Khoshkell

The death of a blog

2007-04-26T20:38:00.000-04:00

The blog is dead - killed suddenly in a freak hurricane that swept through the bloggosphere.

Bye bye khoshkell

Galactichero

2007-04-26T20:36:00.000-04:00

I hate you.

you're taking my blog away from me. Stop it.

I come here to write when I can't talk to people I converse with. I do not however come here for you to patronize me.

I should just pack up for good and let this blog die.

In fact... good idea.

My response:

2007-03-27T09:21:00.000-04:00

So I wrote him back, and sent the e mail about 4 days after his initial shocker. Most of it was spent replying back to his questions or comments, the end had a brief blurb about me and what I was up to.

I guess I was just really shocked that he wrote. I haven't checked the e mail since I've sent my reply, nor do I think about it unless one of my girl's from back home brings it up - or when I check into the blog world and see that my latest post is about the situation. I'm trying to figure out if that's healthy. How can I go from such utter shock and UGHness, to... meh? I WILL however be shocked if he does write back, and I am positive I won't respond to that one. I don't want him to be my friend - I don't even think I like him much as a person let alone know if I care about his life with the blonde... but at the same time I do care?

Ugh I am such a walking contradiction. How utterly annoying.

Anyway, it's sent, I let him know I have my life on a pretty amazing track - and congratulated him on his... house. He use to be so ambitious, he was going to travel, go into graphic design, live in san diego. I mentioned all those in the responding e mail saying it was a shame he never pulled through on all those. Maybe it was in a slightly spiteful way, one of those "Look at me, I'm everything I wanted to be - what have YOU done in 2 years" but at the same time it IS sad. He had potential, and he just ended up back in his old town a fat mortgage broker.

*shudder*

Thank god for small blessings.

The KFP/R update

2007-03-23T15:33:00.000-04:00

Ok, now that I've calmed down a little: I know many people don't know who R and KFP are.

Thats because I never talk about them. Ever. Why don't I talk about them? Because they're old news. R was a guy I had a massive crush on and got over, over a year ago, and KFP, KFP is a long story. He's one of the main reasons I started this blog back in the day. He's pretty much the one that broke me, before him I was innocent, naive, and your perfect, baggageless, soon to be college graduate (unless you throw CPE in as baggage).

So lets back this up. I go to class one day and find this e mail:

Nic,

Wanted to see how you were doing... hopefully school is going well for you. Things here are alright, weather is wishy washy. I cannot wait until summer. I am actual looking in to getting a new job.. I need to be paid more. Also, I was thinking of places I would like to go on vacation and or people I would want to visit cause I know they are a good time and I thought of you. I would try and come with my friend M and wanted to see what you thought about it.. I do not know the date I would try and come. Alright, let me know what is new with you. I feel as though we haven't talked in a long time and to be honest, even when I saw you out that one night with J, you didn't really talk to me. : (

Take care,

R

Yeeeeeep - so that was a tiny shocker, and one I meant on blogging about - but it wasn't really a big deal. I just found it humorous that he wrote me to see if he could find a place to crash. But I was cordial and wrote back (today - he sent this 3 day ago) and said yeah whatever, bring blankets to sleep on cause i have none, and you can crash on the couch but not during school or when the roomies are here. So I gave him a 3 day non-negotiable window. End of april or bust.

Now KFP... holy shit KFP, I don't know what to say about this. This morning was not a good one, and yes I know, repression is a bitch when it all comes up. Regardless I wake up to this:

I bet you thought you never would hear from me again. Thanks for the email a while back that I never responded back to. I mean that in the best way. I never got back to you cause thats the way way I am and always have been. For me not being a hypocrite its always been easier just to cut all ties to my past when there has been anything more than friends involved. All that being said and done with I just wanted to say hi and tell you that I am alive.

I also wanted you to know that the only good times I had in D.C was after I met you. I had a blast even though I had a lot going on in my life at the time and a lot of changes came and went. Random story, but I still do have random weekends and weeks where it seems like fights find me just like when I was back there. I swear I eat up to much crap then I cant control it. Random, Random Random.

So a little about me. I am getting married to E, June 2nd this year!! Thats huge. We bought a house in [edit], my old home town (just where I want to be) in October and I got to test all my old skool construction skills. Not bad at all if you ask me. :) E graduated this december from [edit] which is nice so we dont have to continue to do the long distance thing.

My best friend decided to join the marine corp after I get out of the army. He just got back from Iraq last week and I went down south to San Diego last weekend to have a good time. I dont ever miss the Army one bit. I have never talked to [his ex] after all that stuff happened which i think is for the best since some of my lowest times was cause of her. (She is still the only girl to ever make me sad for such a long time)

This might sound wierd but I was looking through some old emails, like really old emails and I checked out one that you sent me to check out yahoo photos and it gave me full access to all your pics. I was happy to see you traveling throughout the world. Good for you. Are you Dr. [edit] yet? M looks rough, she needs to slow down and respect her body. I was tripping out on the pics of me that you still have on there.

I turned down the graphics job in S.F before I got out and linked up with my brother into the Mortgage business. I made a good living last year but this year has been rough with the way the mortgage business has been towards certain types of loans. I have a lot of stress with all my bills now. I am soon to be 27 too!!. I have gained some not so good weight but thats life for now, i was so involved with making money since I have been broke in the army for years I put my health on the back burner.

Saw that you were hashing, drinking beer out of your dirty stinky shoe. Good for you that was always a good time when I did that but it was always on a week night and i never really made any connections.

Do you ever see j, My old roomate? We had a falling out before I moved out. I saw on your my space that you still dont live in [edit]...:) remember I used to give you a hard time about that? where is [where i live] anyways?

You back being friends with your [branch of the military] friend CPE? I somehow feel bad for him for what I did to him after the years have gone by. I just hope that I was an experience for him not to be a dick to people he doesnt know cause there are people 100 million times tougher than me.

So thats about that. I hope all is well. Take care. KFP

What's with this take care business!!! I don't even know where to start, or how to explain any of this.

First the e mail he mentioned was the one I sent him a year ago. I think I might have blogged about it, I don't remember (i probably did) where I mentioned I hadn't talked to him in a year. I had been avoiding/ignoring all contact efforts made by his part... which had stopped when he left the state (i'm assuming). [update: found the blog where I mentioned writing him, clicky]

E is the blonde 19 year old he left me for. She's probably 21 by now. Nice. Legal. I'm still bitter. damn him.

And basically what I got out of this is that he saw old pictures of us, saw new pictures of the cool life I'm living and realized what he lost. I'm cute dammit, and I am VERY photogenic.

So he's getting married, and he's reminiscing, probably deleting old e mails, and comes along my shit. Oh look, cute ass Nic prancing around half nekkid in a bikini, who hasn't gained weight, sees pictures of me partying when my girls came up, and probably saw my new years pics with navy.

You see I never use my yahoo account - my friends actually use it more that I do. We all have the password and stick up pictures on it to pass around instead of the weird e mailing thing. It's easier that way. He saw my hash run picture... lemme see if I can actually upload that:

That's me on the left chugging beer out of a shoe. My best friend on the right wore new shoes to hash which is a big no no, so I violated her. Little did I know in hash rules, the violator must also drink from brand new shoe... disgusting.

Anyway, and his comment about CPE referred to a fight they got into. KFP had just got back from training, and we went to his old place of work (he moonlighted as a bouncer) to eat real quick before watching a movie. CPE knew he use to work there and I guess showed up that same night. I of course was still scared of CPE at this point, because he had stolen my dog, continuously called my phone, and refused to leave me alone. I saw him, told KFP we needed to leave, KFP went up to him to "ask him to leave" and was um... "escorted" out of his old bar. CPE didn't help the situation because he came straight for me hiding behind a big ass column, that drove KFP crazy so it took not one person to escort him out, but say... i dunno 5... with him screaming "don't fucking go near her!" and I tried to make my way out of the bar without CPE touching me. No good (sounds like a soap opera huh?).

Well idiot CPE came back 2 nights later after KFP had taken his phone number out of my phone (and i deleted it when I found out) and they... got into it. Cops came, I wasn't around thank god, and KFP came over with a tender hand telling me how he gave CPE a black eye. I dunno - it was a long story.

regardless... that's a lot of what happened while I wasn't blogging. Before and after.

So for him to come and e mail me now, after I've finally put him to rest (i think?) After I did a good job shoving all the emotion down to a place I rarely thought about it, HE DECIDES TO E MAIL ME AND TELL ME HE'S MARRYING THE LITTLE GIRL HE LEFT ME FOR?! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!

So my first reaction was shock, I saw it was from him, I did a mini freak out where I didn't read it, walked away from the computer, took a deep breath, and tried to figure out if I SHOULD read it.

Of course curiosity killed that cat.

When I read the line about him marrying that girl my heart dropped.

DROPPED.

And I remembered all the hurt I'd felt and how much he'd broken me, and how long it took for me to feel I was pretty again. How I'd dated so many annoying guys to get over him, getting sick of them each after a month. How I finally became comfortable enough with myself to realize that I didn't need to be dating these losers. How long it took me to be comfortable being alone. Happy being alone.

2 years. It took 2 years.

And with that one line, he had me remembering everything and I started bawling.

Yes bawling.

Nice huh?

I tried to call M. She's the only one of the friends I have who was there for the KFP era. B came after and T... T always hated him so there's no way I could talk to her about it. And she didn't pick up. Neither did B.

So who did I talk to? Navy - idiot me.

He told me not to write back.

I don't like that subject.

Later I got a hold of B and M who both said write back. M told me it would be closure...

I don't even know what closure is.

It's raining exes

2007-03-23T10:27:00.000-04:00

This is got to be the worst 3 days of my life - first R writes me an e mail after not talking for over a year then

this morning

i wake up

go to the computer

and I have an e mail from non other

wait for it

KFP

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!!!

I don't have much to say on it, I guess I'll post it up later... he's marrying the girl he left me for... god I don't know I guess I'm kinda still in shock.

I've suppressed almost every emotion i had toward that situation, it's not the man I miss, its the feeling, and now he reminds me of how much it fucking hurts. fuck him.

I WILL eventually write him back, I know myself... but damn... damn damn damn, what the hell is going on.

Cool

2007-03-15T16:13:00.000-04:00

Apparently my blog has become cool enough to stick onto some weird fantasy blog stock market

Clicky

If anyone from back home finds me again... I'm going to scream.

(p.s. its says I'm worth 1,000.00... cool)

Interesting

2007-03-14T19:18:00.000-04:00

I haven't seen the movie, so I can't comment

http://www.time.com/time/world/article/0,8599,1598886,00.html?cnn=yes

All of Tehran was outraged. Everywhere I went yesterday, the talk vibrated with indignation over the film 300 — a movie no one in Iran has seen but everyone seems to know about since it became a major box office surprise in the U.S. As I stood in line for a full hour to buy ajeel, a mixture of dried fruits and nuts traditional to the start of Persian new year festivities, I felt the entire queue, composed of housewives with pet dogs, teenagers, and clerks from a nearby ministry, shake with fury. I hadn't even heard of the film until that morning when a screed about it came on the radio, so I was able to nod darkly with the rest of the shoppers, savoring a moment of public accord so rare in Tehran. Everywhere else I went, from the dentist to the flower shop, Iranians buzzed with resentment at the film's depictions of Persians, adamant that the movie was secretly funded by the U.S. government to prepare Americans for going to war against Iran. "Otherwise why now, if not to turn their people against us?" demanded an elderly lady buying tuberoses. "Yes, truly it is a grave offense," I said, shaking my own bunch of irises.
I returned home to discover my family in a similar state of pique. My sister-in-law sat behind her laptop, sending off an e-mail petition against the film to half of Tehran, while my husband leafed through a book on the Achaemenid Empire, noting that Herodotus had estimated the Persian army at 120,000 men, not one million as the film claimed. The morning newspaper lay on the table with the headline "300
AGAINST 70 MILLION!" (the population of the country). It was echoed by the evening news: "Hollywood has opened a new front in the war against Iran."
The timing of the computer-generated film, which depicts the ancient confrontation of Sparta and the Persian empire at the Battle of Thermopylae, is certainly inauspicious. It falls on the eve of Norouz, Persian new year, a time when Iranians typically gather in proud celebration, observing rites that date back over 3,000 years, way before Islam, to the age of Zoroastrianism, when their ancient land produced the world's first monotheistic religion. It is not a particularly welcome season to be portrayed as pillaging, deranged savages. Since the entire country will be on two weeks of official holiday, there will be no shortage of time to sit about discussing the slight and what it portends for Iran's current confrontation with the United States. For a people prone to conspiracy logic, the box office success of 300, compared with the relative flop of Alexander (another spurious period epic dealing with Persians) is cause for considerable alarm, signaling ominous U.S. intentions.
While the hullabaloo over 300 may dampen Iranians' holiday spirits, it offers common cause between people and their estranged government. Top officials and parliament have scorned the film as though it were a matter of state, and for the first time in a long while, taxi drivers are shaking their fists in agreement when the state news comes on. Agreeing that 300 is egregious drivel is fairly easy. I'm relatively mellow as Iranian nationalists go, and even I found myself applauding when the government spokesman described the film as fabrication and insult. Iranians view the Achaemenid empire as a particularly noble page in their history and cannot understand why it has been singled out for such shoddy cinematic treatment, as the populace here perceives it, with the Persians in rags and its Great King practically naked. The Achaemenid kings, who built their majestic capital at Persepolis, were exceptionally munificent for their time. They wrote the world's earliest recorded human rights declaration, and were opposed to slavery. Cuneiform plates show that Persepolis was built by paid staff rather than slaves And any Iranian child who has visited Persepolis can tell you that its preserved reliefs depict court dress of velvet robes, and that if anyone was wearing rags around 500 B.C., it wasn't the Persians.
It is going to take an act of foolhardy courage to distribute that film in Iran. It will truly be 70 million against 300.

Spammers

2007-03-13T23:22:00.000-04:00

Someone informed me that my old blog home has been overtaken by spammers:

http://therealnic.blogspot.com

I told you it was getting too popular...

now I'm kinda sad I let it go, it's like seeing your child grow up to be a whore.

:( bye bye old site

I like you

2007-03-11T14:18:00.000-04:00

5:30 am

Drunk Navy: "I love you"
*silence*
Drunk Navy: "I shouldn't have said that"
Nic: "You're just drunk"
Drunk Navy: "Yeah"
Nic: "I like you too"
Drunk Navy: "I think I need to go to sleep"
Nic: "ok"
*silence*
Nic: "Navy?"
*silence*
Nic: "Night navy..."
*click*

47 days

2007-03-10T14:31:00.000-05:00

I think I've taken too many of my herbal brain stimulators.

I'm sitting here typing up CNS trying to get path out of the way, so I can make my way into the world of EKG's and OBGYN for my ICM quiz on monday.

I think I'm more focused now. I am still numb about the weird phone calls. Apparently a silver SUV came by our house again last night, pulled into the driveway, honked, and left... I however was out eating dinner with a friend from back home and people who were visiting her here. So I am just pretending it didn't happen. All this has really done to me is cause me to be more afraid of the dark (like walking to my car parked in the garage alone) and cause distress before quizzes.

I have tests coming up, so I hope this gets fixed.

What can I procrastinate with by telling you about?

I haven't talked to TB since the weird girlfriend incident. Actually, I haven't even thought about him since then. Funny.

Thing with navy are... hmmm. I've convinced myself it's not going anywhere. This all stems from a nice little convo I had with him when he drunk dialed me:
Navy: "What do you think will happen with us when you get home?"
Nic: "I don't know"
Navy: "You shouldn't be answering like that by now, you should know"
Nic: "It's complicated"
Navy: "Why?"
*silence*
Navy: "Tell me"
*silence*
Navy: "Are you seeing someone on the island?"
Nic: "WHAT?!"
Navy:"Then what?"
Nic: "It's just stuff I want to talk about when I come home, after I figure out if we actually feel like this when we're around each other"
Navy: "Spill"
Nic: "It's just that, there's a future to think about. I'm in GRAD SCHOOL, you're a freshman in college credit wise. I understand you've been working, but even if you went to school full time you wouldn't be graduated in two years and how could I introduce you to my parents? You're military, no college degree, and only have a promise that you want to make it big as an entrepreneur."
Navy: "So you're telling me that my future plans and education is going to affect if you date me?"
*silence*
Navy: "Would that make a difference?"
Nic: "I don't know"
*silence*
Nic: "Does that bother you?"
Navy: "Kinda"
Nic: "You have to understand, it's a cultural thing"
Navy: "What if I told you I knew all I'd only be getting is my associates, that I know that I would be a success without a college degree?"
Nic: "Let me tell you a story, psycho was/is going to be a politician. He was/is going to be a success. He was in college when I started dating him, but he was an idiot and didn't register for his class properly, so he just stopped going. He didn't come from a good family, his mother is a drunk, and his father beat him or something - he definitely fucked him up. He was the first in his family to stand on his own and he was SURE, he is SURE he's going to be someone. He told me that FOUR years ago before I committed to him, and look where he is now? Reenlisted in the military and psychotic."
Navy: "don't compare me to him"
Nic: "And what's the point of an associates you might as well not even get a degree"
Navy: "I don't want to talk about this anymore"
Nic: "You brought it up"
Navy: "We'll figure this out when you get home"
Nic: "We have to"
Navy: "I just base how I feel about someone on them as a person, not them on paper."
Nic: "Yeah, I use to be like that to"

He passed out a couple minutes later with me on the phone... so that little tingly feeling with him is kinda... i dunno. When I'm around I can't wait to get him on the phone, and then when he's there I have nothing to say to him. I guess the education thing really does matter to me. But I shouldn't even really be caring if I don't know how I really feel right?

48 days

2007-03-08T07:31:00.000-05:00

I'm currently sitting at the little cafe on campus waiting for the dean of students. Today we're going to the police station - the whole stalker thing has gotten out of hand.

