So I never really thought I had player status. I thought I was just... free spirited? Till I decided to leave the country.
HO
LY
SHITE
From R calling me trying to see me one last time (not gonna happen buddy), to ALG calling me crying... CRAYING!? ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME! I never talk to him... To an old friend confessing his love and asking me on a date the night I have to pack (seriously now, I had to pack up my life) to J calling me drunk making sure I'm coming to see him on new years.
Where the eff did they come from!
I wish I had just left the country and hadn't told anyone. My friends are all giving me guilt trips too, especially the Jamaica girls.
AND I got an HP laptop and jenn just freaked me out about it.
*sigh*
I might not be blogging for awhile, until atleast after Jan 3 :) MISS ME!
Friday, December 30, 2005
Thursday, December 29, 2005
HOLY RUSH!!!
So I got into the med school, and before I let myself think about it I put down a non refundable housing deposit and registration fee totalling $750.
Then I called and cancelled the trip to Jamaica with the girls.
My life since has been a blurry mess. I bought plan tickets only to find out the travel agent messed up and instead of a return flight on April 21, he made it JAN 21!!! ACK! So I'm freaking out, because I need that ticket to fax to Antigua to get a letter I need to show immigration stating I intend on studying in their fine country and without it I'M SCREEEEEEEEWED!
I need a laptop.
Now.
My other one (oh yeah you guys don't know this story) - ok well it basically blew up.
BOOM
Never buy TOSHIBA, stupid piece of ....
I got my formal acceptance last night, I blogged on the other blog I was leaving and then...
my phone exploded.
Not like the laptop boom, more like everyone and their mother called me their first statements being "WHAT THE FUCK?!"
yeah.
I'm going to med school guys, keep your fingers crossed.
Then I called and cancelled the trip to Jamaica with the girls.
My life since has been a blurry mess. I bought plan tickets only to find out the travel agent messed up and instead of a return flight on April 21, he made it JAN 21!!! ACK! So I'm freaking out, because I need that ticket to fax to Antigua to get a letter I need to show immigration stating I intend on studying in their fine country and without it I'M SCREEEEEEEEWED!
I need a laptop.
Now.
My other one (oh yeah you guys don't know this story) - ok well it basically blew up.
BOOM
Never buy TOSHIBA, stupid piece of ....
I got my formal acceptance last night, I blogged on the other blog I was leaving and then...
my phone exploded.
Not like the laptop boom, more like everyone and their mother called me their first statements being "WHAT THE FUCK?!"
yeah.
I'm going to med school guys, keep your fingers crossed.
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
The Beltway
Repost from Sunday December 11, 2005 of my other blog
I squint my eyes as I try to refocus on the road before me, my blurred vision temporarily focused in my attempt. I reach for the volume dial making linkin park and their rage louder to try and drown my own out. I check my speed... 80, not bad, maybe I should slow down. I've made it three-fourths of the way around the beltway, I'm calm by now - right when I see the mormon church directly ahead of me. "Wow it's bright," I think to myself...
"Don't know what you're expecting of me," Linkin Parks lyrics jolting me back to reality. "Yeah really," I mutter to myself and I once again re-adjust my speed to a "I don't want a ticket so I'm going to be good" speed.
I don't know how it happened, but it did, once again I let them push me to the point where I'm tearing myself up wondering why I have all my flaws. I replay how it started over and over not understanding how the situation escalated. Me at the computer, just getting home from the day of errands - father wanting me to do something, somehow my life being brought up. How does this happen?
Experience let me know what was headed my way when the usual examples were thrown at me as I grabbed my coat and shoes walking silently to the garage door in my socks. "This isn't the way to deal with this" my mother yells at me as I stop in the garage to slip my feet into my boots, my father still loudly muttering my faults from somewhere within. "Come back and talk to him!" But I keep walking, silently with determination - knowing that whatever I do or say will end in me sitting on our couch listening to how I've ruined my life leaving my self esteem worse off than it was when I came home.
I turn on my car and take a deep breath - this is the first time I'm actually standing up for myself. The first time I was brave enough to keep quiet, to turn my back, to walk away and show them I don't need them - even though their support is all that's kept me going the past year.
As I put my car in reverse I know there's no turning back, when I get to the stop sign at the end of my street I just want to turn around and go home.
I reach for my bag, "Shit," I mumble realizing I don't have my cell phone. Silently thanking myself for forgetting it - who would I call? I don't want people seeing me like this - I'm not supposed to have a temper. I am the happy one, the responsible one, I don't have problems. I reach for the radio and make it louder... driving always did calm me down - I should be more independent anyway.
I think of all the places I could go, debating on if I should go back home tonight or make them worry - then kick myself for thinking it knowing how worried they would be. Mechanically I'm already on GT pike headed for the beltway... 15 minutes later I'm in it headed south, processesing myself, letting myself cool.
True I don't know what I'm doing with my life. Yeah ok, I could have gone to med school. No, I don't care what my scores were and what it makes me look like. I don't care what other people's preceptions of me are - I know I could have made a difference if I wanted to and they do too, what do I care if people don't believe I did as well as I did and I'm not pursuing a certain career. "Just because you're hung like a moose doesn't mean you have to be a porn star," - thanks harold and kumar, you gave me the quote of my life.
I wonder if I really am a failure. I wonder why I changed my mind - I COULD still apply to medical school... I think of unrelated topics that make me more depressed as I hit the mixing bowl. I debate on heading to my friend's house in the area unannounced... probably not a good idea.
I check my speed again - 90 mph, "perfect" I mutter to myself again as I start to slow down. The truck behind me honks making me switch to the right hand lane. My surroundings suddenly unfamiliar as I pass into maryland. I kick myself again for not grabbing my favorite CD as I surf radio stations.
I start wondering how mad they are at me. Why did I leave? I can't believe I left. What if they lock me out? I don't have a key... What if they throw my dog out to get back at me, or if I go home and he's thrown my stuff out? Maybe I SHOULD just go home in the morning, maybe if I get home really really late they won't notice I'm back.
Damn all I want is my cell phone.
And then I start to calm down, the songs on the radio now have words - they are no longer mindless tunes adding to my haze. Linkin park breaks through my concious, I squint, I see the church - it really is lit up well. I drove right through maryland in what seemed like 2 seconds processing... and I'm finally feeling better.
I check my speed - 65 as I hit Great Falls, Va exit. I notice the guy behind me is tailgating me "mothereffer" I think as I turn onto GT pike. The drive home always did make me happy... this is home... this is me.
I squint my eyes as I try to refocus on the road before me, my blurred vision temporarily focused in my attempt. I reach for the volume dial making linkin park and their rage louder to try and drown my own out. I check my speed... 80, not bad, maybe I should slow down. I've made it three-fourths of the way around the beltway, I'm calm by now - right when I see the mormon church directly ahead of me. "Wow it's bright," I think to myself...
"Don't know what you're expecting of me," Linkin Parks lyrics jolting me back to reality. "Yeah really," I mutter to myself and I once again re-adjust my speed to a "I don't want a ticket so I'm going to be good" speed.
I don't know how it happened, but it did, once again I let them push me to the point where I'm tearing myself up wondering why I have all my flaws. I replay how it started over and over not understanding how the situation escalated. Me at the computer, just getting home from the day of errands - father wanting me to do something, somehow my life being brought up. How does this happen?
