My sorority little sister, and my panda pal somehow smoozled their ways into getting their pictures onto pink is the new blog. She was quite happy about it. It was panda's 22nd. How obsessive can you get haha?
anyway... just boasting. They're the 2 hotties holding a chocolate cake. :) I miss home
Saturday, September 30, 2006
Saturday, September 23, 2006
:)
So I am a typical girl. Hormones will eventually drive me crazy. The sadness I felt earlier in the week that i attributed to lack of attention actually had to do with my hormonal peaks leading to the visitation of my "friend" a little earlier than usual.
That's nice.
School hasn't been too stressful so far. Though I do have a complaint about each of my professors, I know that it's a much more feasible semester than the last one.
The micro professor WILL drive me crazy. I don't like people who don't know what they're talking about. He made us pay 100$ for his "intellectual notes" - i.e. the powerpoints he goes over in class, and they are probably the most unorganized pieces of chollera bacillus i have ever seen. It takes me an enternity to go over the 200 slides he does in a day and ORGANIZE them in a way that I will be able to digest the information. That's nice. Then he sits there and shouts the information at us, while sneakily reading it. UGH.
The pathology teacher is adorable. He does care if we pass our shelf, and tries to incorporate systemic with the general pathology we're doing now - but he too is unorganized and i am forced to read the book to clarify. This is no tiny book ladies and gents... it's robbins, a MILLION pages long - and heavy to boot. I have to tote that sucker around campus every day, no bueno. But I like the class, its interactive and I learn.
Behavioral is normal psych - but he only goes over things he likes in class... so I'm responsible for other things and I can't just take notes to learn - bah humbug.
That's it - I'm actually just trying to procrastinate so I don't have to organize my notes for micro.
oh yeah - and I got access to a repeater. Probably the best invention in the world for poor students like me. It enables me to steal internet. It's tite, I love it. Buuuut, I have to borrow it every night if i want it. Oh well - cheap.
I'm also moving in 2 months closer to campus. The new place is amazing, and has a great view. I won't be right on the beach or have the water right behind my house like I do now, but I take it for granted now and I'd rather be near school
My life is dull, oh well - there's my update
That's nice.
School hasn't been too stressful so far. Though I do have a complaint about each of my professors, I know that it's a much more feasible semester than the last one.
The micro professor WILL drive me crazy. I don't like people who don't know what they're talking about. He made us pay 100$ for his "intellectual notes" - i.e. the powerpoints he goes over in class, and they are probably the most unorganized pieces of chollera bacillus i have ever seen. It takes me an enternity to go over the 200 slides he does in a day and ORGANIZE them in a way that I will be able to digest the information. That's nice. Then he sits there and shouts the information at us, while sneakily reading it. UGH.
The pathology teacher is adorable. He does care if we pass our shelf, and tries to incorporate systemic with the general pathology we're doing now - but he too is unorganized and i am forced to read the book to clarify. This is no tiny book ladies and gents... it's robbins, a MILLION pages long - and heavy to boot. I have to tote that sucker around campus every day, no bueno. But I like the class, its interactive and I learn.
Behavioral is normal psych - but he only goes over things he likes in class... so I'm responsible for other things and I can't just take notes to learn - bah humbug.
That's it - I'm actually just trying to procrastinate so I don't have to organize my notes for micro.
oh yeah - and I got access to a repeater. Probably the best invention in the world for poor students like me. It enables me to steal internet. It's tite, I love it. Buuuut, I have to borrow it every night if i want it. Oh well - cheap.
I'm also moving in 2 months closer to campus. The new place is amazing, and has a great view. I won't be right on the beach or have the water right behind my house like I do now, but I take it for granted now and I'd rather be near school
My life is dull, oh well - there's my update
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
:(
Ireland/Germany vs. Freedom...I'm not happy. Relationships are about being happy. He's too busy, and I'm too... whatever I am it's not happy.
Damn.
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
The girlfriend rant...
yes I know - I know i know i know, but not only am I procrastinating, but I haven't been paid attention to, so here we go.
WHAT THE HELL!!!
The boyfriend is doing all kinds of shenanigans and isn't paying attention to me. :( He DOES have legit reasons:
1. starting his new business
2. a crapload of business/language/idon'tcareijustwanthimtopayattentiontome classes
3. time difference.