Yeah I freaked out the first day, and maybe even the second time it happened... but now it's become to casual - not to mention there was a car I didn't know sitting outside my house monday night honking for about an hour each time on two different occasions.

So last night a friend came over, and they concluded that the asshat calls me whenever he thinks I'm alone, or atleast does the drive by. Then one of my roommate's left and the second she did my friend's phone rang from a withheld number. She didn't pick up and the message seemed to be from a local. It scared them, me? Not so much. People call wrong numbers all the time right? Besides, asshat's voice has an american accent, NOT antiguan.

So they continue to freak themselves out hardcore while we should be studying EKG's, and finally they get me to call the neighbor boys to come over. I call and ask one of them to just come over and study with us. He said ok.

The second they knew he was coming, their fear was heightened, the lights went off, and they sat by the window looking for him. I went into the kitchen to make sandwiches - he came about 15 minutes later, and they filled me in.

Somewhere between him showing up and them freaking out, I too got sucked in. I was sitting in the kitchen making sandwiches when I thought I heard something in the back yard. So I freak out a little and jump into the dining room where I could see them talking about asshat. Then I realize I'm being dumb, go back in the kitchen and listen again - and AGAIN I hear something in the back yard. So to prevent myself from going crazy I go back and intend on asking them to come into the kitchen with me so I'm not alone. Mid sentence the door to my roommate's room opens (the one that had left an hour before) and I just yelp omg, run towards them with what I am told later "the most horrible facial expression" and proceed to hyperventilate, then cry, then laugh, then cry some more, then shake a little more... and then laugh - hysterically.

The guy that was over checked it out and said no one was there - it was a gust of wind.

A GUST OF FUCKING WIND - THAT BLEW OPEN THE DOOR I WAS RIGHT NEXT TO AND OPENED IT (it was completely shut) AT THE PERFECT TIME.

Oh that's nice. I never cry or do any of that bullshit, and in front of 3 people I had a nice little break down. PERFECT.

So I said fuck it, and I called the dean of students, and now we're going to the police station.

Asshat also called me last night at 4 in the morning.
I hate him.

3:48 AM
RING RING
me: "hello?"
asshat:"hello?"
me realizing it's him, with a withheld number
me slamming the hang up button
me realizing i clicked the hang up button too many times, and that i'd erased the evidence.
me freaked out till about 5 AM

me waking up around 7:45 late, slept through 2 alarms, and now here, waiting, to go to the freakin police station... and find out who this MFer is.

I hate you asshat

56 days

2007-02-28T15:58:00.000-05:00

Last night some tard called my phone at 1 in the morning with a withheld number. I usually don't pick those up because I'm scared it's GM, but in my half groggy state I picked up. Some guy was blabbing about something I didn't understand, and I said that I think he had the wrong number. Then he asked who I was, which I told him (idiot!) and said this is antigua right? and i said yes (still half asleep) and then he asked me how much it would cost him to get a blow job.

omg

i hung up

and then he proceeded to call me every 2 minutes until i turned my phone off.

I sat in my bed shaking for awhile after I turned my phone off (that was around 2) and then I finally called my roommate to come into my room to talk for a little. I was seriously scared. I've had 2 stalkers before this. One in high school, one in college. I knew the kid in high school, and he would drive by my house all the time. I was never really scared in that situation. But I DID NOT know the guy in college, and he definitely tried to contact me a lot, as well as met me one morning before my 7AM class to - well I don't know what he was planning on doing, I ran.

Granted the guy didn't have an accent like GM's it was more... nerdy, sounded more like an american accent, but that can only mean some freak from school got my number and called me. I am FREAKING THE FUCK OUT.

Now had it happened once, I would have assumed it was a prank call. But the asshole kept calling me, so it has to be personal.

Now I'm really scared.

I am not kidding, I mean it, scared, I didn't go to classes today.

So I'm sitting home, alone, waiting for the roommates to come back so I can take a shower... and I am

freaking

out.

freaking out!!!

I want home :(

Random thought

2007-02-28T13:32:00.000-05:00

My friend stuck her baby on some type of baby idol thingie back home. She asked us to vote for him. My first thought was, DAMN, she has an ugly baby, but as I was just going through this site I thought:

DAMN!!!

There are a LOT of ugly babies out there.

*shiver*

...

*knock on wood*

Mental Note:

2007-02-28T13:02:00.000-05:00

No this has absolutely nothing to do with recent posts, but I have decided the first man to buy me this wins my heart. haha, jk.

I found it while browsing for watches with navy last night. I'd first seen it on TV on some reality show and fell in love. I'd looked for it then to figure out who made it but low and behold, I found it on the Harry Winston site.

God it's gorgeous. This would be the only reason I'd ever decide to get married... that and passing on my genetic information :). I'd have cute babies, I'm sure of it.

Antigua got hit by an earthquake

2007-02-27T17:28:00.000-05:00

Is it weird that I heard it before I felt it?

http://www.emsc-csem.org/index.php?page=current⊂=detail&id=39896

Shit.

2007-02-25T19:33:00.000-05:00

Said through AIM convo:

"Navy's cell": I think im falling in love with you

Nic: me too...

I know it's not possible, I know it's in my head - and I am fully aware this weird little feeling that keeps building might just go away when we see each other again.

But I don't know if I should fight it... or move along with it.

59 days and I guess I'll get my answer.

60 days

2007-02-24T22:00:00.000-05:00

Well today was pretty eventful. Yesterday started of annoyingly by the start of my period.

Yes boys and girls, that meant emotional nic day :).

Ok so lets see, to start if off, last night there was a nice little shooting right outside my house. Yes yes, that was amazing. Woke me up nice and early at 3 am. Apparently the shots had been going off before. 1 shot woke me up "pop"... and then about 5 minutes later it was followed by a "pop pop."

What was my first instinct on that first shot? Did I grab my cell phone and call a neighbor? Did I check all the doors? No no, I wrap my blanket around me (i sleep naked) and run to my roomie's room to see if she was ok (this was RIGHT outside my window, and i don't live where there are a lot of houses) then grab my vonage phone and call navy.

I called navy.

Why? I dunno, but I did.

He didn't pick up.

Then what do I do when I for gain consciousness in the morning?

I call navy.

Incoherent.

Sleepy.

Groggy.

Ugh!!!

Anyway, TB also decided to contact me today. Remember when I told you he wrote me to tell me he had a new girlfriend? Ok well skype has this habit of saving your unsent messages and sending them later when both parties are online. So mid convo my internet cut out, and about 2 weeks ago sent my reply to some question he asked me about -- i don't even remember what it was about actually.

I guess said girlfriend was sitting behind the computer.

She feels threatened by me or something, and go mad at TB for talking to me. Not exactly sure why, but he IMs me today to tell me about it and to apologize for not talking to me for awhile. Then mentions his girlfriend not liking that we talk and somehow I got the impression he was saying we couldn't talk anymore. I of course get annoyed, and say fine, nice knowing you. He realized how his little request came out and started backtracking a little - but i dunno, i was annoyed. Insert hormones here.

Now, navy and I have a weird relationship. I've grown very attached to him, and stuff I would normally keep to myself I usually say to him. In my annoyed state, the first thing I did was IM navy and say "you'll never guess what happened"

Then in the middle of telling him my annoyance, I realize - hey. WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING. And start to freak myself out.

Nic does not being attached to boys.

So I decided to scare him away. Yes, yes I did. Hormones are a bitch.

Because he'd thrown the "what are we" line at me earlier (did I ever mention this? I told him I would answer him when I got home...) I threw it back. I mentioned how I didn't think we had a future. I told him I was 24 and wanted to get married (LOL!). I told him he wasn't stable - blah blah blah.

To which he laughed...

LAUGHED

and said "Nic, I know you better than you think, stop trying to freak me out."

...

Damn him.

He told me I didn't want to get married, that I should make decisions about my future without coming home first, and that no matter what I said the distance didn't bother him and that I was stuck with him.

Then I reminded him we weren't in a relationship - and he laughed.

So I made a mental note to try and not talk to him as much. He's out right now for his farewell weekend with his buddies where he's stationed before he's moved to DC. Just before he went out I got a "kiss" goodbye on webcam and it gave me butterflies.

Is this possible? I MET THIS GUY ONCE!

I need to work harder on my freaking out abilities... I'm losing my mojo.

61 days

2007-02-23T22:49:00.000-05:00

I had a long post planned, but I feel that this image speaks louder than my typed words.

If you know, you know... If you don't

google it :)

BBC

2007-02-21T08:21:00.000-05:00

Sometimes this video made me happy, sometimes it made me upset, and sometimes it made me sad... Overall it made me want to visit tehran

Click to watch

69 days

2007-02-15T16:49:00.000-05:00

Navy's package came:

HOW CUTE!!!

He got me a polar bear because I complain so much about missing all the snow near my home, and cheddar chex mix because antiguans don't know how amazing it is. He also sent a very sappy card that actually made me smile. Anyway, I took a picture to post (yes that is my bed) and made up a stupid little story about the polar bear stealing my chex mix that made me laugh...

shut up, I have a test tomorrow - procrastination is key

:)

70 days

2007-02-14T19:37:00.000-05:00

Today was valentines day... thankfully very uneventful in the world of unwanted men :)

Before I start I wanted to say I thankfully didn't fail my ICM exam. Though it caught me offguard, I still scored above the average. I was hoping it would scare me... it's ok, I have to focus on path on friday.

In other news, as AMSA president today marked the big day for my first fundraiser. I put together a little valentine's gram thing at our school labeled "I have a Ting for you."

Ting is the Caribbean's version of sprite, but instead of lemon lime it uses grapefruit juice.

We send someone an anonymous gram from you, but without knowing who it's from. They in turn can figure out it's you buy paying us additional moolah (unless you dish out more money to make us make it anonymous).

I did it for the Sunshine home for girls, a little orphanage on the island with 12 little girls that have no parents - unfortunately in an effort to keep from doing all the work myself I teamed up with the MED4 class (in hopes to raise money for our banquet)...

yeah they didn't do shit.

I wrote this to tell you of all the things that went wrong, how the MED4 VP got in my face after I called her out on doing bullshit, and how things seemed dim until the very end... but I don't really feel like it.

How about I tell you I made $3500 dollars for these little girls so far, with the money still rolling in. How about I tell you that unlike many others on this island, I busted my ass for 12 children who don't know who I am and got them something in 2 weeks that they've needed for years. I won't be getting recognized, I won't be seeing the money, but I hope to see the effect it has on their lives.

As much as it sounds like a line, every time shit would hit the fan and stress me out, I'd mutter to myself "All I want to do is help the little orphans!" That would make me laugh enough to finish up what needed to be done. Be it searching the island for Ting (they for some odd reason stop making it stupid fucks), organizing lists of 400 people, or staying up till 2 AM making the stupid ting.

Hopefully everyone had an amazing valentines day - navy apparently sent me something but I think the island ate it like it eats everything else. And thankfully, no flowers from LSAT.

I'm out!
nic

71 days

2007-02-13T08:53:00.000-05:00

Since the CPE saga seems to be continuing, I've decided to show you all our little e mail convo (cut and paste from beginning to end):

CPE:

Nic,
Do you know this girl? deleted URL

She is Persian and from (edit, my home town). I was at a school retreat with my girlfriend last weekend, and she was on my jock all night. Wouldn't leave me alone! Just curious if you knew her... ttyl.

-CPE

p.s. who's your valentine this year?

Nic:

ew, no - did she mention knowing me?

she seems like she'd be your type though

looks like you liked it: (insert URL of them together)

CPE:

Ewwww...what type is that?

That picture is typical. I was randomly asked to pose. I have standards...

*sigh*

Nic:

if she was on your jock, and your girlfriend was there, why did you accept her facebook invitation?

CPE:

Argghhh...because I wanted to see who she was! You can't look at her profile unless you accept the invitation

Nic:

i could see her profile just fine

CPE:

Hmmmm...I don’t like the way face book is setup. Anyhow, I had all 4 wisdom teeth yanked out last week. I should be getting promoted on March 1. I am moving up in the world...

How is school?

This is your last semester before Miami right?

Nic:

was sending me a picture of some girl that "was all up on your jank" some kind of weird way of getting me to talk to you?

CPE:

NO. I thought it was bizarre that a Persian chick from (edit, where I live) of all places was harassing me. I was curious to know if you knew her. I survive w/ out talking to you easily. You think I have some twisted motive of talking to you. I don't. Talking to you is like talking to one of my boys. You’re a friend. That's it. Chill out Colombo!

What did your guy get you for Valentines day?

...I haven't responded.

Is it bad I find this amusing? He needs to see a shrink.

tomorrow is the dreaded V day... lord help me.

72 days

2007-02-12T15:44:00.000-05:00

I come back after failing my ICM exam (miserably might I add) and getting one of my worst grades on my pharm exam (2/5 questions right) to this VERY annoying e mail:

Nic,

Do you know this girl? deleted URL

She is Persian and from (edit, my home town). I was at a school retreat with my girlfriend last weekend, and she was on my jock all night. Wouldn't leave me alone! Just curious if you knew her... ttyl.

-CPE

p.s. who's your valentine this year?

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!!! I TELL YOU TO LEAVE ME ALONE AND AFTER IGNORING YOUR CALLS FOR A WEEK YOU SEND ME A NASTY GIRL THAT YOU PROBABLY FUCKED?!

disgusting.

So I went to her facebook page and found a couple of shots of them together, and replied to his little e mail saying she seemed like his type, stuck in the pictures, and added that he probably liked it.

annoying.

shoot me

Icon!

2007-02-10T22:38:00.000-05:00

I made a little icon for my blog!!! How cool is that?!

Iconart is awesome...

now if you bookmark me you'll see my legs tanning by the caribbean sea :)

76 days

2007-02-08T09:38:00.000-05:00

There comes a time in every woman's life where she admits:

I want a baby

Not now of course, but the hospital rounds this morning landed us in the neonatal unit. We were doing the usual - standing in the corner - listening to the doctor preach - while the uncomfortable patient feels like 7 students are staring at her - bit *breath*, when it happened.

I looked at the patients belly, all round and bloated, and wanted a baby.

Then I freaked out.
Yes.
Yes I did.

It didn't help that a few seconds later when the doctor checked for her baby's heart beat - and we finally heard it - I got all teary eyed.

I am a freak.

I got to feel the next patients belly though. SOOOOOOOOO COOL

A friend came and sat next to me and I got distracted... I forgot where I was going with this. whoops - short blog, sorry

77 days

2007-02-07T07:09:00.000-05:00

Meh, maybe I'm the bipolar one...

The "heat" I felt with navy seems to be sizzling out on my end, where as on his it seems to be growing. I still like speaking to him, but the NEED seems to be gone now, he just seems like habit. I dunno. I hope I don't hurt him when I come home. I keep telling him I'll only be home for a couple days if I don't go to b'more... he says he doesn't care. What if I do?

LSAT study buddy has asked B how to send me flowers here. Shit. I haven't really spoken to him all that much since that little myspace breaking heart weird e mail shit.

Backing up.

B IMs me and tells me someone wants to send me flowers - and refused to tell me because she said it was funny. I asked if it was her, my mom, the other 2 in our group, cynically asked if it was CPE ("DO YOU THINK I WOULD SPEAK TO CPE?!"), I even asked if it was navy (which meant she grilled me about what was going on... which I craftily dodged masterfully). Finally after LSAT randomly IMed me and we spoke for awhile (where he mentioned we're going to a nice dinner when I go home) I guessed him, and she finally told me.

I asked her if she really thought helping him was a good idea.

...she masterfully dodged that question the little toad.

I don't want LSAT to buy me flowers!!! WHY IS VALENTINES DAY SO FREAKING ANNOYING!!!

I want a hole, I'm going to climb into it, put a rock over it, and run away from any man that attempts to be nice to me. I don't want you to be nice.

ok ok, a teddy bear WOULD be cute... but not if you want to actually date me. GAH!

...valentines day should be a day for friends NOT lovers.

P.S. Please take this moment to review what happened to me LAST Valentines day. I am cursed.

Don't judge us

2007-02-03T20:15:00.000-05:00

Based on the actions of others...

Though there are some that believe this is the way to greatness, never group a culture according to their religion - or judge their intent due to the misinterpretation of the majority's religion.

Some of us believe that He works in other ways..

81 days

2007-02-03T15:22:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I gave my first abdominal exam.

*breathe*

AAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

:)

Because we're not allowed to touch patients yet, our ICM professors pay patients with chronic (long term) illnesses come in and have us practice on them. I took my first history on a woman who had suffered from breast cancer. She was sweet, and I scared her senseless telling her to make sure she checked herself monthly because the lump can come back. They're very patient with us, and tend to know more about the process than we do.

"What is your present complaint?"
"You're supposed to tell me your name first"
"Hello, my name is Nic, what brings you here to see us today?"
"You're supposed to ask my name next."

highly annoying... because later we'll have nurses doing that kind of stuff for us. Anyway, I've seen patients so far with Grave's disease (with their massive bulging eyeballs), breast cancer, and hydrocephali (half of her face was paralyzed). I had the pleasure of giving the girl with hydrocephali an exam.

What sucked was that she had massive abdominal (stomach) scars, and I couldn't really feel around like I was supposed to. I also got in trouble for not cutting my nails... bah.

It was awkward, but cool at the same time. She was very patient with us, but at the very same time really shy. I'm sure 12 medical students asking you a million questions and hovering over you isn't too reassuring.

Anyway - that was exciting. I also learned how to take a proper blood pressure reading. I'll never be able to figure out diastolic readings... gah! Practice makes perfect no?

...I'm going to go and attack my roommate's arm. Let's see how her BP reads :)

_*_*_*_*Later in the day*_*_*_*_

-roomie had low BP btw, I thought I was doing something wrong, damn her.

in other news:

Is it normal for a person to become so infatuated with someone she's met only once, and knows she has no future with?

navy sucks dude, I'm doomed.

Does this mean I have dependency issues? That i need male attention? WHAT GIVES!!! I AM A BITCH TO MEN DAMMIT, WHAT IS WITH ALL THIS EMOTION!!!?!?!?!