Experience let me know what was headed my way when the usual examples were thrown at me as I grabbed my coat and shoes walking silently to the garage door in my socks. "This isn't the way to deal with this" my mother yells at me as I stop in the garage to slip my feet into my boots, my father still loudly muttering my faults from somewhere within. "Come back and talk to him!" But I keep walking, silently with determination - knowing that whatever I do or say will end in me sitting on our couch listening to how I've ruined my life leaving my self esteem worse off than it was when I came home.
I turn on my car and take a deep breath - this is the first time I'm actually standing up for myself. The first time I was brave enough to keep quiet, to turn my back, to walk away and show them I don't need them - even though their support is all that's kept me going the past year.
As I put my car in reverse I know there's no turning back, when I get to the stop sign at the end of my street I just want to turn around and go home.
I reach for my bag, "Shit," I mumble realizing I don't have my cell phone. Silently thanking myself for forgetting it - who would I call? I don't want people seeing me like this - I'm not supposed to have a temper. I am the happy one, the responsible one, I don't have problems. I reach for the radio and make it louder... driving always did calm me down - I should be more independent anyway.
I think of all the places I could go, debating on if I should go back home tonight or make them worry - then kick myself for thinking it knowing how worried they would be. Mechanically I'm already on GT pike headed for the beltway... 15 minutes later I'm in it headed south, processesing myself, letting myself cool.
True I don't know what I'm doing with my life. Yeah ok, I could have gone to med school. No, I don't care what my scores were and what it makes me look like. I don't care what other people's preceptions of me are - I know I could have made a difference if I wanted to and they do too, what do I care if people don't believe I did as well as I did and I'm not pursuing a certain career. "Just because you're hung like a moose doesn't mean you have to be a porn star," - thanks harold and kumar, you gave me the quote of my life.
I wonder if I really am a failure. I wonder why I changed my mind - I COULD still apply to medical school... I think of unrelated topics that make me more depressed as I hit the mixing bowl. I debate on heading to my friend's house in the area unannounced... probably not a good idea.
I check my speed again - 90 mph, "perfect" I mutter to myself again as I start to slow down. The truck behind me honks making me switch to the right hand lane. My surroundings suddenly unfamiliar as I pass into maryland. I kick myself again for not grabbing my favorite CD as I surf radio stations.
I start wondering how mad they are at me. Why did I leave? I can't believe I left. What if they lock me out? I don't have a key... What if they throw my dog out to get back at me, or if I go home and he's thrown my stuff out? Maybe I SHOULD just go home in the morning, maybe if I get home really really late they won't notice I'm back.
Damn all I want is my cell phone.
And then I start to calm down, the songs on the radio now have words - they are no longer mindless tunes adding to my haze. Linkin park breaks through my concious, I squint, I see the church - it really is lit up well. I drove right through maryland in what seemed like 2 seconds processing... and I'm finally feeling better.
I check my speed - 65 as I hit Great Falls, Va exit. I notice the guy behind me is tailgating me "mothereffer" I think as I turn onto GT pike. The drive home always did make me happy... this is home... this is me.
Monday, December 26, 2005
Crazy
The crazy shite that happens in the richest county in the US
I went to school with one of them, he was shot by the crazy while hiding in the closet. What a way to go.
I went to school with one of them, he was shot by the crazy while hiding in the closet. What a way to go.
Sunday, December 25, 2005
Closure
So reading about all these people trying to get over harsh break ups made me wonder... how IS KP doing?
I then searched for him on myspace... and found his profile. Last checked sometime in november.
I got a smug feeling seeing his relationship status was single. I hope the stupid young perfect gorgeous blonde he left me for fucked him over and left him the same way he left me...
So I sent him an xmas card to remind him of how well I was doing.
Karma's a bitch isn't it.
I then searched for him on myspace... and found his profile. Last checked sometime in november.
I got a smug feeling seeing his relationship status was single. I hope the stupid young perfect gorgeous blonde he left me for fucked him over and left him the same way he left me...
So I sent him an xmas card to remind him of how well I was doing.
Karma's a bitch isn't it.
When is enough enough?
CPE text me just now...
"Merry CHRISmas and Happy B-DAY CPE"
He knows I call him CPE, he reads my other blog religiously. I feel aweful that he's alone for the holidays. He has no family really - he's really screwed up. I care about him so much, but he's CRAZY! HE DOESN'T GET THAT I DON'T WANT TO BE WITH HIM!
I tried being nice to him, but he kept pushing me. He actually almost won me back at one point, but did the same BS the second he thought he'd won me back. The boy is too pretty for his own good, and he knows it.
It's been 2 years, he was the boyfriend right before KP. YOU THINK HE'D GET IT!
So I'm sitting here, wanting to be nice to him. Wanting to call him and make sure he's ok, that things where he's been stationed are fine - but I know he'll take it all the wrong way and think he has a shot again. THEN I'LL NEVER GET HIM OFF MY BACK.
I feel awful. How can you care for someone and hate them at the same time? He disgusts me... but I want the best for him?
*vomit*
"Merry CHRISmas and Happy B-DAY CPE"
He knows I call him CPE, he reads my other blog religiously. I feel aweful that he's alone for the holidays. He has no family really - he's really screwed up. I care about him so much, but he's CRAZY! HE DOESN'T GET THAT I DON'T WANT TO BE WITH HIM!
I tried being nice to him, but he kept pushing me. He actually almost won me back at one point, but did the same BS the second he thought he'd won me back. The boy is too pretty for his own good, and he knows it.
It's been 2 years, he was the boyfriend right before KP. YOU THINK HE'D GET IT!
So I'm sitting here, wanting to be nice to him. Wanting to call him and make sure he's ok, that things where he's been stationed are fine - but I know he'll take it all the wrong way and think he has a shot again. THEN I'LL NEVER GET HIM OFF MY BACK.
I feel awful. How can you care for someone and hate them at the same time? He disgusts me... but I want the best for him?
*vomit*
Saturday, December 24, 2005
A reminder:
A reminder to those who are experiencing what I experienced last year... you are so much more after you get through this than you were before this.
Be thankful of small gifts such as what you're going through - imagine how much worse it could be.
It's raining!
Men that is...
I can't seem to get away from them. I must have some kind of "take me now" vibe. I need to learn not to care about any of them... it seems that's the best way for me to keep them. Lets update on all their status' with me shall we?
J is still in the lead with his adorable messages and conversations and PICTURE (*gasp*) hot hot hot - but no really, he's doing really well for himself. Very bad timing (in case I DO do the whole med school thing) and if not bad timing bad LOCATION - being 3 hours away is no bueno. Maybe that's why I like him.
R knocked me off my beam for a bit and had my head spinning. I can honestly say he's one of the 2 real crushes i've had this year, and he ruined that - miserably. The second he knew he had me in the bag the attention stopped and I was left with a miserable, self depreciating feeling that I DIDN'T LIKE AT ALL! Good thing I know how to knock myself out of that rut (hello pxxi) and a couple days later he's back to showing me with attention and etc... over it. Sucks too... he was so promising!
