Broken

So we all know I just jumped out of normal nic clothes and committed to someone. (and just in case you didn't know... I did, I committed... bah) I'll be the first to tell you it was a very rash, unplanned event. All my nic senses are telling me to turn around and run, but I'm not listening. I'm going against instinct... but I'm sitting here wondering if it's really my "instinct" or if I'm just scared.

I'll be the first to tell people I'm broken. I am. I am broken. I dated two different men back to back during a time where I was growing and learning about others as well as myself- and I got burned. For 2 straight years I dealt with securities and insecurities of not only myself but others. I went from the self confident girl that just liked to cuddle, to the over analysing trustless individual you've all become accustomed to. I dated a man who sincerely believes he loves me that treated me like shit, and fled into the arms of a man who didn't love me but treated me like a queen.

Because of this I doubt.

Not others, but myself.

I don't know what I'm doing with this guy. God, he lives in GERMANY! GERMANY. In 14 days he's going to be gone and as much as I tell myself that maybe, just MAYBE I'll see him again, I know i won't. This isn't something that will work out in the long run. So what am I doing?

I tell myself I'm learning how to trust again - but I see myself pulling myself away from him. Doing things to anger him so he pushes me away.
I tell myself I'm learning how to be confident in myself again - but I only feel ugly and self concious when he tells me I'm beautiful.
I tell myself I'm myself again - but I don't even know who I am... how am I supposed to go back to normalcy?

I don't understand what I'm doing. I don't understand how I'm supposed to overcome this. I've tried talking about it to close friends... but it doesn't help. How is it that I feel nothing for my past, but my past is inhibiting how I feel for the present?

Who knows? Maybe I can't fix myself... maybe I need a German to fix me. Maybe, just maybe... I need to stop protecting myself and fall.

Maybe I'm just not as strong as I'd like to think I am.

Breathe

Last night german hottie made me wimper.

As in I couldn't breath for 5 seconds, my body started convulsing, and I wimpered...

European men, though they act a little fruity (they actually take care of themselves... shave... lotion up... smell good) are friggin amazing.

best part is - he did all this without me having to sleep with him. SCORE!

Backrub --> spasms --> sleep

life is good.

Chicks on chicks clothing

chicks on chicks clothing

Found a new upcoming artist's site - actually met her in Antigua, she dropped everything, bought a catamaran and decided to sail the world. Crazy.

Anyway she's tite, and I'm in love with her shirt with the mermaid on it. She gave me a free one - and it's pretty freakin cool. Anyway, good quality and the mermaid is actually the same as her tattoo and she put it on the shirt in the same place her tattoo is.

"rad"

she uses surfer slang, it's pretty cool.

nic out

tequila shot anyone?

German hottie is a good cuddler, and kisser, and is completely respectful.

Dammit

Now I think he's a nice guy.

Nice guys can't play with girls like me - his only saving grace is that he's leaving in a month... so I'll only have to play nice girl for another month or so.

I think I can do that.

Problem

The CPE events are bringing about flashbacks from the KFP era. This is not good considering I took all those emotions and stuffed them waaaaaaaaay down inside myself so I wouldn't have to deal with them.

uh oh.

on another note - there are some hot german interns who are staying on my resort for the next month. It was a choice between tall blond goodlooking, or tall brune good looking (what do i call a male brown haired man? hmm... i'll settle for brune).

I chose the blond. He seems he like he would be a good cuddler... :)

A Sign?

While dating KFP bought me two bracelets. One I lost, the other found its way into my Antigua things. I think I mentioned before how I was wearing it. I’m not sure if I told you I took it off because it was breaking.

I took it off the day before CPE came, who oddly enough gave me a bracelet he’d bought for me while on a work trip to Guyana. He had a 3 hour layover in Antigua and nagged me to death to meet him and his coworkers for lunch 2 days before a horrible biochem/genetics/physio test.

I took that as a sign and put it on, replacing the spot KFP’s bracelet had been.

I haven’t taken it off since. Last night while blogging about all the shenanigans that had just occurred I looked down and saw that the bracelet had begun unraveling.

Another sign?

Does this mean yet another end of an era. That the bracelet should come off to leave room to be replaced by another?

Does this mean I want the bracelet to be replaced by another?

