"When a young man complains that a young lady has no heart, it's pretty certain that she has his"
Yeah - seriously. Sounds like a personal problem... it's not my fault you effed up somehow and I'm easily annoyed by you.
*side note* i am beginning to blog from home - my addiction is scaring me.
Carry on!
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
Lessons:
AG text me "good morning beautiful" today... *groan*
Note to men, women love this, but we have to feel like we've EARNED it. I am convinced AG only likes me because he thinks I'm pretty. He doesn't ask me ANYTHING about myself. My attraction went from slightly attracted to him (he has a cute grin and pretty pretty eyes and he's just BARELY tall enough) to N-A-D-A in 2 weeks. I've been waiting for him to leave town for 3 weeks so I didn't have to pull any heart wrenching tricks out of my sleeves, and now that it's finally happened he STILL calls. AHHHHHHH.
Dammit.
I also (in a moment of insanity I'm sure) unblocked CE from AIM because I thought MAYBE I was being too harsh. Well no - I don't want to deal with him at all, I still think he sucks, I still don't want to get back together with him BUT maybe I could slowly unblock him from everything starting with AIM and he'll leave me alone.
mmm... WRONG
20 minutes later I get a rambling and drunk (shocker) message from him which I'm debating about posting. In fact I think I will post it - another lesson to you men to NOT call your ex girlfriend who doesn't want anything to do with you and hasn't spoken to you in 6 months and leave rambling drunk dials:
"Hey Nic it's C, I just y'know, just want you to know you're the greatest, you're my favorite girl of all time. And y'know it's getting around the holidays and it's getting kinda lonely down here in southern virginia and uh, just wanted to say hi, and uh, i miss you, and i know yuo're doing good for yourself but that's all, y'know, nothing else. Just wanted to say hi and that i miss you and... you're my favorite girl of all time. You really are. And. I know in my heart that I was a jerk on many many occasions and that that's all i want to say is just i've been a bad guy many times, and for that - i just watned to honestly give you a true apology - of all time, that i CPE was a very very very bad guy and uh, i lost your friendship and that sucks, cause i can't tell you how many times i wish that i have you at the end of the night just to talk to just to see how you're doing, and just talk about life BUT sleep tight and give the puppy, not even a puppy anymore, but uh, give Mr. S a kiss for me. WELL you sleep tight and uh, have a wonderful happy holiday... season... goodnight."
Wow that was annoying and long to type out. I had to keep rewinding cause it didn't make sense.
I still need to tell you guys about J but I'm not in the mood after listening to that annoying message.
And R is giving me shitloads of attention today - over it.
I'll probably blog more later
Note to men, women love this, but we have to feel like we've EARNED it. I am convinced AG only likes me because he thinks I'm pretty. He doesn't ask me ANYTHING about myself. My attraction went from slightly attracted to him (he has a cute grin and pretty pretty eyes and he's just BARELY tall enough) to N-A-D-A in 2 weeks. I've been waiting for him to leave town for 3 weeks so I didn't have to pull any heart wrenching tricks out of my sleeves, and now that it's finally happened he STILL calls. AHHHHHHH.
Dammit.
I also (in a moment of insanity I'm sure) unblocked CE from AIM because I thought MAYBE I was being too harsh. Well no - I don't want to deal with him at all, I still think he sucks, I still don't want to get back together with him BUT maybe I could slowly unblock him from everything starting with AIM and he'll leave me alone.
mmm... WRONG
20 minutes later I get a rambling and drunk (shocker) message from him which I'm debating about posting. In fact I think I will post it - another lesson to you men to NOT call your ex girlfriend who doesn't want anything to do with you and hasn't spoken to you in 6 months and leave rambling drunk dials:
"Hey Nic it's C, I just y'know, just want you to know you're the greatest, you're my favorite girl of all time. And y'know it's getting around the holidays and it's getting kinda lonely down here in southern virginia and uh, just wanted to say hi, and uh, i miss you, and i know yuo're doing good for yourself but that's all, y'know, nothing else. Just wanted to say hi and that i miss you and... you're my favorite girl of all time. You really are. And. I know in my heart that I was a jerk on many many occasions and that that's all i want to say is just i've been a bad guy many times, and for that - i just watned to honestly give you a true apology - of all time, that i CPE was a very very very bad guy and uh, i lost your friendship and that sucks, cause i can't tell you how many times i wish that i have you at the end of the night just to talk to just to see how you're doing, and just talk about life BUT sleep tight and give the puppy, not even a puppy anymore, but uh, give Mr. S a kiss for me. WELL you sleep tight and uh, have a wonderful happy holiday... season... goodnight."
Wow that was annoying and long to type out. I had to keep rewinding cause it didn't make sense.
I still need to tell you guys about J but I'm not in the mood after listening to that annoying message.
And R is giving me shitloads of attention today - over it.
I'll probably blog more later
Merry Xmas!!!
Sooo... maybe I'm in a sappy mood, I dunno, but I thought this was really cute and was oo-ing and ah-ing it at work.
ENJOY!
p.s. R sent it to me...
ENJOY!
p.s. R sent it to me...
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
Competitive
I am so annoying.
I don't even get myself.