... I haven't stopped thinking about him all day. He sends me little text messages from his phone letting me know he's thinking about me.

We both agree this weird talking on the phone thing is FREAKISH but because we both admit it, it's ok. We both admit the fact that we didn't think we would see each other again after new years (I think I mentioned before that I kissed him and cuddled). We both have no idea how we became "close" in such a short time span...

EW DUDE, I DON'T LIKE THIS SHIT.

I think it might have something to do with the fact that he's no where near me, and I usually get annoyed with people who pay too much attention to me in the beginning. This is kinda like the J situation right before I left for school. It also helps that he's not totally into me from the looks aspect and due to distance has been forced to become attracted to me intellectually.

I hate guys that know nothing about and rave about how much they like me. Kiss my ass.

Regardless I still don't think it's going to go anywhere, I'm absolutely sure of it. He's young. He's going to change. AND the age thing really bothers me. I guess a year is ok, but 2.5 is kinda much. (i just killed a mosquito - little shit) Plus he's in the military, which I hate and though he is very ambitious, he hasn't finished college or started any plans for after he gets out of the military.

Why am I talking about this as if it's a possibility?

I have been semi flirting with a guy one semester above me who is currently in b'more on clinical rotations. He's not that attractive, not that tall, but he's really cool. I dunno... hot attractive navy vs. nice sweet medy.

medy is also shy. Who knows.

oh yeah, real quick - the mosquito issue is getting out of hand. I swapped at one earlier today while reading for my ICM quiz monday, and the fatass was so full of my blood (MY BLOOD) that when my hand barely hit her, her engorged belly flew down into my book and SPLAT blood all over it. I'm not kidding, the mid air impact left a star shaped blood streak on my hand AND book, and I didn't even make full contact with her. I couldn't wipe the blood off my book... I am highly annoyed... there's a big red mark in the GI hemorrhage section (how quaint).

Stupid mosquitoes... go away

83 days

2007-02-01T22:43:00.000-05:00

Someone another mosquito found its way into my room, got under my shirt, and bit the lower medial portion of my right breast. THAT PIECE OF SHIT! IT ITCHES!

Mr. nasty mosquito doesn't know he's going to die soon.

I'm sitting here, in a fetal position, sitting on a white sheet with a can full of aerosolic BOP spray waiting for the pervert to try to suck me again. OOOOOO he's gonna get it!

In other news, CPE is a bipolar FREAK. Here is a run down (edited to delete names and put in order) of the last batch of e mails he's sent me. He's started up the calling/IMing/e mailing nonesense bit again. He wants attention, I'm too stressed out to deal with him sooooo for your enjoyment, a day in the life of nic/cpe (p.s. he's sent more since this... annoying)

CPE: What do you want to be?

Nic: we've gone over this so many times, i get the feeling you're not listenting to me

CPE: I do listen to you...You mentioned peds

Nic: (one day without answering back to his e mail)

CPE: Were on the verge of war with Iran...

Nic: but we've always known that

i told you that 5 years ago

CPE:
Why is it so hard to talk to you. I'm trying to be friendly, and everything is a smartass remark. What goes it? You get off by trying to correct me and show that you are smarter than I. Just be chill.

So what's new?

Nic:
why? I mean seriously CPE, WHY

you claim you want to be my friend but you get a new girlfriend and turn into a smart ass. Then you find me on aim when you and your girl are having troubles asking for my advice - which i give. You make a big deal about contacting me on xmas and my birthday - but then I realize you're just lonely because your girl isn't in town. Now you want to talk and "be friends" again.

let me guess - things are rocky with the girlfriend.

my friends put me first CPE. They don't call me names or throw my past in my face. They're there for me in good times and bad - and are generally there for me even if i do things they don't like.

you just want attention, and i'm sorry, but i'm not your fallback person. If you want to be my "friend" prove it. I'm sick of giving you any more chances - you are bipolar. You get upset at me for stupid reasons - most of them being that I didn't want to get back together with you or that I was dating a guy when you wanted me to pay attention to you. What happened when I needed someone? When I was going through a hard time? When I needed a shoulder? --- oh I know, you acted like your usual self.

I think you've done enough.

I will always be here for you when you hit hard times, don't get me wrong, I care very much for you - but don't insult my intelligence by telling me you want to just "be friends."

CPE doesn't know how to have friends.

Hope you're have a great day
Nic

p.s. don't bullshit me with the "fair enough" or the "nobody said i was perfect" or the "everyone makes mistakes" response. I've heard that bullshit enough too.

CPE:
Wow.

I didn't expect to get that kind of response from you.

Let me clear a few things up. Things are great between my girlfriend and I. Period. I have an awesome girlfriend.

Next, I understand your point of view. I have been selfish and a bit of an ass on a variety of occasions. And you are right! I have very few friends in my life that I care for. Saying that, I have no hidden motives in trying to befriend you! I just want to be friends. If that is a source for your frustration, I'm sorry about that. And speaking of your friends, deep down you should know that I would always be here for you if you needed someone.

Now, when I contacted you that one night about some issues I had, I did so because I trust your judgment, I respect what your opinions and considering the content of the conversation, I considered you a subject matter expert.

I wish the best for you and I hope your relationship(s) are going as you had hoped.

Relax!

I ignored him, and he's continued to call/IM/e mail me atleast 6-7 times a day since. He either sends me a foward making fun of germany (he still thinks I'm dating TB) or IMs me saying hi, and then doesn't say a word.

BI FUCKING POLAR

OH! And TB called me... he wanted to inform me he has a new girlfriend, and asked who navy was. That was pretty weird. I haven't spoken to him since the before the winter break. I guess he'd gone to my myspace and seen a new guy popping in and out. OOOO BOOOOY. Anyway, I didn't ask any questions about his new girl while he was grilling me on Navy, I wasn't jealous but I did get a little ping in my heart when he told me he'd met her. Infatuation is a bitch, I really thought I cared about him.
He asked if I was still coming to see him in Germany, I joked that I'd have to ask his girlfriend first - he replied "she won't be around then." I may go... when I have time... WITH SOMEONE. That would be very awkward. I'd definitely sleep with him if I were alone and drunk... just cause I'd be in Germany and that would be cool. Must prevent self from using poor defenseless men... stop stop stop...

The mosquito disappeared. I guess sucking on my breast filled the little pervert up. IT STILL ITCHES DAMMIT.

p.s. my path test went ok today, I knew a lot more than I thought I did, last minute cramming did me well. We'll see when I get my grades.

84 days

2007-01-31T16:30:00.000-05:00

I THINK SOMEONE I KNOW FOUND ME.

I'm sure you're all wondering why I changed the link to my blog... yes well, I think somehow someone I knew found me.

Sitemeter showed that someone found my Iran essay interesting enough to post on some london craigslist rants and raves forum. I couldn't find the actual post but regardless... they posted it (update, I found it: clicky). This in turn brought about 400 people to my page, one being from my home town, who view the page for an unnervingly long time, and revisited the page on 3 different occasions. I know you're thinking it's probably a very large town, yadda yadda, NO. We all know each other, it's a tight knit community, and all things point to EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

HOLY SHIT, WAY TOO CLOSE TO HOME.

Now i have to re figure the comments thingie (update: done), and make a new site meter, and DAMMIT! ERRRRRRRG

I have a pathology test tomorrow on lung, head & neck, and breast. The teacher just finished breast today - that's about 200 pages of reading in robbins, plus pictures. SHOOT ME.

I have more to say but thinking of my exam is freaking me out, also... a very annoying mosquito keeps biting me and I'm on high alert so I can kill that sucker. Distractions distractions...

I'm so going to kill it. (update: I still haven't killed it)
(update #2: mission accomplished, mosquito killed 6:00pm - and i think its little sucker is stuck in me, it itches like a bitch!!! - all the micro involved in this is starting to freak me out)
nic out

Believe me now?

2007-01-28T10:32:00.000-05:00

You didn't believe me, but how about Ted Koppel?

main thing I didn't like though was how he called the current leader of Iran the "Shah" for the past 25 years.

That fucker isn't the King, our KING is in hiding.

Also - National Geographic listed Iran's independence day right around when the religious extremists took over. The persians in america and going crazy over it... writing petitions and etc. I'll try to go through me e mail and get the full scope.

Till then - watch the video... listen carefully to when he talks about helping overthrow the shah, the support of saddam, and how Iranians must view Americans after all this.

Another war is brewing ladies and gents... brace yourselves.

Mine

2007-01-26T20:38:00.000-05:00

It constantly amazes me what catches people's attention on the net. I've been writing this blog consistently for over a year now, even though I started it broken more than 2 years past. I've written about loving, heart breaking, playing, bitching and moaning. I've shown how I've grown from a child with no direction to a medical student finishing her second year of school soon to start her clinicals. I've shown my opinions, things I've found amusing, things that capture my attention. I've shown I'm not perfect, and how I cope with the confusion of being a child in an adult's body...

And what's the one thing that most people are attracted to on my site above all things?

Sex and violence.

My page had over 700 view's from around the world when I stuck up the UCLA taser incident. When I laughed about the "Indian's having small penii" BBC article, again - hits from all over the world. I mention phone sex on MY blog, MY diary - and G who hasn't left a comment in over 3 weeks takes time to make his presence known. "Why would people want to read this?"

But when I write anything about my opinions, my thoughts, anything - no those aren't interesting. Who cares about how I feel about Iran, who cares about what went through my head before I had direction in life?

I don't mean this rant towards those I have somehow "befriended" in the blog world. Those that have a vague feeling of who I am and in some sense understand why I think a freshly dissected heart looks beautiful. It's those that stalk the internet that... skeeve me out.

Why search the net for sex and violence? Why does that attract people so much? Because it's taboo?

Why are these 14 year olds putting pictures of themselves up holding a camera to a foggy bathroom mirror in their bra's and panties on myspace? Why was I able to find over 200 video's of "girl fight" on myspace? Why does it scare the crap out of me that my little sister is now legal, and wants to go clubbing back home without me? -- oh I know, because everyone is only interested in sex and violence, and her innocence can so easily be taken away from her.

At one point in time I kinda cared who read this. I wanted feed back. I wanted people to see my initial hurt 2 years ago when the man I thought I loved broke my heart. I wanted support when I left home and put up my feelings on the internet. But then I realized this blog was more about me. I come on here and try to re-read my blogs, to see how I've changed. It's STILL hard to read how KFP eff'd me up - I honestly can't even read through one WHOLE blog because I feel sick at how stupid I was.

So in response to you G, why would I put this up for people to read?

Because that's what a blog is. A public diary. I choose to keep my identity to myself, but you're right - it would be very easy to figure out who I am.

But then again - this blog doesn't have that much sex OR violence, I'm not too sure many people would care about the actual person that writes it.

89 days

2007-01-26T16:41:00.000-05:00

We have hit the 80's. :)

Today my path teacher scared the crap out of us talking about the upcoming world cricket match being held here in good ol' antigua. The government has decided it's going to implement a temporary sales tax of 17% for 3 months. Shocker, that'll be right when all the tourists start coming. They're estimating over 50,000 people planning to attend 8 sets of matches. The population of Antigua is currently 79,000.

I hope the island doesn't sink.

So he advised us to stock up on gas, food, etc etc etc. They're even planning tests around the 10 day period where games are going to be the worst. He advised girls to get guyfriends to sleep over in case there were robbings, and asked us please please please not to go into town.

All that talk freaked me out just a little... but I kinda still want tickets to see the world cricket match.

I'll never have that opportunity again y'know?

94 days

2007-01-22T15:24:00.000-05:00

I went to the hospital today, to witness my first autopsy. It's horrible how detached I am from viewing a person as a person once they're opened up. It's also horrible how cool I thought the man looked all fresh vs. the cadavers we initially learned from. Ok ok sorry, let me back up.

47 year old man, sudden death, no history of illness, chronic alcohol abuse, unkempt appearance, drug use suspected. He was found face first in his living room by his niece holding his morning "spirit."

A family witness and police officer sat across from the pathologist who asked them each a series of questions like: how did you find him, any froth around his lips, any vomit noticed, does he have a history of disease, etc.

After questioning they took them into the room to identify the body. The rasta man's niece was surprisingly calm, identifying him and leaving with the rest of the family.

Then they cut off his clothes. I know it's horrible but I looked... the man had a MASSIVE penis. I tried not to stare, I swear. HUGE.

They went through the autopsy while another pathologist grilled us with questions. The I kept getting distracted by the autopsy... I wanted to cut. Is that weird?

She kept showing us body parts and I was giddy. I loved the heart the most, it was beautiful. The muscles and papillary fibers were perfect, a reminder of how fragile we really are. His lungs were horrible. Probably due to smoking and the such. Signs of emphysema were present... what a waste of an amazing organ. I saw his brain, more fluid than our "fixed" brains in anatomy. She cut into it and I saw the grey and white matter, I saw the adrenals, kidney, liver looking like they were covered with gloss... god I'm going crazy thinking about it.

I asked them if I could just come back and sit there while they cut and study - she laughed and said it would be fine. I don't know when I'll be able to do it, I have lab's in the morning when they do these, but dammit if I'm not going to try.

Too bad foreign medical grads have a slim to nothing chance of going into cardiology. That heart was amazing... *breathe*

95 days

2007-01-21T11:42:00.000-05:00

2 days ago i had the sudden urge to fix my vonage phone.

A bobby pin, butter knife, nail polish, sweat, strength, rubber band and a hair tie later I fixed it.

YAAAAAAAY ME! (Who needs a man.)

The first person I called was my best friend B around 10:30. Her phone was off. So of course I call her again yesterday to tell her I fixed my phone.

She immediately begins sobbing. I freak out.

"What's wrong, are you ok, what happened?!" etc.

"I left home yesterday, my plane landed here at 11, I got a message saying Dad died and I couldn't stop crying. I finally got myself to stop crying and couldn't start up again. I started having panic attacks so I went to my boyfriend's house to hide. I turned off my phone and turned it on just now and you call. How did you know? I haven't been able to cry till I heard your voice, I miss you."

I can't stop hearing her say these things to me over and over again verbatim.

I guess you can always tell when someone near you needs you. I was in a very weird depressed mood the night B's father died. You can see from my little blog that I had a nice little rant. I felt the need to talk to her - I didn't know why. Now I do.

Again back to the whole weird spirituality thing that I believe in, but God knew she needed attention. She said all of us called her that night because we were thinking about her, and how we've never ALL actually done that on the same night.

I don't know how to give her advice. I made myself shut up and listen to her. I tried to have her talk it out herself like I was taught in my behavioral class - until she yelled at me to stop acting like a doctor and more like a friend. I told her fine - but she needed to promise to see someone. I told her regression causes too many problems for someone as fucked up as her to deal with ;) - and she started laughing. "See, there's my nic"

She went out drinking last night. I sent her about 300 text messages saying I love you so she'd feel supportive. I called my family to support her because hers is across the country, and I blew up her e mail and myspace with all the attention I could muster.

I don't know how to handle this. I want to be strong for her and help her through this, and for once... I have no idea where to begin.

Before you judge a book by it's cover

2007-01-19T18:28:00.000-05:00

Internet speculation has started in on rumors that America is about to attack Iran come April. They say we're going to wage war, and many American's are starting to look down on the evil Iranians living in their fair land.

Well here's a head's up.

I was born in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma.

I am a first generation Iranian who's parents came here during the revolutionary overtaking of the shah.

My family use to be influential, they never knew hardships before the revolution, but suddenly they were thrown into a country who's language they didn't understand, where racists sneered at them to learn proper english and leave.

My parents attended Oklahoma university where my father played football with people who called him a camel jockey. He made them laugh by calling them buffalo jock's in his thick persian accent. He quit the team when his football mates played a practical joke on my mother's brother and left him stranded in his dorm room with no clothes or phone for an entire weekend. He thought they were insulting him, they didn't realize he'd take it so hard.

My parents would take their textbooks and translate it to farsi, each word at a time, learn it, then translate their answers back to English. They formed a small family huddling together, explaining each paragraph they had deciphered to the group - they made up the top 10% of the class. Obviously this couldn't be right, Iranians beating the smart blond and blue's of OU?! No way. So they were separated and asked questions orally... having to stumble through translating the oral questions and answering back in a language they didn't know. The dean of the school apologized to them all... they all got perfect scores. My mother was so good in her math classes, her professors would excuse her from future lectures and exams because she broke the curve.

I grew up with my father's teachings, telling me to believe in god, to know he was always with me - but firmly told me that he would never choose my religion for me. He told me I could be whatever I wanted as long as I knew god was in my life. My mother always tried to push for me to realize I was a muslim... she'd sneak in little comments "you know we're muslim right? Not like them, but in our own way." - which would anger my father. No, he wasn't going to act like those religious freaks that kicked us out of his country, his daughter was going to be free, in any decision she made in her life.

My father would tell me of where he grew up. "Tehran is beautiful," he would say "you look out the front window and see white mountains, and the back window and see plains."
He would tell me of white beaches made of shells that you "can't walk on without shoes, the shells dig into your toes." My mother would tell me ghost stories from her life growing up in a castle. Tea with her great great great grandmother in a room long abandoned, her grandfather dying and coming back to see her if she didn't pray, sitting with her at night helping her go to sleep. She'd tell me of the castle cat which would sometimes bring her kittens and put them under her blanket for safe keeping while she roamed the house for mice.

I grew up with the picture of the shah sitting on my grandmothers table by the door. A shrine built to the old regime. The triple color flag with a lion, a crown and a sun sat proudly beside her Koran and her king. She played rummy with people I later saw in my college history of Iran course. I could never mention them, they were wanted "criminals" to Iran's new regime. The dreaded "underground" still supportive of the shah. Devils.

I was never allowed to watch what the new regime was doing to our country. My grandmother would sit and scowl by her radio trying to hear news on the one Iranian only radio station America had. She had to pay extra to listen, it was based in California. She'd cry when she'd hear of villages being attacked, more people dying. She wasn't allowed to call home.