I’ve been a heartless bitch for way too long. This girlishness is making my head hurt.

Bah humbug.

The End of an Era

Well supposing you’ve read the previous blog entry you have some questions.

Trying to answer them will be a different story considering I don’t really know what’s going on in this fucked up head of mine.

CPE started acting weird about a week ago – right after I told him he was freaking me out and to back off a little. Then he started annoying me – giving me shit because I wasn’t calling him… asking personal questions dealing with my love life on the island, so on and so forth. Needless to day I backed off even more.

Then he started acting weird, as in weird weird. Not calling like he always did, and doing things that made me think he’d met some girl. Or course this really didn’t bother me – what bothered me was that he would give me shit for not calling him and putting the growing distant thing on me. He was projecting, I knew he was projecting, I turned into bitch mode.

Finally I got fed up and called him out. To which he starting rambling on some speech that he’d obviously prepared starting with the “I’ve been meaning to have a talk with you for some time, I met this girl last week blah blah...”

Let’s just get this straight – I never actually thought CPE and I would ever get back together. There are just too many things about him that I don’t like. Not to mention my family and friends absolutely hate him, and his recycling has been kept secret from everyone who knew me back when I actually dated him.

On that note – my thoughts on him meeting someone else being confirmed were odd. In some way it hurt, because he’d fought so hard for me to see he had changed yet within a couple days he just… changed his mind. On the other hand I was happy for him. Really really happy, because I knew we’d never be together and he’d finally met someone who accepted him.

So I was stuck there in this weird I’m hurt because I’m being selfish and I’m happy you’re happy mode, where I actually did shed some tears when he told me about said girl while at the same time trying to express to him that this was the best thing for him to do.

So I’m sitting here thinking – I should just stop talking to him again.

If I continue to speak to him, things will be awkward. I’m use to being number one, to having him drop everything for me. I’m also competitive and if this girl actually gets him to commit I’ll start playing stupid mind games – I know myself too well.

If I don’t speak to him he’ll just be hurt for awhile, and probably think I’m doing it because he hurt me, but at the same time he won’t have me to continuously run to and will focus his attention on the girl. He’ll probably commit, and without me in the back of his mind maybe even consider spending the rest of his life with the girl.

I really want him to be happy, I really really do. My broken ways shouldn’t hold him back just because I need someone to fall back on.

On a side note – this just really freaked me out – he bought me a bracelet (there is a story behind this I don’t feel like typing out) from when he was in Guyana and came to see me here – did I tell you guys about this? Hmm… I should update more. Anyway I just realized it broke. Tonight, the night he told me the thing is unraveling. Freakin weird, it was fine 3 hours ago wtf.

It’s a sign – the CPE era is over. I need to be strong for him and shut him out… for the last time.

*sigh*

Easier

You should have just let me walk away, but you didn’t. Instead you made it your mission to make me change my mind. To show me you were a different person. To make me understand that all the things I knew about you were wrong – that you were worth it.

But in the end, as always, I was right.

Thankfully I didn’t let you in. I kept my independence. I kept the distance I had established between us just in case this situation arose, and like planned it did. Early enough for me not to fall into your trap, early enough for me to withhold doubt in my instincts. You, like always, were unreliable, and not worth my time.

In the long run you should have known I was too good for you. That you would never be accepted amongst my family and my peers as the person you wanted to be accepted as. They all hated you, they all hate you. I could never take you home nor could I take you out among them. I knew we would never amount to anything – but you kept trying to change my mind.

I won’t lie, I did give you chance. I told myself if you actually made it. If you actually did something in your life without my influence – without me pushing you, that I would give you the second chance you dreamed of. The one you begged for. The one you got on your knees and said you deserved because you had changed, right before I grabbed your face in my hands and told you that it wasn’t me you wanted but the chase.

In the end I was right.

You will never change. If it wasn’t now while I was indecisive, it would’ve been later when I had let you in. Thank god for my walls. Thank god for my lack of trust. Thank god I was already broken because with the show you put on, you might have done some real damage in a sane person.

Oddly enough I’m happy for you. I’ve always cared for your happiness – it just comes as a shock that I was right when you tried so hard to show me I was wrong.

You should have just let me walk away, but like we both know, I’m worth it – and you’ll never be able to do any better.