Yesterday I was beating myself up over R and how I didn't understand where things were going, then today he e mails me something and I'm over it. I don't give a rat's ass if I talk to him or not. I think about how he's not really that cute, and all my other options and blah blah blah. THEN - I know I shouldn't but - I check his myspace and I see the "other girl" and I'm jealous all over again and wanna win.
Grr.
What the hell. I hate you KP for doing this to me.
No only that but I've been talking to J (I'll get into this more later) and we're on the phone for HOURRRRSS talking about nothing, and I'm getting the biggest crush (kinda)- but that too has complications and is a very annoying situation.
Then AG is still around - and I HAVE to be nice to him, he spent so much effing money on me... dammit. So I need to respond to text messages and talk to him and EW HE'S SO ANNOYING! But seriously why don't I like him? He's always showering me with attention, he's always wanting to take me out and spend money on me, why why why why DO I GET SO ANNOYED BY IT!
I am such a stupid girl. God this is annoying.
I don't even get myself.
Yesterday I was beating myself up over R and how I didn't understand where things were going, then today he e mails me something and I'm over it. I don't give a rat's ass if I talk to him or not. I think about how he's not really that cute, and all my other options and blah blah blah. THEN - I know I shouldn't but - I check his myspace and I see the "other girl" and I'm jealous all over again and wanna win.
Grr.
What the hell. I hate you KP for doing this to me.
No only that but I've been talking to J (I'll get into this more later) and we're on the phone for HOURRRRSS talking about nothing, and I'm getting the biggest crush (kinda)- but that too has complications and is a very annoying situation.
Then AG is still around - and I HAVE to be nice to him, he spent so much effing money on me... dammit. So I need to respond to text messages and talk to him and EW HE'S SO ANNOYING! But seriously why don't I like him? He's always showering me with attention, he's always wanting to take me out and spend money on me, why why why why DO I GET SO ANNOYED BY IT!
I am such a stupid girl. God this is annoying.
Decorating...
Hmm... I think I might be getting slightly addicted to blogger...
annnnnnnd I'm thinking I want to make my page pretty
CRAP
I don't need another online addiction
annnnnnnd I'm thinking I want to make my page pretty
CRAP
I don't need another online addiction
*groan*
Why must dating be so difficult?
I have determined (and I'm not sure if I've written it here or just said it to a million people) BUT I am so much happier when I'm COMPLETELY single or COMPLETELY committed.
First lets tackle being single.
It is a happy time. You depend on yourself, you have no expectations, you don't want for phone calls or wonder if you should call. It's a complete and utter DRAMA FREE time where you don't pick yourself apart.
When you are committed, atleast when I am - you're happy. You're in loooove. You get to cuddle and watch movies and go to cool places. You don't worry that you've called too much or too little. You know that your partner finds you attractive, and witty, and likes your personality as much as you like theirs. This too is a happy time.
DATING.
You are going from single to maybe attached. You meet someone outside your circle of friends. You have to call them, they have to call you. You have to get to know them. You either like them or... you don't.
When you don't:
You can either tell them, ignore them, play nice, fade off - I HAVE TRIED EVERY FREAKIN TACTIC IN THE BOOK! For some reason I must treat the men I don't want amazingly because they never leave me alone.
When you like them:
You don't know if you're calling too much, you don't know if you should accept every invitation and seem TOO available (god knows that's annoying when guys to it to me), you don't know if you should be upset if he doesn't call, or he calls too much or AHHH!! I HATE IT!
Someone needs to invent the instant relationship.
Some kind of sign or something that tells you if you're completely compatible with someone so these stupid games and etc end. Like a little necklace that lights up when you are attracted to someone and are actually interested. Then there would be no more faking, and if you lost interest you could just say: "oh oops... my light went off, see you later!" I dunno...
I effing hate dating.
It's raining men and the one I want isn't responding, how the hell does that happen?
So now I'm stuck being nice to all these losers - actually I think I'll post another blog about this, more developments are occuring as I speak.
Did I mention I hate dating... grr
I have determined (and I'm not sure if I've written it here or just said it to a million people) BUT I am so much happier when I'm COMPLETELY single or COMPLETELY committed.
First lets tackle being single.
It is a happy time. You depend on yourself, you have no expectations, you don't want for phone calls or wonder if you should call. It's a complete and utter DRAMA FREE time where you don't pick yourself apart.
When you are committed, atleast when I am - you're happy. You're in loooove. You get to cuddle and watch movies and go to cool places. You don't worry that you've called too much or too little. You know that your partner finds you attractive, and witty, and likes your personality as much as you like theirs. This too is a happy time.
DATING.
You are going from single to maybe attached. You meet someone outside your circle of friends. You have to call them, they have to call you. You have to get to know them. You either like them or... you don't.
When you don't:
You can either tell them, ignore them, play nice, fade off - I HAVE TRIED EVERY FREAKIN TACTIC IN THE BOOK! For some reason I must treat the men I don't want amazingly because they never leave me alone.
When you like them:
You don't know if you're calling too much, you don't know if you should accept every invitation and seem TOO available (god knows that's annoying when guys to it to me), you don't know if you should be upset if he doesn't call, or he calls too much or AHHH!! I HATE IT!
Someone needs to invent the instant relationship.