4. blow me
but he doesn't GIVE ME A GOD DAMNED SCHEDULE! Then he calls me on his cell phone drunk ($$$) which he can't afford and tells me how much he misses me, and how we need to talk to more.
*grumble*
so basically the little shit wants me to be on the internet 24/7 so that IF he does log into skype I'll be on call to set up the video cam and talk to him.
unfortunately, MYYYYYYYYY schedule will be getting pretty hectic starting next week. With atleast 3 quizes a week in pathology and micro, tests up my ass, and a minor behavioral science annoyance... time will not be this easily given.
things don't look too good kids. Atleast I still know I get a free trip to ireland for new years, and germany in may.
:)
...
:(
grr.
*side note* there are a million new kids at school this semester. The gods have been friendly after giving me a lack of fresh meat last semester. BUT MUST THEY PROVIDE SAID MEAT WHEN I'VE "COMMITTED". I'm trying here!!! WHAT THE HELL!!!
i've counted... 10 hotties. That's alot for our small island. Weeeeeeell, by my standards, only 2 REAL hotties, but I counted the cute ones too.
2 have already asked me to study with them. I told them i don't study at school (which I do, I just hide in a back room)
...
yep.
WHAT THE HELL!!!
The boyfriend is doing all kinds of shenanigans and isn't paying attention to me. :( He DOES have legit reasons:
1. starting his new business
2. a crapload of business/language/idon'tcareijustwanthimtopayattentiontome classes
3. time difference.
4. blow me
but he doesn't GIVE ME A GOD DAMNED SCHEDULE! Then he calls me on his cell phone drunk ($$$) which he can't afford and tells me how much he misses me, and how we need to talk to more.
*grumble*
so basically the little shit wants me to be on the internet 24/7 so that IF he does log into skype I'll be on call to set up the video cam and talk to him.
unfortunately, MYYYYYYYYY schedule will be getting pretty hectic starting next week. With atleast 3 quizes a week in pathology and micro, tests up my ass, and a minor behavioral science annoyance... time will not be this easily given.
things don't look too good kids. Atleast I still know I get a free trip to ireland for new years, and germany in may.
:)
...
:(
grr.
*side note* there are a million new kids at school this semester. The gods have been friendly after giving me a lack of fresh meat last semester. BUT MUST THEY PROVIDE SAID MEAT WHEN I'VE "COMMITTED". I'm trying here!!! WHAT THE HELL!!!
i've counted... 10 hotties. That's alot for our small island. Weeeeeeell, by my standards, only 2 REAL hotties, but I counted the cute ones too.
2 have already asked me to study with them. I told them i don't study at school (which I do, I just hide in a back room)
...
yep.
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
inflamed lymphatic? I hope so...
I was taking off my shorts, preparing for an awkwards night sleep on the couch (the parents and sister + friend were visiting) when in the dark my nail brushed against it.
"OW!!! - dammit, i got another ingrown hair."
*tangent*
Have I ever mentioned how much i HATE shaving. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I am a waxer. I wax EVERYTHING when given the opportunity. I HATE HATE HATE shaving.
*on with the blog*
So of course the first thing I do when I feel an ingrown hair is sqeeze. Holy mother of jesus that thing exploded. I grumble a couple of curse words, do to the bathroom and finally turn on a light wipe my hands and look and the thing when I notice how large the area is.
"it's not a lump, it's probably an inflamed lymph nodule" i say to myself so I don't freak out.
I decide to sleep it off.
The next morning my "lump" is larger. Still hoping it's an inflammed lymphatic,
i sqeeze again.
I've repeated this every morning for the past couple of days.
The lump hasn't gone away, and nothing is coming out of it anymore.
Yesterday I begin to freak a little. My mother, my aunts, my grandmother, all have had a run in with cancer. I begin to take my genetics into consideration as i try to examine the ingrown hair from hell. Self diagnosis is a bitch.
Last night i applied antibiotic the area the ingrown hair had been (now pretty much gone) I picked off the scab (basically dug a new whole) and dumped bactine all over that sucker.
This morning the lump is smaller. I figure it's still an inflammed lymph nodule and decide my current treatment is working.
we'll see... i'm giving it another week before i might freak again and try to get a ticket to the states for a check up.
eek!