ALG (i gave him 3 letters because he has the same initials as my high school sweetheart and I don't want to confuse) is such a sweeeeeeeeetheart! :(. A very VERY annoying sweetheart that somehow rubbed me the wrong way. I get good morning text's, phone calls that last for only a brief amount of time because he doesn't want to bother me knowing how "busy" i am (guilty expression inserted here). He sends me messages constantly counting down to my birthday and spent loads of money on me (yet another guilty expression inserted here). man o man... if only i liked this one!
there have been a few here and there that i've ignored - the guy i met out the other week but was semi attractive, V's friend. ANYWAY how the hell does this happen?
When I was swooning over R it was DEAD, it's like they all knew I was a stupid girl that was itching for R's phone calls and couldn't wait for him to kiss me or take me out or cuddle or ACK I WAS ALMOST IN A RELATIONSHIP!
I'm weirded out now after coming to that realization.
I need a drink.
I can't seem to get away from them. I must have some kind of "take me now" vibe. I need to learn not to care about any of them... it seems that's the best way for me to keep them. Lets update on all their status' with me shall we?
J is still in the lead with his adorable messages and conversations and PICTURE (*gasp*) hot hot hot - but no really, he's doing really well for himself. Very bad timing (in case I DO do the whole med school thing) and if not bad timing bad LOCATION - being 3 hours away is no bueno. Maybe that's why I like him.
R knocked me off my beam for a bit and had my head spinning. I can honestly say he's one of the 2 real crushes i've had this year, and he ruined that - miserably. The second he knew he had me in the bag the attention stopped and I was left with a miserable, self depreciating feeling that I DIDN'T LIKE AT ALL! Good thing I know how to knock myself out of that rut (hello pxxi) and a couple days later he's back to showing me with attention and etc... over it. Sucks too... he was so promising!
ALG (i gave him 3 letters because he has the same initials as my high school sweetheart and I don't want to confuse) is such a sweeeeeeeeetheart! :(. A very VERY annoying sweetheart that somehow rubbed me the wrong way. I get good morning text's, phone calls that last for only a brief amount of time because he doesn't want to bother me knowing how "busy" i am (guilty expression inserted here). He sends me messages constantly counting down to my birthday and spent loads of money on me (yet another guilty expression inserted here). man o man... if only i liked this one!
there have been a few here and there that i've ignored - the guy i met out the other week but was semi attractive, V's friend. ANYWAY how the hell does this happen?
When I was swooning over R it was DEAD, it's like they all knew I was a stupid girl that was itching for R's phone calls and couldn't wait for him to kiss me or take me out or cuddle or ACK I WAS ALMOST IN A RELATIONSHIP!
I'm weirded out now after coming to that realization.
I need a drink.
Phone pics
J sent me a pic of himself right after the shower with no shirt.
HOLY HELL HE HAS A HOT BODY
I am trying as hard as I possibly can not to post it here to show it off. Maybe I'll cut off his face or something but it is probably the hottest picture I have ever seen...
I think he might post it on myspace. If he does I'm posting it here.
New Years is look more and more promising ;)
HOLY HELL HE HAS A HOT BODY
I am trying as hard as I possibly can not to post it here to show it off. Maybe I'll cut off his face or something but it is probably the hottest picture I have ever seen...
I think he might post it on myspace. If he does I'm posting it here.
New Years is look more and more promising ;)
Friday, December 23, 2005
YES!
YEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSS!!!
Just got a call telling me that my New Years tickets are being refunded. Guess I'm going to Va beach for New Years! :) :)
Let's see how well this goes, B and S are coming with me, and we're staying at J's house. B & S know everyone down there, and I plan on getting shitty :)
awesome.
Just got a call telling me that my New Years tickets are being refunded. Guess I'm going to Va beach for New Years! :) :)
Let's see how well this goes, B and S are coming with me, and we're staying at J's house. B & S know everyone down there, and I plan on getting shitty :)
awesome.
Chemistry
Yesterday I was forced to e mail one of my old professors for a recommendation.
Today I have e mails from 4 of my old professors asking how I've been and why I havn't been back to say hi. I was one of the few of us (1 out of a 5 person graduating class in major) that had a personality.
:(
I'm such a failure. I love chem... why did I quit?
Today I have e mails from 4 of my old professors asking how I've been and why I havn't been back to say hi. I was one of the few of us (1 out of a 5 person graduating class in major) that had a personality.
:(
I'm such a failure. I love chem... why did I quit?
New years
Hmm... so yesterday me and the girls bought all you can drink new years tickets to a nice club in DC at 12pm.
At 5pm J invites me down to where he lives so he can spend it with me since he has work at 4 AM new years day.
...
Dammit.
I put on all my charm to try to get him up here for the countdown telling him driving 3 hours down to VA beach would be fiiiiiiiiiiiiine. HAHA he didn't buy it. Crap.
So today I've been trying to get refunded the $220 i fronted for my girls and the tickets, calling the credit card company, paypal, and the stupid club itself (shocker no answer).
I want a real new years kiss :(. Drunken shenanigans with randoms doesn't cut it anymore. I miss kissing someone and meaning it.
yuck I'm scaring myself.
bah humbug
At 5pm J invites me down to where he lives so he can spend it with me since he has work at 4 AM new years day.
...
Dammit.
I put on all my charm to try to get him up here for the countdown telling him driving 3 hours down to VA beach would be fiiiiiiiiiiiiine. HAHA he didn't buy it. Crap.
So today I've been trying to get refunded the $220 i fronted for my girls and the tickets, calling the credit card company, paypal, and the stupid club itself (shocker no answer).
I want a real new years kiss :(. Drunken shenanigans with randoms doesn't cut it anymore. I miss kissing someone and meaning it.
yuck I'm scaring myself.
bah humbug
Thursday, December 22, 2005
Medical School
*breath*
I use to want to be a doctor. Everything I did revolved around my dream. I volunteered, I worked in hospitals, I joined clubs, organizations, EVERYTHING so that my resume come college graduation was AMAZING. I graduated at 20 with a chemistry degree... I took a year off to live... I changed my mind.
I decided that being a doctor was too political. That I couldn't handle the pressure, that it wasn't what I had imagined. I thought of the horrible things I'd seen working in hospitals, how people weren't grateful anymore, how I couldn't take it if it was MY fault someone died.
I decided to be safe, declining my acceptance into one of America's top 10 medical schools without telling anyone and decided to be a laywer.
I took my LSATS, did rather well, and was SUPPOSED to be working on my law school applications - as we speak. Till my friend calls me:
"Guess what"
"what?"
"You're going to be surprised"
"WHAT?"
"I applied to this medical school in the caribbean and got in, I think I'm going."
"WHAT YOU HAVN'T EVEN TAKEN YOUR MCAT?!"
"You don't need your MCAT, me D and F all got accepted, I'm going to start attending January"
"ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!"
And then all my longing for science returned. I was jealous. Not only that but I KNEW I could go. That I could've gone, that I was a lost cause.
So I got the name of the school, realizing they have rolling admission until the 30th, and I've decided to apply.
I need 2 recommendations on their letter head. I e mailed an old chem professor of mine and will probably ask my boss for the other. I need my official transcript but was assured by my friend that you can just FAX it to them and mail them the official later. I need to fill out an application, then complete an interview over the phone - all of these things I've gone through... but tell me.
