Day 1

LM told me "It takes 21 days to build a habit, and 21 days to break one."

With that being said this is day one. I gave him his xmas gift, which he loved on Sunday. Yesterday should have been day one, but he stupidly called me and I got these butterflies... and long story short. Today is day one.

I will break my habit of him.

I'm doing better. I had a date on saturday, very nice guy. Not sure if I can jump into anything right now, but he seems like a very down to earth, fun guy. If I'm not ready, maybe I can be his friend?

Let me back up:

This past thursday he dropped off my xmas gifts. I got a woobie, a book on wine, light blue satin sheets, and a ring from tiffany's. I'm nosy, and sneaky, and still very jealous... soooo I go to ebay, find his name, and figure out he not only bought me something from tiffany's... but something else from tiffany's for someone else. *sigh* so the "specialness" of my gift - per say - is now gone. But I guess it's the thought that counts. It's my door prize for fucking KP. I never called to say thank you. I thought he didn't care.

He did.

I wake up to about 10 text messages saturday morning that compiled go something like this:
"Merry christmas... since your not going to give me my gift can i at least get my jeans if your going to be cheap and u never... and it too much to sew them. drop them off or put them in the mail. I will pay the postage of drop them off at my neighbors or my truck. dont be a chris and hold my stuff against me...how fun you have turned this... i love that you told me that i am like him when your the tight ass that wont give me my pants... i am thedevil......................."

I wrote him back something harsh and he wrote me back and apologized, said he was upset that I didn't say thank you. Long story short he confessed he cared what was happening, and didn't understand how it got like this, blah blah blah - that he needed to figure things out. I told him to take whatever time he needed, and when he came to whatever realization he thought he needed to come to, to give me a call, and we get coffee or go to dinner or something.

He got his gift sunday. I got a lot of hugs, and catch up talk. He kept taking my picture, he loved the camera. Very awkward goodbye... I was quite and cold I guess, I just didn't want to see him.

He calls me randomly yesterday for directions: WHY!

But this is all pointless - basically this is day one. I'm doing well. Agreed to meet the guy from saturday tomorrow after I do happy hour with the girls. I don't think about him as much, but I do miss him.

I'll get over this. I'll read this later and see how pathetic it sounds. :) But I'll be stronger and wiser, and I couldn't ask for more.

I don't think it's hit me yet

I told him I want nothing to do with him. So he's gone. I cried a lot, my eyes still hurt. But it's done. I'm actually taking it pretty well. No pangs like I use to have when things ended.

He said he still wants to give me my presents for my birthday and xmas, and asked if I wanted to meet, or have him drop it off. I said drop it off. I don't really want to see him now that I've made this decision. I might get weak. I really did love him, and believed he did me. I guess you can't believe everything people tell you.

I just got of the phone with LM, havn't talked to her in AGES and told her what happened, she promised she'd be my new going out buddy. I'm meeting DC for drinks tomorrow night, she's been awesome so far. Annnnd I meet LH in 2 weeks for coffee... but I'm not too sure about that one. Who cares! YAY! FRIENDS! :)


Finally free!!! I actually feel relieved!!!

Idiot

So I like an idiot hung out with KP tonight. He was drunk, like he always is now, was pretty much in dick mode and annoyed me most of the night. We were with his friend T, and even he kept asking me why I put up with it. I debated leaving after we got back to KP's house and T left... not wanting to deal with drama. I should have. The first 10 minutes were good, we talked like normal... he's a lot angrier now. But then he checked his messages, and I could hear them...

Girls Voice: "Hey you, it's me" ... insert normal girl dating guy talk here

I bet it was fucking Erin Cooper... and I overheard something about maybe her seeing him in a couple weeks. Now I feel like I'm going to vomit. I left right after, I couldn't even stand being there, he's not even fun anymore. I guess I'm just clinging to the sweetheart I met... why did I STAY!!!

Damnit this hurts.

What the fuck is wrong with me!

Stronger

So I refuse to read my previous posts... I can already tell by the titles and remembering the way I was feeling at the moment that I'll feel pathetic and stupid after reading the way I was feeling at that time. But some things do that to you, and nobody's perfect. I know everyone has had those doubts and feelings, and some aren't strong enough to admit them. So there, because I can admit it I'm stronger than those who can't and that makes me feel a ton better. Or I can keep telling myself that and hope I'll start to believe it :).

Making things official with KP had helped a lot. I told him I valued his friendship more than anything else he and I were doing. I guess it was kinda liberating. I don't expect anything anymore, and it's making it easier. That and the fact that this time it was me ending it, which technically really makes it official. I can't continue with the whole situation unless we have a good talk and set some rules, and knowing he's leaving and all his reservations about everything I now want, I'm sure that's not going to happen.

I'm making myself branch out and go out. I've met a couple new girls, and though they live far from where I am, getting to know new people is always exciting, and I'm doing the whole learn about them learn about me thing. Gave my number out to a couple guys this past weekend, but I'm not really holding my breath for them to call, I'm not sure I'm comfortable with anyone yet. Them hitting on me in itself made me uncomfortable. WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?! I'm still basically stuck on KP. I can honestly say he's the first person I've dated due to personality alone, there's just a comfort there that I still can't explain. Even with that he still gave me problems.

So lets see:

I've dated the pretty boys - and they're always getting too much attention and piss me off.

I've dated the nice boys - and they too get too much attention from stupid girls and piss me off.

In fact I think I probably boost these stupid men's heads to a higher level just dating them, and for some odd reason they think they can do better. HAH... This all leads into my curse which i'll have to post later in it's own respective section.

My self esteem is slowly coming back, and I've learned some very valuable lessons through this whole ordeal. I mean the entire one - that started with CE almost a year and a half ago and is currently, hopefully, ending with KP now.

I feel like the haze I've been living in is lifting up off me.

Now I can focus on figuring out what I'm going to do for the rest of my life, and how I'm going to accomplish it.

"If you don't know where you're going, you'll probably end up some place else" - Yogi Berra

Broken

I'm scared.

I'm scared because the last time my heart and my mind disagreed, I ended up listening to my mind.

I'm scared because it took me over 2 years to finally get over that decision, thought in the end I know it was the right one... it's only because AG changed into someone he wasn't when I was with him through our distance.

I'm scared because CE ruined me, and I now have fears that I never had before dealing from little things, to relationships.

I'm scared because I look in the mirror and I don't understand who I'm becoming, and why I'm letting this happen to me, why I'm letting KE do this to me.

I'm scared because I'm trying to do what's best for me... but in the end I only feel better when I speak to him, and I know it's not right.

I'm scared because I know I have to move on, and as much as I try. I can't.

I'm scared because I depend on him, not only for friendship, but for everything - and I blame CE for breaking me.

I'm scared because I'm broken.

I'm scared because I let myself get broken.

I just want to be the old me, where I didn't give a shit about anyone and put myself first. It's just right now I'm scared because the only problem... is KE, and the fact that after 8 months... I'm still clinging to a hope he'll come around. Even though most of the time, I let him believe I don't give a shit. I let him believe I date others... even though I'm not.

I can't.

No one since him has interested me.

Fuck you CE, this is the reason you disgust me.

Look what you've done.

You broke me.