Sex, money and maybe some self reflection

There are times when I feel I’m grown, that I surpass my peers and can actually look at things objectively, that I know myself and know when I’m overacting or being unreasonable. Then there are times when I look in the mirror and think, holy shit, you are 23 years old – who the hell are you?

So lets see, I’m stuck on this god forsaken island. I don’t have a job yet, I really don’t know anything that’ll happen after the USMLE step 1 except that I’ll hopefully be doing my clinicals in NYC and that I’ll be getting paid practically nothing when I’m doing my rotations. Then I think about money, and how I’m already 30 something grand in the hole, and by the time I reach step 1 I’ll be about 100 grand in. Not mentioning clinical tuition after that and yeah – my rotations, I can’t even think that far ahead without wanting to bang my head against the wall.

Next I think about love. Heaven forbid I have time to fall in love. If I surpass my time difficulty my standards are so effing high that FINDING him will be a chore. Or say I find him, and all I have time for is – well I’m sure you’ve all seen ER or grey’s anatomy or all those other shows on TV that try to explain the life of a medical student – gah! Who has time for anything anymore – and yeah I’ll say it, I want kids. When the hell am I going to be able to pop out my 2.5 kids and have my perfect family with debt the size of Mt Everest and a job that has me on call 24/7?

Then I look to the people on this island, my so called peers. Am I really a snob? I can’t stand 99% of these people. The second I get close to any of them – well lets see.
- We have the bitch who stole my IPOD
- We have sp, who is so friggin annoying – and whose ego has become overblown (but that’s another blog)
- We have… I’ll name him the midget – an annoying immature equadorian kid who whenever he speaks I want to bang my head against the walls. He’s more of a girl than I am and cries about everything
- We have scary naked guy
- Freaky MD
aaaaaaaaaahosifjoseijhwer

The men are disgusting, the women are whores – and I’m sitting here staring at them thinking “how the hell is that it I feel like the prude here?!”

Granted… as much as it’s hard to believe, I guess I am somewhat prudish considering I hate one night stands and make a man converse with me before I drunkenly make out with him – and no, you can’t come home with me the first night we meet even if you do only want to cuddle (HA!)

*dramatic pause*

So again I sit here and wonder, is it me? Am I the freak who doesn’t know how the world works? Should I know that it only revolves around sex and money?

Uh oh

I'm in a weird place right now. My normal sarcasm is currently being replaced by seriousness and deep thought.

*pause*

yes well, it shocked me too.

I am constantly amazed by how small trivial things mean the world to someone at a certain point in their life.

Recently I've been thinking of KFP a lot. A lot a lot. A lot as in for some freakin reason everything seems to be relating to him. My ipod is constantly playing out break up songs (yes i know why do i have them if i don't want to listen to them... blah blah blah). Movies that we use to watch are constantly the only things on TV. People keep talking about jack johnson... that's a big me and KFP sex thing. Some bracelet he bought for me found its way into my antigua things and I'm currently wearing it... so that in itself is reminding me constantly (so take it off you say? yes... well that would be the easy way out).

So I wrote him an e mail. No not a weird i miss you e mail, but an e mail that just said "yo, I havn't spoken to you in over a year, and now I want to tell you what's been going on in my life even though I ignored your attempts at getting in touch with me because I didn't give a rats ass about how you and the hooker you left me for are doing." *breathe*

He hasn't written back.

I'm not sure if it's a good or bad thing.

I havn't written to him in this long because I really didn't think I wanted to hear how he's been doing. I mean, he really really hurt me. He's turned me into the heartless bitch that seems to come out when I find a good guy - and the wimpering idiot when I find a jackass. I frankly didn't want to hear "sorry I hurt you," or "I'm getting married to the slut I left you for even though she's only 19," or "I want you back," because I wouldn't know how to handle it. I wouldn't want to hear it. I wouldn't want to deal with it. I wouldn't care - point blank.

So why did I write him you ask?

Because for some odd reason I miss him. I want to hear he's doing ok. I don't want to really... converse, but I want to open that door back up.

Confusing? yes.

Hell I don't even get it myself.

like I said... uh oh.