"OW!!! - dammit, i got another ingrown hair."
*tangent*
Have I ever mentioned how much i HATE shaving. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I am a waxer. I wax EVERYTHING when given the opportunity. I HATE HATE HATE shaving.
*on with the blog*
So of course the first thing I do when I feel an ingrown hair is sqeeze. Holy mother of jesus that thing exploded. I grumble a couple of curse words, do to the bathroom and finally turn on a light wipe my hands and look and the thing when I notice how large the area is.
"it's not a lump, it's probably an inflamed lymph nodule" i say to myself so I don't freak out.
I decide to sleep it off.
The next morning my "lump" is larger. Still hoping it's an inflammed lymphatic,
i sqeeze again.
I've repeated this every morning for the past couple of days.
The lump hasn't gone away, and nothing is coming out of it anymore.
Yesterday I begin to freak a little. My mother, my aunts, my grandmother, all have had a run in with cancer. I begin to take my genetics into consideration as i try to examine the ingrown hair from hell. Self diagnosis is a bitch.
Last night i applied antibiotic the area the ingrown hair had been (now pretty much gone) I picked off the scab (basically dug a new whole) and dumped bactine all over that sucker.
This morning the lump is smaller. I figure it's still an inflammed lymph nodule and decide my current treatment is working.
we'll see... i'm giving it another week before i might freak again and try to get a ticket to the states for a check up.
eek!
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Koran 9:11
This has been circulating around the net - someone correct if inaccurate.
BUT if accurate... well, read for yourself
Koran (9:11)
For it is written that a son of Arabia would awaken a
fearsome Eagle. The wrath of the Eagle would be felt throughout the
lands of Allah and lo, while some of the people trembled in despair still
more rejoiced; for the wrath of the Eagle cleansed the lands of Allah; and
there was peace.
BUT if accurate... well, read for yourself
Koran (9:11)
For it is written that a son of Arabia would awaken a
fearsome Eagle. The wrath of the Eagle would be felt throughout the
lands of Allah and lo, while some of the people trembled in despair still
more rejoiced; for the wrath of the Eagle cleansed the lands of Allah; and
there was peace.
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Fail harder
Yes well - I guess I'm not use to curves.
My whole life I've been accustomed to grades which reflected only one or two questions wrong per test, giving my averages in the 90's and at worst in the 80's. Here, however, one must be use to failing everything it seems. The difference is, you must somehow see how BADLY you're failing vs. the rest of the class.
Though I thought I did terribly by nic standards on my finals, compared to my class, and the united states in general - I knew my shit.
That astounds me.
I am happy to inform you all that in one short week I will be starting my second year of medical school.
Apparently our microbiology teacher is the DEVIL... I am not looking forward to this.
My whole life I've been accustomed to grades which reflected only one or two questions wrong per test, giving my averages in the 90's and at worst in the 80's. Here, however, one must be use to failing everything it seems. The difference is, you must somehow see how BADLY you're failing vs. the rest of the class.
Though I thought I did terribly by nic standards on my finals, compared to my class, and the united states in general - I knew my shit.
That astounds me.
I am happy to inform you all that in one short week I will be starting my second year of medical school.
Apparently our microbiology teacher is the DEVIL... I am not looking forward to this.
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
MY bracelet
The night before TB left I took of MY bracelet - the one I'd been wearing in antigua since almost day one - and hid it in his luggage.
He just found it while unpacking and called to let me know he thought it was priceless - he didn't know my weird story with the bracelets... I didn't even really associate my bracelet with the previous events until right about now.
I had just wanted to give him a part of me to take home.
oooooooooh boy.
I had also hidden a shell I'd written some cute notes on in some shoes he had left at my house not thinking he was going to wear them... yeah he did, he didn't understand what the painful sharp thing digging into his toe was until he took off his shoes and the pretty broken shell pieces fell out in flakes. That was nice... whoops.
He just found it while unpacking and called to let me know he thought it was priceless - he didn't know my weird story with the bracelets... I didn't even really associate my bracelet with the previous events until right about now.
I had just wanted to give him a part of me to take home.
oooooooooh boy.
