Broken

So we all know I just jumped out of normal nic clothes and committed to someone. (and just in case you didn't know... I did, I committed... bah) I'll be the first to tell you it was a very rash, unplanned event. All my nic senses are telling me to turn around and run, but I'm not listening. I'm going against instinct... but I'm sitting here wondering if it's really my "instinct" or if I'm just scared.

I'll be the first to tell people I'm broken. I am. I am broken. I dated two different men back to back during a time where I was growing and learning about others as well as myself- and I got burned. For 2 straight years I dealt with securities and insecurities of not only myself but others. I went from the self confident girl that just liked to cuddle, to the over analysing trustless individual you've all become accustomed to. I dated a man who sincerely believes he loves me that treated me like shit, and fled into the arms of a man who didn't love me but treated me like a queen.

Because of this I doubt.

Not others, but myself.

I don't know what I'm doing with this guy. God, he lives in GERMANY! GERMANY. In 14 days he's going to be gone and as much as I tell myself that maybe, just MAYBE I'll see him again, I know i won't. This isn't something that will work out in the long run. So what am I doing?

I tell myself I'm learning how to trust again - but I see myself pulling myself away from him. Doing things to anger him so he pushes me away.
I tell myself I'm learning how to be confident in myself again - but I only feel ugly and self concious when he tells me I'm beautiful.
I tell myself I'm myself again - but I don't even know who I am... how am I supposed to go back to normalcy?

I don't understand what I'm doing. I don't understand how I'm supposed to overcome this. I've tried talking about it to close friends... but it doesn't help. How is it that I feel nothing for my past, but my past is inhibiting how I feel for the present?

Who knows? Maybe I can't fix myself... maybe I need a German to fix me. Maybe, just maybe... I need to stop protecting myself and fall.

Maybe I'm just not as strong as I'd like to think I am.

Breathe

Last night german hottie made me wimper.

As in I couldn't breath for 5 seconds, my body started convulsing, and I wimpered...

European men, though they act a little fruity (they actually take care of themselves... shave... lotion up... smell good) are friggin amazing.

best part is - he did all this without me having to sleep with him. SCORE!

Backrub --> spasms --> sleep

life is good.

Chicks on chicks clothing

chicks on chicks clothing

Found a new upcoming artist's site - actually met her in Antigua, she dropped everything, bought a catamaran and decided to sail the world. Crazy.

Anyway she's tite, and I'm in love with her shirt with the mermaid on it. She gave me a free one - and it's pretty freakin cool. Anyway, good quality and the mermaid is actually the same as her tattoo and she put it on the shirt in the same place her tattoo is.

"rad"

she uses surfer slang, it's pretty cool.

nic out

tequila shot anyone?

German hottie is a good cuddler, and kisser, and is completely respectful.

Dammit

Now I think he's a nice guy.

Nice guys can't play with girls like me - his only saving grace is that he's leaving in a month... so I'll only have to play nice girl for another month or so.

I think I can do that.

Problem

The CPE events are bringing about flashbacks from the KFP era. This is not good considering I took all those emotions and stuffed them waaaaaaaaay down inside myself so I wouldn't have to deal with them.

uh oh.

on another note - there are some hot german interns who are staying on my resort for the next month. It was a choice between tall blond goodlooking, or tall brune good looking (what do i call a male brown haired man? hmm... i'll settle for brune).

I chose the blond. He seems he like he would be a good cuddler... :)

A Sign?

While dating KFP bought me two bracelets. One I lost, the other found its way into my Antigua things. I think I mentioned before how I was wearing it. I’m not sure if I told you I took it off because it was breaking.

I took it off the day before CPE came, who oddly enough gave me a bracelet he’d bought for me while on a work trip to Guyana. He had a 3 hour layover in Antigua and nagged me to death to meet him and his coworkers for lunch 2 days before a horrible biochem/genetics/physio test.

I took that as a sign and put it on, replacing the spot KFP’s bracelet had been.

I haven’t taken it off since. Last night while blogging about all the shenanigans that had just occurred I looked down and saw that the bracelet had begun unraveling.

Another sign?

Does this mean yet another end of an era. That the bracelet should come off to leave room to be replaced by another?

Does this mean I want the bracelet to be replaced by another?