Why all of a sudden do I want this now?
Why am I applying to a school that is not only not worth my merit, but kinda excited about it?
Why didn't I just do this a year and a half ago?
Why?!
I use to want to be a doctor. Everything I did revolved around my dream. I volunteered, I worked in hospitals, I joined clubs, organizations, EVERYTHING so that my resume come college graduation was AMAZING. I graduated at 20 with a chemistry degree... I took a year off to live... I changed my mind.
I decided that being a doctor was too political. That I couldn't handle the pressure, that it wasn't what I had imagined. I thought of the horrible things I'd seen working in hospitals, how people weren't grateful anymore, how I couldn't take it if it was MY fault someone died.
I decided to be safe, declining my acceptance into one of America's top 10 medical schools without telling anyone and decided to be a laywer.
I took my LSATS, did rather well, and was SUPPOSED to be working on my law school applications - as we speak. Till my friend calls me:
"Guess what"
"what?"
"You're going to be surprised"
"WHAT?"
"I applied to this medical school in the caribbean and got in, I think I'm going."
"WHAT YOU HAVN'T EVEN TAKEN YOUR MCAT?!"
"You don't need your MCAT, me D and F all got accepted, I'm going to start attending January"
"ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!"
And then all my longing for science returned. I was jealous. Not only that but I KNEW I could go. That I could've gone, that I was a lost cause.
So I got the name of the school, realizing they have rolling admission until the 30th, and I've decided to apply.
I need 2 recommendations on their letter head. I e mailed an old chem professor of mine and will probably ask my boss for the other. I need my official transcript but was assured by my friend that you can just FAX it to them and mail them the official later. I need to fill out an application, then complete an interview over the phone - all of these things I've gone through... but tell me.
Why all of a sudden do I want this now?
Why am I applying to a school that is not only not worth my merit, but kinda excited about it?
Why didn't I just do this a year and a half ago?
Why?!
Previous Blogs
I'm debating on transferring some of my previous blogs from the other blogging site to this one, but fear one of my other readers might find me here on blogger...
I don't want that. I like my freedom. I like my annonymity.
Hmm...
I don't want that. I like my freedom. I like my annonymity.
Hmm...
ENFJ
Soooo I just took a personality test :)
Here are the results:
Your Type is
ENFJ
Strength of the preferences %
Extroverted - 100
Intuitive - 38
Feeling - 38
Judging - 44
ENFJ type description by D.Keirsey
ENFJ type description by J. Butt
Qualitative analysis of your type formula
You are:
very expressed extrovert
moderately expressed intuitive personality
moderately expressed feeling personality
moderately expressed judging personality
"ENFJs know and appreciate people. Like most NFs, (and Feelers in general), they are apt to neglect themselves and their own needs for the needs of others. They have thinner psychological boundaries than most, and are at risk for being hurt or even abused by less sensitive people. ENFJs often take on more of the burdens of others than they can bear. "
Shocker...
Here are the results:
Your Type is
ENFJ
Strength of the preferences %
Extroverted - 100
Intuitive - 38
Feeling - 38
Judging - 44
ENFJ type description by D.Keirsey
ENFJ type description by J. Butt
Qualitative analysis of your type formula
You are:
very expressed extrovert
moderately expressed intuitive personality
moderately expressed feeling personality
moderately expressed judging personality
"ENFJs know and appreciate people. Like most NFs, (and Feelers in general), they are apt to neglect themselves and their own needs for the needs of others. They have thinner psychological boundaries than most, and are at risk for being hurt or even abused by less sensitive people. ENFJs often take on more of the burdens of others than they can bear. "
Shocker...
Introducing J:
Soooo J is on very good terms with me. He just sent me a text that not only made me smile but gave me slight butterflies. Therefore since work is slow and I am addicted to sharing my feelings over anything on this damn site, I will give the background story on J.
J is a guy that use to work with B. He lives down there and when she moved up here and we became friends I met a ton of people from down there - but not J. Nope.
J and I have never met in person - ew I know weird right? Bear with me here...
I made B get myspace after I myself became ridiculously addicted, and after having a page and ignoring it for a couple months she got addicted too and low and behold J found me on her friend's list.
J proceeds to add me - J sits on my list for about 5 months without us conversing. About 2 weeks ago we start talking, I forget about what. I mention B and I are going out and since she never has her cell phone he said to give him mine so he could call her later or something like that... slick move buddy.
Well he doesn't call that night - but he DOES call later, we talk for 2 hours. HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN?
Anyway long story short - I've never met him, we talk about everything. B tells me he's a total player but is baffled at how he's treating me. I.e. I tell him I have to get up at 6:30 for work and he'll set his alarm at 6 so he can give me a wake up call and talk to me a little (how effing cute). Did I mention he's visiting family right now and is out drinking till 4 every morning... adorable.
I think I like this so much because he's never met me. No I'm serious. He's not a dog that's just interested in my looks because he only has a handful of myspace pictures to go from. Right? I feel like some weirdo now... why do I get grossed out by people who think I'm pretty - hmmmm... maybe cause they don't give a shit about my personality and just want to get in my pants, MOVING ON!
That and he lives far far away... well about 3 hours but still - I'm not commitmentphobic, but I'm beginning to think I might be... sliiiiiiiiiiightly getting there. eek!
Anyway. I like the fact that he's getting to know me, he's a good distraction.
There in a nutshell is J.
J is a guy that use to work with B. He lives down there and when she moved up here and we became friends I met a ton of people from down there - but not J. Nope.
J and I have never met in person - ew I know weird right? Bear with me here...
I made B get myspace after I myself became ridiculously addicted, and after having a page and ignoring it for a couple months she got addicted too and low and behold J found me on her friend's list.
J proceeds to add me - J sits on my list for about 5 months without us conversing. About 2 weeks ago we start talking, I forget about what. I mention B and I are going out and since she never has her cell phone he said to give him mine so he could call her later or something like that... slick move buddy.
Well he doesn't call that night - but he DOES call later, we talk for 2 hours. HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN?
Anyway long story short - I've never met him, we talk about everything. B tells me he's a total player but is baffled at how he's treating me. I.e. I tell him I have to get up at 6:30 for work and he'll set his alarm at 6 so he can give me a wake up call and talk to me a little (how effing cute). Did I mention he's visiting family right now and is out drinking till 4 every morning... adorable.
I think I like this so much because he's never met me. No I'm serious. He's not a dog that's just interested in my looks because he only has a handful of myspace pictures to go from. Right? I feel like some weirdo now... why do I get grossed out by people who think I'm pretty - hmmmm... maybe cause they don't give a shit about my personality and just want to get in my pants, MOVING ON!
That and he lives far far away... well about 3 hours but still - I'm not commitmentphobic, but I'm beginning to think I might be... sliiiiiiiiiiightly getting there. eek!
Anyway. I like the fact that he's getting to know me, he's a good distraction.
There in a nutshell is J.
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
I'm just not that into you...
"When a young man complains that a young lady has no heart, it's pretty certain that she has his"
Yeah - seriously. Sounds like a personal problem... it's not my fault you effed up somehow and I'm easily annoyed by you.
*side note* i am beginning to blog from home - my addiction is scaring me.
Carry on!