I had also hidden a shell I'd written some cute notes on in some shoes he had left at my house not thinking he was going to wear them... yeah he did, he didn't understand what the painful sharp thing digging into his toe was until he took off his shoes and the pretty broken shell pieces fell out in flakes. That was nice... whoops.
Annoying.
The ex boyfriend is driving me CRAZY!
I don't think he can get over the fact that I honestly don't care about his current relationship - or should I say, that I'm not jealous.
Many just out of college twenty somethings are on myspace. Though I am not one of the many that was addicted to facebook, it's the big kid version of the college obsession.
My ex is on myspace. Though I have my profile set to private he'll nag me to death anytime I even CONSIDER deleting him. It was a big deal when I refused to stick him on my "top 8"... now my "top 24".
With that being said - when the change in relationship status went from "single" to "in a relationship" I got a nasty little e mail which state something along the lines of "you never cared about me," and "how long were you talking to this guy while you were stringing me along."
*pause*
Might i remind you of previous events where in fact TB came along AFTER cpe was in a COMMITTED relationship with some girl back home.
Next I took a video of a time where TB cooked for me and sent it to my girls via myspace. I made it PRIVATE - as in crazy ex can't see - but crazy ex also stalks my friend's pages so it seems... and sent another nasty e mail about me being happy now, and how he's happy I'm happy and blah blah blah.
i still havn't replied to any of these messages
He's now reverted to AIM. He will AIM me anytime I log on when attempting to file transfer to other students in my class.
Annoying.
"I just wanted to see how things are going"
"they're going"
*x box*
Finally: I put up a picture with TB. A cute, casual, candid shot of the two of us eating breakfast at the beach bar by my house. In said picture TB is wearing a pink shit, and I am kissing his cheek while he is grinning. The caption is the nickname I gave him, "TB."
I get another little e mail - with cpe's default picture now being changed to a picture I took of him in a pink shit while he vistited antigua with a caption "real men wear pink" and another uploaded with HIM kissing his current girlfriend with a caption of his nickname for HER (she's not cute at all, nice body though) in almost the same exact pose as the one I put up.
I was about to puke.
GET A LIFE!
... vent over. I really want to delete him, but I feel it will be more drama and bitching than it's worth - atleast now it's only once a week... grr.
I don't think he can get over the fact that I honestly don't care about his current relationship - or should I say, that I'm not jealous.
Many just out of college twenty somethings are on myspace. Though I am not one of the many that was addicted to facebook, it's the big kid version of the college obsession.
My ex is on myspace. Though I have my profile set to private he'll nag me to death anytime I even CONSIDER deleting him. It was a big deal when I refused to stick him on my "top 8"... now my "top 24".
With that being said - when the change in relationship status went from "single" to "in a relationship" I got a nasty little e mail which state something along the lines of "you never cared about me," and "how long were you talking to this guy while you were stringing me along."
*pause*
Might i remind you of previous events where in fact TB came along AFTER cpe was in a COMMITTED relationship with some girl back home.
Next I took a video of a time where TB cooked for me and sent it to my girls via myspace. I made it PRIVATE - as in crazy ex can't see - but crazy ex also stalks my friend's pages so it seems... and sent another nasty e mail about me being happy now, and how he's happy I'm happy and blah blah blah.
i still havn't replied to any of these messages
He's now reverted to AIM. He will AIM me anytime I log on when attempting to file transfer to other students in my class.
Annoying.
"I just wanted to see how things are going"
"they're going"
*x box*
Finally: I put up a picture with TB. A cute, casual, candid shot of the two of us eating breakfast at the beach bar by my house. In said picture TB is wearing a pink shit, and I am kissing his cheek while he is grinning. The caption is the nickname I gave him, "TB."
I get another little e mail - with cpe's default picture now being changed to a picture I took of him in a pink shit while he vistited antigua with a caption "real men wear pink" and another uploaded with HIM kissing his current girlfriend with a caption of his nickname for HER (she's not cute at all, nice body though) in almost the same exact pose as the one I put up.
I was about to puke.
GET A LIFE!
... vent over. I really want to delete him, but I feel it will be more drama and bitching than it's worth - atleast now it's only once a week... grr.
Monday, August 14, 2006
Goodbye?
4 months. That's when I might be headed to
I think the worst part came when he walked away. It didn't feel real until he hugged me goodbye, and upon exiting the hug I found myself clinging tighter.