I never met my grandparents on my mother's side. Her sisters married into the new regime to protect their family. They cry every time we can get a hold of them on the phone and they hear my voice. I'm told American accents are "hot" to Iranians, they tell me my pictures are beautiful.

When I was learning how to read, my grandfather would try to sit with me and learn. He always told me how bright I was, how I was so much smarter than him - I was always annoyed when he asked me questions and zipped through the answers. He stopped asking, and I had been relieved... He tried to learn again through my little sister's books 6 years later - careful not to ask her too many questions.

Later in life my father would tell me stories. "You know he was the head of the police? I would steal his car, and run around town with the siren on, when the police would catch me they would be so scared of your grandfather they would send me home with a warning. I'd drive away with the siren on laughing." I would stare at my grandfather coming home in his 7-eleven work shirt and try to imagine him as the head of police... I found pictures in my grandmother's closet of their wedding. Her dripping in gold, him standing proud with all his medals and cried at 15 - how could he go from such greatness to 7-eleven?

During the Iran-America soccer game a couple years ago, I rooted for Iran. The stands held an overwhelming number of people carrying the shah's flag. No not the new flag, with their Arab words on it and Muslim symbols, the old flag with it's lion flapping proudly in time to their chants. Showing the Iranian people of America are not the same as those extremists living and censoring in Iran, but but those that believed in the king. Who came here to escape the extremists inhumanity.

So now the time is coming where America is going to attack the regime I've been taught to hate. The one who sent my family here and allowed me to grow up free in a land where I was taught to be myself, and not listen or bow down to anyone else's influence, and what do i see? American's looking down upon the Iranians that live in THEIR fair land, and casting them aside as the same fools that are running the country over the in the middle east.

Well here's a head's up. I am an American, as are my parents. I am an Iranian. I vote and I support my military. I speak English without an accent, but speak farsi with a heavy American twang. I tell people who complain about America to leave, and I long to visit Iran's beautiful lands. I exchange christmas presents with friends, picnic on the fourth of July before watching the fireworks across the street from the monument, and I celebrate Eid every march 21 with my 7 S's.

HOW DARE you look down on people you don't know and try to ASSUME how they act or feel. As far as I'm concerned, if America can fix this mess, the mess THEY started by helping overthrow the shah so many years ago, and allowing his death by refusing him entrance for a medical procedure, I SAY BRING IT.

I want to see the white mountains and plains by my father's old house, I want to see the white sandy beaches that I need shoes to walk on. I want to see the castle that would've been mine had the government not confiscated it and demolished it for warfare training.

I want to see what would have been my home, and thank it for giving me the life I've been lucky enough to receive.

Picture's [Source]

97 days

2007-01-18T17:30:00.000-05:00

Spring is in the air, and for some reason I have a big sign on my head saying "TRY TO DATE ME, PLEEEEEEASE!"

An old friend of mine I studied for my LSAT with (who had a crush on me then) apparently still has a crush on me. I filled out one of those stupid myspace survey's while in class while very bored. One of the questions was "have you ever liked a friend?" to which I answered "bad idea"

He write me back pointing the question out, I try not to start that conversation up replying "you crack me up," he wrote back "c'est moi qui craque petite" which roughly means... you're breaking my heart or something along those lines.

...

WHAT THE HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

...

me no likey

I hate how anything exciting in my life seem's to be about me hiding from men. But then again, I wouldn't want to put you all to sleep telling you about the cool pharmacological effects of grapefruit juice (cytochrome p450 inhibitor) or the pathology of your blood vessels and heart...

but by all means, if you're interested let me know. I could totally try to do the whole medical blog thingie ;)

Navy has also just gotten orders to DC. That means he'll be living there when I get back (he was only visiting when I met him). oh boy. --- but then again, he said he would teach me how to shoot a gun so i'm kinda excited about that part... but still. oh boy

(i'm lying, no medical blog for me!!!)

98 days

2007-01-17T17:02:00.000-05:00

A couple of updates:
- So in regards to needing to call the GM in a timely manner... I decided I would just text message him. I had told him I couldn't give him a definite answer on dinner because I had a quiz in pharm on monday (which I did). So I text him this:
"Did well on my quiz today, how was your day"

Normal text right? Well I don't get a response (thank god)... until I wake up the next morning and saw he'd text me at 2:30AM (ugh) - typo's included verbatim:
"Just thinking :) but u r probably sleepling :) do u get hungry? I know nothing about u but i can still see ur hypnotic eyes drowning me and I wonder if ur as ur intoxicating as ur beautiful eyes... so u eat? How about dinner :)?"

Doesn't that just scream "I WANT TO FUCK YOU!!!"?

No seriously. It totally skeeved me out.

So I waited until yesterday and wrote him back saying something about how I had my friend do my eye makeup har har, and he wrote back something along the lines of, no it was the way you were looking at me blah blah blah.

I haven't written back. He skeeves me out. Fuck school politics... gah!

- Navy got a webcam. He's nice. It's not progressing anywhere. Unfortunately I think he's more into this web chatting thing than I am, which I would be stupid not to think otherwise, so I'm going to have to back off and stop being selfish. Attention from hot boy = yay, hurting hot boy = nay, he really his a nice guy.

This makes me itch

2007-01-17T16:52:00.000-05:00

eeeeeeeeee!

Watch this video first

ok ready? Here's the explaination

Now read this

Now I would like to tell you that I saw this and was disgusted and lost my appetite... ok well you got me on the disgusted part... but I actually watched that video and was envious. Is it odd I wish I was the girl that got to pop those suckers out?

... I watched it twice.

I wanna pop out a botfly outta someone!

100 days

2007-01-15T16:18:00.000-05:00

Last night... the GM from coast called me and asked me out.

I was shocked.

1. I never gave him my number. He took it upon himself to contact a classmate (the school prez) to "get the AMSA prez's number". Slick one he is... using my position to contact me (dammit).
2. I could barely understand his thick british/venezuelan accent
3. I was mid video cam talk with navy boy

TALK ABOUT TIMING.

So I quickly muted the video cam, and tried to figure out the fasted way off the phone since being rude wouldn't help me in this situation. See, I AM the AMSA prez, which means I have to fundraise, and who do we use for our fundraisers? The restaurant the GM so happens to work for.

SHIT SHIT SHIT.

I guess bribing him to flirt with my friend with attention from me later WASN'T such a good idea.

*groan*

How'm I gonna get myself out of this one? --- i'm supposed to call him tonight.

Damn school, political, fundraising, charity, drunkass me shit.

101 days

2007-01-14T12:54:00.000-05:00

only 101 days till I leave the island (including weekends)

life is good.

I stayed up last night until 7:30 AM talking to navy boy. I think I just want attention while I'm here, but I still think he's really hot. Definitely not someone I'm going to get into a relationship with butttttt... he has a hot voice.

Drunk.

2007-01-13T18:35:00.000-05:00

Last night my girls got me drunk. ooooooooooo boy.

People at school have never met DC nic. I have many personalities... I guess you can say I blend into the environments I'm in. I'm still myself in a sense but either toned down or up.

At school I'm work oriented. I study, I barely go out, I don't let on anything more than I have to. At home I'm the same, only I have more fun. I'm still the most responsible in our group, but then we have M the partier (she's the one that came to visit with her friend A), B who's the most like me, and another girl H who comes and goes.

So last night M guilt tripped me: "Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiic, I'm came all the way heeeeeeeeeere! This is my last niiiiiiiiiight. Drink with meeeeeeeeeeee."
To which I found myself responding: "Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine"

I gave the alky permission to get me drunk. DC nic came out.

I wore a skimpy top (unheard of here because I hate getting attention). Halter, no bra, with the bottom part being see through lace. Yes you could see my stomache, the belly ring ("YOU have a belly ring?!"), and double stick tape had to be used to make sure my breasts didn't pop out. I wore makeup, did up the eyes like I was going downtown. I wore heels, tight jeans, did my hair, needless to say I cleaned up.

I did shots, drank like I do back home - and basically left most of my classmates with their jaws on the floor asking me what I did with the nic they knew. Of course M was confused and confronted a few of them saying: "what are you talking about, she's always like this."

Main points that happened last night:
- The GM of the store fell in love with me and we had free drinks all night but my friend A thought the GM was hot, so I pulled him aside and asked him to flirt with her. OK OK I was drunk - but I wanted her to have a good time, it was her last night, she just wanted attention - not ass, and I she had already made her intentions known. She's gained a little bit of weight recently. She went from like a size 0 to a size 5, so she's still small, but she feels self conscious. I'm not sure if bribing the GM with attention from me later so she would get attention last night was such a good idea.
- My classmates saw I could dance, and were SHOCKED. "I never thought you could tear up the dance floor like that nic, daaaaaaaamn." Again, M was confused: "Are you kidding me, she shakes her ass like there's no tomorrow."
- A classmate danced with me and tried to make out with me. I pecked him. I think about this today and I want to vomit. Dating within the ranks of our med school is no bueno. I can't stop cringing. EW EW EW GROSS.
- I called TB's school apartment in germany drunk as hell 4:30 am our time, like 9 something AM his time. Drunk dials are no bueno. Thankfully he didn't pick up, but that prompted a girl talk with A (M's friend) which made me cry. Not not little tears, those massive I'm drunk sobs. That was also very embarrassing. but it's ok, cause she cried too.
- One of us broke my toilet seat and I almost fell in. Also no bueno.

regardless, no more drinking for me. Done. People keep sending me messages to go out tonight, but no. I am in hiding. I think I'll just study path.

*cringe*

The final round

2007-01-12T00:29:00.000-05:00

I'm back on the island, with only three and a half months until I'm finished. I came with two friends in tow - which has made the transition easier. I'm having fun. I'm enjoying the island, and thankfully nothing scary has happened while my friends have been here. I have realized that I've begun to think of this place as home. I was more comfortable driving here than in america, my room was nice and set up when I came back, and yes, I missed the beach (which I ran to right after registration and drove in) - brrr.

Home was nice, I guess I should update.

My best friend B found a boyfriend, who totally creeps me out. He's a local teacher who another friend of mine heard slept with one of his 18 year old students a year or so ago. But I was sworn not to say anything, so I sit there seeing her falling in love and get skeeved out when I think of the gossip (which may be false btw). She started picking him over us, which hurt. She brought him out everywhere with her, including my birthday dinner - which she dipped out of asap so she could spend the rest of the night with him. That kinda stung - but I was still in anti-emotion antigua mode and thought it bothered me I didn't understand it till about a week later when she kept bringing him along to everything.

Note to women, don't do this. Your friends want to see you, not you making out with your new man every 2 seconds. GAG.

New years came in with a bang. I got my new years kiss from a very attractive man who I found out later is in the navy (ACK!) and 21 (double ACK!). He keeps trying to keep in touch... I still find him attractive, but I need to get away from this military thing dammit. He WAS a good cuddler though... *sigh*

I hooked up with 2 people while at home, and by hooked up I mean kissed and cuddled with. One was hottie navy boy, the other was this israeli guy who not only barely spoke english, but was astounded when he found out I was persian and was actually giving him the time of day. The net day I came upon an article concerning israel planning on bombing iran - i didn't return his phone calls, haha.

The israeli had a really hot accent, and was your basic tall and skinny. The navy boy had a body made of rock, I made him do push ups with me on his back and challenged him to a sock race. (you know, where you wear socks, run real fast, and see who slides the furthest)

I shopped (FINALLY) bought new clothes, jeans, etc. Played with my doggie (who is even more of a little shit) and cried a lot when I had to leave him. I didn't get to see a lot of people or do a lot of things - my first days back were odd. I was... off. Unemotional. I can't really explain it.

It's like I didn't care about anything. Friends came to see me, tried to take me out to do things and I... just didn't care. Like with the B situation - I was sitting in the car on the way back from the bar the night of my birthday thinking... I should care about this. She's ditching me for him, why don't I?

I guess in antigua I built some pretty tough walls. With my girls being here my classmates are seeing another non bitchy side of me. Atleast 10 people have commented on it - telling me I seem happier.

I guess I am. I needed home.

God bless the USA.

Saddam is dead

2006-12-30T22:05:00.000-05:00

Do not click this link if you don't want to see a dead body

I just watched Saddam die.

Prior to clicking the link I didn't think it would affect me as much as it did. I mean, I've seen dead bodies before. Hell I've practically skinned them and played with their insides - all in the quest of becoming a doctor. I've looked into lifeless eyes and dissected the nerves that use to make them work.

I thought I wouldn't care. Here was a man who killed his own people. A man who was not a good man, someone who I believed deserved to die. I believe in the death sentence. If you can kill, you should be aware that you can be killed.

So I clicked the link.

I watched him muttering prayers to himself.

I saw them slip the noose around his neck.

And then he dropped.

He dropped and I saw him hanging there lifeless, with his eyes staring at the ceiling, and I got the worst feeling in my stomach. Not much can be said about witnessing a death. Something going from alive and thinking to dead and... hanging

I didn't like it.

Happy Holidays!

2006-12-25T22:38:00.000-05:00

I PASSED ALL MY CLASSES!!!

of course it seems that many of you knew I would do that... thank you for the vote of confidence.

31 people failed micro, 29 immuno - I haven't heard the numbers for path yet but i'm sure it'll be much less.

One of the unfortunate failures was my roommate. She failed micro. I have absolutely no idea how - but she did. She's now in the process of freaking out/trying to figure out what to do. There's another school she can transfer to that is not accredited, but will get her into clinicals at the same time she was supposed to. I don't know what she's going to do... I feel horribly for her. She has a banshee of a mother that nags her to death - and comes from a very strict indian family.

It makes me get butterflies just thinking about the hell she's currently going through.

***

In other news home is going well - if you call having less sleep than I had during finals well. My parents surprised me when I came home by building up their 2 level basement into a little mini apartment for me. They wake me up at the crack of dawn - I am dragged out by friends by midday, and usually do not get to bed until 2. I've had dinners I've HAD to attend, family to see, and presents to buy all within the 2 days everyone wants to see me the most and people seem to be shopping the most. I stayed at home for the first time today since I've been in town, but had 2 friends sleep over, half the extended family come to see me and enough chores to send me into a tailspin.

CPE has realized I am using the same number, and as always has started calling/texting. I have been hit on by your typical DC types - they don't seem to like it when I laugh in their faces when the flashing of money or mention of military experience comes into play, and thankfully the mother hasn't shoved any marriage prospects at me. I think she realizes that I'm too cranky to deal with that stuff due to lack of sleep.

Needless to say life is hectic...

I will also be turning 24 in 10 short minutes... oooooooooh boy.

Anyway - happy holidays to all I should be playing in the blog world a lot more (we'll see)

:)

MIA

2006-12-20T23:25:00.000-05:00

Things are really hectic at home. My flights went well, and my friend got me shitty on the flight during a layover on caramel bailey's and some passion fruit liquer I bought in Puerto Rico. I slept for much less than I thought I would before being picked up by my friend this morning and driven around being showed off like a cute little puppy.

Anyway - I might not be in the blogosphere for awhile. :) YAY HOME!

it is 5 am...

2006-12-19T03:40:00.000-05:00

I take my exam in 4 hours

I haven't slept

and I still haven't reviewed HALF of the shit needed for my pathology exam.

shoot me.

now.

You are so beautiful

2006-12-15T23:23:00.000-05:00

Tonight I said goodbye to my fourth semesters. They've been here for what seems like eternity, and tonight... was their last night. I straightened my hair (unheard of in this humidity) and dressed up - yes I know, very unlike me. Back home no one knows my hair is curly. I maintained. Here it's a big deal, I apparently look very different.

One person who always mentioned this was TB. In the old house, the power was 220V. European standard I guess. Here in the new house, we're at a good ol' american 110V. This means I can use a blow dryer. Needless to say TB has only seen me in curly. He's always wanted to see straight. He loved my hair - always played with it when he wasn't supposed to.

*General rule* Curly hair does not = running fingers through hair. Then you end up with a troll.

I come back home and he's on skype. It's 4:30 his time - mr. TB is up late studying. We get to talking, and I tell him I went out. He calls and I have the video set up.

Now during this whole ordeal my roomie and pseudo are running around trying to pack up pseudo's stuff. She's a fourth semester... she's leaving me too :(.

The second the video kicks in and there's a silence of about a minute. The internet on the island isn't always very reliable so I keep saying hello - to make sure he's there. The roomie is running around trying to figure out where pseudo's stuff is, and they're arguing about what she's going to leave here and take with here. She's seriously leaving us about 300 dollars worth of stuff. Then I hear a: "You look really nice."

Damn him, he saw me blush.

Since the break up we havn't really discussed... us. I havn't told him how much I miss him - wait no, I did - kinda. I've been thinking "dammit, why the hell am I attached to someone when he and I are both too busy?" I've been repressing...

So I laughed his comment off, and asked him if he's going to get the highest grade on his exams again (he's so freakin smart, a scholarship to one of the most competitive top ranked universities in EUROPE, AND he's getting the highest marks - god that's so hot). Again another silence:

"Sometimes I really miss you -- but only a little bit"

*insert scrambling roomie and pseudo in the background*
At this very moment roomie pops up behind me: "HI TB!"

DOH!

There went my moment. I take out my headphones and he talks to her a second - at which time I tell him I need to get back to studying.

I copped out, I KNOW... I can't seem to deal with this nonesense! UGH!

So I'm waiting for him to close his video tab - and... nothing. He just leaves it on... I decide to go on my merry little way studying -- knowing he's watching me.

about 20 minutes later he tells me he's going to bed. I say goodnight - and again there's silence.

he types to me "You are so beautiful" via skype vs. saying it and signs off before I can reply.

For some freakin reason - that really hit me.

It hit me because he acknowledged how I wanted him to feel, and for some reason convinced myself he wasn't feeling it. It hit me because he DOESN'T express himself like that, or put himself in a situation where he can be burned... EVER. It hit me because I couldn't respond. It hit me because I had my chance to spill my guts and missed it. AND DAMMIT IT HIT ME BECAUSE I MISS HIM AND I CAN'T EVER HAVE HIM!