The flight of the bumblebee

So things here are… well ugh – it’s Antigua, it’ll never be home. School is… school. I’m liking my biochemistry class a lot – yet everyone around me seems to hate it. Odd. Eh, I guess I just have a different learning ability. I like biochem, maybe I should’ve gone into research… I’m starting to lean towards pediatrics. I love kids. I want to do some pro bono work atleast one month out of the year out of country, and although pediatricians don’t make that much money… well – I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it.

We had a boat full of navy boys pull in this week. I’ve never been so ashamed of my fellow Americans. From bar fights, to puking on themselves, to running around naked on our beach, to flat out being rude – they sure did represent our country well. It’s pretty bad when I’m stuck on this god forsaken island and I don’t find a single one of them attractive because of their lack of manners. They pretty much disgusted me, and should be ashamed of themselves. On the other hand I did meet some really cool ones, I met a cook who other than being really young showed me his camera with almost everything he’s experienced on his first cruise. He’d come from a very poor white trashish area and the things he was witnessing and the places he was going, not to mention the amount of money he was getting paid to experience it all was overwhelming him. He was an artist, showed me a couple of his drawings, his camera had films of planes taking off and landing on the aircraft carrier that he was going to show his family back home. I met an older man who’d been enlisted for 17 years. He was very respectful and kept apologizing about all the “young’uns botherin’ us”. It was cute. Anyway – I slacked off most of the week either talking to them, or one of sp’s friends that came to visit.

That is a story within itself. Sp brought a girl into town. She’s cute, not hot but cute, typical blonde, not a very athletic body – just skinny. Anyway he’s completely in love with her – and she… she can’t stand him. So she’s been clinging to me for dear life, poor girl. Therefore sp’s been skipping class to be with her, and basically smothering her – while she runs away and tries to hang out with me as much as possible. She assumed she’d be visiting a close friend, he thought he’d be having lots and lots of sex.

*sigh*

men are idiots.

Speaking of idiots – CPE. He’s definitely fighting for me, you can’t blame a guy for trying. It’s pretty bad how he knows me as well as he does, because he’s doing everything right. He’s giving me space but at the same time sending emails saying the right thing. It’s hard because I know I’ll never want to be with him, I know we’ll never work, I know I’ll get sick of him easily, but at a distance non of that seems to matter and I find myself smiling at his e mails, laughing at his corny jokes… UGH!!! WHAT THE HELL!!! He also wants to come and visit. I’m torn between knowing it’ll be a bad idea, and wanting him to come – just for a couple of days.

I just want to cuddle, is that so bad?

Ha.

Lottery

I went to a baseball game.

On the way there the bums had lined themselves up begging for money. I being the gullible person I am and reached into my wallet for a dollar and gave it to one of them in passing without looking back. I heard him scream in surprise yelling “thank you thank you thank you” after me. “Weird,” I thought to myself, “It was just a dollar.”

There was a man behind me taking his little boy to the game. They were probably walking about ten paces behind us, the little boy on his shoulder. I heard the man tell his little boy “see? She just made that man’s day. Just watch she’ll win the lottery for that.”

I remember thinking wow – a dollar to a bum is going a long way these days. So I started thinking hmm, maybe being nice isn’t so bad after all. I’ll give more bums dollar bills instead of change. My spirits start lifting, it was a great day for a game, I was with my friends, what could go wrong?

I go to buy my ticket.

Prior to seeing the bum, I had three dollar bills and a twenty in my wallet. Guess what I found when counting up my money to give the boys for my ticket.

Three dollars.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!!!

I GAVE THE FREAKIN BUM TWENTY DOLLARS!!! NOW HE’S GOING TO RUN AND EITHER GET A SHITLOAD OF DRUGS AND OD OR DRINK HIMSELF TO DEATH.

I better win the lottery.

I’m in medical school – I’m the one that should be begging on the side of the road for money.

DAMMIT!

Karma… I’m counting on you now.

Recycling

The inevitable happened, I recycled CPE. I’m ashamed to actually admit it, but I would like to throw in there that I was drunk… both times. Oops.

It was a definite booty call. He was on assignment somewhere near me, or atleast near enough. He called me while I was drunk and, well, I wake up naked in his hotel room (it was very comfortable by the way) sore as hell. Apparently not having sex for almost a year made the experience mirror the loss of my virginity. OWIE. Lesson learned. Hurt even more the next night… yes I tried.