Some kind of sign or something that tells you if you're completely compatible with someone so these stupid games and etc end. Like a little necklace that lights up when you are attracted to someone and are actually interested. Then there would be no more faking, and if you lost interest you could just say: "oh oops... my light went off, see you later!" I dunno...
I effing hate dating.
It's raining men and the one I want isn't responding, how the hell does that happen?
So now I'm stuck being nice to all these losers - actually I think I'll post another blog about this, more developments are occuring as I speak.
Did I mention I hate dating... grr
Monday, December 19, 2005
Marathon:
Ran into some other girl's blog about running a marathon - which I've wanted to do since forever. So I looked up some jank on google (haha jank) and not only looked at what she was using to train but also http://www.dcfit.net/
Lets see if I can keep this up. I think I'll keep it a secret from my friends, they always say I'll give up. Maybe I can prove them wrong :(?
I am lazy though... *sigh*
Lets see if I can keep this up. I think I'll keep it a secret from my friends, they always say I'll give up. Maybe I can prove them wrong :(?
I am lazy though... *sigh*
Recap
Another boring day at work, my boss is leaving early, does that mean I can leave early too? hmm...
The weekend was pretty eventful, I kept myself rather busy. B's brother is in town and I normally hang out with a different group of friends on fridays - but I took her and him out with me. They had a pretty good time, clubbing just really isn't my thing. I ran into my ex... nooo bueno.
I dated him for maybe a month 5 years ago and he insists he's in love with me and that we'll eventually get married. Then he proceeds to make out with any girl and grind on her when he realizes I'm at an establishment, and when I leave an area to go somewhere else he'll magically appear next to me making out with said girl.
How annoying.
Anyway, slept over at B's house woke up - took her and her brother to the post secret gallery... talked to Frank and told him one of my secrets was up there and for some odd reason started tearing up... I'm such a weirdo. I'm better about it now though - it's also published in the book so I've looked and re-looked at it to the point where... I'm ok, kinda. :) Frank is going to be seeing a lot of me... I'm addicted to this exhibit. He's on blogspot... postsecret.blogspot.com if I havn't already mentioned it, go look go look!
After that we were supposed to head over to herndon to see plunge play - yeah that didn't happen. Dammit. I hate being friends with girls. They have to do hair, and make-up, and my friends are lazy. Herdon is apparantly too far away even if it takes the same amount of time to trek to adams morgan or find parking in georgetown... I WAS A LITTLE ANNOYED. So what do they end up wanting us to do? Go to chili's and drink there, then go to some random party and then MAYBE go out, mmmm no. Chili's sucked and then I threw a fit and made us leave (well half of us) and we headed to B's house, took a shitload of shots and headed to claredon grill.
A was working :) I heart him... but I think he hearts me... mooooooooooore... why am I so nice to men, I should know better. They always take it the wrong way. Speaking of ran into N there and he tried to kiss me... all he got was a pucker - shit.
Anyway I proceed to get shitfaced and see one of R's friends... and I freak out thinking he's there... ack. That got me paranoid and reminded me that *gasp* R hasn't called me since that stupid e mail where he bailed on my cooking for bowling.
I am now drunk, and sad. Know what I do? I wait till I get back, grab a bunch of chips and salsa, and shovel it into my face while making drunk dials.
god that's so depressing.
The next day I wake up, we have breakfast, and one of my friends offers me redskins tickets (lol, weeeeeeell... after a little, ok a lot, of begging and nagging and guilt tripping and YAY REDSKINS TICKETS!). So I go:
BEST
GAME
EVER!!!
EEEEEEEEVEEEEEEEERRR
I was hooting and hollering and... ahem... drinking and
BEST GAME EVER!!! AHHHHHHH!
Stupid dallas, take that.
I also drunk text R, and I think I might've called too... stupid me. He text me this morning before he got to work. Blow me.
I also e mail him today and give him the i'd rather be friends why are you being weird e mail - trying to figure out what the hell went wrong
yep.
no response there.
I effing bought him a $100 xmas gift, I'm pissed. AND it's personalized... so I can't return that sucka.
DAMMIT
mmm... that's about it...
The weekend was pretty eventful, I kept myself rather busy. B's brother is in town and I normally hang out with a different group of friends on fridays - but I took her and him out with me. They had a pretty good time, clubbing just really isn't my thing. I ran into my ex... nooo bueno.
I dated him for maybe a month 5 years ago and he insists he's in love with me and that we'll eventually get married. Then he proceeds to make out with any girl and grind on her when he realizes I'm at an establishment, and when I leave an area to go somewhere else he'll magically appear next to me making out with said girl.
How annoying.
Anyway, slept over at B's house woke up - took her and her brother to the post secret gallery... talked to Frank and told him one of my secrets was up there and for some odd reason started tearing up... I'm such a weirdo. I'm better about it now though - it's also published in the book so I've looked and re-looked at it to the point where... I'm ok, kinda. :) Frank is going to be seeing a lot of me... I'm addicted to this exhibit. He's on blogspot... postsecret.blogspot.com if I havn't already mentioned it, go look go look!
