Antigua

So I haven't been here in awhile - almost a month from a time when I came on about 4 - 5 times a day to vent my frustrations.

Things here are pretty good - I mean it's definitly a change. The plane ride over took about 12 hours (ack) the drive to my hotel was scary to say the least (I thought antigua was all dirt roads, chickens and goats) and my first night was definitly memorable. A fellow OLDER (yuck yuck vomit gross) classmate called my room (pedophile, sexist, nasty pig) and asked if I would like to come to his room and jump around naked.

*moment of dramatic silence*

yes you heard me right, I said he found my room number, figured out how to somehow call my hotel room, and asked me if I wanted to come over and get naked.

Another moment of silence for the scary man

He said the words "I wanted to know since we're both new here if you want to come over and get naked"

AHHHHHHHHHH GROSS!!!

So yeah, little ol' pampered me got scared shitless, a million mosquitos had a feast at my expense, and I woke up at 2 am to find that my room had no toilet paper and I had to use the rest room... BAD.

Anyway it all brightened up when it got light out, I got my permanent housing (which is on a resort by the way) and I hightailed it away from scary naked guy as fast as I could.

He's in all my classes.

I want to puke when I see him - ew ew gross ack!

So yeah, housing is nice. I have a big bed, with a balcony overlooking the jolly harbour. My front yard is a tropical beach. Good thing I can't enjoy it - DAMMIT. I've been here 4 weeks and i've been to the beach 4 times. One time counts as today where I said fuck it, got off the bus, marched my ass straight onto the beach, plopped down and watch my first sunset on the water. In the east coast all you get are sun rises.

I took chronological pictures - dammit. IT WAS PRETTY!

There is only ONE I mean ONE attractive guy here, and he's not even that cute. He has funky teeth, and last week he made a pass at me (speaking of, this island must have pheromones floating around it cause GODDAMN I'M ITCHIN FOR ASS) and he ended up being the worst kisser and weirdly aggressive hook up i've ever had.

I didn't like it.

Now he grosses me out. Ew yuck.

He also thinks I like him because I guess sometime before I made a comment that went something like this:
"I don't kiss someone unless I mean it."

Yeah well I forgot to mention how long I mean it...

Anyway it wasn't worth arguing while we were on the beach right after hooking up sooooooooo... I let it slide. It's easier getting rid of him if he thinks he's doing it anyway - even if he did have a small penis.

No really - he did - what a waste. He has an awesome body, freaking big ass hands and feet, pretty blue eyes

and a small penis

ack!

WHAT AM I GOING TO DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

ok enough of that... I need to study for my exam on thurs.

And I miss music - did I mention that?

and steak

and pizza hut

and mcdonalds

and

and

and

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

nic out.

Crazy boys...

So I never really thought I had player status. I thought I was just... free spirited? Till I decided to leave the country.

HO

LY

SHITE

From R calling me trying to see me one last time (not gonna happen buddy), to ALG calling me crying... CRAYING!? ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME! I never talk to him... To an old friend confessing his love and asking me on a date the night I have to pack (seriously now, I had to pack up my life) to J calling me drunk making sure I'm coming to see him on new years.

Where the eff did they come from!

I wish I had just left the country and hadn't told anyone. My friends are all giving me guilt trips too, especially the Jamaica girls.

AND I got an HP laptop and jenn just freaked me out about it.

*sigh*

I might not be blogging for awhile, until atleast after Jan 3 :) MISS ME!

HOLY RUSH!!!

So I got into the med school, and before I let myself think about it I put down a non refundable housing deposit and registration fee totalling $750.

Then I called and cancelled the trip to Jamaica with the girls.

My life since has been a blurry mess. I bought plan tickets only to find out the travel agent messed up and instead of a return flight on April 21, he made it JAN 21!!! ACK! So I'm freaking out, because I need that ticket to fax to Antigua to get a letter I need to show immigration stating I intend on studying in their fine country and without it I'M SCREEEEEEEEWED!

I need a laptop.

Now.

My other one (oh yeah you guys don't know this story) - ok well it basically blew up.

BOOM

Never buy TOSHIBA, stupid piece of ....

I got my formal acceptance last night, I blogged on the other blog I was leaving and then...

my phone exploded.

Not like the laptop boom, more like everyone and their mother called me their first statements being "WHAT THE FUCK?!"

yeah.

I'm going to med school guys, keep your fingers crossed.

WHORE!

I found this rather amusing...


































..



..