Contrary to popular belief I really am a good girl. I’ve only slept with the same amount of men as I have loved - hence, my recycling ability. Sex with strangers is dirty – I know of too many things that could go wrong or things you can contract that would definitely NOT make it worth it.

Here’s the bad part. He told me he loved me after…

*banging head against the wall*

I tried explaining to him that the only reason he thought he loved me is because I’m the only girl that’s rejected him. He’s a pretty boy. The kid snaps his fingers and has girls falling all over him. I asked him if he really loved me why he fucked up… over and over again. Why when I left him the first time and he had almost won me back did he revert back to his old ways. I tried explaining to him that it’s not me he wanted, but the chase. I tried to be as blunt as possible. I DO care about him… I just wish he wasn’t still hung up on me. I don’t want to lead him on, I know how that feels.

Ugh I feel horrible.

But there it is. I recycled. He was too big – it hurt. Now my lust for sex is gone and it’s been replaced by a need for cuddling, and movies, and kissing, and ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

WHAT THE HELL HAS HAPPENED TO ME!!!

Miss me?

So it’s been awhile since I’ve blogged, I know you’ve missed me. Things at home got pretty hectic, I have a lot of stories – I’ll write down the ones I want to get into here, and start typing them up in word and post them when I get internet access (which is rare nowadays).

I’m back in Antigua. I ran into sp at the airport. I think we’re in a happy place with that whole thing. What isn’t spoken about never happened right? Right. I also ran into the scary naked guy with his fupa’ed girlfriend. Know what a fupa is? “Fat Upper _____ Area.” Her boobs touch her fupa.

Nasty.

I was looking around for any fresh meat that might be the new med 1 class at the airport, and was sorely disappointed. Once again there are no attractive males on this island. Well actually… there’s an upperclassmen I met last semester. He’s a model from Miami. I mean I know what you’re thinking, MODEL?! WOW! No. He’s not that hot, but he takes great pictures. The kid is amazing on film. He also looks pretty damn good without his shirt on, but that’s beside the point. I’m in Antigua, which means my standards are much lower, and dammit I miss cuddling. I’m at that point where I’ve been single long enough that my hatred for a relationship has been replaced by a nagging crave for snuggling and wanting to do cutesy things that I would have gagged at a month ago.

*sigh*

I’m still plotting to get my ipod back. This requires being nice to the bitch, which depresses me. I’m not a happy camper in class when she sits next to me. But I plaster on that smile like the good little faker I am and suck it up. When I get my ipod back I’m going to elbow her.

And maybe pull her hair a little. (see video’s below)

Grr.

Girl Fight!

So - after watching a news special about how some teenagers stuck up a girlfight on myspace, I decided I was going to find said girlfight and watch it.

I found so much more.



Some are rather disturbing.


That girl at the end had a knife...


Don't mind the knocked out girl in the corner... she's fine - wait did I get blood on my purse?

Now I'm searching youtube which has much much more...

Men fighting is not as amusing, I wonder why that is...

Queasy

Went to grandlittle's birthday "party" tonight. JE showed up with R. My heart dropped.

Just when I thought I was a heartless bitch... I guess I do have feelings.

Home

Dead tired, yet feel the need to update.

- Came home to horrible horrible cold rain. HORRIBLE
- Taught a man how to play sudoku on the plane... after he told me about how his daughter is my age and is getting married... *sigh*
- Saw my dog had grown to resemble a pumpkin, and upon asking my mother how that came to be she replied "he won't stop looking at me when i eat!"... the dog no longer walks, he WADDLES! BAH!
- Ate steak. Actually I SNARFED it, it was amazing. I have had steak since getting home... I've been very content
- Saw my friends, things are right in the world. After being attacked, tackled and having my eardrums blown out by their screaming we went out and got shitty.
- I saw no attractive men out
- I am now very depressed
- CPE drunk dialed me, and thankfully I didn't meet him while he was in town, NO RECYCLING FOR ME! - damn? eh, don't know how I feel about that.
- Went shopping, got new jeans that make my butt look nice. Two actually. I've missed shopping.
- ALG somehow found out i'm home, and called me. wtf

mmm... that's it, can't think of anymore. I'm going to try to exercise my dog tomorrow. What a fatass.