Damn him! :( Germany is still too far away...

I need to be over this

The ABC's of Khoshkell

2006-12-15T23:11:00.000-05:00

Lets see... it would be nice if I put these in alphabetical order, but that would be annoying. Lets try chronologically placed men that keep coming up in my life.

Navy: I met him New Years night 2007, he was my kiss. We both didn't think we'd ever see each other again, but in the small world online we somehow found one another. We started e mailing back and forth my last semester in antigua.
CPE: My first boyfriend after my high school sweetheart - about 2 years later. He's a little kooky. Ok really kookie. Psychotic is more like it, and I usually deal with him out of pity.
The high school sweetheart. I don't think I've given him initials yet, AG
KFP: The guy I dated about 2 weeks after the "final" break up" with CPE. He burned me. Bad. Left me for some 19 year old blonde floozy in Cali. Still hurts thinking about it.
TB: A guy I dated my 2nd semester here. I thought I really cared about him. He's the one guy I'd thought of before myself (recently) so I ended the relationship. I might have had something to do with the fact that he lives in Germany, but I'm over it.

*insert random initials here*
R = some guy I was kinda dating before leaving the country
J = my new years kiss 2006
AGL = a guy I went on one date with that bought me an IPOD, refused to take it back which was eventually stolen by "the bitch that stole my ipod"
SP = small penis. A guy in my classes, he has horrible teeth but a nice body. Meh
*end of random initials*

I will update as I think of more. :)

Don't use the mouth

2006-12-14T20:57:00.000-05:00

I found this through browsing. A radio station has some kind of call in where people call in and try to figure out if their boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife is cheating on them.

Lol, listen to this indian couple:

Thank god.

2006-12-14T11:41:00.000-05:00

I just took my micro shelf, and that mother effer was HARD...

let's just hope everyone else fucks up as much as i think I did.

I was top 15 going in... :( we'll see

A moment of silence...

2006-12-13T14:36:00.000-05:00

China's white dolphin called extinct after 20 million years

BEIJING, China (AP) -- An expedition searching for a rare Yangtze River dolphin ended Wednesday without a single sighting and with the team's leader saying one of the world's oldest species was effectively extinct.
The white dolphin known as baiji, shy and nearly blind, dates back some 20 million years. Its disappearance is believed to be the first time in a half-century, since hunting killed off the Caribbean monk seal, that a large aquatic mammal has been driven to extinction.
A few baiji may still exist in their native Yangtze habitat in eastern China but not in sufficient numbers to breed and ward off extinction, said August Pfluger, the Swiss co-leader of the joint Chinese-foreign expedition.
"We have to accept the fact, that the Baiji is functionally extinct. We lost the race," Pfluger said in a statement released by the expedition. "It is a tragedy, a loss not only for China, but for the entire world. We are all incredibly sad."
Overfishing and shipping traffic, whose engines interfere with the sonar the baiji uses to navigate and feed, are likely the main reasons for the mammal's decline, Pfluger said. Though the Yangtze is polluted, water samples taken by the expedition every 30 miles did not show high concentrations of toxic substances, the statement said.
For nearly six weeks, Pfluger's team of 30 scientists scoured a 1,000-mile heavily trafficked stretch of the Yangtze, where the baiji once thrived. The expedition's two boats, equipped with high-tech binoculars and underwater microphones, trailed each other an hour apart without radio contact so that a sighting by one vessel would not prejudice the other.
Around 400 baiji were believed to be living in the Yangtze in the 1980s. The last full-fledged search, in 1997, yielded 13 confirmed sightings, and a fisherman claimed to have seen a baiji in 2004, Pfluger said in an earlier interview.
At least 20 to 25 baiji would now be needed to give the species a chance to survive, the group's statement said, citing Wang Ding, a hydrobiologist and China's foremost campaigner for the baiji.
Pfluger, an economist by training who later went to work for an environmental group, was a member of the 1997 expedition and recalls the excitement of seeing a baiji cavorting in the waters near Dongting Lake.
"It marked me," he said in an interview Monday. He went on to set up the baiji.org Foundation to save the dolphin.
That goal having evaporated, Pfluger said his foundation would turn to teaching sustainable fishing practices and trying to save other freshwater dolphins. The expedition also surveyed one of those dwindling species, the Yangtze finless porpoise, finding less than 400 of them.
"The situation of the finless porpoise is just like that of the baiji 20 years ago," Wang, the Chinese scientist, said in the statement. "Their numbers are declining at an alarming rate. If we do not act soon they will become a second baiji."
Pfluger and an occasional online diary kept by expedition members traced a dispiriting situation, as day after day team members engaged in a fruitless search for the baiji.
"At first the atmosphere was 'Let's go. Let's go save this damn species,"' Pfluger said. "As the weeks went on we got more desperate and had to motivate each other."

[Source]

This makes me sad...

Stop killing whales motherfuckers - they're going to be gone soon too. Hear about the asian market on caribbean waters?

...yeah, pieces of shit.

Mentally available.

2006-12-11T23:45:00.000-05:00

Inspired by Light Strikes a Deal I started thinking about image...

I test men.

Though I like the attention when I dress up for a man, say a first date, or a night out with the girls -- I don't want the main driving force of the relationship to revolve around my looks.

I dated a guy after my high school sweetheart that wanted a trophy. He didn't like me talking to other men, and I wasn't supposed to speak much when going out. I was 20 pounds lighter than I am now, 3 dress sizes smaller, and he would poke my belly and tell me I needed to work on it. I would like to make it clear that people currently tell me I need to gain weight. I was TINY.

As with all high school relationships I "broke up" with him a month later. Yes, this all occurred in a month. Shocking, I know.

I am way too dominating to be in a relationship like that. I guess I'm the only girl that has ever broken up with him. That might be why whenever I run into this guy in the clubs he still tells me I'm the perfect girl, and that we should get married. Thrill of the chase? I think so.

So I started doing things to test men. The guy above knew nothing about me - actually I thought he knew nothing, but he recently filled out a "myspace survey" about me that was pretty damn accurate. Shocker. - so I wanted to make sure future men KNEW me before I'd commit.

The Looks:
I was single for about 2 years before I met CPE. The first night he came over I was packing for beach week at the end of my junior year of college. I was in sweats and a t shirt. I never wear makeup, but the hair was pretty ratty too. He helped me pack, loaded my bags, and called me to make sure I got there ok. How's that for a first date?

After our first date, I asked KFP if he would model in my photography portfolio due at the end of the year. Mind you, this is the first week I knew the kid. I showed up in jeans, a ratty t shirt, and my camera back. He had only seen me the night he picked me up, and our first date. Make up, heels and etc.

I hate make up - scratch that, I do love mascara - and I rarely make an effort to dress up.

The mind:
Apparently people with good personalities aren't meant to be smart. One of my best friend's in high school a lower grade than me once told me after I'd helped her with her homework "no offense nic, but I didn't think you were one of those smart people."

I have two types of friends. My school/intellectual friends, and my go out all the time and party friends. It's like that episode of seinfeld when George's two worlds were going to collide if Elaine hung out with his soon to be wife. The only people who knew I was SMART and liked to PARTY were my sorority sisters - and I still wasn't too crazy around them. My party friends are crazy, and I had your typical nerdy chemistry friends at school. My worlds would collide in the school cafeteria where the Greek life had their little section to eat - and my lab buddies would ask if it was ok to sit there. (How very high school of us)

So within the first week I bring up random topics. I mention I read a lot of books when I was younger. See if they read. What kind of books they read. Are they into nature... your basic banter. I mention I like math, in fact LOVE math. I loved DiffEQ... loved loved loved. Calculus and I are buddies. Both CPE and KFP stopped at the book talk... no wonder they didn't work.

TB and I have the same history. Both book worms, and where I veered towards math, he went towards history and philosophy. He always told me some cool geeky fact every day - and I him. He became facinated with medicine and would browse through my books when I was studying. I liked that about him.

Regardless - I forgot where this blog was going, but once again I'm headed down the I miss TB path and I'm going to stop.

Relationships are about the mental and the physical. I wish I were only loved for my mental. I have so much to offer - but it seems that in this day and age, how cool I am takes a back seat to how cute I am - and that seems to only attract mindless assholes.

"Indian men are too small to fit condoms made by international standards"

2006-12-09T18:44:00.000-05:00

A weird but useful exam tool is skype. My parents call, I turn it on, and then go about my daily routine of sitting in front of the computer cramming information into my head.

Upside: I know they're watching so I study more.
Downfall: I forget they're watching and... ok here's the story

Someone sent out an e mail by BBC.com in fact, it was this in all entirety:

A survey of more than 1,000 men in India has concluded that condoms made according to international sizes are too large for a majority of Indian men.

The study found that more than half of the men measured had penises that were shorter than international standards for condoms.

It has led to a call for condoms of mixed sizes to be made more widely available in India.

The two-year study was carried out by the Indian Council of Medical Research.

Over 1,200 volunteers from the length and breadth of the country had their penises measured precisely, down to the last millimetre.

The scientists even checked their sample was representative of India as a whole in terms of class, religion and urban and rural dwellers.

It's not size, it's what you do with it that matters

The conclusion of all this scientific endeavour is that about 60% of Indian men have penises which are between three and five centimetres shorter than international standards used in condom manufacture.

Doctor Chander Puri, a specialist in reproductive health at the Indian Council of Medical Research, told the BBC there was an obvious need in India for custom-made condoms, as most of those currently on sale are too large.

The issue is serious because about one in every five times a condom is used in India it either falls off or tears, an extremely high failure rate.

And the country already has the highest number of HIV infections of any nation.

'Not a problem'

Mr Puri said that since Indians would be embarrassed about going to a chemist to ask for smaller condoms there should be vending machines dispensing different sizes all around the country.

"Smaller condoms are on sale in India. But there is a lack of awareness that different sizes are available. There is anxiety talking about the issue. And normally one feels shy to go to a chemist's shop and ask for a smaller size condom."

But Indian men need not be concerned about measuring up internationally according to Sunil Mehra, the former editor of the Indian version of the men's magazine Maxim.

"It's not size, it's what you do with it that matters," he said.

"From our population, the evidence is Indians are doing pretty well.

"With apologies to the poet Alexander Pope, you could say, for inches and centimetres, let fools contend."

HAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Anyway, I found it so humorous that I read it aloud to my roommate and our other psuedo-roomie (finals = massive sleepovers). We all had a little laugh, and somehow the topic came up about whether a man with a big penis brags or not.

My cute little roommate is a virgin. Pseudo and I on the other hand... are NOT. Roomie tells us about how a certain annoying cocky guy in our class brags about how arabs have the largest penii (pleural for penis?) - at which psuedo and I had another nice laugh.

We explained to her that men with large penii do not brag, they know. They know they've got a massive penis. They know and don't need to compensate with words. Pseudo and I both described to her the all knowing "look" these men give people when it's brought up. One of those "shut up before I take you out and club you in the head with it" looks. Or one of those "just wait until later" looks -- oooo those are the hottest ones... :)

SORRY! - island fever is hitting me

Anyway, we start talking about exes - and in my situation I have luckily had very well endowed boyfriends. The only person that bragged was CPE, and he was the smallest of the bunch... though he was a large "average".

I am talking about this when I suddenly remember --

SHIT!!! MY FATHER WAS JUST SITTING BEHIND THE COMPUTER 20 MINUTES AGO!!!

SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT

Mid conversation I suddenly go silent with this horrified expression on my face.

Shit.

I get the roomie's attention and point to the camera, her and psuedo get these HORRIFIED expression on their faces.

Shit.

So I quietly click on the minimized skype button expecting to see my father having a heart attack.

...

Thankfully he wasn't there.

THANK GOD THANK GOD THANK GOD!!!

I was also happy to report that his skype was on idle, which meant he hadn't been around since the last time he checked on me.

...

anyway, there's the downside - and my exciting story of the day.

(thank god)

back to studying - daddy's watching.

p.s. I got the 9th highest grade on my path lab final.

5 more exams until home.

Fakers

2006-12-08T13:59:00.000-05:00

So with my new anonymous myspace account, comes new stalking . I don't just go to my friend's pages but reader's pages - and their friends - and their friends... and etc.

Until today I go to (5th degree removed person) and see a really good friend's of mine's picture... on someone else's myspace - claiming to be a 16 year old girl from virginia.

The profile is set to private, but it is QUITE OBVIOUSLY not my sorority sister JK, but some weirdo using her pictures for some unknown reason:

Click here to see the link... "Sarah"

Now I e mailed JK and told her "either you have a twin, or a stalker" and then proceeded to try to figure out why said girl is using her picture... but here's another thing, the girl's page I used to get to her is apparently her "best friend" and they "hang out all the time".

Click here to see said "best friend": Talia

It's like they're one big old FAKE family!!!

So I'm not sure if "Talia" is fake or not, or if she made up "Sarah" so that she had a cute online best friend - but I am interested in figuring out what's going on. So I'm going to be adding --- shit nevermind, by blogging this I just blackballed myself. Dammit.

damn damn damn.

ok plan b - i just stalk them every day and if JK doesn't get her account deleted, send some nasty messages telling her to grow up. yes?

I mean really... it COULD be some 60 year old balding man trying to have cyber sex with little boys (or girls - you never know these days).

Regardless I find behavior like this really annoying. I've already called out 3 people who have stolen my pictures on myspace. One from some hillybilly state like Arkansas, one in europe somewhere, and another one from Cali. It's annoying, because in order to get their profile's deleted, I have to take a picture of myself with my URL and etc to prove I'm ME.

In other news, I took my pathology lab final today - and I wish I'd brought lube.
6 more exams in 11 days - accounting for about 70% of my remaining grade in each class (except behavioral, I've already passed that one). Microbiology, pathology, and immuno to go.

Round 302.984,023,984.5 - ding ding - GO!

2006-12-06T21:24:00.000-05:00

CPE is at it again... why I put up with it, I don't know.

I am sitting there, in the "zone", cramming all there is to know about microbiology into the exhausted head of mine when I get an AIM.

DOH - I hate when that thing signs me in without my knowing.

CPE: "I need your advice"
*insert annoyed speechless look here*
Me: "You have got to be kidding me"
CPE: "Hear me out"
Me: "You have GOT to be kidding me"
CPE: "How are you"
Me: "oh god..."
CPE: "How's school?"
Me: "Alright what is it"
CPE: *long definition I don't want to type out but basically: "My girlfriend's father hates me because I'm not korean"*
Me: "Why do you think it's because you're not korean"
CPE: "Because I'm CPE, everyone loves me"
*groan*
Me: "you are a moron"

Anyway - apparently daddy korea doesn't like that hello kitty is dating CPE. He thinks it's because of his race because now he's "going somewhere with [his] life, [he's] on the news every other night."

... god he was so freakin vain - i wanted to shoot myself for talking to him.

So the conversation goes somewhere along the lines of me telling him to do something productive with his life and to stop comparing their relationship with ours. He kept projecting thinking I was going to fight with him and tell him not to be an asshole - and I kept telling him to stop bringing us into the discussion.

My advice:
Get your college degree, stop trying to get famous, if you love her change for her family and let them see you're worth something - and for god sakes stop being so cocky.

His interpretation:
You broke up with me because I'm a loser. Is that why we didn't work out. I'm not an asshole anymore. I really do love you. I really do love her. I am on TV - this means I'm going somewhere with my life. You hate me.

GAH! SHOOT ME!

anyway... I thought this blog was going somewhere but I just realized I've spent about 20 minutes typing it out and I'm starting to freak about my test - abrupt ending, I know.

yeeeeeeep.

You know it's bad...

2006-12-05T23:13:00.000-05:00

...when you can't even procrastinate by reading cosmo.

A classmate's girlfriend came to visit from the states and brought magazines. This is very exciting, because on the island it costs around 45EC for a magazine. That's about 20 US.

I slip away and try to read some of the articles... and I am SO FREAKING TIRED of reading, that I couldn't even focus on THAT.

I am brain dead. shoot me.

Honey

2006-12-04T19:59:00.000-05:00

Every time TB calls me "honey" in his cute German accent... my tummy flip flops...

*sigh*

My mother told me she ran into an "old friend" of mine from back in the day who "grew up to be a good looking guy" and said that his family wanted us to "catch up" while he was home from law school when I get back in town.

Smells like a set up to me.
*vomit*

Myspace

2006-12-04T12:51:00.000-05:00

So I've found another form of procrastination... I've made my blog a myspace page.

ha

yes, you heard me correctly.

you should make your blog one too

:)

The zone

2006-12-03T19:43:00.000-05:00

Finals are upon me, and I am starting to realize I do very well under stress. Compared to last semester, this semester has been pretty laid back. I think that's why I've been doing so poorly in my classes.

That or I've just accepted my fate that I'm going to fail.

Ok, backing up. I've always been use to being top 5 in class. Everyone always does bad in these classes, it's all high yeild. Last semester I was stressing, hard core, and somehow I did really well on my shelf compared to the national average. (HOLLER!)

This semester I've been average. Not top 5, not top 10, average. Average SUCKS, I am way to competitive to be average. Somehow that bothered me enough to give me a complex, so much to where I overstudied for my tests. Other bullshitters would somehow not read half the book and only look at the sections we were tested on and get crazy averages, where I (who know how to apply all the clinical shit) am left behind in the dust crying because some ditzy pothead got almost the same average as me and SHE was hung over... ugh.

*Also... my roomie always struggled in all the classes, but this semester she's been doing much better than me. That annoys me because half the time she's not studying, or I'm teaching her shit. I've kicked her ass on the past two tests, and although it shouldn't... it's made me happy :).*

So starting last week, my month of hell began. My first exam did NOT go well. I hate my pathology class - my teacher doesn't teach, he just tells us to read Robbins. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! TEACH ME DAGNAMMIT!

But things brightened up with my second exam. I got the second highest grade in the class. Thank god.

I had my micro lab final these past two days (yes I know it's a weekend) and though I thought i did horribly yesterday, all my results came out AMAZING, and I thankfully used the right agars to figure out my bacteria.