After that we were supposed to head over to herndon to see plunge play - yeah that didn't happen. Dammit. I hate being friends with girls. They have to do hair, and make-up, and my friends are lazy. Herdon is apparantly too far away even if it takes the same amount of time to trek to adams morgan or find parking in georgetown... I WAS A LITTLE ANNOYED. So what do they end up wanting us to do? Go to chili's and drink there, then go to some random party and then MAYBE go out, mmmm no. Chili's sucked and then I threw a fit and made us leave (well half of us) and we headed to B's house, took a shitload of shots and headed to claredon grill.
A was working :) I heart him... but I think he hearts me... mooooooooooore... why am I so nice to men, I should know better. They always take it the wrong way. Speaking of ran into N there and he tried to kiss me... all he got was a pucker - shit.
Anyway I proceed to get shitfaced and see one of R's friends... and I freak out thinking he's there... ack. That got me paranoid and reminded me that *gasp* R hasn't called me since that stupid e mail where he bailed on my cooking for bowling.
I am now drunk, and sad. Know what I do? I wait till I get back, grab a bunch of chips and salsa, and shovel it into my face while making drunk dials.
god that's so depressing.
The next day I wake up, we have breakfast, and one of my friends offers me redskins tickets (lol, weeeeeeell... after a little, ok a lot, of begging and nagging and guilt tripping and YAY REDSKINS TICKETS!). So I go:
BEST
GAME
EVER!!!
EEEEEEEEVEEEEEEEERRR
I was hooting and hollering and... ahem... drinking and
BEST GAME EVER!!! AHHHHHHH!
Stupid dallas, take that.
I also drunk text R, and I think I might've called too... stupid me. He text me this morning before he got to work. Blow me.
I also e mail him today and give him the i'd rather be friends why are you being weird e mail - trying to figure out what the hell went wrong
yep.
no response there.
I effing bought him a $100 xmas gift, I'm pissed. AND it's personalized... so I can't return that sucka.
DAMMIT
mmm... that's about it...
Thursday, December 15, 2005
Today...
I'm sleepy...
I went to the post secret gallery opening last night - it was amazing. It really got my gears going. I got home late and blogged it from what you see... and I hit snooze for 30 min this morning and I look like shit today at work.
R annoyed me this morning. I think I'm done with him... sucks huh? I had so much hope, the biggest crush on him ever, I was so excited. Well anyway either he's really really busy like he says, or he's dating someone else (which to me in my twisted warped mind makes sense - I bet he works with her). Anyway last week we made plans for me to cook him dinner thurs night, and he e mails me today mentioning he forgot he had other plans and that tonight wouldn't work, maybe this weekend he could see me but that he was working this weekend again (which I take to mean not hanging out).
I didn't respond.
I'm pissed. - well not really pissed, but I did get that awful sick feeling in my stomach that makes me want to vomit. I don't care anymore - it's too early for me to get these paranoid feelings, ugh - this is supposed to be the HAPPY time!
So much for my crush - it was nice while it lasted... I tried atleast. I wasn't a bitch to him like I've been with the others.
*sigh*
In other new!
I want to take flying lessons!!! YES YOU HEARD ME FLLLLLLLYYYYINNNG!!!
And rock climbing...
And now I have no New Years plans because I wanted to spend it with R but I don't think that's going to happen anymore. Another shitfaced random New Years for me!!!
I want a nap... *groan*
I went to the post secret gallery opening last night - it was amazing. It really got my gears going. I got home late and blogged it from what you see... and I hit snooze for 30 min this morning and I look like shit today at work.
R annoyed me this morning. I think I'm done with him... sucks huh? I had so much hope, the biggest crush on him ever, I was so excited. Well anyway either he's really really busy like he says, or he's dating someone else (which to me in my twisted warped mind makes sense - I bet he works with her). Anyway last week we made plans for me to cook him dinner thurs night, and he e mails me today mentioning he forgot he had other plans and that tonight wouldn't work, maybe this weekend he could see me but that he was working this weekend again (which I take to mean not hanging out).
I didn't respond.
I'm pissed. - well not really pissed, but I did get that awful sick feeling in my stomach that makes me want to vomit. I don't care anymore - it's too early for me to get these paranoid feelings, ugh - this is supposed to be the HAPPY time!
So much for my crush - it was nice while it lasted... I tried atleast. I wasn't a bitch to him like I've been with the others.
*sigh*
In other new!
I want to take flying lessons!!! YES YOU HEARD ME FLLLLLLLYYYYINNNG!!!
And rock climbing...
And now I have no New Years plans because I wanted to spend it with R but I don't think that's going to happen anymore. Another shitfaced random New Years for me!!!
I want a nap... *groan*
My secret...
Tonight I met Frank.
I entered the gallery in Georgetown, I donated money, I bought a copy of the book, and... standing to my left, shaking people's hands was Frank. So we stood there, we attempted a few failed approaches, and I finally made eye contact, stuck out my hand and shook Frank's hand. He signed my book... he's rather witty if I do say so myself :), ANYWAY!
You don't know who Frank is? Shame on you... I keed, but no really.