R.I.P Stumpy

Yesterday I saw something that is better left unseen, something that you witness and can't forget...

Somewhere between my friend's villa and my villa - walking towards my friend's car enroute to pick me up (my location is difficult to describe, bear with me) I heard moans. Weird, kind of... yelps, I guess is the best way to describe it.

I saw it was coming from my neighbors house, I saw my neighbor crouched over the passenger door of his car - and yes the WORST came to mind. You don't normally hear a 80 something year old man make those sounds, the easiest assumption leads to viagra involvement.

I'll leave you with that thought.

But I was sorely mistaken. The site I witnessed was much worse.

I am an animal lover. Cute animals, ugly animals, soft and cuddly, weird and scaley. I think they're all cute. No joke. Most tame animals don't scare me and I'll pet any stray animal I come across not thinking about the millions of gross things they could be carrying on them (my excuse is that I haven't taken micro yet, ignorance is bliss).

Introducing stumpy. The horribly ugly sailing dog this old man found as a puppy - who due to some unfortunate accident no longer has a tail. She has a chip on her shoulder. Doesn't like men (I'm assuming the male atiguan workers don't treat her very well - they usually kick, spit, inflict harm, etc. etc.) and usually attacks sp whenever he's walking towards my house alone. But she likes me. She included my house in her daily checks, coming onto my deck and poking her head in seemingly saying hi before running off to her own house checking her owner's boat for lizards. When studying on my back porch she comes over and sits with me keeping me company and sticking her head on my knee. Whenever she hears my voice she - ok long story short I thought the dog was adorable and needed love - and everyone else thought she was ugly.

Apparently my neighbor's "girlfriend" (I really think she's a hooker, but I dunno - he's kind of coo coo) had taken the car to get gas. Stumpy loves feeling the wind on her awkward face and went along. Girlfriend gets out of car... (see where I'm going with this?)

Stumpy doesn't.

It was hot yesterday, it must've easily hit 150 F in that car in about 15 minutes, stumpy would've been dead in 30 - heat stroke most likely.

I witnessed my old neighbor realizing where his stumpy had been for the entire day, trying to cuddle the dog back to life.

It was horrible.

From the
oh oh oh oh OH NO STUMPY! oh oh oh oh *sob* what happened *sob* the poor little thing *sob* oh oh oh stumpy wake up
to him pounding on stumpy's chest trying to bring her back with some sort of doggie CPR... I stood there torn between continuing my walk towards the car that was supposed to pick me up, and trying to help (which consisted of my staring at this poor man trying to bring the more that dead dog back to life.)

I hate witnessing death. It'll probably be one of the worst things I'll have to learn to deal with being a doctor. Death is a natural thing - but after witnessing this - selfish I know - I can't wait to go home and smother my dog with cuddles and all sorts of shenanigans that'll spoil him and make him even more of a pain for my unsuspecting parents.

p.s. I went over later to see if the old man was alright - and he already has himself a new puppy.

*sigh*

RIP Stumpy.

Fried chicken anyone?

"Effective March 7th, all personal items that AUA students and faculty bring into the island will be subject to a customs tax. This means that at the airport, customs officials can and will appraise your items like laptops, text books etc. and tax you based on the type and price of each item.

There's also an additional environmental tax on certain items (like fridges and microwaves).

For the past two years, AUA students and faculty were exempt from this tax but a recent cabinet meeting has changed all that.

So, you might want to have cash on hand if you are flying back into the island."

As if this island hasn't sucked me dry yet... these greedy bastards fucking do this. You'd think with all the fucking custom's "taxes" we've been subject to, antigua could have i dunno... roads that are DRIVABLE, people who DIDN'T live below the poverty line, more than ONE hospital for the 80,000 locals on the 10x10 sq mile island... but no

These fucking greedy bitches will decide to charge us based on how much they want to stick in their pockets. Pieces of shit. Then they'll go eat more fried chicken.

Fuckers.

I hate corruption.

I would just like to say

That last blog WAS depressing. I'd blame PMS but I can't...

Therefore I blame my lack of an IPOD and the bitch who stole it.

I can't sleep.

blah.