:)

So my self esteem is back, and I've been sitting here for the past 9 hours studying... and I haven't even realized it.

I'm telling myself I'm going to pass - I've made a schedule - I don't want to be stuck on this island any longer than I have to...

I WANT TO BE BACK HOME!!! - that's my only driving force...

home.

I want home.

Minnie and her kids :(

2006-12-01T17:58:00.000-05:00

If you keep up with the little chat thingie I recently put up (thanks PB :) ), you'll have noticed that after my great accomplishment (YAY RECENT COMMENTS!!! - thanks G) I saw a mouse. It looked a little like this:

Yes I freaked out - only a little... and then I laughed at myself for it.

Well I called my landlord and I guess while I was at school she came by and set up a sticky trap. If you've ever thought of buying one of these horrible traps - DON'T.

I come home with my roomie unaware with a fellow classmate. We're studying for our final tomorrow when we hear "SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK" coming from one of our cabinets.

My roomate starts screaming and jumps on the couch, my classmate (JO) jumps on a chair freaking out, and after my initial scream I just sit there and laugh at them. I also went ahead and got my camera to video tape their hysteria.

So I (i guess because I laughed at them) was told to go figure out where mousy was. I open the cabinet and see this little mouse (ok i screamed a little again when i actually saw it) STUCK to some kinda glue thing with food in the middle. The poor little thing was struggling to get out. Now I don't want mrs. mouse in my house... but I also don't want to kill her.

mrs mouse:

The last thing she'll remember:

So I slam the cabinet doors shut and make my roomie and JO look at the mouse. The screamed a lot more and then also set into a mild depression thinking of mrs. mouse's fate.

20 minutes later I went to go check on mrs. mouse (i was scared she got away and was running around the house) and to my amazement - there were 2 new additions to the death trap... *cue sad music* her babies.

Now if the mild squeaking was distracting before - the little ones were squeaking more and I was completely heartbroken. We try to think of ways to kill the mouse family so they didn't have to starve to death because:

a. we're all in micro and know mice are HUGE vectors for all kinds of diseases and none of us wanted to touch them to let them loose (which we tried to do later and it didn't work)

b. slowly dying of starvation while stuck in some kind of glue is NOT the way to go.

We thought of drowning them, but there's no bucket... running them over, bashing them with something hard, leaving them outside so something would eat them -- but none of us wanted to be responsible for their death. So we did what any other woman would do in this situation, we called a man.

I don't know what happened to the mouse family. I don't want to know. I'm still a little upset over it...

poor mousy

Free Hugs

2006-11-30T18:21:00.000-05:00

I miss home...

I will pummel you

2006-11-28T07:03:00.000-05:00

There is a lesbian at my school. Your standard man-like female that tries to lift heavy weights and therefore has massive arms, yet wants to be feminine and wears sun dresses (it doesn't work I know). She has a massive tattoo of a piece of work by davinci... and it extends from her deltoid to her elbow. It doesn't really match her sundresses at all...

Anyway - I am a nice person. I swear I am. Though I blog about the nasty shit I think, I do not try to judge people. A lot of people didn't associate with said lesbian - i thought it was because they were homophobic.

I was wrong.

She's as mental as they come - and as much as I tried to stick up for her, it wasn't until she had one of her common aggressive outbursts directed towards me when I backed off.

There's a long story behind this. I'm not sure how much I can go into it - but lets just say many believed she was in love with me. I will not make that claim however, because when girls get close they tend to hang out with each other a lot.

I was pretty close to her for about 2 months - we drove to school together and hit the gym together. But when she realized things between me and TB were heating up, she acted as if I had broken up with her. She even went so far as to make up some retarded story about TB going to a strip club on the island (disgusting - not because it's a strip club, those can be fun, but because there are some NASTY strippers on this island) a night he made me dinner and spent the night at my house. She of course didn't know this - and I told her she needed to get her facts straight.

I also began studying with another girl in our class because I like discussing the things I'm studying, whereas she kept to herself and didn't ask questions. She then again acted like I had broken up with her - or something of the sort. She made up lies about her life, and without going into the details... things just didn't add up.

The main reason I stopped talking to her was because of her anger. She pulled a postal worker over the counter at the post office because of a misunderstanding. She constantly went off at people, punching walls, getting in faces - and I had to babysit. I didn't like being associated with it. It didn't hit home until one night I gave her some typed up notes for our upcoming genetics exam and she called me bitching me out about how worthless they were and why i would even give them to her to begin with... then came to my house, pounding on the door in a weird and unforgetful night.

TB told me she was in love with me, my roomate told me, our mutual friends told me - i however just thought it was girl bonding. I'm guessing I was wrong.

REGARDLESS

Yesterday she threatened to pummel me after I called her out on one of her lies on an online posting site. Then after a friend tried to get me away from her (she was in my face and yelling) she grabbed my arm. Up until this point I was very calm - in fact I was laughing at her while she was going off. I informed her she didn't scare me - knowing she was bitter i didn't speak to her. I asked her what the point of her talking to me was, and told her I didn't really care what she was saying. But the second she touched me I freaked out and almost got in her face yelling at her not to ever touch me - but like in the movies my guy friend had my arm and I couldn't quite make it to her face. Other students took it to a dean, and she was forced to apologize... but I still think it's amusing.

Thought I would share - my first almost girl fight with the lesbian king.

Clarification...

2006-11-27T15:44:00.000-05:00

That little note on TB's skype was meant for me...

On a trip to the other side of the island (half moon bay) some woman asked us if we were italian and then tried to weasle money out of us... it was supposed to be some reference to a private beach we found...

ha

... embarrassed

moving on

so we ended up talking for awhile and though I didn't bring up any valid points like "i miss you" or "i'm miserable without you," I bought some time, caught up on his life, he caught up on mine, and I'm a much happier camper.

:)

... and what is this supposed to mean?

2006-11-26T22:17:00.001-05:00

I have 10 exams in the next three weeks... one about every other day. It includes finals and shelf exams. I am not a happy camper.

On top of it all, TB decides to send me a little e mail that made my stomach drop, butterflies, draining of blood from extremities... etc. It started out innocently, he skyped me, I told him I had a study buddy over and couldn't talk - he said we needed to. Something along the lines of: I will never forget you but you think I have. Granted I have been avoiding talking to him - but my recent lack of computer (it's back by the way, wooo!!!) had been helping me in my quest to get over him. Anyhoo... I said goodbye politely after informing him I couldn't talk now and that we could have this conversation later... and walked away. I came back to multiple messages but the one that struck a cord was his away message "and my italian girlfriend... ;)" Written in english... to SOMEONE WHO WAS NOT ME - and that definitly didn't feel too good. Anyway, the e mail I recieved right after left me much more confused:

Subject: :(
Body:

Hi Miezie,

I can’t sleep so I decided to write you. All I wanted to say is that I think that you opened my eyes today. I hope you haven’t buried the TB you got to know in Antigua yet.

All I can say is that I hope that this was the real TB, not the guy who must have acted like a stranger for you. You are still one of the most important people in my life and I am afraid of losing you, honey.

Your TB

(isn't his broken english cute?) - ok ok sorry

- what is that e mail supposed to mean. I barely said 2 words to him on skype, how the hell did I open his eyes?

*grumble*

I still don't like this butterfly in tummy, i'm going to be sick feeling... I need to get off this damn island!!!

Please stay to the outside of the parked cars, or I WILL hit you

2006-11-25T12:24:00.000-05:00

The streets of St. John's Antigua are tiny. They're tiny AND people park on them which makes them even MORE tiny. They're tiny, people park on them, AND there are no sidewalks - which means that an already small shitty road is used as a parking lot, sidewalk and a main road.

With that in mind:

The other day while driving from Jolly Harbour to the north of the island... I tapped a girl with my sideview mirror during traffic. She squealed quite audibly and I kept going forward.

30 seconds later after my roomate and I had exchanged the "oh my god what happened" looks, we both had a fit of uncontrollable laughter that lasted for about 5 minutes.

So hear me out:
The girl knew there was traffic, and instead of walking on the outside of the parked cars was walking along the inside so cars would have to avoid HER in a defiant typical Antiguan "I am better than you" fashion. I feel she deserved the tap with the sideview mirror... and every time I think about it I still laugh.

I am a horrible person

Your typical girly bitch and moan

2006-11-19T21:29:00.000-05:00

So I haven't had a computer in a long ass time - therefore contact with TB has been scarce. I also havn't had ready access to the internet, therefore even if I DID want to converse with him, I wouldn't be able to... but things are changing. I moved to a new house about a week ago closer to campus, and low and behold it comes with internet. So my internet addiction has been coming back to life through my roommate's computer. My computer is also coming in from the states on wednesday. I am dreading this - I'll tell you why:

Though my contact with TB has been limited, I still miss him. But that's ok because I havn't been able to tell him this whole missing nonesense, and made me very unavailable. This should have helped me miss him less and move on with the break up - realizing the things used to talk myself into the break up in the first place.

WRONG

It's called displacement, or something like that. I put aside everything I was feeling and now that I can go online, and I see him, I miss him even more!!! I am actually starting to think I'm getting a little depressed, but I know I'm not that stupid. I just get sad.

So here's the stupid girly whine:
I liked him a lot, why did I break up with him. I liked him a lot but I know nothing would happen. If I knew nothing would happen why did I commit to him. Now that I'm sure nothing could happen why do I miss him. WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING OF HIM WHEN I CAN BE SUCH A BITCH TO OTHER PEOPLE... and last but not least... :( why couldn't he just be from somewhere back home where it could have lead to an actual relationship.

It doesn't help that he tries to contact me at random times... ugh - whining over.

I wish there was someone on this damn island I could recycle

"Here's your fucking patriot act"

2006-11-17T15:28:00.000-05:00

This has got to be one of the most disgusting displays of COWARDICE I have ever seen. How could people just stand around while this shit was going on? You can't just hurt someone cause they're not listening to you, that's torture.

It's Kitty Genovese all over again. Disgusting.

Article from: The Daily Bruin

"An incident late Tuesday night in which a UCLA student was stunned at least four times with a Taser has left the UCLA community questioning whether the university police officers' use of force was an appropriate response to the situation.

Mostafa Tabatabainejad, a UCLA student, was repeatedly stunned with a Taser and then taken into custody when he did not exit the CLICC Lab in Powell Library in a timely manner. Community Service Officers had asked Tabatabainejad to leave after he failed to produce his BruinCard during a random check at around 11:30 p.m. Tuesday.

UCPD Assistant Chief of Police Jeff Young said the checks are a standard procedure in the library after 11 p.m.

"Because of the safety of the students we limit the use after 11 to just students, staff and faculty," Young said.

Young said the CSOs on duty in the library at the time went to get UCPD officers when Tabatabainejad did not immediately leave, and UCPD officers resorted to use of the Taser when Tabatabainejad did not do as he was told.

A six-minute video showed Tabatabainejad audibly screaming in pain as he was stunned several times with a Taser, each time for three to five seconds. He was told repeatedly to stand up and stop fighting, and was told that if he did not do so he would "get Tased again."

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Tabatabainejad was also stunned with the Taser when he was already handcuffed, said Carlos Zaragoza, a third-year English and history student who witnessed the incident.

"(He was) no possible danger to any of the police," Zaragoza said. "(He was) getting shocked and Tasered as he was handcuffed."

But Young said at the time the police likely had no way of knowing whether the individual was armed or that he was a student.

As Tabatabainejad was being dragged through the room by two officers, he repeated in a strained scream, "I'm not fighting you" and "I said I would leave."

The officers used the "drive stun" setting in the Taser, which delivers a shock to a specific part of the body with the front of the Taser, Young said.

A Taser delivers volts of low-amperage energy to the body, causing a disruption of the body's electrical energy pulses and locking the muscles, according to a report by the American Civil Liberties Union.

"It's an electrical shock. ... It causes pain," Young said, adding that the drive stun would not likely demobilize a person or cause residual pain after the shock was administered. Young also said a Taser is less forceful than a baton, for example.

But according to a study published in the Lancet Medical Journal in 2001, a charge of three to five seconds can result in immobilization for five to 15 minutes, which would mean that Tabatabainejad could have been physically unable to stand when the officers demanded that he do so.

"It is a real mistake to treat a Taser as some benign thing that painlessly brings people under control," said Peter Eliasberg, managing attorney at the ACLU of Southern California.

"The Taser can be incredibly violent and result in death," Eliasberg said.

According to an ACLU report, 148 people in the United States and Canada have died as a result of the use of Tasers since 1999.

During the altercation between Tabatabainejad and the officers, bystanders can be heard in the video repeatedly asking the officers to stop and requesting their names and identification numbers. The video showed one officer responding to a student by threatening that the student would "get Tased too." At this point, the officer was still holding a Taser.

Such a threat of the use of force by a law enforcement officer in response to a request for a badge number is an "illegal assault," Eliasberg said.

"It is absolutely illegal to threaten anyone who asks for a badge â€" that's assault," he said.

Tabatabainejad was released from custody after being given a citation for obstruction/delay of a peace officer in the performance of duty.

Neither Tabatabainejad nor his family were giving interviews Wednesday.

Police officers said they determined the use of Tasers was necessary when Tabatabainejad did not do as they asked.

According to a UCPD press release, Tabatabainejad went limp and refused to exit as the officers attempted to escort him out. The release also stated Tabatabainejad "encouraged library patrons to join his resistance." At this point, the officers "deemed it necessary to use the Taser in a "drive stun' capacity."

"He wasn't cooperative; he wouldn't identify himself. He resisted the officers," Young said.

Neither the video footage nor eyewitness accounts of the events confirmed that Tabatabainejad encouraged resistance, and he repeatedly told the officers he was not fighting and would leave.

Tabatabainejad was walking with his backpack toward the door when he was approached by two UCPD officers, one of whom grabbed the student's arm. In response, Tabatabainejad yelled at the officers to "get off me." Following this demand, Tabatabainejad was stunned with a Taser.

UCPD and the UCLA administration would not comment on the specifics of the incident as it is still under investigation.

In a statement released Wednesday, Interim Chancellor Norman Abrams said investigators were reviewing the situation and the officers' actions.

"I can assure you that these reviews will be thorough, vigorous and fair," Abrams said.

The incident, which Zaragoza described as an example of "police brutality," left many students disturbed.

"I realize when looking at these kind of arrest tapes that they don't always show the full picture. ... But that six minutes that we can watch just seems like it's a ridiculous amount of force for someone being escorted because they forgot their BruinCard," said Ali Ghandour, a fourth-year anthropology student.

"It certainly makes you wonder if something as small as forgetting your BruinCard can eventually lead to getting Tased several times in front of the library," he added.

Edouard Tchertchian, a third-year mathematics student, said he was concerned that the student was not offered any other means of showing that he was a UCLA student."

[Source]

Bad omens?

2006-10-27T13:04:00.000-04:00

It was a dark and stormy night... well, atleast it felt like it when

MY COMPUTER CRASHED!!!
*dramatic scary music inserted here*

The horror!!!

I was minding my business, procrastinating (just a little) with the usual myspace, gmail, and etc when *PEERRWWN* <~~ that was the sound my computer made when it DIED!!!

I luckily got it to turn back on long enough to back up inportant things such as pictures and class notes - and a few really cool programs before *PEERWWWN* blank screen. death.

I of course freak out, and luckily my friend's little sister from back home was visiting, and I decided very hastily that I refuse to be on this island without my laptop, and sent it home with her so the nice people at circuit city could fullfill their warrently requirements. Here I insert the bad omens:

1. I call my mother:
"Mom."
"WHAT'S WRONG" in the overly dramatic I'm your mother worried voice
"My computer died, I'm sending it home"
"oh thank god"
"WHAT?!"
"No, I just had this horrible nightmare about you and thought something had happened"
"huh? - nightmare?"
"just be careful"

- ok, so I believe a little in dreams and signs and etc. Don't judge me - there have been some weird things that've happened, even this semester that I may or may not feel like blogging.

2. my roomate drops almost every single thing she touches.
- she is normally a very very organized and... un-clumsy (i made it up, carry on) person, and the fact that dropping things is a bad omen in my culture and means someone is thinking ill of you is no better. This comes to my attention right after my mother tells me she has horrible dreams about me and was worried about me.
- my roomate's computer also crashes, and she drops her really cool cell phone into (get this) a glass of coke.
HOW DO YOU DROP A PHONE INTO AN ITTY BITTY GLASS OF COKE!?

- anyway, not that important, but another little notch in my every growing superstitious mind

and finally:
3. TB calls me at 4 in the morning. Not only is this odd because he never calls me, it's odd because we just broke up, he doesn't believe in superstition bs, and because even while dating he never called from a land line or phone, just internet phone or calling cards:
*groggy* hewwow?"
"Nic?"
"yeah"
"you ok?"
"yeah"
"you asleep? sorry i didn't realize it was 4"
"It's ok"
"I had a horrible nightmare about you and wanted to make sure you were ok"
"nightmare what?!" *WIDE AWAKE*
"sorry, it was a really bad nightmare, I just wanted to make sure you were ok"
"that's fine"
"how've you been?"
"I think I'm going to die"

and there it is. I think I'm going to die.

DIE DIE DIE

everyone's having bad dreams about me, my roomate is dropping shit, and not to mention one of my friends recently woke up with a local hovering over her bed while his homey's stole her computer, books, ipod, and other digital expensive items. (this goes along with that other blog that i might or might not write where i dreamed this occurance the night before)

I'm going to die.

peace out

So today's the day.

2006-10-22T20:05:00.000-04:00

Things with TB will end today - but he doesn't know that. It's one of the many steps I've taken that have shocked me since coming to this island.

I am turning 24 soon. The big 24. The age I told myself would be the earliest I would ever get married.

Don't get your panties in a bunch I'm not thinking of getting married.

But I have realized I have to stop acting like I don't care about anything or anyone, and make an effort to meet someone of substance without doing the whole bullshit relationship thing.

