The Beltway

Repost from Sunday December 11, 2005 of my other blog



I squint my eyes as I try to refocus on the road before me, my blurred vision temporarily focused in my attempt. I reach for the volume dial making linkin park and their rage louder to try and drown my own out. I check my speed... 80, not bad, maybe I should slow down. I've made it three-fourths of the way around the beltway, I'm calm by now - right when I see the mormon church directly ahead of me. "Wow it's bright," I think to myself...

"Don't know what you're expecting of me," Linkin Parks lyrics jolting me back to reality. "Yeah really," I mutter to myself and I once again re-adjust my speed to a "I don't want a ticket so I'm going to be good" speed.

I don't know how it happened, but it did, once again I let them push me to the point where I'm tearing myself up wondering why I have all my flaws. I replay how it started over and over not understanding how the situation escalated. Me at the computer, just getting home from the day of errands - father wanting me to do something, somehow my life being brought up. How does this happen?

Experience let me know what was headed my way when the usual examples were thrown at me as I grabbed my coat and shoes walking silently to the garage door in my socks. "This isn't the way to deal with this" my mother yells at me as I stop in the garage to slip my feet into my boots, my father still loudly muttering my faults from somewhere within. "Come back and talk to him!" But I keep walking, silently with determination - knowing that whatever I do or say will end in me sitting on our couch listening to how I've ruined my life leaving my self esteem worse off than it was when I came home.

I turn on my car and take a deep breath - this is the first time I'm actually standing up for myself. The first time I was brave enough to keep quiet, to turn my back, to walk away and show them I don't need them - even though their support is all that's kept me going the past year.

As I put my car in reverse I know there's no turning back, when I get to the stop sign at the end of my street I just want to turn around and go home.

I reach for my bag, "Shit," I mumble realizing I don't have my cell phone. Silently thanking myself for forgetting it - who would I call? I don't want people seeing me like this - I'm not supposed to have a temper. I am the happy one, the responsible one, I don't have problems. I reach for the radio and make it louder... driving always did calm me down - I should be more independent anyway.

I think of all the places I could go, debating on if I should go back home tonight or make them worry - then kick myself for thinking it knowing how worried they would be. Mechanically I'm already on GT pike headed for the beltway... 15 minutes later I'm in it headed south, processesing myself, letting myself cool.

True I don't know what I'm doing with my life. Yeah ok, I could have gone to med school. No, I don't care what my scores were and what it makes me look like. I don't care what other people's preceptions of me are - I know I could have made a difference if I wanted to and they do too, what do I care if people don't believe I did as well as I did and I'm not pursuing a certain career. "Just because you're hung like a moose doesn't mean you have to be a porn star," - thanks harold and kumar, you gave me the quote of my life.

I wonder if I really am a failure. I wonder why I changed my mind - I COULD still apply to medical school... I think of unrelated topics that make me more depressed as I hit the mixing bowl. I debate on heading to my friend's house in the area unannounced... probably not a good idea.

I check my speed again - 90 mph, "perfect" I mutter to myself again as I start to slow down. The truck behind me honks making me switch to the right hand lane. My surroundings suddenly unfamiliar as I pass into maryland. I kick myself again for not grabbing my favorite CD as I surf radio stations.

I start wondering how mad they are at me. Why did I leave? I can't believe I left. What if they lock me out? I don't have a key... What if they throw my dog out to get back at me, or if I go home and he's thrown my stuff out? Maybe I SHOULD just go home in the morning, maybe if I get home really really late they won't notice I'm back.

Damn all I want is my cell phone.

And then I start to calm down, the songs on the radio now have words - they are no longer mindless tunes adding to my haze. Linkin park breaks through my concious, I squint, I see the church - it really is lit up well. I drove right through maryland in what seemed like 2 seconds processing... and I'm finally feeling better.

I check my speed - 65 as I hit Great Falls, Va exit. I notice the guy behind me is tailgating me "mothereffer" I think as I turn onto GT pike. The drive home always did make me happy... this is home... this is me.