Yeah - seriously. Sounds like a personal problem... it's not my fault you effed up somehow and I'm easily annoyed by you.
*side note* i am beginning to blog from home - my addiction is scaring me.
Carry on!
Lessons:
AG text me "good morning beautiful" today... *groan*
Note to men, women love this, but we have to feel like we've EARNED it. I am convinced AG only likes me because he thinks I'm pretty. He doesn't ask me ANYTHING about myself. My attraction went from slightly attracted to him (he has a cute grin and pretty pretty eyes and he's just BARELY tall enough) to N-A-D-A in 2 weeks. I've been waiting for him to leave town for 3 weeks so I didn't have to pull any heart wrenching tricks out of my sleeves, and now that it's finally happened he STILL calls. AHHHHHHH.
Dammit.
I also (in a moment of insanity I'm sure) unblocked CE from AIM because I thought MAYBE I was being too harsh. Well no - I don't want to deal with him at all, I still think he sucks, I still don't want to get back together with him BUT maybe I could slowly unblock him from everything starting with AIM and he'll leave me alone.
mmm... WRONG
20 minutes later I get a rambling and drunk (shocker) message from him which I'm debating about posting. In fact I think I will post it - another lesson to you men to NOT call your ex girlfriend who doesn't want anything to do with you and hasn't spoken to you in 6 months and leave rambling drunk dials:
"Hey Nic it's C, I just y'know, just want you to know you're the greatest, you're my favorite girl of all time. And y'know it's getting around the holidays and it's getting kinda lonely down here in southern virginia and uh, just wanted to say hi, and uh, i miss you, and i know yuo're doing good for yourself but that's all, y'know, nothing else. Just wanted to say hi and that i miss you and... you're my favorite girl of all time. You really are. And. I know in my heart that I was a jerk on many many occasions and that that's all i want to say is just i've been a bad guy many times, and for that - i just watned to honestly give you a true apology - of all time, that i CPE was a very very very bad guy and uh, i lost your friendship and that sucks, cause i can't tell you how many times i wish that i have you at the end of the night just to talk to just to see how you're doing, and just talk about life BUT sleep tight and give the puppy, not even a puppy anymore, but uh, give Mr. S a kiss for me. WELL you sleep tight and uh, have a wonderful happy holiday... season... goodnight."
Wow that was annoying and long to type out. I had to keep rewinding cause it didn't make sense.
I still need to tell you guys about J but I'm not in the mood after listening to that annoying message.
And R is giving me shitloads of attention today - over it.
I'll probably blog more later
Note to men, women love this, but we have to feel like we've EARNED it. I am convinced AG only likes me because he thinks I'm pretty. He doesn't ask me ANYTHING about myself. My attraction went from slightly attracted to him (he has a cute grin and pretty pretty eyes and he's just BARELY tall enough) to N-A-D-A in 2 weeks. I've been waiting for him to leave town for 3 weeks so I didn't have to pull any heart wrenching tricks out of my sleeves, and now that it's finally happened he STILL calls. AHHHHHHH.
Dammit.
I also (in a moment of insanity I'm sure) unblocked CE from AIM because I thought MAYBE I was being too harsh. Well no - I don't want to deal with him at all, I still think he sucks, I still don't want to get back together with him BUT maybe I could slowly unblock him from everything starting with AIM and he'll leave me alone.
mmm... WRONG
20 minutes later I get a rambling and drunk (shocker) message from him which I'm debating about posting. In fact I think I will post it - another lesson to you men to NOT call your ex girlfriend who doesn't want anything to do with you and hasn't spoken to you in 6 months and leave rambling drunk dials:
"Hey Nic it's C, I just y'know, just want you to know you're the greatest, you're my favorite girl of all time. And y'know it's getting around the holidays and it's getting kinda lonely down here in southern virginia and uh, just wanted to say hi, and uh, i miss you, and i know yuo're doing good for yourself but that's all, y'know, nothing else. Just wanted to say hi and that i miss you and... you're my favorite girl of all time. You really are. And. I know in my heart that I was a jerk on many many occasions and that that's all i want to say is just i've been a bad guy many times, and for that - i just watned to honestly give you a true apology - of all time, that i CPE was a very very very bad guy and uh, i lost your friendship and that sucks, cause i can't tell you how many times i wish that i have you at the end of the night just to talk to just to see how you're doing, and just talk about life BUT sleep tight and give the puppy, not even a puppy anymore, but uh, give Mr. S a kiss for me. WELL you sleep tight and uh, have a wonderful happy holiday... season... goodnight."
Wow that was annoying and long to type out. I had to keep rewinding cause it didn't make sense.
I still need to tell you guys about J but I'm not in the mood after listening to that annoying message.
And R is giving me shitloads of attention today - over it.
I'll probably blog more later
Merry Xmas!!!
Sooo... maybe I'm in a sappy mood, I dunno, but I thought this was really cute and was oo-ing and ah-ing it at work.
ENJOY!
p.s. R sent it to me...
ENJOY!
p.s. R sent it to me...
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
Competitive
I am so annoying.
I don't even get myself.
Yesterday I was beating myself up over R and how I didn't understand where things were going, then today he e mails me something and I'm over it. I don't give a rat's ass if I talk to him or not. I think about how he's not really that cute, and all my other options and blah blah blah. THEN - I know I shouldn't but - I check his myspace and I see the "other girl" and I'm jealous all over again and wanna win.
Grr.
What the hell. I hate you KP for doing this to me.
No only that but I've been talking to J (I'll get into this more later) and we're on the phone for HOURRRRSS talking about nothing, and I'm getting the biggest crush (kinda)- but that too has complications and is a very annoying situation.
Then AG is still around - and I HAVE to be nice to him, he spent so much effing money on me... dammit. So I need to respond to text messages and talk to him and EW HE'S SO ANNOYING! But seriously why don't I like him? He's always showering me with attention, he's always wanting to take me out and spend money on me, why why why why DO I GET SO ANNOYED BY IT!
I am such a stupid girl. God this is annoying.
I don't even get myself.
Yesterday I was beating myself up over R and how I didn't understand where things were going, then today he e mails me something and I'm over it. I don't give a rat's ass if I talk to him or not. I think about how he's not really that cute, and all my other options and blah blah blah. THEN - I know I shouldn't but - I check his myspace and I see the "other girl" and I'm jealous all over again and wanna win.
Grr.
What the hell. I hate you KP for doing this to me.
No only that but I've been talking to J (I'll get into this more later) and we're on the phone for HOURRRRSS talking about nothing, and I'm getting the biggest crush (kinda)- but that too has complications and is a very annoying situation.
Then AG is still around - and I HAVE to be nice to him, he spent so much effing money on me... dammit. So I need to respond to text messages and talk to him and EW HE'S SO ANNOYING! But seriously why don't I like him? He's always showering me with attention, he's always wanting to take me out and spend money on me, why why why why DO I GET SO ANNOYED BY IT!
I am such a stupid girl. God this is annoying.
Decorating...
Hmm... I think I might be getting slightly addicted to blogger...
annnnnnnd I'm thinking I want to make my page pretty
CRAP
I don't need another online addiction
annnnnnnd I'm thinking I want to make my page pretty
CRAP
I don't need another online addiction
*groan*
Why must dating be so difficult?