TB is hot. He's hot, ambitious, loves me and... is in Germany. We have amazing converstions, intellectually stimulate each other and he lives in GERMANY! I have convinced myself this is a bullshit relationship. One that will boggle me down for atleast another year, lead to serious discussion, and lead to absolutely nothing - which will leave me at almost 25 and single looking for a husband. No thank you.

So (very unlike me) I told myself to take the high road. To take the relationship as it was, an amazing and almost perfect summer romance, and leave it to its good memories. To not drag it down to the point where we fight over nothing, avoid each other, and force each other to see each other during our breaks because we have to. To in a way... act like a grown up and realize this isn't the best for my future and end it while I can. It's hard enough after 4 months - imagine another year. BAH!

So I told him we wouldn't talk for a week. I turned the tables and made him think I was letting him think about things and prioritizing his upcoming exams with my distractions. We're going to speak today for the first time, and I'm going to tell him I didn't miss him. I'm going to tell him school is more important than him, and that we should just be friends. Even writing this is ripping my heart out, but it's for the best.

He's perfect, and he'll find a perfect little german girl to keep him company.

I've already caught myself turning back into the old nic, and playing little attention games with the newbies at school. Then I kick myself when they come to study with me in the library. Ugh.

:( bye TB, you will be missed.

Pink is the new blog

2006-09-30T17:36:00.000-04:00

My sorority little sister, and my panda pal somehow smoozled their ways into getting their pictures onto pink is the new blog. She was quite happy about it. It was panda's 22nd. How obsessive can you get haha?

anyway... just boasting. They're the 2 hotties holding a chocolate cake. :) I miss home

:)

2006-09-23T17:02:00.000-04:00

So I am a typical girl. Hormones will eventually drive me crazy. The sadness I felt earlier in the week that i attributed to lack of attention actually had to do with my hormonal peaks leading to the visitation of my "friend" a little earlier than usual.

That's nice.

School hasn't been too stressful so far. Though I do have a complaint about each of my professors, I know that it's a much more feasible semester than the last one.

The micro professor WILL drive me crazy. I don't like people who don't know what they're talking about. He made us pay 100$ for his "intellectual notes" - i.e. the powerpoints he goes over in class, and they are probably the most unorganized pieces of chollera bacillus i have ever seen. It takes me an enternity to go over the 200 slides he does in a day and ORGANIZE them in a way that I will be able to digest the information. That's nice. Then he sits there and shouts the information at us, while sneakily reading it. UGH.

The pathology teacher is adorable. He does care if we pass our shelf, and tries to incorporate systemic with the general pathology we're doing now - but he too is unorganized and i am forced to read the book to clarify. This is no tiny book ladies and gents... it's robbins, a MILLION pages long - and heavy to boot. I have to tote that sucker around campus every day, no bueno. But I like the class, its interactive and I learn.

Behavioral is normal psych - but he only goes over things he likes in class... so I'm responsible for other things and I can't just take notes to learn - bah humbug.

That's it - I'm actually just trying to procrastinate so I don't have to organize my notes for micro.

oh yeah - and I got access to a repeater. Probably the best invention in the world for poor students like me. It enables me to steal internet. It's tite, I love it. Buuuut, I have to borrow it every night if i want it. Oh well - cheap.

I'm also moving in 2 months closer to campus. The new place is amazing, and has a great view. I won't be right on the beach or have the water right behind my house like I do now, but I take it for granted now and I'd rather be near school

My life is dull, oh well - there's my update

:(

2006-09-20T20:44:00.000-04:00

Ireland/Germany vs. Freedom...

I'm not happy. Relationships are about being happy. He's too busy, and I'm too... whatever I am it's not happy.

Damn.

The girlfriend rant...

2006-09-12T20:36:00.000-04:00

yes I know - I know i know i know, but not only am I procrastinating, but I haven't been paid attention to, so here we go.

WHAT THE HELL!!!

The boyfriend is doing all kinds of shenanigans and isn't paying attention to me. :( He DOES have legit reasons:

1. starting his new business
2. a crapload of business/language/idon'tcareijustwanthimtopayattentiontome classes
3. time difference.
4. blow me

but he doesn't GIVE ME A GOD DAMNED SCHEDULE! Then he calls me on his cell phone drunk ($$$) which he can't afford and tells me how much he misses me, and how we need to talk to more.

*grumble*

so basically the little shit wants me to be on the internet 24/7 so that IF he does log into skype I'll be on call to set up the video cam and talk to him.

unfortunately, MYYYYYYYYY schedule will be getting pretty hectic starting next week. With atleast 3 quizes a week in pathology and micro, tests up my ass, and a minor behavioral science annoyance... time will not be this easily given.

things don't look too good kids. Atleast I still know I get a free trip to ireland for new years, and germany in may.

:)

...

:(

grr.

*side note* there are a million new kids at school this semester. The gods have been friendly after giving me a lack of fresh meat last semester. BUT MUST THEY PROVIDE SAID MEAT WHEN I'VE "COMMITTED". I'm trying here!!! WHAT THE HELL!!!

i've counted... 10 hotties. That's alot for our small island. Weeeeeeell, by my standards, only 2 REAL hotties, but I counted the cute ones too.

2 have already asked me to study with them. I told them i don't study at school (which I do, I just hide in a back room)

...

yep.

inflamed lymphatic? I hope so...

2006-09-05T15:20:00.000-04:00

I was taking off my shorts, preparing for an awkwards night sleep on the couch (the parents and sister + friend were visiting) when in the dark my nail brushed against it.

"OW!!! - dammit, i got another ingrown hair."

*tangent*
Have I ever mentioned how much i HATE shaving. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I am a waxer. I wax EVERYTHING when given the opportunity. I HATE HATE HATE shaving.

*on with the blog*
So of course the first thing I do when I feel an ingrown hair is sqeeze. Holy mother of jesus that thing exploded. I grumble a couple of curse words, do to the bathroom and finally turn on a light wipe my hands and look and the thing when I notice how large the area is.

"it's not a lump, it's probably an inflamed lymph nodule" i say to myself so I don't freak out.

I decide to sleep it off.

The next morning my "lump" is larger. Still hoping it's an inflammed lymphatic,
i sqeeze again.

I've repeated this every morning for the past couple of days.

The lump hasn't gone away, and nothing is coming out of it anymore.

Yesterday I begin to freak a little. My mother, my aunts, my grandmother, all have had a run in with cancer. I begin to take my genetics into consideration as i try to examine the ingrown hair from hell. Self diagnosis is a bitch.

Last night i applied antibiotic the area the ingrown hair had been (now pretty much gone) I picked off the scab (basically dug a new whole) and dumped bactine all over that sucker.

This morning the lump is smaller. I figure it's still an inflammed lymph nodule and decide my current treatment is working.

we'll see... i'm giving it another week before i might freak again and try to get a ticket to the states for a check up.

eek!

Koran 9:11

2006-08-30T16:29:00.000-04:00

This has been circulating around the net - someone correct if inaccurate.

BUT if accurate... well, read for yourself

Koran (9:11)
For it is written that a son of Arabia would awaken a
fearsome Eagle. The wrath of the Eagle would be felt throughout the
lands of Allah and lo, while some of the people trembled in despair still
more rejoiced; for the wrath of the Eagle cleansed the lands of Allah; and
there was peace.

Fail harder

2006-08-29T17:59:00.000-04:00

Yes well - I guess I'm not use to curves.

My whole life I've been accustomed to grades which reflected only one or two questions wrong per test, giving my averages in the 90's and at worst in the 80's. Here, however, one must be use to failing everything it seems. The difference is, you must somehow see how BADLY you're failing vs. the rest of the class.

Though I thought I did terribly by nic standards on my finals, compared to my class, and the united states in general - I knew my shit.

That astounds me.

I am happy to inform you all that in one short week I will be starting my second year of medical school.

Apparently our microbiology teacher is the DEVIL... I am not looking forward to this.

MY bracelet

2006-08-15T21:02:00.000-04:00

The night before TB left I took of MY bracelet - the one I'd been wearing in antigua since almost day one - and hid it in his luggage.

He just found it while unpacking and called to let me know he thought it was priceless - he didn't know my weird story with the bracelets... I didn't even really associate my bracelet with the previous events until right about now.

I had just wanted to give him a part of me to take home.

oooooooooh boy.

I had also hidden a shell I'd written some cute notes on in some shoes he had left at my house not thinking he was going to wear them... yeah he did, he didn't understand what the painful sharp thing digging into his toe was until he took off his shoes and the pretty broken shell pieces fell out in flakes. That was nice... whoops.

Annoying.

2006-08-15T12:37:00.000-04:00

The ex boyfriend is driving me CRAZY!

I don't think he can get over the fact that I honestly don't care about his current relationship - or should I say, that I'm not jealous.

Many just out of college twenty somethings are on myspace. Though I am not one of the many that was addicted to facebook, it's the big kid version of the college obsession.

My ex is on myspace. Though I have my profile set to private he'll nag me to death anytime I even CONSIDER deleting him. It was a big deal when I refused to stick him on my "top 8"... now my "top 24".

With that being said - when the change in relationship status went from "single" to "in a relationship" I got a nasty little e mail which state something along the lines of "you never cared about me," and "how long were you talking to this guy while you were stringing me along."
*pause*
Might i remind you of previous events where in fact TB came along AFTER cpe was in a COMMITTED relationship with some girl back home.

Next I took a video of a time where TB cooked for me and sent it to my girls via myspace. I made it PRIVATE - as in crazy ex can't see - but crazy ex also stalks my friend's pages so it seems... and sent another nasty e mail about me being happy now, and how he's happy I'm happy and blah blah blah.

i still havn't replied to any of these messages

He's now reverted to AIM. He will AIM me anytime I log on when attempting to file transfer to other students in my class.

Annoying.

"I just wanted to see how things are going"
"they're going"
*x box*

Finally: I put up a picture with TB. A cute, casual, candid shot of the two of us eating breakfast at the beach bar by my house. In said picture TB is wearing a pink shit, and I am kissing his cheek while he is grinning. The caption is the nickname I gave him, "TB."

I get another little e mail - with cpe's default picture now being changed to a picture I took of him in a pink shit while he vistited antigua with a caption "real men wear pink" and another uploaded with HIM kissing his current girlfriend with a caption of his nickname for HER (she's not cute at all, nice body though) in almost the same exact pose as the one I put up.

I was about to puke.

GET A LIFE!

... vent over. I really want to delete him, but I feel it will be more drama and bitching than it's worth - atleast now it's only once a week... grr.

Goodbye?

2006-08-14T22:02:00.000-04:00

4 months. That's when I might be headed to Germany to see GH (german hottie). I could name him something else... GH seems so impersonal. I now dub him TB... but I'll never tell you why.

I think the worst part came when he walked away. It didn't feel real until he hugged me goodbye, and upon exiting the hug I found myself clinging tighter.

I shed tears.

ME.

The initial ones, and I mean one or two, were stopped and shoved down. It wasn't until he handed the customs agent his passport, embarkment (spl?) tax slip, turned around to blow me one more kiss and walked away where I lost it.

I didn’t wait for him to turn around again. The second his back was to me and the tears started coming I bolted to the parking lot where my car was. There was no way I was about to have him turn around for a final look and see me like that.

4 months…

Sylvester (that’s what they call new years)

We’ll see...

Infatuation?

2006-08-11T09:48:00.000-04:00

We were sitting in silence on the back porch watching the pelicans diving for fish when he turned to me and told me he thought he was falling in love with me.

I told him I didn't think he knew the difference between love and infatuation, then I reminded him he was leaving in 5 days.

He just kissed my hand and continued to drink his coffee... he's beautiful when he's thinking.

RIP

2006-08-03T11:53:00.000-04:00

I find sadness in the death of a blog: I never even got to read it!

Broken

2006-07-31T17:01:00.000-04:00

So we all know I just jumped out of normal nic clothes and committed to someone. (and just in case you didn't know... I did, I committed... bah) I'll be the first to tell you it was a very rash, unplanned event. All my nic senses are telling me to turn around and run, but I'm not listening. I'm going against instinct... but I'm sitting here wondering if it's really my "instinct" or if I'm just scared.

I'll be the first to tell people I'm broken. I am. I am broken. I dated two different men back to back during a time where I was growing and learning about others as well as myself- and I got burned. For 2 straight years I dealt with securities and insecurities of not only myself but others. I went from the self confident girl that just liked to cuddle, to the over analysing trustless individual you've all become accustomed to. I dated a man who sincerely believes he loves me that treated me like shit, and fled into the arms of a man who didn't love me but treated me like a queen.

Because of this I doubt.

Not others, but myself.

I don't know what I'm doing with this guy. God, he lives in GERMANY! GERMANY. In 14 days he's going to be gone and as much as I tell myself that maybe, just MAYBE I'll see him again, I know i won't. This isn't something that will work out in the long run. So what am I doing?

I tell myself I'm learning how to trust again - but I see myself pulling myself away from him. Doing things to anger him so he pushes me away.
I tell myself I'm learning how to be confident in myself again - but I only feel ugly and self concious when he tells me I'm beautiful.
I tell myself I'm myself again - but I don't even know who I am... how am I supposed to go back to normalcy?

I don't understand what I'm doing. I don't understand how I'm supposed to overcome this. I've tried talking about it to close friends... but it doesn't help. How is it that I feel nothing for my past, but my past is inhibiting how I feel for the present?

Who knows? Maybe I can't fix myself... maybe I need a German to fix me. Maybe, just maybe... I need to stop protecting myself and fall.

Maybe I'm just not as strong as I'd like to think I am.

Breathe

2006-07-16T00:39:00.000-04:00

Last night german hottie made me wimper.

As in I couldn't breath for 5 seconds, my body started convulsing, and I wimpered...

European men, though they act a little fruity (they actually take care of themselves... shave... lotion up... smell good) are friggin amazing.

best part is - he did all this without me having to sleep with him. SCORE!

Backrub --> spasms --> sleep

life is good.

Chicks on chicks clothing

2006-07-11T19:51:00.000-04:00

chicks on chicks clothing

Found a new upcoming artist's site - actually met her in Antigua, she dropped everything, bought a catamaran and decided to sail the world. Crazy.

Anyway she's tite, and I'm in love with her shirt with the mermaid on it. She gave me a free one - and it's pretty freakin cool. Anyway, good quality and the mermaid is actually the same as her tattoo and she put it on the shirt in the same place her tattoo is.

"rad"

she uses surfer slang, it's pretty cool.

nic out

tequila shot anyone?

2006-07-11T11:03:00.000-04:00

German hottie is a good cuddler, and kisser, and is completely respectful.

Dammit

Now I think he's a nice guy.

Nice guys can't play with girls like me - his only saving grace is that he's leaving in a month... so I'll only have to play nice girl for another month or so.

I think I can do that.

Problem

2006-07-09T22:06:00.000-04:00

The CPE events are bringing about flashbacks from the KFP era. This is not good considering I took all those emotions and stuffed them waaaaaaaaay down inside myself so I wouldn't have to deal with them.

uh oh.

on another note - there are some hot german interns who are staying on my resort for the next month. It was a choice between tall blond goodlooking, or tall brune good looking (what do i call a male brown haired man? hmm... i'll settle for brune).

I chose the blond. He seems he like he would be a good cuddler... :)

A Sign?

2006-07-07T08:14:00.001-04:00

While dating KFP bought me two bracelets. One I lost, the other found its way into my Antigua things. I think I mentioned before how I was wearing it. I’m not sure if I told you I took it off because it was breaking.

I took it off the day before CPE came, who oddly enough gave me a bracelet he’d bought for me while on a work trip to Guyana. He had a 3 hour layover in Antigua and nagged me to death to meet him and his coworkers for lunch 2 days before a horrible biochem/genetics/physio test.

I took that as a sign and put it on, replacing the spot KFP’s bracelet had been.

I haven’t taken it off since. Last night while blogging about all the shenanigans that had just occurred I looked down and saw that the bracelet had begun unraveling.

Another sign?

Does this mean yet another end of an era. That the bracelet should come off to leave room to be replaced by another?

Does this mean I want the bracelet to be replaced by another?

I’ve been a heartless bitch for way too long. This girlishness is making my head hurt.

Bah humbug.

The End of an Era

2006-07-07T08:14:00.000-04:00

Well supposing you’ve read the previous blog entry you have some questions.

Trying to answer them will be a different story considering I don’t really know what’s going on in this fucked up head of mine.

CPE started acting weird about a week ago – right after I told him he was freaking me out and to back off a little. Then he started annoying me – giving me shit because I wasn’t calling him… asking personal questions dealing with my love life on the island, so on and so forth. Needless to day I backed off even more.

Then he started acting weird, as in weird weird. Not calling like he always did, and doing things that made me think he’d met some girl. Or course this really didn’t bother me – what bothered me was that he would give me shit for not calling him and putting the growing distant thing on me. He was projecting, I knew he was projecting, I turned into bitch mode.

Finally I got fed up and called him out. To which he starting rambling on some speech that he’d obviously prepared starting with the “I’ve been meaning to have a talk with you for some time, I met this girl last week blah blah...”

Let’s just get this straight – I never actually thought CPE and I would ever get back together. There are just too many things about him that I don’t like. Not to mention my family and friends absolutely hate him, and his recycling has been kept secret from everyone who knew me back when I actually dated him.

On that note – my thoughts on him meeting someone else being confirmed were odd. In some way it hurt, because he’d fought so hard for me to see he had changed yet within a couple days he just… changed his mind. On the other hand I was happy for him. Really really happy, because I knew we’d never be together and he’d finally met someone who accepted him.

So I was stuck there in this weird I’m hurt because I’m being selfish and I’m happy you’re happy mode, where I actually did shed some tears when he told me about said girl while at the same time trying to express to him that this was the best thing for him to do.

So I’m sitting here thinking – I should just stop talking to him again.

If I continue to speak to him, things will be awkward. I’m use to being number one, to having him drop everything for me. I’m also competitive and if this girl actually gets him to commit I’ll start playing stupid mind games – I know myself too well.