I shed tears.
ME.
The initial ones, and I mean one or two, were stopped and shoved down. It wasn't until he handed the customs agent his passport, embarkment (spl?) tax slip, turned around to blow me one more kiss and walked away where I lost it.
I didn’t wait for him to turn around again. The second his back was to me and the tears started coming I bolted to the parking lot where my car was. There was no way I was about to have him turn around for a final look and see me like that.
4 months…
Sylvester (that’s what they call new years)
We’ll see...
Friday, August 11, 2006
Infatuation?
We were sitting in silence on the back porch watching the pelicans diving for fish when he turned to me and told me he thought he was falling in love with me.
I told him I didn't think he knew the difference between love and infatuation, then I reminded him he was leaving in 5 days.
He just kissed my hand and continued to drink his coffee... he's beautiful when he's thinking.
I told him I didn't think he knew the difference between love and infatuation, then I reminded him he was leaving in 5 days.
He just kissed my hand and continued to drink his coffee... he's beautiful when he's thinking.
Thursday, August 03, 2006
Monday, July 31, 2006
Broken
So we all know I just jumped out of normal nic clothes and committed to someone. (and just in case you didn't know... I did, I committed... bah) I'll be the first to tell you it was a very rash, unplanned event. All my nic senses are telling me to turn around and run, but I'm not listening. I'm going against instinct... but I'm sitting here wondering if it's really my "instinct" or if I'm just scared.
I'll be the first to tell people I'm broken. I am. I am broken. I dated two different men back to back during a time where I was growing and learning about others as well as myself- and I got burned. For 2 straight years I dealt with securities and insecurities of not only myself but others. I went from the self confident girl that just liked to cuddle, to the over analysing trustless individual you've all become accustomed to. I dated a man who sincerely believes he loves me that treated me like shit, and fled into the arms of a man who didn't love me but treated me like a queen.
Because of this I doubt.
Not others, but myself.
I don't know what I'm doing with this guy. God, he lives in GERMANY! GERMANY. In 14 days he's going to be gone and as much as I tell myself that maybe, just MAYBE I'll see him again, I know i won't. This isn't something that will work out in the long run. So what am I doing?
I tell myself I'm learning how to trust again - but I see myself pulling myself away from him. Doing things to anger him so he pushes me away.
I tell myself I'm learning how to be confident in myself again - but I only feel ugly and self concious when he tells me I'm beautiful.
I tell myself I'm myself again - but I don't even know who I am... how am I supposed to go back to normalcy?
I don't understand what I'm doing. I don't understand how I'm supposed to overcome this. I've tried talking about it to close friends... but it doesn't help. How is it that I feel nothing for my past, but my past is inhibiting how I feel for the present?
Who knows? Maybe I can't fix myself... maybe I need a German to fix me. Maybe, just maybe... I need to stop protecting myself and fall.
Maybe I'm just not as strong as I'd like to think I am.
I'll be the first to tell people I'm broken. I am. I am broken. I dated two different men back to back during a time where I was growing and learning about others as well as myself- and I got burned. For 2 straight years I dealt with securities and insecurities of not only myself but others. I went from the self confident girl that just liked to cuddle, to the over analysing trustless individual you've all become accustomed to. I dated a man who sincerely believes he loves me that treated me like shit, and fled into the arms of a man who didn't love me but treated me like a queen.
Because of this I doubt.
Not others, but myself.
I don't know what I'm doing with this guy. God, he lives in GERMANY! GERMANY. In 14 days he's going to be gone and as much as I tell myself that maybe, just MAYBE I'll see him again, I know i won't. This isn't something that will work out in the long run. So what am I doing?
I tell myself I'm learning how to trust again - but I see myself pulling myself away from him. Doing things to anger him so he pushes me away.
I tell myself I'm learning how to be confident in myself again - but I only feel ugly and self concious when he tells me I'm beautiful.
I tell myself I'm myself again - but I don't even know who I am... how am I supposed to go back to normalcy?
I don't understand what I'm doing. I don't understand how I'm supposed to overcome this. I've tried talking about it to close friends... but it doesn't help. How is it that I feel nothing for my past, but my past is inhibiting how I feel for the present?