I have determined (and I'm not sure if I've written it here or just said it to a million people) BUT I am so much happier when I'm COMPLETELY single or COMPLETELY committed.
First lets tackle being single.
It is a happy time. You depend on yourself, you have no expectations, you don't want for phone calls or wonder if you should call. It's a complete and utter DRAMA FREE time where you don't pick yourself apart.
When you are committed, atleast when I am - you're happy. You're in loooove. You get to cuddle and watch movies and go to cool places. You don't worry that you've called too much or too little. You know that your partner finds you attractive, and witty, and likes your personality as much as you like theirs. This too is a happy time.
DATING.
You are going from single to maybe attached. You meet someone outside your circle of friends. You have to call them, they have to call you. You have to get to know them. You either like them or... you don't.
When you don't:
You can either tell them, ignore them, play nice, fade off - I HAVE TRIED EVERY FREAKIN TACTIC IN THE BOOK! For some reason I must treat the men I don't want amazingly because they never leave me alone.
When you like them:
You don't know if you're calling too much, you don't know if you should accept every invitation and seem TOO available (god knows that's annoying when guys to it to me), you don't know if you should be upset if he doesn't call, or he calls too much or AHHH!! I HATE IT!
Someone needs to invent the instant relationship.
Some kind of sign or something that tells you if you're completely compatible with someone so these stupid games and etc end. Like a little necklace that lights up when you are attracted to someone and are actually interested. Then there would be no more faking, and if you lost interest you could just say: "oh oops... my light went off, see you later!" I dunno...
I effing hate dating.
It's raining men and the one I want isn't responding, how the hell does that happen?
So now I'm stuck being nice to all these losers - actually I think I'll post another blog about this, more developments are occuring as I speak.
Did I mention I hate dating... grr
I have determined (and I'm not sure if I've written it here or just said it to a million people) BUT I am so much happier when I'm COMPLETELY single or COMPLETELY committed.
First lets tackle being single.
It is a happy time. You depend on yourself, you have no expectations, you don't want for phone calls or wonder if you should call. It's a complete and utter DRAMA FREE time where you don't pick yourself apart.
When you are committed, atleast when I am - you're happy. You're in loooove. You get to cuddle and watch movies and go to cool places. You don't worry that you've called too much or too little. You know that your partner finds you attractive, and witty, and likes your personality as much as you like theirs. This too is a happy time.
DATING.
You are going from single to maybe attached. You meet someone outside your circle of friends. You have to call them, they have to call you. You have to get to know them. You either like them or... you don't.
When you don't:
You can either tell them, ignore them, play nice, fade off - I HAVE TRIED EVERY FREAKIN TACTIC IN THE BOOK! For some reason I must treat the men I don't want amazingly because they never leave me alone.
When you like them:
You don't know if you're calling too much, you don't know if you should accept every invitation and seem TOO available (god knows that's annoying when guys to it to me), you don't know if you should be upset if he doesn't call, or he calls too much or AHHH!! I HATE IT!
Someone needs to invent the instant relationship.
Some kind of sign or something that tells you if you're completely compatible with someone so these stupid games and etc end. Like a little necklace that lights up when you are attracted to someone and are actually interested. Then there would be no more faking, and if you lost interest you could just say: "oh oops... my light went off, see you later!" I dunno...
I effing hate dating.
It's raining men and the one I want isn't responding, how the hell does that happen?
So now I'm stuck being nice to all these losers - actually I think I'll post another blog about this, more developments are occuring as I speak.
Did I mention I hate dating... grr
Monday, December 19, 2005
Marathon:
Ran into some other girl's blog about running a marathon - which I've wanted to do since forever. So I looked up some jank on google (haha jank) and not only looked at what she was using to train but also http://www.dcfit.net/
Lets see if I can keep this up. I think I'll keep it a secret from my friends, they always say I'll give up. Maybe I can prove them wrong :(?
I am lazy though... *sigh*
Lets see if I can keep this up. I think I'll keep it a secret from my friends, they always say I'll give up. Maybe I can prove them wrong :(?
I am lazy though... *sigh*
Recap
Another boring day at work, my boss is leaving early, does that mean I can leave early too? hmm...
The weekend was pretty eventful, I kept myself rather busy. B's brother is in town and I normally hang out with a different group of friends on fridays - but I took her and him out with me. They had a pretty good time, clubbing just really isn't my thing. I ran into my ex... nooo bueno.
I dated him for maybe a month 5 years ago and he insists he's in love with me and that we'll eventually get married. Then he proceeds to make out with any girl and grind on her when he realizes I'm at an establishment, and when I leave an area to go somewhere else he'll magically appear next to me making out with said girl.
How annoying.
Anyway, slept over at B's house woke up - took her and her brother to the post secret gallery... talked to Frank and told him one of my secrets was up there and for some odd reason started tearing up... I'm such a weirdo. I'm better about it now though - it's also published in the book so I've looked and re-looked at it to the point where... I'm ok, kinda. :) Frank is going to be seeing a lot of me... I'm addicted to this exhibit. He's on blogspot... postsecret.blogspot.com if I havn't already mentioned it, go look go look!
After that we were supposed to head over to herndon to see plunge play - yeah that didn't happen. Dammit. I hate being friends with girls. They have to do hair, and make-up, and my friends are lazy. Herdon is apparantly too far away even if it takes the same amount of time to trek to adams morgan or find parking in georgetown... I WAS A LITTLE ANNOYED. So what do they end up wanting us to do? Go to chili's and drink there, then go to some random party and then MAYBE go out, mmmm no. Chili's sucked and then I threw a fit and made us leave (well half of us) and we headed to B's house, took a shitload of shots and headed to claredon grill.
A was working :) I heart him... but I think he hearts me... mooooooooooore... why am I so nice to men, I should know better. They always take it the wrong way. Speaking of ran into N there and he tried to kiss me... all he got was a pucker - shit.
Anyway I proceed to get shitfaced and see one of R's friends... and I freak out thinking he's there... ack. That got me paranoid and reminded me that *gasp* R hasn't called me since that stupid e mail where he bailed on my cooking for bowling.
I am now drunk, and sad. Know what I do? I wait till I get back, grab a bunch of chips and salsa, and shovel it into my face while making drunk dials.
god that's so depressing.
The next day I wake up, we have breakfast, and one of my friends offers me redskins tickets (lol, weeeeeeell... after a little, ok a lot, of begging and nagging and guilt tripping and YAY REDSKINS TICKETS!). So I go:
BEST
GAME
EVER!!!
EEEEEEEEVEEEEEEEERRR
I was hooting and hollering and... ahem... drinking and
BEST GAME EVER!!! AHHHHHHH!
Stupid dallas, take that.
I also drunk text R, and I think I might've called too... stupid me. He text me this morning before he got to work. Blow me.
I also e mail him today and give him the i'd rather be friends why are you being weird e mail - trying to figure out what the hell went wrong
yep.
no response there.
I effing bought him a $100 xmas gift, I'm pissed. AND it's personalized... so I can't return that sucka.
DAMMIT
mmm... that's about it...
The weekend was pretty eventful, I kept myself rather busy. B's brother is in town and I normally hang out with a different group of friends on fridays - but I took her and him out with me. They had a pretty good time, clubbing just really isn't my thing. I ran into my ex... nooo bueno.