Back story:
You can find this on the website BUT the short version is Frank = artist. Frank buys 3000 post cards asking for people to send him their secrets. Frank hands them out on the metro, he sticks them in books at the library, he leaves them at other gallery's... Frank gets nothing back for a couple weeks and feels his plan is at a loss. One day Frank gets a post card, on it is someone's grocery list - crossed out and replaced by another, and in the corner in small small print someone wrote "I feel alone" (or something like that I don't really remember what it said). Someone answered his plea... someone took the postcard, used it as scrap paper - but held on to it long enough to finally put their secret on it and mail it to Frank. From that day they started pouring in, and post secret was born...
I shook Franks hand, I thanked him for letting us be at the opening, I conversed, and then I hit the gallery. I stood there looking at the very small pieces of art that defined that certain someone's deepest secret. I read about regret and remorse, sorrow and happiness. I read about jealousy and resentment, and then... I saw mine. I couldn't even finish reading it before my heart jumped into my throat and my eyes started watering over and I jerked my head away.
I'd made it and mailed it a long time ago - and it still hit home. The time I took to make it was the time I needed to portray it...
But I couldn't bring myself to reread it at the gallery- to show any emotion towards it, to reclaim it as mine. I was thankful I was alone at this part of the gallery, we had all spaced ourselves out... picking through each section of our own accord... but then again, I wasn't alone.
Now I am an emotional person, a lot of the secrets did make my eyes well up, my heart stop, you can't help but to relate... but as I was standing there staring at the piece of my soul I had so thoughtfully made 2-D I heard the girl next to me sniffle... and I saw her reach for my secret... and touch it. That's when I realized she was crying, that's when I walked away.
She'd touched it. She'd felt it. She'd claimed it...
I never felt as small as I did in that room. My problems seemed non existant compared to some of the others. I cursed myself for taking the little things for granted, for allowing petty things to burdon me.
2 hours later I had only completed two-fifths of the gallery before I decided i'd have enough... I rounded up the group with sweet talk of food, I bid farewell to Frank, asked him when he'd be back so I could come visit again, and I left to come back later and finish my experience - maybe alone, maybe with someone I trust, but knowing the next time would probably be more emotional.
My brain had gone into overload - I know I will be visiting the gallery many times in the coming weeks... to see the secrets, and the impact they have on others... to see the impact they have on me.
I entered the gallery in Georgetown, I donated money, I bought a copy of the book, and... standing to my left, shaking people's hands was Frank. So we stood there, we attempted a few failed approaches, and I finally made eye contact, stuck out my hand and shook Frank's hand. He signed my book... he's rather witty if I do say so myself :), ANYWAY!
You don't know who Frank is? Shame on you... I keed, but no really.
Back story:
You can find this on the website BUT the short version is Frank = artist. Frank buys 3000 post cards asking for people to send him their secrets. Frank hands them out on the metro, he sticks them in books at the library, he leaves them at other gallery's... Frank gets nothing back for a couple weeks and feels his plan is at a loss. One day Frank gets a post card, on it is someone's grocery list - crossed out and replaced by another, and in the corner in small small print someone wrote "I feel alone" (or something like that I don't really remember what it said). Someone answered his plea... someone took the postcard, used it as scrap paper - but held on to it long enough to finally put their secret on it and mail it to Frank. From that day they started pouring in, and post secret was born...
I shook Franks hand, I thanked him for letting us be at the opening, I conversed, and then I hit the gallery. I stood there looking at the very small pieces of art that defined that certain someone's deepest secret. I read about regret and remorse, sorrow and happiness. I read about jealousy and resentment, and then... I saw mine. I couldn't even finish reading it before my heart jumped into my throat and my eyes started watering over and I jerked my head away.
I'd made it and mailed it a long time ago - and it still hit home. The time I took to make it was the time I needed to portray it...
But I couldn't bring myself to reread it at the gallery- to show any emotion towards it, to reclaim it as mine. I was thankful I was alone at this part of the gallery, we had all spaced ourselves out... picking through each section of our own accord... but then again, I wasn't alone.
Now I am an emotional person, a lot of the secrets did make my eyes well up, my heart stop, you can't help but to relate... but as I was standing there staring at the piece of my soul I had so thoughtfully made 2-D I heard the girl next to me sniffle... and I saw her reach for my secret... and touch it. That's when I realized she was crying, that's when I walked away.
She'd touched it. She'd felt it. She'd claimed it...
I never felt as small as I did in that room. My problems seemed non existant compared to some of the others. I cursed myself for taking the little things for granted, for allowing petty things to burdon me.
2 hours later I had only completed two-fifths of the gallery before I decided i'd have enough... I rounded up the group with sweet talk of food, I bid farewell to Frank, asked him when he'd be back so I could come visit again, and I left to come back later and finish my experience - maybe alone, maybe with someone I trust, but knowing the next time would probably be more emotional.
My brain had gone into overload - I know I will be visiting the gallery many times in the coming weeks... to see the secrets, and the impact they have on others... to see the impact they have on me.
Thursday, December 08, 2005
I would have shot him too...
http://www.cnn.com/2005/US/12/08/airplane.gunshot/index.html
it's crazy how're they're trying to make the air marshall's look like their at fault. If this guy WAS a terrorist, and he HAD succeeded the american public would have been outraged that these steps hadn't been taken...
annoying...
it's crazy how're they're trying to make the air marshall's look like their at fault. If this guy WAS a terrorist, and he HAD succeeded the american public would have been outraged that these steps hadn't been taken...
annoying...