The Beltway

Repost from Sunday December 11, 2005 of my other blog



I squint my eyes as I try to refocus on the road before me, my blurred vision temporarily focused in my attempt. I reach for the volume dial making linkin park and their rage louder to try and drown my own out. I check my speed... 80, not bad, maybe I should slow down. I've made it three-fourths of the way around the beltway, I'm calm by now - right when I see the mormon church directly ahead of me. "Wow it's bright," I think to myself...

"Don't know what you're expecting of me," Linkin Parks lyrics jolting me back to reality. "Yeah really," I mutter to myself and I once again re-adjust my speed to a "I don't want a ticket so I'm going to be good" speed.

I don't know how it happened, but it did, once again I let them push me to the point where I'm tearing myself up wondering why I have all my flaws. I replay how it started over and over not understanding how the situation escalated. Me at the computer, just getting home from the day of errands - father wanting me to do something, somehow my life being brought up. How does this happen?

Experience let me know what was headed my way when the usual examples were thrown at me as I grabbed my coat and shoes walking silently to the garage door in my socks. "This isn't the way to deal with this" my mother yells at me as I stop in the garage to slip my feet into my boots, my father still loudly muttering my faults from somewhere within. "Come back and talk to him!" But I keep walking, silently with determination - knowing that whatever I do or say will end in me sitting on our couch listening to how I've ruined my life leaving my self esteem worse off than it was when I came home.

I turn on my car and take a deep breath - this is the first time I'm actually standing up for myself. The first time I was brave enough to keep quiet, to turn my back, to walk away and show them I don't need them - even though their support is all that's kept me going the past year.

As I put my car in reverse I know there's no turning back, when I get to the stop sign at the end of my street I just want to turn around and go home.

I reach for my bag, "Shit," I mumble realizing I don't have my cell phone. Silently thanking myself for forgetting it - who would I call? I don't want people seeing me like this - I'm not supposed to have a temper. I am the happy one, the responsible one, I don't have problems. I reach for the radio and make it louder... driving always did calm me down - I should be more independent anyway.

I think of all the places I could go, debating on if I should go back home tonight or make them worry - then kick myself for thinking it knowing how worried they would be. Mechanically I'm already on GT pike headed for the beltway... 15 minutes later I'm in it headed south, processesing myself, letting myself cool.

True I don't know what I'm doing with my life. Yeah ok, I could have gone to med school. No, I don't care what my scores were and what it makes me look like. I don't care what other people's preceptions of me are - I know I could have made a difference if I wanted to and they do too, what do I care if people don't believe I did as well as I did and I'm not pursuing a certain career. "Just because you're hung like a moose doesn't mean you have to be a porn star," - thanks harold and kumar, you gave me the quote of my life.

I wonder if I really am a failure. I wonder why I changed my mind - I COULD still apply to medical school... I think of unrelated topics that make me more depressed as I hit the mixing bowl. I debate on heading to my friend's house in the area unannounced... probably not a good idea.

I check my speed again - 90 mph, "perfect" I mutter to myself again as I start to slow down. The truck behind me honks making me switch to the right hand lane. My surroundings suddenly unfamiliar as I pass into maryland. I kick myself again for not grabbing my favorite CD as I surf radio stations.

I start wondering how mad they are at me. Why did I leave? I can't believe I left. What if they lock me out? I don't have a key... What if they throw my dog out to get back at me, or if I go home and he's thrown my stuff out? Maybe I SHOULD just go home in the morning, maybe if I get home really really late they won't notice I'm back.

Damn all I want is my cell phone.

And then I start to calm down, the songs on the radio now have words - they are no longer mindless tunes adding to my haze. Linkin park breaks through my concious, I squint, I see the church - it really is lit up well. I drove right through maryland in what seemed like 2 seconds processing... and I'm finally feeling better.

I check my speed - 65 as I hit Great Falls, Va exit. I notice the guy behind me is tailgating me "mothereffer" I think as I turn onto GT pike. The drive home always did make me happy... this is home... this is me.

Crazy

The crazy shite that happens in the richest county in the US

I went to school with one of them, he was shot by the crazy while hiding in the closet. What a way to go.

Closure

So reading about all these people trying to get over harsh break ups made me wonder... how IS KP doing?

I then searched for him on myspace... and found his profile. Last checked sometime in november.

I got a smug feeling seeing his relationship status was single. I hope the stupid young perfect gorgeous blonde he left me for fucked him over and left him the same way he left me...

So I sent him an xmas card to remind him of how well I was doing.

Karma's a bitch isn't it.

When is enough enough?

CPE text me just now...

"Merry CHRISmas and Happy B-DAY CPE"

He knows I call him CPE, he reads my other blog religiously. I feel aweful that he's alone for the holidays. He has no family really - he's really screwed up. I care about him so much, but he's CRAZY! HE DOESN'T GET THAT I DON'T WANT TO BE WITH HIM!