I dated him for maybe a month 5 years ago and he insists he's in love with me and that we'll eventually get married. Then he proceeds to make out with any girl and grind on her when he realizes I'm at an establishment, and when I leave an area to go somewhere else he'll magically appear next to me making out with said girl.
How annoying.
Anyway, slept over at B's house woke up - took her and her brother to the post secret gallery... talked to Frank and told him one of my secrets was up there and for some odd reason started tearing up... I'm such a weirdo. I'm better about it now though - it's also published in the book so I've looked and re-looked at it to the point where... I'm ok, kinda. :) Frank is going to be seeing a lot of me... I'm addicted to this exhibit. He's on blogspot... postsecret.blogspot.com if I havn't already mentioned it, go look go look!
After that we were supposed to head over to herndon to see plunge play - yeah that didn't happen. Dammit. I hate being friends with girls. They have to do hair, and make-up, and my friends are lazy. Herdon is apparantly too far away even if it takes the same amount of time to trek to adams morgan or find parking in georgetown... I WAS A LITTLE ANNOYED. So what do they end up wanting us to do? Go to chili's and drink there, then go to some random party and then MAYBE go out, mmmm no. Chili's sucked and then I threw a fit and made us leave (well half of us) and we headed to B's house, took a shitload of shots and headed to claredon grill.
A was working :) I heart him... but I think he hearts me... mooooooooooore... why am I so nice to men, I should know better. They always take it the wrong way. Speaking of ran into N there and he tried to kiss me... all he got was a pucker - shit.
Anyway I proceed to get shitfaced and see one of R's friends... and I freak out thinking he's there... ack. That got me paranoid and reminded me that *gasp* R hasn't called me since that stupid e mail where he bailed on my cooking for bowling.
I am now drunk, and sad. Know what I do? I wait till I get back, grab a bunch of chips and salsa, and shovel it into my face while making drunk dials.
god that's so depressing.
The next day I wake up, we have breakfast, and one of my friends offers me redskins tickets (lol, weeeeeeell... after a little, ok a lot, of begging and nagging and guilt tripping and YAY REDSKINS TICKETS!). So I go:
BEST
GAME
EVER!!!
EEEEEEEEVEEEEEEEERRR
I was hooting and hollering and... ahem... drinking and
BEST GAME EVER!!! AHHHHHHH!
Stupid dallas, take that.
I also drunk text R, and I think I might've called too... stupid me. He text me this morning before he got to work. Blow me.
I also e mail him today and give him the i'd rather be friends why are you being weird e mail - trying to figure out what the hell went wrong
yep.
no response there.
I effing bought him a $100 xmas gift, I'm pissed. AND it's personalized... so I can't return that sucka.
DAMMIT
mmm... that's about it...
Thursday, December 15, 2005
Today...
I'm sleepy...
I went to the post secret gallery opening last night - it was amazing. It really got my gears going. I got home late and blogged it from what you see... and I hit snooze for 30 min this morning and I look like shit today at work.
R annoyed me this morning. I think I'm done with him... sucks huh? I had so much hope, the biggest crush on him ever, I was so excited. Well anyway either he's really really busy like he says, or he's dating someone else (which to me in my twisted warped mind makes sense - I bet he works with her). Anyway last week we made plans for me to cook him dinner thurs night, and he e mails me today mentioning he forgot he had other plans and that tonight wouldn't work, maybe this weekend he could see me but that he was working this weekend again (which I take to mean not hanging out).
I didn't respond.
I'm pissed. - well not really pissed, but I did get that awful sick feeling in my stomach that makes me want to vomit. I don't care anymore - it's too early for me to get these paranoid feelings, ugh - this is supposed to be the HAPPY time!
So much for my crush - it was nice while it lasted... I tried atleast. I wasn't a bitch to him like I've been with the others.
*sigh*
In other new!
I want to take flying lessons!!! YES YOU HEARD ME FLLLLLLLYYYYINNNG!!!
And rock climbing...
And now I have no New Years plans because I wanted to spend it with R but I don't think that's going to happen anymore. Another shitfaced random New Years for me!!!
I want a nap... *groan*
I went to the post secret gallery opening last night - it was amazing. It really got my gears going. I got home late and blogged it from what you see... and I hit snooze for 30 min this morning and I look like shit today at work.
R annoyed me this morning. I think I'm done with him... sucks huh? I had so much hope, the biggest crush on him ever, I was so excited. Well anyway either he's really really busy like he says, or he's dating someone else (which to me in my twisted warped mind makes sense - I bet he works with her). Anyway last week we made plans for me to cook him dinner thurs night, and he e mails me today mentioning he forgot he had other plans and that tonight wouldn't work, maybe this weekend he could see me but that he was working this weekend again (which I take to mean not hanging out).
I didn't respond.
I'm pissed. - well not really pissed, but I did get that awful sick feeling in my stomach that makes me want to vomit. I don't care anymore - it's too early for me to get these paranoid feelings, ugh - this is supposed to be the HAPPY time!
So much for my crush - it was nice while it lasted... I tried atleast. I wasn't a bitch to him like I've been with the others.
*sigh*
In other new!
I want to take flying lessons!!! YES YOU HEARD ME FLLLLLLLYYYYINNNG!!!
And rock climbing...
And now I have no New Years plans because I wanted to spend it with R but I don't think that's going to happen anymore. Another shitfaced random New Years for me!!!
I want a nap... *groan*
My secret...
Tonight I met Frank.
I entered the gallery in Georgetown, I donated money, I bought a copy of the book, and... standing to my left, shaking people's hands was Frank. So we stood there, we attempted a few failed approaches, and I finally made eye contact, stuck out my hand and shook Frank's hand. He signed my book... he's rather witty if I do say so myself :), ANYWAY!
You don't know who Frank is? Shame on you... I keed, but no really.
Back story:
You can find this on the website BUT the short version is Frank = artist. Frank buys 3000 post cards asking for people to send him their secrets. Frank hands them out on the metro, he sticks them in books at the library, he leaves them at other gallery's... Frank gets nothing back for a couple weeks and feels his plan is at a loss. One day Frank gets a post card, on it is someone's grocery list - crossed out and replaced by another, and in the corner in small small print someone wrote "I feel alone" (or something like that I don't really remember what it said). Someone answered his plea... someone took the postcard, used it as scrap paper - but held on to it long enough to finally put their secret on it and mail it to Frank. From that day they started pouring in, and post secret was born...
I shook Franks hand, I thanked him for letting us be at the opening, I conversed, and then I hit the gallery. I stood there looking at the very small pieces of art that defined that certain someone's deepest secret. I read about regret and remorse, sorrow and happiness. I read about jealousy and resentment, and then... I saw mine. I couldn't even finish reading it before my heart jumped into my throat and my eyes started watering over and I jerked my head away.
I'd made it and mailed it a long time ago - and it still hit home. The time I took to make it was the time I needed to portray it...
But I couldn't bring myself to reread it at the gallery- to show any emotion towards it, to reclaim it as mine. I was thankful I was alone at this part of the gallery, we had all spaced ourselves out... picking through each section of our own accord... but then again, I wasn't alone.
