Friday, June 16, 2006

Sex, money and maybe some self reflection

There are times when I feel I’m grown, that I surpass my peers and can actually look at things objectively, that I know myself and know when I’m overacting or being unreasonable. Then there are times when I look in the mirror and think, holy shit, you are 23 years old – who the hell are you?

So lets see, I’m stuck on this god forsaken island. I don’t have a job yet, I really don’t know anything that’ll happen after the USMLE step 1 except that I’ll hopefully be doing my clinicals in NYC and that I’ll be getting paid practically nothing when I’m doing my rotations. Then I think about money, and how I’m already 30 something grand in the hole, and by the time I reach step 1 I’ll be about 100 grand in. Not mentioning clinical tuition after that and yeah – my rotations, I can’t even think that far ahead without wanting to bang my head against the wall.

Next I think about love. Heaven forbid I have time to fall in love. If I surpass my time difficulty my standards are so effing high that FINDING him will be a chore. Or say I find him, and all I have time for is – well I’m sure you’ve all seen ER or grey’s anatomy or all those other shows on TV that try to explain the life of a medical student – gah! Who has time for anything anymore – and yeah I’ll say it, I want kids. When the hell am I going to be able to pop out my 2.5 kids and have my perfect family with debt the size of Mt Everest and a job that has me on call 24/7?

Then I look to the people on this island, my so called peers. Am I really a snob? I can’t stand 99% of these people. The second I get close to any of them – well lets see.
- We have the bitch who stole my IPOD
- We have sp, who is so friggin annoying – and whose ego has become overblown (but that’s another blog)
- We have… I’ll name him the midget – an annoying immature equadorian kid who whenever he speaks I want to bang my head against the walls. He’s more of a girl than I am and cries about everything
- We have scary naked guy
- Freaky MD
aaaaaaaaaahosifjoseijhwer

The men are disgusting, the women are whores – and I’m sitting here staring at them thinking “how the hell is that it I feel like the prude here?!”

Granted… as much as it’s hard to believe, I guess I am somewhat prudish considering I hate one night stands and make a man converse with me before I drunkenly make out with him – and no, you can’t come home with me the first night we meet even if you do only want to cuddle (HA!)

*dramatic pause*

So again I sit here and wonder, is it me? Am I the freak who doesn’t know how the world works? Should I know that it only revolves around sex and money?

Friday, June 09, 2006

Uh oh

I'm in a weird place right now. My normal sarcasm is currently being replaced by seriousness and deep thought.

*pause*

yes well, it shocked me too.

I am constantly amazed by how small trivial things mean the world to someone at a certain point in their life.

Recently I've been thinking of KFP a lot. A lot a lot. A lot as in for some freakin reason everything seems to be relating to him. My ipod is constantly playing out break up songs (yes i know why do i have them if i don't want to listen to them... blah blah blah). Movies that we use to watch are constantly the only things on TV. People keep talking about jack johnson... that's a big me and KFP sex thing. Some bracelet he bought for me found its way into my antigua things and I'm currently wearing it... so that in itself is reminding me constantly (so take it off you say? yes... well that would be the easy way out).

So I wrote him an e mail. No not a weird i miss you e mail, but an e mail that just said "yo, I havn't spoken to you in over a year, and now I want to tell you what's been going on in my life even though I ignored your attempts at getting in touch with me because I didn't give a rats ass about how you and the hooker you left me for are doing." *breathe*

He hasn't written back.

I'm not sure if it's a good or bad thing.

I havn't written to him in this long because I really didn't think I wanted to hear how he's been doing. I mean, he really really hurt me. He's turned me into the heartless bitch that seems to come out when I find a good guy - and the wimpering idiot when I find a jackass. I frankly didn't want to hear "sorry I hurt you," or "I'm getting married to the slut I left you for even though she's only 19," or "I want you back," because I wouldn't know how to handle it. I wouldn't want to hear it. I wouldn't want to deal with it. I wouldn't care - point blank.

So why did I write him you ask?

Because for some odd reason I miss him. I want to hear he's doing ok. I don't want to really... converse, but I want to open that door back up.

Confusing? yes.

Hell I don't even get it myself.

like I said... uh oh.