Myspace
So I am a total Myspace addict. I joined it back in the day after the KP break up - and all of a sudden I had 3000 people telling me how beautiful I was and trying to add me as their friend (if you don't do myspace you wouldn't understand the beauty in this.) Anyway - I've been an addict since. I've made my friends join who have also become addicts... you think we like it because of our need for attention?
I dunno.
Anyway - right now myspace is down and I'm dying because I want to check it... I have a new picture up see. I want to see all my new comments :).
Myspace can also be bad in a sense. I'm dating a guy who has a myspace. I'm always checking his to see the girls on it... but he has an "awaiting approval" censor on his page. That's annoying. He can decline anything that would put any dirt on him. We don't like that.
He's the first major candidate for a boyfriend I've had since KP. I never thought I was left with trust issues after that ordeal... but now that I'm put in a situation where I actually like someone - I find myself looking for signs that he's dating other people...
I mean, I just think he's perfect y'know? Why is he single? I bet every other girl sees the same things I do - ack, this makes me nervous.
That and I havn't seen him since last thursday... no bueno.
*sigh* I should just turn back into the bitch I've been this past year and stop this mess... easier said than done right?
I dunno.
Anyway - right now myspace is down and I'm dying because I want to check it... I have a new picture up see. I want to see all my new comments :).
Myspace can also be bad in a sense. I'm dating a guy who has a myspace. I'm always checking his to see the girls on it... but he has an "awaiting approval" censor on his page. That's annoying. He can decline anything that would put any dirt on him. We don't like that.
He's the first major candidate for a boyfriend I've had since KP. I never thought I was left with trust issues after that ordeal... but now that I'm put in a situation where I actually like someone - I find myself looking for signs that he's dating other people...
I mean, I just think he's perfect y'know? Why is he single? I bet every other girl sees the same things I do - ack, this makes me nervous.
That and I havn't seen him since last thursday... no bueno.
*sigh* I should just turn back into the bitch I've been this past year and stop this mess... easier said than done right?
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
Heartbreaking
I know I'm not that political and all - but this article made me want to vomit...
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/10318347/
enjoy.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/10318347/
enjoy.
Friday, December 02, 2005
I'm back
So I transferred over to another blogging system that wasn't annonymous, and well... now people I want to write about know about the other one - and I can't be honest anymore. :) So here I am.
I havn't read the resent posts in a long time... I was really hurting. It makes my heart drop seeing how broken I was... remembering those feelings.
Well lets just say my predictions about myself were true. I did read back and see myself through a different set of glasses, but at the same time I think I sound a lot stronger than I actually was at the time... hmm. I didn't go back too far though - some things hurt too much to be revisited.
I guess I'll update this more often now-a-days :) welcome back me!
I havn't read the resent posts in a long time... I was really hurting. It makes my heart drop seeing how broken I was... remembering those feelings.
Well lets just say my predictions about myself were true. I did read back and see myself through a different set of glasses, but at the same time I think I sound a lot stronger than I actually was at the time... hmm. I didn't go back too far though - some things hurt too much to be revisited.
I guess I'll update this more often now-a-days :) welcome back me!
Tuesday, December 21, 2004
Day 1
LM told me "It takes 21 days to build a habit, and 21 days to break one."
With that being said this is day one. I gave him his xmas gift, which he loved on Sunday. Yesterday should have been day one, but he stupidly called me and I got these butterflies... and long story short. Today is day one.
I will break my habit of him.
I'm doing better. I had a date on saturday, very nice guy. Not sure if I can jump into anything right now, but he seems like a very down to earth, fun guy. If I'm not ready, maybe I can be his friend?
Let me back up:
This past thursday he dropped off my xmas gifts. I got a woobie, a book on wine, light blue satin sheets, and a ring from tiffany's. I'm nosy, and sneaky, and still very jealous... soooo I go to ebay, find his name, and figure out he not only bought me something from tiffany's... but something else from tiffany's for someone else. *sigh* so the "specialness" of my gift - per say - is now gone. But I guess it's the thought that counts. It's my door prize for fucking KP. I never called to say thank you. I thought he didn't care.
He did.
I wake up to about 10 text messages saturday morning that compiled go something like this:
"Merry christmas... since your not going to give me my giftcan i at least get my jeans if your going to be cheap and u never... and it too much to sew them. drop them off or put them in the mail. I will pay the postage of drop them off at my neighbors or my truck. dont be a chris and hold my stuff against me...how fun you have turned this... i love that you told me that i am like him when your the tight ass that wont give me my pants... i am thedevil......................."
I wrote him back something harsh and he wrote me back and apologized, said he was upset that I didn't say thank you. Long story short he confessed he cared what was happening, and didn't understand how it got like this, blah blah blah - that he needed to figure things out. I told him to take whatever time he needed, and when he came to whatever realization he thought he needed to come to, to give me a call, and we get coffee or go to dinner or something.
He got his gift sunday. I got a lot of hugs, and catch up talk. He kept taking my picture, he loved the camera. Very awkward goodbye... I was quite and cold I guess, I just didn't want to see him.
He calls me randomly yesterday for directions: WHY!
But this is all pointless - basically this is day one. I'm doing well. Agreed to meet the guy from saturday tomorrow after I do happy hour with the girls. I don't think about him as much, but I do miss him.