Who knows? Maybe I can't fix myself... maybe I need a German to fix me. Maybe, just maybe... I need to stop protecting myself and fall.
Maybe I'm just not as strong as I'd like to think I am.
Sunday, July 16, 2006
Breathe
Last night german hottie made me wimper.
As in I couldn't breath for 5 seconds, my body started convulsing, and I wimpered...
European men, though they act a little fruity (they actually take care of themselves... shave... lotion up... smell good) are friggin amazing.
best part is - he did all this without me having to sleep with him. SCORE!
Backrub --> spasms --> sleep
life is good.
As in I couldn't breath for 5 seconds, my body started convulsing, and I wimpered...
European men, though they act a little fruity (they actually take care of themselves... shave... lotion up... smell good) are friggin amazing.
best part is - he did all this without me having to sleep with him. SCORE!
Backrub --> spasms --> sleep
life is good.
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
Chicks on chicks clothing
chicks on chicks clothing
Found a new upcoming artist's site - actually met her in Antigua, she dropped everything, bought a catamaran and decided to sail the world. Crazy.
Anyway she's tite, and I'm in love with her shirt with the mermaid on it. She gave me a free one - and it's pretty freakin cool. Anyway, good quality and the mermaid is actually the same as her tattoo and she put it on the shirt in the same place her tattoo is.
"rad"
she uses surfer slang, it's pretty cool.
nic out
Found a new upcoming artist's site - actually met her in Antigua, she dropped everything, bought a catamaran and decided to sail the world. Crazy.
Anyway she's tite, and I'm in love with her shirt with the mermaid on it. She gave me a free one - and it's pretty freakin cool. Anyway, good quality and the mermaid is actually the same as her tattoo and she put it on the shirt in the same place her tattoo is.
"rad"
she uses surfer slang, it's pretty cool.
nic out
tequila shot anyone?
German hottie is a good cuddler, and kisser, and is completely respectful.
Dammit
Now I think he's a nice guy.
Nice guys can't play with girls like me - his only saving grace is that he's leaving in a month... so I'll only have to play nice girl for another month or so.
I think I can do that.
Dammit
Now I think he's a nice guy.
Nice guys can't play with girls like me - his only saving grace is that he's leaving in a month... so I'll only have to play nice girl for another month or so.
I think I can do that.
Sunday, July 09, 2006
Problem
The CPE events are bringing about flashbacks from the KFP era. This is not good considering I took all those emotions and stuffed them waaaaaaaaay down inside myself so I wouldn't have to deal with them.
uh oh.
on another note - there are some hot german interns who are staying on my resort for the next month. It was a choice between tall blond goodlooking, or tall brune good looking (what do i call a male brown haired man? hmm... i'll settle for brune).
I chose the blond. He seems he like he would be a good cuddler... :)
uh oh.
on another note - there are some hot german interns who are staying on my resort for the next month. It was a choice between tall blond goodlooking, or tall brune good looking (what do i call a male brown haired man? hmm... i'll settle for brune).
I chose the blond. He seems he like he would be a good cuddler... :)
Friday, July 07, 2006
A Sign?
While dating KFP bought me two bracelets. One I lost, the other found its way into my Antigua things. I think I mentioned before how I was wearing it. I’m not sure if I told you I took it off because it was breaking.
I took it off the day before CPE came, who oddly enough gave me a bracelet he’d bought for me while on a work trip to Guyana. He had a 3 hour layover in Antigua and nagged me to death to meet him and his coworkers for lunch 2 days before a horrible biochem/genetics/physio test.
I took that as a sign and put it on, replacing the spot KFP’s bracelet had been.
I haven’t taken it off since. Last night while blogging about all the shenanigans that had just occurred I looked down and saw that the bracelet had begun unraveling.
Another sign?
Does this mean yet another end of an era. That the bracelet should come off to leave room to be replaced by another?
Does this mean I want the bracelet to be replaced by another?
I’ve been a heartless bitch for way too long. This girlishness is making my head hurt.
Bah humbug.
I took it off the day before CPE came, who oddly enough gave me a bracelet he’d bought for me while on a work trip to Guyana. He had a 3 hour layover in Antigua and nagged me to death to meet him and his coworkers for lunch 2 days before a horrible biochem/genetics/physio test.
