94 days

I went to the hospital today, to witness my first autopsy. It's horrible how detached I am from viewing a person as a person once they're opened up. It's also horrible how cool I thought the man looked all fresh vs. the cadavers we initially learned from. Ok ok sorry, let me back up.

47 year old man, sudden death, no history of illness, chronic alcohol abuse, unkempt appearance, drug use suspected. He was found face first in his living room by his niece holding his morning "spirit."

A family witness and police officer sat across from the pathologist who asked them each a series of questions like: how did you find him, any froth around his lips, any vomit noticed, does he have a history of disease, etc.

After questioning they took them into the room to identify the body. The rasta man's niece was surprisingly calm, identifying him and leaving with the rest of the family.

Then they cut off his clothes. I know it's horrible but I looked... the man had a MASSIVE penis. I tried not to stare, I swear. HUGE.

They went through the autopsy while another pathologist grilled us with questions. The I kept getting distracted by the autopsy... I wanted to cut. Is that weird?

She kept showing us body parts and I was giddy. I loved the heart the most, it was beautiful. The muscles and papillary fibers were perfect, a reminder of how fragile we really are. His lungs were horrible. Probably due to smoking and the such. Signs of emphysema were present... what a waste of an amazing organ. I saw his brain, more fluid than our "fixed" brains in anatomy. She cut into it and I saw the grey and white matter, I saw the adrenals, kidney, liver looking like they were covered with gloss... god I'm going crazy thinking about it.

I asked them if I could just come back and sit there while they cut and study - she laughed and said it would be fine. I don't know when I'll be able to do it, I have lab's in the morning when they do these, but dammit if I'm not going to try.

Too bad foreign medical grads have a slim to nothing chance of going into cardiology. That heart was amazing... *breathe*

You are so beautiful

Tonight I said goodbye to my fourth semesters. They've been here for what seems like eternity, and tonight... was their last night. I straightened my hair (unheard of in this humidity) and dressed up - yes I know, very unlike me. Back home no one knows my hair is curly. I maintained. Here it's a big deal, I apparently look very different.

One person who always mentioned this was TB. In the old house, the power was 220V. European standard I guess. Here in the new house, we're at a good ol' american 110V. This means I can use a blow dryer. Needless to say TB has only seen me in curly. He's always wanted to see straight. He loved my hair - always played with it when he wasn't supposed to.

*General rule* Curly hair does not = running fingers through hair. Then you end up with a troll.

I come back home and he's on skype. It's 4:30 his time - mr. TB is up late studying. We get to talking, and I tell him I went out. He calls and I have the video set up.

Now during this whole ordeal my roomie and pseudo are running around trying to pack up pseudo's stuff. She's a fourth semester... she's leaving me too :(.

The second the video kicks in and there's a silence of about a minute. The internet on the island isn't always very reliable so I keep saying hello - to make sure he's there. The roomie is running around trying to figure out where pseudo's stuff is, and they're arguing about what she's going to leave here and take with here. She's seriously leaving us about 300 dollars worth of stuff. Then I hear a: "You look really nice."

Damn him, he saw me blush.

Since the break up we havn't really discussed... us. I havn't told him how much I miss him - wait no, I did - kinda. I've been thinking "dammit, why the hell am I attached to someone when he and I are both too busy?" I've been repressing...

So I laughed his comment off, and asked him if he's going to get the highest grade on his exams again (he's so freakin smart, a scholarship to one of the most competitive top ranked universities in EUROPE, AND he's getting the highest marks - god that's so hot). Again another silence:

"Sometimes I really miss you -- but only a little bit"

*insert scrambling roomie and pseudo in the background*
At this very moment roomie pops up behind me: "HI TB!"

DOH!

There went my moment. I take out my headphones and he talks to her a second - at which time I tell him I need to get back to studying.

I copped out, I KNOW... I can't seem to deal with this nonesense! UGH!

So I'm waiting for him to close his video tab - and... nothing. He just leaves it on... I decide to go on my merry little way studying -- knowing he's watching me.

about 20 minutes later he tells me he's going to bed. I say goodnight - and again there's silence.

he types to me "You are so beautiful" via skype vs. saying it and signs off before I can reply.

For some freakin reason - that really hit me.

It hit me because he acknowledged how I wanted him to feel, and for some reason convinced myself he wasn't feeling it. It hit me because he DOESN'T express himself like that, or put himself in a situation where he can be burned... EVER. It hit me because I couldn't respond. It hit me because I had my chance to spill my guts and missed it. AND DAMMIT IT HIT ME BECAUSE I MISS HIM AND I CAN'T EVER HAVE HIM!

Damn him! :( Germany is still too far away...

I need to be over this