I'll get over this. I'll read this later and see how pathetic it sounds. :) But I'll be stronger and wiser, and I couldn't ask for more.
With that being said this is day one. I gave him his xmas gift, which he loved on Sunday. Yesterday should have been day one, but he stupidly called me and I got these butterflies... and long story short. Today is day one.
I will break my habit of him.
I'm doing better. I had a date on saturday, very nice guy. Not sure if I can jump into anything right now, but he seems like a very down to earth, fun guy. If I'm not ready, maybe I can be his friend?
Let me back up:
This past thursday he dropped off my xmas gifts. I got a woobie, a book on wine, light blue satin sheets, and a ring from tiffany's. I'm nosy, and sneaky, and still very jealous... soooo I go to ebay, find his name, and figure out he not only bought me something from tiffany's... but something else from tiffany's for someone else. *sigh* so the "specialness" of my gift - per say - is now gone. But I guess it's the thought that counts. It's my door prize for fucking KP. I never called to say thank you. I thought he didn't care.
He did.
I wake up to about 10 text messages saturday morning that compiled go something like this:
"Merry christmas... since your not going to give me my gift
I wrote him back something harsh and he wrote me back and apologized, said he was upset that I didn't say thank you. Long story short he confessed he cared what was happening, and didn't understand how it got like this, blah blah blah - that he needed to figure things out. I told him to take whatever time he needed, and when he came to whatever realization he thought he needed to come to, to give me a call, and we get coffee or go to dinner or something.
He got his gift sunday. I got a lot of hugs, and catch up talk. He kept taking my picture, he loved the camera. Very awkward goodbye... I was quite and cold I guess, I just didn't want to see him.
He calls me randomly yesterday for directions: WHY!
But this is all pointless - basically this is day one. I'm doing well. Agreed to meet the guy from saturday tomorrow after I do happy hour with the girls. I don't think about him as much, but I do miss him.
I'll get over this. I'll read this later and see how pathetic it sounds. :) But I'll be stronger and wiser, and I couldn't ask for more.
Tuesday, December 14, 2004
I don't think it's hit me yet
I told him I want nothing to do with him. So he's gone. I cried a lot, my eyes still hurt. But it's done. I'm actually taking it pretty well. No pangs like I use to have when things ended.
I just got of the phone with LM, havn't talked to her in AGES and told her what happened, she promised she'd be my new going out buddy. I'm meeting DC for drinks tomorrow night, she's been awesome so far. Annnnd I meet LH in 2 weeks for coffee... but I'm not too sure about that one. Who cares! YAY! FRIENDS! :)
Finally free!!! I actually feel relieved!!!
He said he still wants to give me my presents for my birthday and xmas, and asked if I wanted to meet, or have him drop it off. I said drop it off. I don't really want to see him now that I've made this decision. I might get weak. I really did love him, and believed he did me. I guess you can't believe everything people tell you.
Finally free!!! I actually feel relieved!!!
Sunday, December 12, 2004
Idiot
So I like an idiot hung out with KP tonight. He was drunk, like he always is now, was pretty much in dick mode and annoyed me most of the night. We were with his friend T, and even he kept asking me why I put up with it. I debated leaving after we got back to KP's house and T left... not wanting to deal with drama. I should have. The first 10 minutes were good, we talked like normal... he's a lot angrier now. But then he checked his messages, and I could hear them...
Girls Voice: "Hey you, it's me" ... insert normal girl dating guy talk here
I bet it was fucking Erin Cooper... and I overheard something about maybe her seeing him in a couple weeks. Now I feel like I'm going to vomit. I left right after, I couldn't even stand being there, he's not even fun anymore. I guess I'm just clinging to the sweetheart I met... why did I STAY!!!
Damnit this hurts.
What the fuck is wrong with me!
Girls Voice: "Hey you, it's me" ... insert normal girl dating guy talk here
I bet it was fucking Erin Cooper... and I overheard something about maybe her seeing him in a couple weeks. Now I feel like I'm going to vomit. I left right after, I couldn't even stand being there, he's not even fun anymore. I guess I'm just clinging to the sweetheart I met... why did I STAY!!!
Damnit this hurts.
What the fuck is wrong with me!
Stronger
So I refuse to read my previous posts... I can already tell by the titles and remembering the way I was feeling at the moment that I'll feel pathetic and stupid after reading the way I was feeling at that time. But some things do that to you, and nobody's perfect. I know everyone has had those doubts and feelings, and some aren't strong enough to admit them. So there, because I can admit it I'm stronger than those who can't and that makes me feel a ton better. Or I can keep telling myself that and hope I'll start to believe it :).
Making things official with KP had helped a lot. I told him I valued his friendship more than anything else he and I were doing. I guess it was kinda liberating. I don't expect anything anymore, and it's making it easier. That and the fact that this time it was me ending it, which technically really makes it official. I can't continue with the whole situation unless we have a good talk and set some rules, and knowing he's leaving and all his reservations about everything I now want, I'm sure that's not going to happen.