If I don’t speak to him he’ll just be hurt for awhile, and probably think I’m doing it because he hurt me, but at the same time he won’t have me to continuously run to and will focus his attention on the girl. He’ll probably commit, and without me in the back of his mind maybe even consider spending the rest of his life with the girl.

I really want him to be happy, I really really do. My broken ways shouldn’t hold him back just because I need someone to fall back on.

On a side note – this just really freaked me out – he bought me a bracelet (there is a story behind this I don’t feel like typing out) from when he was in Guyana and came to see me here – did I tell you guys about this? Hmm… I should update more. Anyway I just realized it broke. Tonight, the night he told me the thing is unraveling. Freakin weird, it was fine 3 hours ago wtf.

It’s a sign – the CPE era is over. I need to be strong for him and shut him out… for the last time.

*sigh*

Easier

2006-07-07T00:27:00.000-04:00

You should have just let me walk away, but you didn’t. Instead you made it your mission to make me change my mind. To show me you were a different person. To make me understand that all the things I knew about you were wrong – that you were worth it.

But in the end, as always, I was right.

Thankfully I didn’t let you in. I kept my independence. I kept the distance I had established between us just in case this situation arose, and like planned it did. Early enough for me not to fall into your trap, early enough for me to withhold doubt in my instincts. You, like always, were unreliable, and not worth my time.

In the long run you should have known I was too good for you. That you would never be accepted amongst my family and my peers as the person you wanted to be accepted as. They all hated you, they all hate you. I could never take you home nor could I take you out among them. I knew we would never amount to anything – but you kept trying to change my mind.

I won’t lie, I did give you chance. I told myself if you actually made it. If you actually did something in your life without my influence – without me pushing you, that I would give you the second chance you dreamed of. The one you begged for. The one you got on your knees and said you deserved because you had changed, right before I grabbed your face in my hands and told you that it wasn’t me you wanted but the chase.

In the end I was right.

You will never change. If it wasn’t now while I was indecisive, it would’ve been later when I had let you in. Thank god for my walls. Thank god for my lack of trust. Thank god I was already broken because with the show you put on, you might have done some real damage in a sane person.

Oddly enough I’m happy for you. I’ve always cared for your happiness – it just comes as a shock that I was right when you tried so hard to show me I was wrong.

You should have just let me walk away, but like we both know, I’m worth it – and you’ll never be able to do any better.

Sex, money and maybe some self reflection

2006-06-16T12:35:00.000-04:00

There are times when I feel I’m grown, that I surpass my peers and can actually look at things objectively, that I know myself and know when I’m overacting or being unreasonable. Then there are times when I look in the mirror and think, holy shit, you are 23 years old – who the hell are you?

So lets see, I’m stuck on this god forsaken island. I don’t have a job yet, I really don’t know anything that’ll happen after the USMLE step 1 except that I’ll hopefully be doing my clinicals in NYC and that I’ll be getting paid practically nothing when I’m doing my rotations. Then I think about money, and how I’m already 30 something grand in the hole, and by the time I reach step 1 I’ll be about 100 grand in. Not mentioning clinical tuition after that and yeah – my rotations, I can’t even think that far ahead without wanting to bang my head against the wall.

Next I think about love. Heaven forbid I have time to fall in love. If I surpass my time difficulty my standards are so effing high that FINDING him will be a chore. Or say I find him, and all I have time for is – well I’m sure you’ve all seen ER or grey’s anatomy or all those other shows on TV that try to explain the life of a medical student – gah! Who has time for anything anymore – and yeah I’ll say it, I want kids. When the hell am I going to be able to pop out my 2.5 kids and have my perfect family with debt the size of Mt Everest and a job that has me on call 24/7?

Then I look to the people on this island, my so called peers. Am I really a snob? I can’t stand 99% of these people. The second I get close to any of them – well lets see.
- We have the bitch who stole my IPOD
- We have sp, who is so friggin annoying – and whose ego has become overblown (but that’s another blog)
- We have… I’ll name him the midget – an annoying immature equadorian kid who whenever he speaks I want to bang my head against the walls. He’s more of a girl than I am and cries about everything
- We have scary naked guy
- Freaky MD
aaaaaaaaaahosifjoseijhwer

The men are disgusting, the women are whores – and I’m sitting here staring at them thinking “how the hell is that it I feel like the prude here?!”

Granted… as much as it’s hard to believe, I guess I am somewhat prudish considering I hate one night stands and make a man converse with me before I drunkenly make out with him – and no, you can’t come home with me the first night we meet even if you do only want to cuddle (HA!)

*dramatic pause*

So again I sit here and wonder, is it me? Am I the freak who doesn’t know how the world works? Should I know that it only revolves around sex and money?

Uh oh

2006-06-09T20:32:00.000-04:00

I'm in a weird place right now. My normal sarcasm is currently being replaced by seriousness and deep thought.

*pause*

yes well, it shocked me too.

I am constantly amazed by how small trivial things mean the world to someone at a certain point in their life.

Recently I've been thinking of KFP a lot. A lot a lot. A lot as in for some freakin reason everything seems to be relating to him. My ipod is constantly playing out break up songs (yes i know why do i have them if i don't want to listen to them... blah blah blah). Movies that we use to watch are constantly the only things on TV. People keep talking about jack johnson... that's a big me and KFP sex thing. Some bracelet he bought for me found its way into my antigua things and I'm currently wearing it... so that in itself is reminding me constantly (so take it off you say? yes... well that would be the easy way out).

So I wrote him an e mail. No not a weird i miss you e mail, but an e mail that just said "yo, I havn't spoken to you in over a year, and now I want to tell you what's been going on in my life even though I ignored your attempts at getting in touch with me because I didn't give a rats ass about how you and the hooker you left me for are doing." *breathe*

He hasn't written back.

I'm not sure if it's a good or bad thing.

I havn't written to him in this long because I really didn't think I wanted to hear how he's been doing. I mean, he really really hurt me. He's turned me into the heartless bitch that seems to come out when I find a good guy - and the wimpering idiot when I find a jackass. I frankly didn't want to hear "sorry I hurt you," or "I'm getting married to the slut I left you for even though she's only 19," or "I want you back," because I wouldn't know how to handle it. I wouldn't want to hear it. I wouldn't want to deal with it. I wouldn't care - point blank.

So why did I write him you ask?

Because for some odd reason I miss him. I want to hear he's doing ok. I don't want to really... converse, but I want to open that door back up.

Confusing? yes.

Hell I don't even get it myself.

like I said... uh oh.

The flight of the bumblebee

2006-05-22T10:07:00.000-04:00

So things here are… well ugh – it’s Antigua, it’ll never be home. School is… school. I’m liking my biochemistry class a lot – yet everyone around me seems to hate it. Odd. Eh, I guess I just have a different learning ability. I like biochem, maybe I should’ve gone into research… I’m starting to lean towards pediatrics. I love kids. I want to do some pro bono work atleast one month out of the year out of country, and although pediatricians don’t make that much money… well – I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it.

We had a boat full of navy boys pull in this week. I’ve never been so ashamed of my fellow Americans. From bar fights, to puking on themselves, to running around naked on our beach, to flat out being rude – they sure did represent our country well. It’s pretty bad when I’m stuck on this god forsaken island and I don’t find a single one of them attractive because of their lack of manners. They pretty much disgusted me, and should be ashamed of themselves. On the other hand I did meet some really cool ones, I met a cook who other than being really young showed me his camera with almost everything he’s experienced on his first cruise. He’d come from a very poor white trashish area and the things he was witnessing and the places he was going, not to mention the amount of money he was getting paid to experience it all was overwhelming him. He was an artist, showed me a couple of his drawings, his camera had films of planes taking off and landing on the aircraft carrier that he was going to show his family back home. I met an older man who’d been enlisted for 17 years. He was very respectful and kept apologizing about all the “young’uns botherin’ us”. It was cute. Anyway – I slacked off most of the week either talking to them, or one of sp’s friends that came to visit.

That is a story within itself. Sp brought a girl into town. She’s cute, not hot but cute, typical blonde, not a very athletic body – just skinny. Anyway he’s completely in love with her – and she… she can’t stand him. So she’s been clinging to me for dear life, poor girl. Therefore sp’s been skipping class to be with her, and basically smothering her – while she runs away and tries to hang out with me as much as possible. She assumed she’d be visiting a close friend, he thought he’d be having lots and lots of sex.

*sigh*

men are idiots.

Speaking of idiots – CPE. He’s definitely fighting for me, you can’t blame a guy for trying. It’s pretty bad how he knows me as well as he does, because he’s doing everything right. He’s giving me space but at the same time sending emails saying the right thing. It’s hard because I know I’ll never want to be with him, I know we’ll never work, I know I’ll get sick of him easily, but at a distance non of that seems to matter and I find myself smiling at his e mails, laughing at his corny jokes… UGH!!! WHAT THE HELL!!! He also wants to come and visit. I’m torn between knowing it’ll be a bad idea, and wanting him to come – just for a couple of days.

I just want to cuddle, is that so bad?

Ha.

Lottery

2006-05-16T00:06:00.000-04:00

I went to a baseball game.

On the way there the bums had lined themselves up begging for money. I being the gullible person I am and reached into my wallet for a dollar and gave it to one of them in passing without looking back. I heard him scream in surprise yelling “thank you thank you thank you” after me. “Weird,” I thought to myself, “It was just a dollar.”

There was a man behind me taking his little boy to the game. They were probably walking about ten paces behind us, the little boy on his shoulder. I heard the man tell his little boy “see? She just made that man’s day. Just watch she’ll win the lottery for that.”

I remember thinking wow – a dollar to a bum is going a long way these days. So I started thinking hmm, maybe being nice isn’t so bad after all. I’ll give more bums dollar bills instead of change. My spirits start lifting, it was a great day for a game, I was with my friends, what could go wrong?

I go to buy my ticket.

Prior to seeing the bum, I had three dollar bills and a twenty in my wallet. Guess what I found when counting up my money to give the boys for my ticket.

Three dollars.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!!!

I GAVE THE FREAKIN BUM TWENTY DOLLARS!!! NOW HE’S GOING TO RUN AND EITHER GET A SHITLOAD OF DRUGS AND OD OR DRINK HIMSELF TO DEATH.

I better win the lottery.

I’m in medical school – I’m the one that should be begging on the side of the road for money.

DAMMIT!

Karma… I’m counting on you now.

Recycling

2006-05-15T10:40:00.000-04:00

The inevitable happened, I recycled CPE. I’m ashamed to actually admit it, but I would like to throw in there that I was drunk… both times. Oops.

It was a definite booty call. He was on assignment somewhere near me, or atleast near enough. He called me while I was drunk and, well, I wake up naked in his hotel room (it was very comfortable by the way) sore as hell. Apparently not having sex for almost a year made the experience mirror the loss of my virginity. OWIE. Lesson learned. Hurt even more the next night… yes I tried.

Contrary to popular belief I really am a good girl. I’ve only slept with the same amount of men as I have loved - hence, my recycling ability. Sex with strangers is dirty – I know of too many things that could go wrong or things you can contract that would definitely NOT make it worth it.

Here’s the bad part. He told me he loved me after…

*banging head against the wall*

I tried explaining to him that the only reason he thought he loved me is because I’m the only girl that’s rejected him. He’s a pretty boy. The kid snaps his fingers and has girls falling all over him. I asked him if he really loved me why he fucked up… over and over again. Why when I left him the first time and he had almost won me back did he revert back to his old ways. I tried explaining to him that it’s not me he wanted, but the chase. I tried to be as blunt as possible. I DO care about him… I just wish he wasn’t still hung up on me. I don’t want to lead him on, I know how that feels.

Ugh I feel horrible.

But there it is. I recycled. He was too big – it hurt. Now my lust for sex is gone and it’s been replaced by a need for cuddling, and movies, and kissing, and ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

WHAT THE HELL HAS HAPPENED TO ME!!!

Miss me?

2006-05-14T16:23:00.000-04:00

So it’s been awhile since I’ve blogged, I know you’ve missed me. Things at home got pretty hectic, I have a lot of stories – I’ll write down the ones I want to get into here, and start typing them up in word and post them when I get internet access (which is rare nowadays).

I’m back in Antigua. I ran into sp at the airport. I think we’re in a happy place with that whole thing. What isn’t spoken about never happened right? Right. I also ran into the scary naked guy with his fupa’ed girlfriend. Know what a fupa is? “Fat Upper _____ Area.” Her boobs touch her fupa.

Nasty.

I was looking around for any fresh meat that might be the new med 1 class at the airport, and was sorely disappointed. Once again there are no attractive males on this island. Well actually… there’s an upperclassmen I met last semester. He’s a model from Miami. I mean I know what you’re thinking, MODEL?! WOW! No. He’s not that hot, but he takes great pictures. The kid is amazing on film. He also looks pretty damn good without his shirt on, but that’s beside the point. I’m in Antigua, which means my standards are much lower, and dammit I miss cuddling. I’m at that point where I’ve been single long enough that my hatred for a relationship has been replaced by a nagging crave for snuggling and wanting to do cutesy things that I would have gagged at a month ago.

*sigh*

I’m still plotting to get my ipod back. This requires being nice to the bitch, which depresses me. I’m not a happy camper in class when she sits next to me. But I plaster on that smile like the good little faker I am and suck it up. When I get my ipod back I’m going to elbow her.

And maybe pull her hair a little. (see video’s below)

Grr.

Girl Fight!

2006-04-27T00:22:00.000-04:00

So - after watching a news special about how some teenagers stuck up a girlfight on myspace, I decided I was going to find said girlfight and watch it.

I found so much more.

Some are rather disturbing.

That girl at the end had a knife...

Don't mind the knocked out girl in the corner... she's fine - wait did I get blood on my purse?

Now I'm searching youtube which has much much more...

Men fighting is not as amusing, I wonder why that is...

Queasy

2006-04-25T01:18:00.000-04:00

Went to grandlittle's birthday "party" tonight. JE showed up with R. My heart dropped.

Just when I thought I was a heartless bitch... I guess I do have feelings.

Home

2006-04-23T23:08:00.000-04:00

Dead tired, yet feel the need to update.

- Came home to horrible horrible cold rain. HORRIBLE
- Taught a man how to play sudoku on the plane... after he told me about how his daughter is my age and is getting married... *sigh*
- Saw my dog had grown to resemble a pumpkin, and upon asking my mother how that came to be she replied "he won't stop looking at me when i eat!"... the dog no longer walks, he WADDLES! BAH!
- Ate steak. Actually I SNARFED it, it was amazing. I have had steak since getting home... I've been very content
- Saw my friends, things are right in the world. After being attacked, tackled and having my eardrums blown out by their screaming we went out and got shitty.
- I saw no attractive men out
- I am now very depressed
- CPE drunk dialed me, and thankfully I didn't meet him while he was in town, NO RECYCLING FOR ME! - damn? eh, don't know how I feel about that.
- Went shopping, got new jeans that make my butt look nice. Two actually. I've missed shopping.
- ALG somehow found out i'm home, and called me. wtf

mmm... that's it, can't think of anymore. I'm going to try to exercise my dog tomorrow. What a fatass.

R.I.P Stumpy

2006-04-20T17:49:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I saw something that is better left unseen, something that you witness and can't forget...

Somewhere between my friend's villa and my villa - walking towards my friend's car enroute to pick me up (my location is difficult to describe, bear with me) I heard moans. Weird, kind of... yelps, I guess is the best way to describe it.

I saw it was coming from my neighbors house, I saw my neighbor crouched over the passenger door of his car - and yes the WORST came to mind. You don't normally hear a 80 something year old man make those sounds, the easiest assumption leads to viagra involvement.

I'll leave you with that thought.

But I was sorely mistaken. The site I witnessed was much worse.

I am an animal lover. Cute animals, ugly animals, soft and cuddly, weird and scaley. I think they're all cute. No joke. Most tame animals don't scare me and I'll pet any stray animal I come across not thinking about the millions of gross things they could be carrying on them (my excuse is that I haven't taken micro yet, ignorance is bliss).

Introducing stumpy. The horribly ugly sailing dog this old man found as a puppy - who due to some unfortunate accident no longer has a tail. She has a chip on her shoulder. Doesn't like men (I'm assuming the male atiguan workers don't treat her very well - they usually kick, spit, inflict harm, etc. etc.) and usually attacks sp whenever he's walking towards my house alone. But she likes me. She included my house in her daily checks, coming onto my deck and poking her head in seemingly saying hi before running off to her own house checking her owner's boat for lizards. When studying on my back porch she comes over and sits with me keeping me company and sticking her head on my knee. Whenever she hears my voice she - ok long story short I thought the dog was adorable and needed love - and everyone else thought she was ugly.

Apparently my neighbor's "girlfriend" (I really think she's a hooker, but I dunno - he's kind of coo coo) had taken the car to get gas. Stumpy loves feeling the wind on her awkward face and went along. Girlfriend gets out of car... (see where I'm going with this?)

Stumpy doesn't.

It was hot yesterday, it must've easily hit 150 F in that car in about 15 minutes, stumpy would've been dead in 30 - heat stroke most likely.

I witnessed my old neighbor realizing where his stumpy had been for the entire day, trying to cuddle the dog back to life.

It was horrible.

From the
oh oh oh oh OH NO STUMPY! oh oh oh oh *sob* what happened *sob* the poor little thing *sob* oh oh oh stumpy wake up
to him pounding on stumpy's chest trying to bring her back with some sort of doggie CPR... I stood there torn between continuing my walk towards the car that was supposed to pick me up, and trying to help (which consisted of my staring at this poor man trying to bring the more that dead dog back to life.)

I hate witnessing death. It'll probably be one of the worst things I'll have to learn to deal with being a doctor. Death is a natural thing - but after witnessing this - selfish I know - I can't wait to go home and smother my dog with cuddles and all sorts of shenanigans that'll spoil him and make him even more of a pain for my unsuspecting parents.

p.s. I went over later to see if the old man was alright - and he already has himself a new puppy.

*sigh*

RIP Stumpy.