I tried being nice to him, but he kept pushing me. He actually almost won me back at one point, but did the same BS the second he thought he'd won me back. The boy is too pretty for his own good, and he knows it.

It's been 2 years, he was the boyfriend right before KP. YOU THINK HE'D GET IT!

So I'm sitting here, wanting to be nice to him. Wanting to call him and make sure he's ok, that things where he's been stationed are fine - but I know he'll take it all the wrong way and think he has a shot again. THEN I'LL NEVER GET HIM OFF MY BACK.

I feel awful. How can you care for someone and hate them at the same time? He disgusts me... but I want the best for him?

*vomit*

A reminder:

A reminder to those who are experiencing what I experienced last year... you are so much more after you get through this than you were before this.

Be thankful of small gifts such as what you're going through - imagine how much worse it could be.

It's raining!

Men that is...

I can't seem to get away from them. I must have some kind of "take me now" vibe. I need to learn not to care about any of them... it seems that's the best way for me to keep them. Lets update on all their status' with me shall we?

J is still in the lead with his adorable messages and conversations and PICTURE (*gasp*) hot hot hot - but no really, he's doing really well for himself. Very bad timing (in case I DO do the whole med school thing) and if not bad timing bad LOCATION - being 3 hours away is no bueno. Maybe that's why I like him.

R knocked me off my beam for a bit and had my head spinning. I can honestly say he's one of the 2 real crushes i've had this year, and he ruined that - miserably. The second he knew he had me in the bag the attention stopped and I was left with a miserable, self depreciating feeling that I DIDN'T LIKE AT ALL! Good thing I know how to knock myself out of that rut (hello pxxi) and a couple days later he's back to showing me with attention and etc... over it. Sucks too... he was so promising!

ALG (i gave him 3 letters because he has the same initials as my high school sweetheart and I don't want to confuse) is such a sweeeeeeeeetheart! :(. A very VERY annoying sweetheart that somehow rubbed me the wrong way. I get good morning text's, phone calls that last for only a brief amount of time because he doesn't want to bother me knowing how "busy" i am (guilty expression inserted here). He sends me messages constantly counting down to my birthday and spent loads of money on me (yet another guilty expression inserted here). man o man... if only i liked this one!

there have been a few here and there that i've ignored - the guy i met out the other week but was semi attractive, V's friend. ANYWAY how the hell does this happen?

When I was swooning over R it was DEAD, it's like they all knew I was a stupid girl that was itching for R's phone calls and couldn't wait for him to kiss me or take me out or cuddle or ACK I WAS ALMOST IN A RELATIONSHIP!

I'm weirded out now after coming to that realization.

I need a drink.

Phone pics

J sent me a pic of himself right after the shower with no shirt.

HOLY HELL HE HAS A HOT BODY

I am trying as hard as I possibly can not to post it here to show it off. Maybe I'll cut off his face or something but it is probably the hottest picture I have ever seen...

I think he might post it on myspace. If he does I'm posting it here.

New Years is look more and more promising ;)

YES!

YEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSS!!!

Just got a call telling me that my New Years tickets are being refunded. Guess I'm going to Va beach for New Years! :) :)

Let's see how well this goes, B and S are coming with me, and we're staying at J's house. B & S know everyone down there, and I plan on getting shitty :)

awesome.

Chemistry

Yesterday I was forced to e mail one of my old professors for a recommendation.

Today I have e mails from 4 of my old professors asking how I've been and why I havn't been back to say hi. I was one of the few of us (1 out of a 5 person graduating class in major) that had a personality.

:(

I'm such a failure. I love chem... why did I quit?

New years

Hmm... so yesterday me and the girls bought all you can drink new years tickets to a nice club in DC at 12pm.

At 5pm J invites me down to where he lives so he can spend it with me since he has work at 4 AM new years day.

...

Dammit.

I put on all my charm to try to get him up here for the countdown telling him driving 3 hours down to VA beach would be fiiiiiiiiiiiiine. HAHA he didn't buy it. Crap.

So today I've been trying to get refunded the $220 i fronted for my girls and the tickets, calling the credit card company, paypal, and the stupid club itself (shocker no answer).

I want a real new years kiss :(. Drunken shenanigans with randoms doesn't cut it anymore. I miss kissing someone and meaning it.

yuck I'm scaring myself.

bah humbug

Medical School

*breath*

I use to want to be a doctor. Everything I did revolved around my dream. I volunteered, I worked in hospitals, I joined clubs, organizations, EVERYTHING so that my resume come college graduation was AMAZING. I graduated at 20 with a chemistry degree... I took a year off to live... I changed my mind.