I took that as a sign and put it on, replacing the spot KFP’s bracelet had been.
I haven’t taken it off since. Last night while blogging about all the shenanigans that had just occurred I looked down and saw that the bracelet had begun unraveling.
Another sign?
Does this mean yet another end of an era. That the bracelet should come off to leave room to be replaced by another?
Does this mean I want the bracelet to be replaced by another?
I’ve been a heartless bitch for way too long. This girlishness is making my head hurt.
Bah humbug.
The End of an Era
Well supposing you’ve read the previous blog entry you have some questions.
Trying to answer them will be a different story considering I don’t really know what’s going on in this fucked up head of mine.
CPE started acting weird about a week ago – right after I told him he was freaking me out and to back off a little. Then he started annoying me – giving me shit because I wasn’t calling him… asking personal questions dealing with my love life on the island, so on and so forth. Needless to day I backed off even more.
Then he started acting weird, as in weird weird. Not calling like he always did, and doing things that made me think he’d met some girl. Or course this really didn’t bother me – what bothered me was that he would give me shit for not calling him and putting the growing distant thing on me. He was projecting, I knew he was projecting, I turned into bitch mode.
Finally I got fed up and called him out. To which he starting rambling on some speech that he’d obviously prepared starting with the “I’ve been meaning to have a talk with you for some time, I met this girl last week blah blah...”
Let’s just get this straight – I never actually thought CPE and I would ever get back together. There are just too many things about him that I don’t like. Not to mention my family and friends absolutely hate him, and his recycling has been kept secret from everyone who knew me back when I actually dated him.
On that note – my thoughts on him meeting someone else being confirmed were odd. In some way it hurt, because he’d fought so hard for me to see he had changed yet within a couple days he just… changed his mind. On the other hand I was happy for him. Really really happy, because I knew we’d never be together and he’d finally met someone who accepted him.
So I was stuck there in this weird I’m hurt because I’m being selfish and I’m happy you’re happy mode, where I actually did shed some tears when he told me about said girl while at the same time trying to express to him that this was the best thing for him to do.
So I’m sitting here thinking – I should just stop talking to him again.
If I continue to speak to him, things will be awkward. I’m use to being number one, to having him drop everything for me. I’m also competitive and if this girl actually gets him to commit I’ll start playing stupid mind games – I know myself too well.
If I don’t speak to him he’ll just be hurt for awhile, and probably think I’m doing it because he hurt me, but at the same time he won’t have me to continuously run to and will focus his attention on the girl. He’ll probably commit, and without me in the back of his mind maybe even consider spending the rest of his life with the girl.
I really want him to be happy, I really really do. My broken ways shouldn’t hold him back just because I need someone to fall back on.
On a side note – this just really freaked me out – he bought me a bracelet (there is a story behind this I don’t feel like typing out) from when he was in Guyana and came to see me here – did I tell you guys about this? Hmm… I should update more. Anyway I just realized it broke. Tonight, the night he told me the thing is unraveling. Freakin weird, it was fine 3 hours ago wtf.
It’s a sign – the CPE era is over. I need to be strong for him and shut him out… for the last time.
*sigh*
Trying to answer them will be a different story considering I don’t really know what’s going on in this fucked up head of mine.
CPE started acting weird about a week ago – right after I told him he was freaking me out and to back off a little. Then he started annoying me – giving me shit because I wasn’t calling him… asking personal questions dealing with my love life on the island, so on and so forth. Needless to day I backed off even more.
Then he started acting weird, as in weird weird. Not calling like he always did, and doing things that made me think he’d met some girl. Or course this really didn’t bother me – what bothered me was that he would give me shit for not calling him and putting the growing distant thing on me. He was projecting, I knew he was projecting, I turned into bitch mode.
Finally I got fed up and called him out. To which he starting rambling on some speech that he’d obviously prepared starting with the “I’ve been meaning to have a talk with you for some time, I met this girl last week blah blah...”
Let’s just get this straight – I never actually thought CPE and I would ever get back together. There are just too many things about him that I don’t like. Not to mention my family and friends absolutely hate him, and his recycling has been kept secret from everyone who knew me back when I actually dated him.