I’ve been a heartless bitch for way too long. This girlishness is making my head hurt.

Bah humbug.

The End of an Era

Well supposing you’ve read the previous blog entry you have some questions.

Trying to answer them will be a different story considering I don’t really know what’s going on in this fucked up head of mine.

CPE started acting weird about a week ago – right after I told him he was freaking me out and to back off a little. Then he started annoying me – giving me shit because I wasn’t calling him… asking personal questions dealing with my love life on the island, so on and so forth. Needless to day I backed off even more.

Then he started acting weird, as in weird weird. Not calling like he always did, and doing things that made me think he’d met some girl. Or course this really didn’t bother me – what bothered me was that he would give me shit for not calling him and putting the growing distant thing on me. He was projecting, I knew he was projecting, I turned into bitch mode.

Finally I got fed up and called him out. To which he starting rambling on some speech that he’d obviously prepared starting with the “I’ve been meaning to have a talk with you for some time, I met this girl last week blah blah...”

Let’s just get this straight – I never actually thought CPE and I would ever get back together. There are just too many things about him that I don’t like. Not to mention my family and friends absolutely hate him, and his recycling has been kept secret from everyone who knew me back when I actually dated him.

On that note – my thoughts on him meeting someone else being confirmed were odd. In some way it hurt, because he’d fought so hard for me to see he had changed yet within a couple days he just… changed his mind. On the other hand I was happy for him. Really really happy, because I knew we’d never be together and he’d finally met someone who accepted him.

So I was stuck there in this weird I’m hurt because I’m being selfish and I’m happy you’re happy mode, where I actually did shed some tears when he told me about said girl while at the same time trying to express to him that this was the best thing for him to do.

So I’m sitting here thinking – I should just stop talking to him again.

If I continue to speak to him, things will be awkward. I’m use to being number one, to having him drop everything for me. I’m also competitive and if this girl actually gets him to commit I’ll start playing stupid mind games – I know myself too well.

If I don’t speak to him he’ll just be hurt for awhile, and probably think I’m doing it because he hurt me, but at the same time he won’t have me to continuously run to and will focus his attention on the girl. He’ll probably commit, and without me in the back of his mind maybe even consider spending the rest of his life with the girl.

I really want him to be happy, I really really do. My broken ways shouldn’t hold him back just because I need someone to fall back on.

On a side note – this just really freaked me out – he bought me a bracelet (there is a story behind this I don’t feel like typing out) from when he was in Guyana and came to see me here – did I tell you guys about this? Hmm… I should update more. Anyway I just realized it broke. Tonight, the night he told me the thing is unraveling. Freakin weird, it was fine 3 hours ago wtf.

It’s a sign – the CPE era is over. I need to be strong for him and shut him out… for the last time.

*sigh*

Easier

You should have just let me walk away, but you didn’t. Instead you made it your mission to make me change my mind. To show me you were a different person. To make me understand that all the things I knew about you were wrong – that you were worth it.

But in the end, as always, I was right.

Thankfully I didn’t let you in. I kept my independence. I kept the distance I had established between us just in case this situation arose, and like planned it did. Early enough for me not to fall into your trap, early enough for me to withhold doubt in my instincts. You, like always, were unreliable, and not worth my time.

In the long run you should have known I was too good for you. That you would never be accepted amongst my family and my peers as the person you wanted to be accepted as. They all hated you, they all hate you. I could never take you home nor could I take you out among them. I knew we would never amount to anything – but you kept trying to change my mind.

I won’t lie, I did give you chance. I told myself if you actually made it. If you actually did something in your life without my influence – without me pushing you, that I would give you the second chance you dreamed of. The one you begged for. The one you got on your knees and said you deserved because you had changed, right before I grabbed your face in my hands and told you that it wasn’t me you wanted but the chase.

In the end I was right.

You will never change. If it wasn’t now while I was indecisive, it would’ve been later when I had let you in. Thank god for my walls. Thank god for my lack of trust. Thank god I was already broken because with the show you put on, you might have done some real damage in a sane person.

Oddly enough I’m happy for you. I’ve always cared for your happiness – it just comes as a shock that I was right when you tried so hard to show me I was wrong.

You should have just let me walk away, but like we both know, I’m worth it – and you’ll never be able to do any better.