I decided that being a doctor was too political. That I couldn't handle the pressure, that it wasn't what I had imagined. I thought of the horrible things I'd seen working in hospitals, how people weren't grateful anymore, how I couldn't take it if it was MY fault someone died.

I decided to be safe, declining my acceptance into one of America's top 10 medical schools without telling anyone and decided to be a laywer.

I took my LSATS, did rather well, and was SUPPOSED to be working on my law school applications - as we speak. Till my friend calls me:

"Guess what"
"what?"
"You're going to be surprised"
"WHAT?"
"I applied to this medical school in the caribbean and got in, I think I'm going."
"WHAT YOU HAVN'T EVEN TAKEN YOUR MCAT?!"
"You don't need your MCAT, me D and F all got accepted, I'm going to start attending January"
"ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!"

And then all my longing for science returned. I was jealous. Not only that but I KNEW I could go. That I could've gone, that I was a lost cause.

So I got the name of the school, realizing they have rolling admission until the 30th, and I've decided to apply.

I need 2 recommendations on their letter head. I e mailed an old chem professor of mine and will probably ask my boss for the other. I need my official transcript but was assured by my friend that you can just FAX it to them and mail them the official later. I need to fill out an application, then complete an interview over the phone - all of these things I've gone through... but tell me.

Why all of a sudden do I want this now?

Why am I applying to a school that is not only not worth my merit, but kinda excited about it?

Why didn't I just do this a year and a half ago?

Why?!

Previous Blogs

I'm debating on transferring some of my previous blogs from the other blogging site to this one, but fear one of my other readers might find me here on blogger...

I don't want that. I like my freedom. I like my annonymity.

Hmm...

ENFJ

Soooo I just took a personality test :)

Here are the results:


Your Type is
ENFJ

Strength of the preferences %
Extroverted - 100
Intuitive - 38
Feeling - 38
Judging - 44



ENFJ type description by D.Keirsey
ENFJ type description by J. Butt



Qualitative analysis of your type formula

You are:
very expressed extrovert
moderately expressed intuitive personality
moderately expressed feeling personality
moderately expressed judging personality

"ENFJs know and appreciate people. Like most NFs, (and Feelers in general), they are apt to neglect themselves and their own needs for the needs of others. They have thinner psychological boundaries than most, and are at risk for being hurt or even abused by less sensitive people. ENFJs often take on more of the burdens of others than they can bear. "


Shocker...

Introducing J:

Soooo J is on very good terms with me. He just sent me a text that not only made me smile but gave me slight butterflies. Therefore since work is slow and I am addicted to sharing my feelings over anything on this damn site, I will give the background story on J.

J is a guy that use to work with B. He lives down there and when she moved up here and we became friends I met a ton of people from down there - but not J. Nope.

J and I have never met in person - ew I know weird right? Bear with me here...

I made B get myspace after I myself became ridiculously addicted, and after having a page and ignoring it for a couple months she got addicted too and low and behold J found me on her friend's list.

J proceeds to add me - J sits on my list for about 5 months without us conversing. About 2 weeks ago we start talking, I forget about what. I mention B and I are going out and since she never has her cell phone he said to give him mine so he could call her later or something like that... slick move buddy.

Well he doesn't call that night - but he DOES call later, we talk for 2 hours. HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN?

Anyway long story short - I've never met him, we talk about everything. B tells me he's a total player but is baffled at how he's treating me. I.e. I tell him I have to get up at 6:30 for work and he'll set his alarm at 6 so he can give me a wake up call and talk to me a little (how effing cute). Did I mention he's visiting family right now and is out drinking till 4 every morning... adorable.

I think I like this so much because he's never met me. No I'm serious. He's not a dog that's just interested in my looks because he only has a handful of myspace pictures to go from. Right? I feel like some weirdo now... why do I get grossed out by people who think I'm pretty - hmmmm... maybe cause they don't give a shit about my personality and just want to get in my pants, MOVING ON!

That and he lives far far away... well about 3 hours but still - I'm not commitmentphobic, but I'm beginning to think I might be... sliiiiiiiiiiightly getting there. eek!

Anyway. I like the fact that he's getting to know me, he's a good distraction.

There in a nutshell is J.

I'm just not that into you...

"When a young man complains that a young lady has no heart, it's pretty certain that she has his"

Yeah - seriously. Sounds like a personal problem... it's not my fault you effed up somehow and I'm easily annoyed by you.

*side note* i am beginning to blog from home - my addiction is scaring me.

Carry on!

Quote

Found this on someone's blog:

"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself." - Nietzsche

How true...