On that note – my thoughts on him meeting someone else being confirmed were odd. In some way it hurt, because he’d fought so hard for me to see he had changed yet within a couple days he just… changed his mind. On the other hand I was happy for him. Really really happy, because I knew we’d never be together and he’d finally met someone who accepted him.
So I was stuck there in this weird I’m hurt because I’m being selfish and I’m happy you’re happy mode, where I actually did shed some tears when he told me about said girl while at the same time trying to express to him that this was the best thing for him to do.
So I’m sitting here thinking – I should just stop talking to him again.
If I continue to speak to him, things will be awkward. I’m use to being number one, to having him drop everything for me. I’m also competitive and if this girl actually gets him to commit I’ll start playing stupid mind games – I know myself too well.
If I don’t speak to him he’ll just be hurt for awhile, and probably think I’m doing it because he hurt me, but at the same time he won’t have me to continuously run to and will focus his attention on the girl. He’ll probably commit, and without me in the back of his mind maybe even consider spending the rest of his life with the girl.
I really want him to be happy, I really really do. My broken ways shouldn’t hold him back just because I need someone to fall back on.
On a side note – this just really freaked me out – he bought me a bracelet (there is a story behind this I don’t feel like typing out) from when he was in Guyana and came to see me here – did I tell you guys about this? Hmm… I should update more. Anyway I just realized it broke. Tonight, the night he told me the thing is unraveling. Freakin weird, it was fine 3 hours ago wtf.
It’s a sign – the CPE era is over. I need to be strong for him and shut him out… for the last time.
*sigh*
Easier
You should have just let me walk away, but you didn’t. Instead you made it your mission to make me change my mind. To show me you were a different person. To make me understand that all the things I knew about you were wrong – that you were worth it.
But in the end, as always, I was right.
Thankfully I didn’t let you in. I kept my independence. I kept the distance I had established between us just in case this situation arose, and like planned it did. Early enough for me not to fall into your trap, early enough for me to withhold doubt in my instincts. You, like always, were unreliable, and not worth my time.
In the long run you should have known I was too good for you. That you would never be accepted amongst my family and my peers as the person you wanted to be accepted as. They all hated you, they all hate you. I could never take you home nor could I take you out among them. I knew we would never amount to anything – but you kept trying to change my mind.
I won’t lie, I did give you chance. I told myself if you actually made it. If you actually did something in your life without my influence – without me pushing you, that I would give you the second chance you dreamed of. The one you begged for. The one you got on your knees and said you deserved because you had changed, right before I grabbed your face in my hands and told you that it wasn’t me you wanted but the chase.
In the end I was right.
You will never change. If it wasn’t now while I was indecisive, it would’ve been later when I had let you in. Thank god for my walls. Thank god for my lack of trust. Thank god I was already broken because with the show you put on, you might have done some real damage in a sane person.
Oddly enough I’m happy for you. I’ve always cared for your happiness – it just comes as a shock that I was right when you tried so hard to show me I was wrong.
You should have just let me walk away, but like we both know, I’m worth it – and you’ll never be able to do any better.
But in the end, as always, I was right.
Thankfully I didn’t let you in. I kept my independence. I kept the distance I had established between us just in case this situation arose, and like planned it did. Early enough for me not to fall into your trap, early enough for me to withhold doubt in my instincts. You, like always, were unreliable, and not worth my time.
In the long run you should have known I was too good for you. That you would never be accepted amongst my family and my peers as the person you wanted to be accepted as. They all hated you, they all hate you. I could never take you home nor could I take you out among them. I knew we would never amount to anything – but you kept trying to change my mind.
I won’t lie, I did give you chance. I told myself if you actually made it. If you actually did something in your life without my influence – without me pushing you, that I would give you the second chance you dreamed of. The one you begged for. The one you got on your knees and said you deserved because you had changed, right before I grabbed your face in my hands and told you that it wasn’t me you wanted but the chase.
In the end I was right.
You will never change. If it wasn’t now while I was indecisive, it would’ve been later when I had let you in. Thank god for my walls. Thank god for my lack of trust. Thank god I was already broken because with the show you put on, you might have done some real damage in a sane person.
Oddly enough I’m happy for you. I’ve always cared for your happiness – it just comes as a shock that I was right when you tried so hard to show me I was wrong.
You should have just let me walk away, but like we both know, I’m worth it – and you’ll never be able to do any better.
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