I'm making myself branch out and go out. I've met a couple new girls, and though they live far from where I am, getting to know new people is always exciting, and I'm doing the whole learn about them learn about me thing. Gave my number out to a couple guys this past weekend, but I'm not really holding my breath for them to call, I'm not sure I'm comfortable with anyone yet. Them hitting on me in itself made me uncomfortable. WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?! I'm still basically stuck on KP. I can honestly say he's the first person I've dated due to personality alone, there's just a comfort there that I still can't explain. Even with that he still gave me problems.
So lets see:
I've dated the pretty boys - and they're always getting too much attention and piss me off.
I've dated the nice boys - and they too get too much attention from stupid girls and piss me off.
In fact I think I probably boost these stupid men's heads to a higher level just dating them, and for some odd reason they think they can do better. HAH... This all leads into my curse which i'll have to post later in it's own respective section.
My self esteem is slowly coming back, and I've learned some very valuable lessons through this whole ordeal. I mean the entire one - that started with CE almost a year and a half ago and is currently, hopefully, ending with KP now.
I feel like the haze I've been living in is lifting up off me.
Now I can focus on figuring out what I'm going to do for the rest of my life, and how I'm going to accomplish it.
"If you don't know where you're going, you'll probably end up some place else" - Yogi Berra
Making things official with KP had helped a lot. I told him I valued his friendship more than anything else he and I were doing. I guess it was kinda liberating. I don't expect anything anymore, and it's making it easier. That and the fact that this time it was me ending it, which technically really makes it official. I can't continue with the whole situation unless we have a good talk and set some rules, and knowing he's leaving and all his reservations about everything I now want, I'm sure that's not going to happen.
I'm making myself branch out and go out. I've met a couple new girls, and though they live far from where I am, getting to know new people is always exciting, and I'm doing the whole learn about them learn about me thing. Gave my number out to a couple guys this past weekend, but I'm not really holding my breath for them to call, I'm not sure I'm comfortable with anyone yet. Them hitting on me in itself made me uncomfortable. WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?! I'm still basically stuck on KP. I can honestly say he's the first person I've dated due to personality alone, there's just a comfort there that I still can't explain. Even with that he still gave me problems.
So lets see:
I've dated the pretty boys - and they're always getting too much attention and piss me off.
I've dated the nice boys - and they too get too much attention from stupid girls and piss me off.
In fact I think I probably boost these stupid men's heads to a higher level just dating them, and for some odd reason they think they can do better. HAH... This all leads into my curse which i'll have to post later in it's own respective section.
My self esteem is slowly coming back, and I've learned some very valuable lessons through this whole ordeal. I mean the entire one - that started with CE almost a year and a half ago and is currently, hopefully, ending with KP now.
I feel like the haze I've been living in is lifting up off me.
Now I can focus on figuring out what I'm going to do for the rest of my life, and how I'm going to accomplish it.
"If you don't know where you're going, you'll probably end up some place else" - Yogi Berra
Monday, December 06, 2004
Broken
I'm scared.
I'm scared because the last time my heart and my mind disagreed, I ended up listening to my mind.
I'm scared because it took me over 2 years to finally get over that decision, thought in the end I know it was the right one... it's only because AG changed into someone he wasn't when I was with him through our distance.
I'm scared because CE ruined me, and I now have fears that I never had before dealing from little things, to relationships.
I'm scared because I look in the mirror and I don't understand who I'm becoming, and why I'm letting this happen to me, why I'm letting KE do this to me.
I'm scared because I'm trying to do what's best for me... but in the end I only feel better when I speak to him, and I know it's not right.
I'm scared because I know I have to move on, and as much as I try. I can't.
I'm scared because I depend on him, not only for friendship, but for everything - and I blame CE for breaking me.
I'm scared because I let myself get broken.
I just want to be the old me, where I didn't give a shit about anyone and put myself first. It's just right now I'm scared because the only problem... is KE, and the fact that after 8 months... I'm still clinging to a hope he'll come around. Even though most of the time, I let him believe I don't give a shit. I let him believe I date others... even though I'm not.
I can't.
No one since him has interested me.
Fuck you CE, this is the reason you disgust me.
Look what you've done.
You broke me.
I'm scared because the last time my heart and my mind disagreed, I ended up listening to my mind.
I'm scared because it took me over 2 years to finally get over that decision, thought in the end I know it was the right one... it's only because AG changed into someone he wasn't when I was with him through our distance.
I'm scared because CE ruined me, and I now have fears that I never had before dealing from little things, to relationships.
I'm scared because I look in the mirror and I don't understand who I'm becoming, and why I'm letting this happen to me, why I'm letting KE do this to me.
I'm scared because I'm trying to do what's best for me... but in the end I only feel better when I speak to him, and I know it's not right.
I'm scared because I know I have to move on, and as much as I try. I can't.
I'm scared because I depend on him, not only for friendship, but for everything - and I blame CE for breaking me.
I'm scared because I'm broken.
I'm scared because I let myself get broken.
I just want to be the old me, where I didn't give a shit about anyone and put myself first. It's just right now I'm scared because the only problem... is KE, and the fact that after 8 months... I'm still clinging to a hope he'll come around. Even though most of the time, I let him believe I don't give a shit. I let him believe I date others... even though I'm not.
I can't.
No one since him has interested me.
Fuck you CE, this is the reason you disgust me.
Look what you've done.
You broke me.
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