets you commit to him if he knows in 14 days he's going to leave, quite possibly to never see you again? I don't know anything about the guy, but, just asking... Sounds like a ploy to get laid, which doesn't sound like such a challenge with you (sorry, I had to do it).
"I tell myself I'm learning how to be confident in myself again - but I only feel ugly and self concious when he tells me I'm beautiful."
If he told you you were ugly, would you feel beautiful? If he didn't say anything about your appearance at all, would you feel ugly, or beautiful? Does your mother tell you you're beautiful, or that you're a big fat cow? (THAT question could backfire...). Does it matter? Whether you are confident or learning to be confident has nothing to do with what he says about you, or whether what he says matches what you think, it has to do with what you think. If we agree that what he says has no effect on that, perhaps you are being either unfair to you, thinking that you can't solve your own issues, or unfair to him, expecting him to solve your issues for you.
"I tell myself I'm myself again - but I don't even know who I am... how am I supposed to go back to normalcy?"
What is normalcy? "Normal" people are the fucked up ones. They're either so brainwashed or so numb that they don't interact with things around them, they just react with set patterns to do what they expect of themselves or what is expected of them.
"How is it that I feel nothing for my past, but my past is inhibiting how I feel for the present?"
Because you don't feel nothing for your past. You're just not listening to yourself because the past is where you were, and it didn't work out. In order to avoid the same hurt, you're jumping straight to the things you did to push the hurt away last time, and therefore averting even the possibility that the future might not be like the past. You begin with the assumption that you will fail, and therefore you either make failure, or put yourself in situations highly unlikely to result in success or achievement of your goals. Self-defeating behaviors. Learned helplessness. Chain a baby elephant to a stake and it will learn that it can't pull the stake out and stop trying... even after it's strong enough to ignore the stake, or even the chain itself.
Maybe rather than protecting yourself or falling, you need to get your head screwed on to the point where you don't start from the point where you feel that you need to protect yourself or fall...
So, do you feel like crying? Feel 100 times worse? You can't hang up on me... NYAAH NYAAH!!
I find it hard to conceive of a German fixing anything. I'm not a racist, I'm just a student of history.
I don't get it. Do you mean you're doing the long distance relationship thing with this guy? Or is it more like long distance pining? There's an agreement that you won't date other people while you're an ocean (or two? I don't know my world map) apart?
It's such a guy thing to guess that Nic's guy just wants to get laid, G-hero. We girls like to believe that men are more serious than that. But, you're the guy, so I guess you have higher chances of being right.
The being beautiful thing... it's a complex situation. I'm guessing that saying Nic is ugly is just an outrightly stupid thing to do. She's just saying that him saying she's beautiful doesn't always make her believe she's beautiful. Although, I'm pretty sure it helps a lot. Right, Nic? Beautiful is always good.
Actually... my mom did call me a big fat cow. Worked wonders on my self-esteem.
But that's beside the point.
My point is... while Nic is working on her self-esteem, having her guy tell her she's beautiful is a good thing! She might not believe it yet, but if she's working on her own confidence, then one day she won't need him to tell her she's beautiful.
It might be unfair. But we all have too much baggage to be fair to people we're committed to. That's why I'm trying to figure stuff out before I dump my baggage on someone else.
I agree with G on the self-defeating behavior. Even though it's good to always remember the past as a warning, we shouldn't avoid it at all costs. Then, there are too many things we can't do. What's the fun in that?
I'm a preachy ball of mess.
Also, I believe that Germans shouldn't be held responsible for what their ancestors did. History or no history, give the guy a chance!
erm - the long distance thing is not something i usually agree too... and probably wont. I think I was having a really bad day when I wrote this one.
I think i'm going to implement the don't ask don't tell don't fall in love long distance relationship theory. - As in i get to visit him and he can show me all around germany while i still have the cuddling option :) haha.
to touch base with the beautiful comment - PB's right. I know I'm not ugly, doesn't mean I don't feel I am at times. I know what type i fall into - but sometimes i don't want to be my type, i want to be another type and wonder if maybe men i'm attracted to want a type that i can never be... get all that?
meh - girl insecurities.
G wrote too much for me to reply to... atleast I'm amusing again
PB = good response :) A+ for you
...i'm procrastinating from studying for my tests tomorrow...
meh
p.s. he's REALLY REALLY friggin hot.
p.p.s. he has a hot accent
p.p.p.s. he's EAST german if that makes any difference...
p.p.p.p.s. i have reread galactic's response and i also give it an A... but refuse to reply for fear of further procrastination.
...i hate studying.
http://factsofisrael.com/blog/archives/000145.html
yeah, the article in that link is WAY too long...
me
like
short
stories
*grunt*
Ok. Losing two wars in 30 years failed to learn them Germans a thing, so they not liking Hebrews again. Why did the redneck accent seem fitting...?
I'm done talking about Germans. I have cousins getting ready to move to the Lebanese front.
BTW, I demand a reply, or I promise retalliation. If my procrastinating can get me fired and I'm doing it anyway, no piddly test is getting you out of procrastinating.
sorry... i'm busy learning what activates and inhibits glutamine:phosphoribosyl pyrophosphate adenotransferase in the purine synthesis cycle...
and it's difference to the pyrimidine cycle.
Oh yeah and the drugs that inhibit the pathway.
shoot me
That does not constitute a response. Prepare for retalliation. Remember, my people have no sense of proportionate force, so you better get it in gear, or I'm going to sandblast you with insults and belittlement.
Stick out yer eye...
I'm looking up law on indemnification and products liability.
This is vs. the sweet kind individual we've all become accustomed to?
I'm shaking in my boots - but that could be a sign of hypoglycemia... ugh
"Kind" is another of those words not generally used to describe me.
I just, for the second night in a row, got hit on by a co-worker over the phone. That's two co-workers in two days. I, like, woke up hot, or something. Go figure...
Just as I'm about to get fired...
Although it must be annoying to be hit on by unwanted people, I just have to jump on the immature train and say: It must be cool to wake up suddenly hot!
I think you're going to have to kick it up a notch, G. We've become accustomed to your ways. You're going to have to be more insulting to surprise us.
You're funny looking and you smell. And you're a GIRL!!
Oh no!
My immaturity has rubbed off on G-hero. How sad.
I have my OWN immaturity...
[geek alert - Conan line: "I will have my OWN kingdom... my OWN queen." - Now back to your regularly scheduled serious stuff.]
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