Now I am an emotional person, a lot of the secrets did make my eyes well up, my heart stop, you can't help but to relate... but as I was standing there staring at the piece of my soul I had so thoughtfully made 2-D I heard the girl next to me sniffle... and I saw her reach for my secret... and touch it. That's when I realized she was crying, that's when I walked away.
She'd touched it. She'd felt it. She'd claimed it...
I never felt as small as I did in that room. My problems seemed non existant compared to some of the others. I cursed myself for taking the little things for granted, for allowing petty things to burdon me.
2 hours later I had only completed two-fifths of the gallery before I decided i'd have enough... I rounded up the group with sweet talk of food, I bid farewell to Frank, asked him when he'd be back so I could come visit again, and I left to come back later and finish my experience - maybe alone, maybe with someone I trust, but knowing the next time would probably be more emotional.
My brain had gone into overload - I know I will be visiting the gallery many times in the coming weeks... to see the secrets, and the impact they have on others... to see the impact they have on me.
I entered the gallery in Georgetown, I donated money, I bought a copy of the book, and... standing to my left, shaking people's hands was Frank. So we stood there, we attempted a few failed approaches, and I finally made eye contact, stuck out my hand and shook Frank's hand. He signed my book... he's rather witty if I do say so myself :), ANYWAY!
You don't know who Frank is? Shame on you... I keed, but no really.
Back story:
You can find this on the website BUT the short version is Frank = artist. Frank buys 3000 post cards asking for people to send him their secrets. Frank hands them out on the metro, he sticks them in books at the library, he leaves them at other gallery's... Frank gets nothing back for a couple weeks and feels his plan is at a loss. One day Frank gets a post card, on it is someone's grocery list - crossed out and replaced by another, and in the corner in small small print someone wrote "I feel alone" (or something like that I don't really remember what it said). Someone answered his plea... someone took the postcard, used it as scrap paper - but held on to it long enough to finally put their secret on it and mail it to Frank. From that day they started pouring in, and post secret was born...
I shook Franks hand, I thanked him for letting us be at the opening, I conversed, and then I hit the gallery. I stood there looking at the very small pieces of art that defined that certain someone's deepest secret. I read about regret and remorse, sorrow and happiness. I read about jealousy and resentment, and then... I saw mine. I couldn't even finish reading it before my heart jumped into my throat and my eyes started watering over and I jerked my head away.
I'd made it and mailed it a long time ago - and it still hit home. The time I took to make it was the time I needed to portray it...
But I couldn't bring myself to reread it at the gallery- to show any emotion towards it, to reclaim it as mine. I was thankful I was alone at this part of the gallery, we had all spaced ourselves out... picking through each section of our own accord... but then again, I wasn't alone.
Now I am an emotional person, a lot of the secrets did make my eyes well up, my heart stop, you can't help but to relate... but as I was standing there staring at the piece of my soul I had so thoughtfully made 2-D I heard the girl next to me sniffle... and I saw her reach for my secret... and touch it. That's when I realized she was crying, that's when I walked away.
She'd touched it. She'd felt it. She'd claimed it...
I never felt as small as I did in that room. My problems seemed non existant compared to some of the others. I cursed myself for taking the little things for granted, for allowing petty things to burdon me.
2 hours later I had only completed two-fifths of the gallery before I decided i'd have enough... I rounded up the group with sweet talk of food, I bid farewell to Frank, asked him when he'd be back so I could come visit again, and I left to come back later and finish my experience - maybe alone, maybe with someone I trust, but knowing the next time would probably be more emotional.
My brain had gone into overload - I know I will be visiting the gallery many times in the coming weeks... to see the secrets, and the impact they have on others... to see the impact they have on me.
Thursday, December 08, 2005
I would have shot him too...
http://www.cnn.com/2005/US/12/08/airplane.gunshot/index.html
it's crazy how're they're trying to make the air marshall's look like their at fault. If this guy WAS a terrorist, and he HAD succeeded the american public would have been outraged that these steps hadn't been taken...
annoying...
it's crazy how're they're trying to make the air marshall's look like their at fault. If this guy WAS a terrorist, and he HAD succeeded the american public would have been outraged that these steps hadn't been taken...
annoying...
Myspace
So I am a total Myspace addict. I joined it back in the day after the KP break up - and all of a sudden I had 3000 people telling me how beautiful I was and trying to add me as their friend (if you don't do myspace you wouldn't understand the beauty in this.) Anyway - I've been an addict since. I've made my friends join who have also become addicts... you think we like it because of our need for attention?
I dunno.
Anyway - right now myspace is down and I'm dying because I want to check it... I have a new picture up see. I want to see all my new comments :).
Myspace can also be bad in a sense. I'm dating a guy who has a myspace. I'm always checking his to see the girls on it... but he has an "awaiting approval" censor on his page. That's annoying. He can decline anything that would put any dirt on him. We don't like that.
He's the first major candidate for a boyfriend I've had since KP. I never thought I was left with trust issues after that ordeal... but now that I'm put in a situation where I actually like someone - I find myself looking for signs that he's dating other people...
I mean, I just think he's perfect y'know? Why is he single? I bet every other girl sees the same things I do - ack, this makes me nervous.
That and I havn't seen him since last thursday... no bueno.
*sigh* I should just turn back into the bitch I've been this past year and stop this mess... easier said than done right?
I dunno.
Anyway - right now myspace is down and I'm dying because I want to check it... I have a new picture up see. I want to see all my new comments :).
Myspace can also be bad in a sense. I'm dating a guy who has a myspace. I'm always checking his to see the girls on it... but he has an "awaiting approval" censor on his page. That's annoying. He can decline anything that would put any dirt on him. We don't like that.
He's the first major candidate for a boyfriend I've had since KP. I never thought I was left with trust issues after that ordeal... but now that I'm put in a situation where I actually like someone - I find myself looking for signs that he's dating other people...
I mean, I just think he's perfect y'know? Why is he single? I bet every other girl sees the same things I do - ack, this makes me nervous.
That and I havn't seen him since last thursday... no bueno.
*sigh* I should just turn back into the bitch I've been this past year and stop this mess... easier said than done right?
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
Heartbreaking
I know I'm not that political and all - but this article made me want to vomit...
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/10318347/
enjoy.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/10318347/
enjoy.
Friday, December 02, 2005
I'm back
So I transferred over to another blogging system that wasn't annonymous, and well... now people I want to write about know about the other one - and I can't be honest anymore. :) So here I am.
I havn't read the resent posts in a long time... I was really hurting. It makes my heart drop seeing how broken I was... remembering those feelings.
Well lets just say my predictions about myself were true. I did read back and see myself through a different set of glasses, but at the same time I think I sound a lot stronger than I actually was at the time... hmm. I didn't go back too far though - some things hurt too much to be revisited.
I guess I'll update this more often now-a-days :) welcome back me!
I havn't read the resent posts in a long time... I was really hurting. It makes my heart drop seeing how broken I was... remembering those feelings.
Well lets just say my predictions about myself were true. I did read back and see myself through a different set of glasses, but at the same time I think I sound a lot stronger than I actually was at the time... hmm. I didn't go back too far though - some things hurt too much to be revisited.
I guess I'll update this more often now-a-days :) welcome back me!
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